Jump to content
  • Want to be a part of a supportive community? Join the H Opp community for free.

    Welcome to the Herpes Opportunity Support Forum! We are a supportive and positive group to help you discover and live your Opportunity. Together, we can shed the shame and embrace vulnerability and true connection. Because who you are is more important than what you have. Get your free e-book and handouts here: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

I don't know what to do...

Recommended Posts

I am a 29f, diagnosed with HSV2 in January 2014. I had a primary outbreak and have been on valtrex since, with no subsequent outbreaks. I started seeing someone new, and I told him about it before we had sex. He was very accepting and never got it from me, but we broke up for other reasons recently.


After we broke up, I worried (and still worry) about telling the next person (the original disclosure was extremely difficult for me), but I promised myself that I would always disclose before sex.


I've also never had casual sex, so I didn't think about the need to disclose to someone I had no (or, now, negative) feelings for. This brings me to my current problem. I really don't know what to do:


I participate in a social/recreational sports league, and after our games (dodgeball), we usually go to a league sponsored happy hour. The other night, I was at one of these happy hours and had more to drink than I had planned/realized (I ended up playing flip cups - a drinking game). I don't usually drink very much at all, so this affected me and I was quite drunk (to the point where I don't remember everything that happened that night).


Over the course of the night I spent a lot of time talking to/flirting with one of the guys in the league (not someone I had ever met before). At the end of the night he walked me home, commenting that I was really drunk and he was worried about me getting home safely. We kissed a lot on the walk home. When we got to my place he asked if he could come in because he lives far away and didn't want to go home. Yes, this was stupid and yes, my judgement was impaired.


Anyway, I said, "you can come inside and you can even stay over, but this is not an invitation to have sex. I really, really do not want to have sex tonight." So, he said he completely understood and came inside. We were lying on my bed, kissing, and I fell asleep. When I woke up, he had taken off my clothes and was trying to get me to make out with him. I don't remember everything, but I remember saying I didn't want to have sex again. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but we did end up having sex. He did use a condom.


Now, I really don't know what to do. I am absolutely tortured by what has happened because 1) I feel totally disrespected and taken advantage of - nothing like this has EVER happened to me before. If I have told a guy "no" up front, he has not persisted like that and basically ignored my requests. 2) I have herpes and he does not know, so now I feel incredibly guilty about that. I know I should have said something, but I was so out of it, that I really didn't even process what was happening.


I am so afraid that now he will get herpes and sue me or take me to court or have me arrested. I am so scared that one stupid night has really ruined my life (like - way worse than having herpes would).


In my state, the public health laws state that it is illegal to engage in sexual activity when you knowingly have a contagious venereal disease.


Also, telling him would probably not help my fears at this point, because he could still sue me, have me arrested, etc. anyway since I didn't tell him beforehand.


At the same time, I will inform him, for moral reasons. I don't know if I will see or speak to him again, though. I was thinking - even though it's not the strongest thing to do - of using one of those anonymous texting sites to let him know he may have been exposed to herpes and that he should get tested (I don't know if anyone has seen these sites, but I have - I haven't used one before).


I know that is a cowardly thing to do but I really don't want to speak to/see him again. Even though it probably wouldn't count as rape, I feel violated and disgusting and ashamed. This is worse than how I felt when I found out I had herpes (because at least then I made a decision to have sex with a person I cared about, even if it had ended up badly).


Anyway...I don't even really know what I'm asking for here - I guess advice on how to deal with this? Is there anyway I can "right" the wrong? Is there any way to have this not destroy my life if he decides to take legal action against me? I'm sorry this was so long - this has been eating me up inside for the past two days. This is probably the worst thing I have ever done.

Link to comment

Yes - that was a typo...I meant that it is illegal to have sex without informing the person first :)


Thank you for your reply; I do realize that what he did was wrong and possibly illegal. I've never been in this kind of situation before, and every other guy I've gone out with has known that "no means no." This is part of what makes it so confusing - because I feel angry and violated over what he did, but also so guilty for not disclosing my condition.


