First date since herpes diagnosis

[Harlow]

I'm going on my first date since i found out I have HSV2. I met this guy while I was actually dating my ex (whom I believe was the carrier), well we broke up and this guy asked me out to coffee tomorrow. He and I have incredible conversations, great connection, and not to mention he is a total babe! He has everything going for him. He's attractive, smart (chemical engineer), funny, insightful and interesting. Before HSV2 I would've been so excited for this date. I would've walked in with unshakable confidence and would've thought I had it in the bag. Now all I can think about is: ok let's say this goes somewhere, let's say there's a second and third date and eventually things progress. Why would this guy, who could have any girl in the room, want a girl with herpes? I know I'm psyching myself out before anything happens but I feel that HSV is my Achilles' Heel. Some days I forget I have HSV and then moments where I may have to get close to someone and expose myself fill me with shame and regret. I'm sorry I know this is such a negative post. Just felt like I had to vent a bit. Just feeling low today :(

[mr_hopp]

It's fascinating how the mind works, isn't it? If you DIDN'T have a date, you would worry about it ... Now you DO have a date and you're still worrying about it. ;) I know the feeling. I've been through it before. And realize it's a dead end of the mind. Enjoy the moment. Enjoy the date. Who knows what will happen? You may end up not liking him at all. You may end up both falling head over heels in love with one another and herpes is a moot point. Maybe something in between ... But the point is, worrying about the future does NOTHING to make it better. It only takes you away from enjoying what actually is right in front of you. I wish you a totally enjoyable date. Let yourself go. Give yourself a break. It'll be fun. Sometimes it can just be that easy. Have fun.

[Kristin (breatheandletgo)]

Harlow,

 

How did your date go?

 

One thing I thought about reading your post was...you don't know everything about Mr. Everything Going For Him. That's why you are dating. :D Dating someone is how you get to know them, and how they get to know you. All you know of Mr. EGFH are data points and first impressions. And YOU are more than your pesky skin condition...I just know it. I am guessing you have a lot of other amazing qualities Mr. EGFH would like to know about, otherwise he wouldn't be asking you out!

 

I can be the queen of awful-izing...so, believe me, I got no stone to throw...I just wanted to help you with a little perspective. You do not have a deep dark secret that makes you unlovable. You have a skin condition. It's annoying, but there are things you can do to take care of your sexual partners and keep them as safe as possible. And even if Mr. EGFH isn't willing to work with this challenge in light of all of your other amazing qualities, that doesn't mean you aren't worth loving. And it doesn't mean he's not wonderful, it just means he isn't the one for you. But dating is the only way to find this out.

 

Keep your focus on what you need in a partner and whether he is right for you. Don't give away your power to herpes and decide you'd be lucky to have a guy like him. You don't know his sexual history, health status or anything more than what you can see from his LinkedIn profile. Take your time and discover whether he is worthy of knowing you on a deeper level.

 

I think we can lessen the fear of future disclosures by taking the time to discover our own true worth. There is nothing sexier than someone who is comfortable in his or her own skin. Focus more on your strengths as a partner, lover and friend as you enter into new relationships rather than what you perceive as your challenges. It's funny when you think about it...can you imagine going on a date and leading with the things about you that aren't so loveable? (we ALL have them)

 

My date would go like this...

 

Hot guy: So breathe, tell me about yourself.

 

Me: Well, hot guy...I'm going to give it to you straight...I leave the lids off everything. This seems to drive people nuts, and I've tried to change, but I just can't seem to do it! And hmmm...let's see...I can be a bit of a perfectionist. I'm mostly really hard on myself, but that can be a real buzz kill if you're looking to have fun and I've just screwed something up that is really important to me. Oh, and I'm not really a morning person. I have tried to be, but I can be an insomniac when I'm working on something, so if you ever see me before 8am, approach me quietly with coffee.

 

See what I mean? All of those things are kinda sorta true about me (shhh, don't tell) ;) but they don't even begin to tell you the ABCs of me, baby! I am so much more than those things and so are you. And honestly, the people who really love me would probably have a hard time thinking of those things, though they rolled right off the top of my head. The people who love me would say I am a whole lot of other amazing things. I'm guessing the people who love you would too. Give Mr. EGFH the chance to discover all there is to love about you before you start worrying what he might not be able to love.

 

Big Hugs,

 

Kristin

aka breatheandletgo

 

 

[VirgoGirl]

Harlow, please let us know how this went!! I am sending out positive vibes your way as well!!

remember, that you are worth everything and that if this person is the right one for you, then it will work out! Just be confident and true to yourself. You must accept H as a part of yourself and explain how it has made you a stronger person.

 

It is hard to know when the right time to tell him is,but do it when you feel the time is right. You'll just know.

 

and its true that there are so many other people out there without H, but what counts is that he has this amazing connection with YOU at this moment and that is not easy to find. Herpes should not matter at that point. If its meant to be, it will be <3

[Harlow]

Thanks all for the encouraging responses. The date went phenomenally. We've hung out a few times since then (I just actually got back from his house). I haven't felt a connection like this with someone in so long. Secretly, I find myself looking for a flaw in him just so it doesn't have to evolve and eventually I'll have to disclose about H. I'm afraid. I really am. I know everything in your responses are true, I know I am worthy of love but it's hard to feel that way all the time.

 

I told him I didn't want to sleep with anyone until I was involved in a relationship. He respects that and he said we should take things really slow. He said he feels a great connection with me. We just lay together and talk for hours about EVERYTHING. He really seems like a genuinely good guy. And I know this is a terrible way to think, but I keep feeling like I'm tricking him. Like we're going to go months talking and hanging out and when I eventually disclose he'll feel like he wasted his time. Maybe it is a dealbreaker for him and he'll feel annoyed that he wasted time only to find out that I have something he wants nothing to do with. And then I'll be so involved that I'll be crushed. I had such a great night. But I keep H in the back of my head always.

 

I just wish more people recognized herpes as really just the annoying skin condition it is, not as the scarlet letter the stigma has made it out to be.

[Kristin (breatheandletgo)]

Harlow,

 

I would be feeling all of the same things you are feeling. I hope I didn't make you feel that I wouldn't. I would.

 

Here's the thing, though: it's worth feeling the fear and taking a shot.

 

And you aren't tricking him. You're giving him a chance to get to know you. You probably haven't let him see your bank statement or shared lots of other private information with him yet. You are going slow. He agreed to that. And when you are ready to have sex, you will both have private things to share.

 

Shame is so hard to wrestle down. It is something we all have to work at overcoming. We do it by surrounding ourselves with loving people who affirm our best qualities and accept us as we are. And we do it by standing up to it and not letting it rule us.

 

You will know when