I know what he did was wrong, and regardless of whether he deserves to know about my herpes or not, I think I need to tell him in case he wants to be responsible for himself. I also feel totally guilty for not telling him about my condition, even though - as I go over it in my head - I can't really think of how I would have/could have brought it up. I had no intention of having sex with him at any point in the night.


I have read several cases about people suing over herpes transmission. I think it's less likely I could go to jail, but he could sue me. Apart from ruining my life and destroying my financial stability, lawsuits are public record, so anyone could then find out about my condition (future employers, landlords, etc.) I know this is probably still an unlikely outcome, but my guilt and shame over this is destroying my ability to be reasonable.

Link to comment

Ok...I haven't read everything BUT....you owe this man nothing....the likelihood of you passing this virus in a one time sexual event is almost NIL.


Quit taking the guilt...it is not yours, it is his!!! Just because he won't take I doesn't mean you have to. Let it sit somewhere at te back of his mind for him to deal with later....


Let it go!!! Go to therapy, Try to move on, take care of you and stoptryingto take care of someone who didn't give a sh&t about you or your feelings. You need to focus that energy on yourself to get YOU better. Trust me, I speak from truth.


Yes, you want todo the right thing BUT the right thing is taking care of YOU and that's it.


Sometimes things happen in life that are complicated and it is difficult for our heart and head to relate and speak to one another. Don't let the banter cloud the truth!!!!


Good luck and take care

Link to comment



This is a difficult situation and I'm sending you a big hug. First, it seems like you do not want to press charges. I don't know how many nights ago this was, but think about getting a rape kit at a local hospital. This this be done within 72 hours. Getting a kit does not mean you are pressing charges, it means that you can have the forensic evidence available in the future (body, clothing you had on, etc). It is only a way to protect your evidence in case a few days go by and you feel like this is something you want to report.


In terms of herpes, don't even worry about this. First, you were not in a state of consciousness that permitted any awareness about disclosure (besides the minuscule risk of transmission). This person took advantage of you. Second, I don't think you want to be contacting this individual right now. I'm not sure how much more you will have to interact with him in your social circles. You need to worry about yourself right now, and your mental health, and caring for yourself in this time of distress.


I know this is a really hard subject to write about (and read about), but just wanted to make sure you keep your options open with respect to legal redress. Sending you positive energy!




Link to comment

Hello and Welcome!


I do realize that what he did was wrong and possibly illegal.


Ok - here's the bottom line friend..


It wasn't "possibley illegal" ... what he did WAS illegal. Period.


That man RAPED you ... so he will have NO COMEBACK on you if he got Herpes from you because you were not in a fit state to be made accountable for your actions AND you had told him you didn't want to have sex on several occasions. However, I would be VERY concerned about what his status is simply because while you believe he used a condom for the whole thing, it sounds like you don't remember everything that happened.


We have had several women on here with the same situation ... and what scares me it that they don't think of it as "Rape" because they feel they put themselves in a situation that put them at risk (ie, getting drunk, allowing him into your house, etc). But you said NO and NO MEANS NO. Period.


This is the most recent conversation that we have had on here about this... so you can glean some information from this discussion:




As for the general definition of Rape (which varies from state to state) this website is the best place where you can get support. PLEASE go there and contact someone on their hotline. You need counseling and support for this.


Rape Crisis Center locator http://centers.rainn.org/


Definition of Rape


For its Uniform Crime Reports, the FBI defines rape as:


Please note that this definition is rather graphic, which is inevitable when describing crimes this violent.


“Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim "


The fact that you continue to blame YOURSELF for this worries me ... so please, call one of the crisis hotlines on that web link, ok???






Also I have never heard of anyone sueing over heroes [herpes].


Actually it DOES happen occasionally. We had a woman on here awhile back in Texas who was suing the guy who gave it to her ... and I occasionally see something in the press. It's just not talked about a lot. But in this case the guy wouldn't have a leg to stand on and could end up in jail himself if she decided to press charges.


Link to comment

Thank you for the replies and information. I am in therapy and I am seeing my therapist on Monday. This happened on Thursday night and I spent most of yesterday processing it. I will call the hotline you linked to and see what they have to say, but at this point, I've already showered and done all of my laundry, so I don't think there would be any evidence to preserve...


The thing is - I feel like this would be a he said/she said type of thing if he ended up pressing charges against me (I don't want to press charges against him; I just want to put this behind me). Also, he has been texting me since the other night and I don't think he realizes that what he did was wrong (he's asking to see me again, and not acting like he did anything wrong). Every time he texts me I feel guilty and scared even if I wasn't completely in the wrong.


Also, while I don't know everything that happened that night, I do know we used my condoms (the box was out), which means I got them out, because he wouldn't have known where they were. So, in some way, even though I don't have a recollection of it, I am afraid that he could say I consented.


I do agree this was rape. I don't think it is provable that he raped me. But he could certainly prove that I knew I had herpes before we had sex (I mean, there are medical records, I get a rx for valtrex filled every month, I told my last boyfriend...it's not exactly like I've been hiding it).


I would like to just put this behind me, and I think I could do that if I wasn't constantly worrying that he is going to get herpes and destroy my life over it.

Link to comment

I want you to call them for YOUR benefit ... I figured it's too late to gather proof ... but YOU need to get it that you were violated and this is NOT your fault.


You are right about the he said/she said stuff. But you need to protect yourself as well.


My suggestion/thoughts: I would text him back and tell him that what he did would be constituted as Rape. That way you have some kind of document to go back to. I would mention all the facts of what happened (you were drunk, you told him no multiple times and woke up with him on top of you). Then see what his response is. If he apologizes you now have some kind of proof that he knows he did wrong.


I'm guessing that when you knew he wasn't going to stop you told him where the condoms were because you knew, deep down inside, that you needed to protect him. If you don't remember that, odds are you could well have told him that you had Herpes and you can't remember that either .... in fact, given that you would have had to tell him that would, in my mind, tell me that you DID try to protect him.


So - you are on Valtrex, and you used condoms ... so his risk is less than 1% of getting it. I wouldn't sweat that ... AND that's proof of trying to protect him.





Link to comment

there is no way to prove how someone contracted herpes. It can lay dormant in you for years and years. My doctor told me this. Even if this man were to find out he has herpes there is NO way of knowing whether he contracted it from you. There is a chance he could already have it as it's fairly common. Your LAST worry should be about whether you gave him H.

Link to comment

The condom is in my garbage (which I still have in my apartment). He did not "finish" though - so is it worth saving?


While I understand you often can't prove how someone has contracted herpes, I know who my giver was (just as an example) because I hadn't had sex with anyone for over a year before him. Once I showed symptoms, I had a blood test immediately, which was negative (several weeks later it was positive), so I knew it was a new infection. So, theoretically he could prove it that way, although I assume he is more sexually active based on his behavior.


Also, I just realized a little bit earlier that he left a gym bag here (he texted me to ask about it, and I found it). So now I'm going to have to see him again to get it back to him. I really don't want to - but he is insisting.


I know I should be focusing more on myself, but it's like the social stigma against rape is louder in my head than the one against herpes and I'm blaming myself for getting so drunk and letting this happen :(

Link to comment

Im gonna be blunt amd crude.

i hope you DID end up giving him herpes. Serves the dirt scumbag right.

ive been taken advantage of 3 times in my life.

how the fuck is it my fault when i say no? Its not. And its not ur fault either.

the prick deserves a swift kick in the balls by someone wearing steel toe boots. End of story.

he doesnt need to know u have h.

if he doesnt get it fine. Bad karma is looking for him anyways..

if he does get... serves him right.

i havr no sympthy for users and abusers.


As for you, i wish the best with recovering from this! It is a horrible feeling.

talk amongst ur closest friends or fam members and explain the situation. Giudance and love is what u need right now!!

It could have been worse... trust me ive had worse.


Just please know u r not at fault. Drunk. Not drunk. Stoned not stoned. Damn as hell f u say no thats the end of it! No discussion!!


Keep strong.


As for the bag? Toss it out! Blame it in ur parents or roomates. !




Link to comment



there is no way to prove how someone contracted herpes. It can lay dormant in you for years and years. My doctor told me this. Even if this man were to find out he has herpes there is NO way of knowing whether he contracted it from you. There is a chance he could already have it as it's fairly common. Your LAST worry should be about whether you gave him H.


Actually, if he came up with symptoms and went straight in for testing, and his blood test came back negative and the culture was positive, then it shows he very recently acquired the virus (under 4 months).... however, I agree, her last worry should be about his risk (which to be honest was pretty minuscule).




Actually, his DNA *would* be in there ... *IF* you choose to keep it "as insurance" I would put it in a ziplock bag and freeze it ... I don't think that would mess up the DNA ... you would need to preserve it in some way and I think that would be the best bet. I still don't feel you have any worries, but if you feel the need to CYA, then I'd save it.


So now I'm going to have to see him again to get it back to him. I really don't want to - but he is insisting.


You are under NO responsibility to get that to him. If you want to get it to him, then drop it off somewhere and tell him where it is.


I know I should be focusing more on myself, but it's like the social stigma against rape is louder in my head than the one against herpes and I'm blaming myself for getting so drunk and letting this happen


And THIS is exactly why you need to contact the resource I gave you above ... because YOU are not at fault here. Period. And believe me (ask anyone here who has been around awhile!).... I'll let you know if I think you have responsibility in a situation. Yes, getting drunk was careless ... but that doesn't give ANY man the right to do what he did. If ANYTHING it requires that he BE THE MAN, to walk you home, make sure you are safe, and if for some reason he can't get home, sleep in a chair/on the floor/whatever.

Link to comment

No, that was not a typo.


In several states, it is illegal for anyone with a sexually transmittable disease like herpes to engage in sexual intercourse with another individual. In those few states, consent is not an affirmative defense to the action, meaning that, say, person A can be prosecuted for engaging in sexual activity with person B, even if person B knowingly and willingly consented to the sexual act in question.


That said, prosecutions for such things are probably basically nonexistent, and it is highly doubtful that the law would survive even minimal constitutional scrutiny in court. Also, it is extremely difficult to prosecute an individual for knowingly transmitting a sexually transmitted infection to another, simply because the burden of proof is so high, and the prosecution must prove that person B did not have herpes before coming into contact with you. That is an extremely high burden of proof, and unless the man you engaged in sexual activity with not only knew, but had documented proof of, his negative herpes status, you will be fine.


Civil suits are more difficult, because the burden of proof is much lower. If, say, a criminal trial requires evidence beyond a reasonable doubt, then a civil trial only requires a preponderance of evidence, basically meaning it is more likely than not that he contracted herpes from you. The chances that he will engage in a civil action are basically zero. One, it is not at all clear that he contracted herpes, which would be extremely unlikely under the present circumstances. Two, he took advantage of you in a way that is skirting dangerously close to sexual assault. Given your repeated verbalizations of your desire not to have sex, an assault case is indeed possible. He knows this. You can remind him of it in the very unlikely event that he decides to press forward with a legal case.


Criminally, you are absolutely fine.


Civilly, the case is somewhat closer, but based on the totality of facts and circumstances, the likelihood of a civil trial, much less a verdict in his favor, is near zero.


Good luck.

Link to comment



Yes, it is a silly law.



I want to amend what I stated earlier. First, regardless of whether the woman in question transmitted herpes to the man in question, she could unfortunately still be prosecuted for the mere act of having sexual intercourse with the man, knowing she had herpes. Yet the odds of that happening are basically zero, for the reasons stated above.


There are three levels of scrutiny that the United States Supreme Court recognizes in cases involved the Equal Protection Clause: the rational basis test, intermediate scrutiny, and strict scrutiny. Each refers to the level of scrutiny that various state and federal laws receive based on a variety of factors. At the lowest level, states must show a rational basis for a law. A law banning intercourse for those who have a sexually transmittable infection would, unfortunately, likely survive rational basis scrutiny. But it would not survive strict, or even intermediate, scrutiny, because it burdens the exercise of what most take to be a fundamental right: the right to freely associate with those with whom we choose to associate. Sexual intercourse would likely fall under this category, and despite the ideological differences on the Court, a decision of 8-1 or 9-0 would be likely.


Yet again, this situation is unlikely to ever see the inside of a courtroom, for the simple reason that there is a lack of evidence tying the woman in question to the man's contraction of genital herpes. Even if there weren't, he is likely guilty of sexual assault, a fact which will surely temper any hypothetical zeal on his part to prosecute the woman in question.

Link to comment

Given that the "man" raped her, I'd say that he'd be an absolute idiot to even remotely consider charges .... no matter how the law reads.


Herpes charges generally = some kind of compensation in the few cases that are made

Rape charges generally = a nice long stint in jail and the possibility of becoming some inked guy's bitch. :p


Again ... the most important issue here is that @sickoflifelessons gets counseling and support for the rape issue as she's expressing the typical things that a rape victim will say/believe that are not in alignment with what actually happened (ie, that it's her "fault") ...


Outside of that @sickoflifelessons - we are here for you however you proceed. (((HUGS)))

Link to comment

I do realize that the likelihood of him suing me is relatively low. However, I am still terrified of this (I don't have a lot of money). And I don't know how I could possibly prove that he raped me. I was really drunk, but I feel like this happens on college campuses all the time (I'm way past college). I'm not saying that makes it okay, but it does make me feel like I wouldn't have a case.


Also, the people I have told (my two sisters and my aunt because they're the only ones who know about my herpes) have been supportive, but they don't seem to consider this "rape." My aunt even said, "maybe you said 'no' but your actions made it seem like you didn't really mean it." As messed up of a thought as that is, I feel like that is the prevailing opinion around these sorts of things.


They do think he's an asshole who took advantage of me, but I'm afraid that isn't enough to ease my mind about possibly giving someone herpes. Regardless of whether he "deserves" it or not, I don't want to be the one to have put him at risk.


Since that night, I have been feeling sore and itchy down there, and I am worried that I'm going to have an outbreak. In that case, doesn't that mean I could have been shedding at the time, and thus more contagious? I don't know my body well enough around outbreaks, because I only ever had the first one 10 months ago, but I am very aware of any off-feeling down there and I definitely feel off..


I am also afraid to confront him about the sexual assault/non-consensual sex situation. I don't know why, but I tried to compose a text to him yesterday and was too afraid to send it.


Re: the bag...since I live alone in an apartment and don't have a doorman, I would need to meet him to give it to him (I don't want him coming back here). I do realize that I don't have any obligation to return it, but I don't know how to say that to him...like..."I don't want to see you again because you sexually assaulted me, so can I just drop it in the mail?" I can't imagine that going over well.


I really appreciate everyone's feedback. I guess the liability part really doesn't ease my mind, but it is good to have that information. I am seeing my therapist tomorrow and I'm really hoping she'll be able to help me start to work through the emotional pieces of this.

Link to comment

I get where u are comming from.... i really do. Ive been there.

but in all honesty why are u being such a mouse!

Strengthen that back bone of yours and stand up for yourself.

your actions said yes eh? Fuck that they did. U dont even remember how it happened as u were drunk. A therapist i saw said that IS rape. Wether u like the word or not.


As for him? Please... for the love of god... stop caring about HIM!!

who gives a flying fuck about him?

have you ever considered that he took advantage of you because HE HAS SOMETHING??

maybe he already has herpes... maybe its hpv, hiv, who knows!!!

men who take advantage of woman are disgusting pieces of shit who deserve pain in hell. Its 2014. Not the era of vikings..

throw the damn bag of his out in the dumpster.


Link to comment

I'm not normally like this. I don't know why I am so scared to stand up for myself. I guess because I feel like I was in the wrong for not telling him about the herpes. And especially now, because I feel like I am starting to have an outbreak (maybe from stress) and I am afraid that I could have been more contagious than originally thought I could have been the other night.


My biggest fear at this point is that he is going to text me at some point in the next few days/weeks and ask me if I have herpes (because he has gotten it). How do I respond to that? I can't say "no," because obviously I knew. But if I say yes, I just incriminate myself completely.


Yes, I know at this point that it was rape. But it will still be hard, if not impossible, for me to prove that it was rape, since we were the only two people present, it's his word against mine, and I allowed him into my apartment. I know that he shouldn't have taken advantage of me, but if at any point I had just said, "I have herpes," I wouldn't be torturing myself over it now.

Link to comment

Regardless of whether he "deserves" it or not, I don't want to be the one to have put him at risk.


Nope Nope Nope. HE PUT HIMSELF AT RISK! He RAPED you! PLEASE get that in your head!


Please re-read the definition of Rape until you get this


Definition of Rape


For its Uniform Crime Reports, the FBI defines rape as:


Please note that this definition is rather graphic, which is inevitable when describing crimes this violent.


“Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim "


Since that night, I have been feeling sore and itchy down there, and I am worried that I'm going to have an outbreak. In that case, doesn't that mean I could have been shedding at the time, and thus more contagious


Sex can set off an OB for some ... plus your stressing out about this will make you more susceptible to an OB. So no, it doesn't mean you were shedding at the time.


I don't know why I am so scared to stand up for myself.


Because you were ASSAULTED and this is the typical behavior of someone who has been assaulted .... Did you call that number yet? I'm glad you are seeing your therapist (you should have called him/her right away to be honest ... that is part of their job) but unless this person has specific training in Rape cases, you need to talk to someone who has that kind of training too.


but if at any point I had just said, "I have herpes," I wouldn't be torturing myself over it now.


You DO know you may have told him that and that may be why he got you to get a condom out, don't you? In which case, he raped you knowing that you had it.... ie, he may already have it.




I hope you WILL send that text to him (did you see the PM I sent you?) ... he needs to know AND admit his behavior was unacceptable and in fact illegal. Both for your "insurance" AND because he needs to admit he did wrong so that hopefully he won't put himself in that kind of situation again IF he has any kind of soul/remorse about what happened.



Link to comment

I called the hotline. They weren't that helpful, unfortunately; the woman sort of chastised me for putting myself in a dangerous situation - which I was somewhat surprised about (because it sort of felt like she was blaming me...?). She told me I need to get counseling and just put this behind me (which I am going to be doing).


In any case, I am going to see my therapist tomorrow and I will also try to see my regular doctor. My therapist was out of town on Friday, otherwise I would have seen her then.


I have spent so much time this weekend reading about the risks of this guy getting herpes from me. And even though I did all that research before disclosing to my last boyfriend (and I know the risk is very small), I can't help feeling convinced that he has gotten this from me. For one, I have been very sore, so I know the sex was quite rough, which I am reading increases the risks of transmission.


@WCSDancer: I didn't realize you sent me a PM until just now; I'm still new to this site, so I didn't even know PMs were an option - I will respond.


I do think I will text him at some point today. I expect him to get in touch with me about his bag, so I was thinking of responding then. I am sure that he will not accept responsibility for what happened or admit to any wrongdoing. I don't think he has any idea he did anything wrong based on the texts he sent me yesterday, and in general, I don't think people respond well to accusations, so I am very afraid of what I could get into with that kind of discussion. Especially if he winds up having gotten herpes from me.

Link to comment

Oh, also, I was told that in my state (NY), you are not considered "mentally incapacitated" unless you are drugged by someone, or if someone forced intoxication onto you. Since the drinking was my own doing, I would be held responsible for my actions. So, the state law would not consider me to have been raped, although I could make an argument for sexual assault since I repeatedly said I did not want to have sex...

Link to comment

id like to ask a question here and cityofangels may be the best to answer. im playing devils advocate right now but, why is it that if BOTH parties are drinking and become inebriated that only one party becomes absolved of any responsibility? given there was an admitted blackout period the male could claim consent, add that an item used was procured from an undisclosed place within the domicile of the accusers I could see a good lawyer getting rape thrown out ( unless he has multiple previous claims). again im only playing devils advocate here but this whole "she was drunk" thing has bothered me for sometime, IF both parties were drinking shouldn't they equally be held either accountable or non accountable?


@sickoflifeslessons, please don't think im attacking you, im just curious about the law itself.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Create New...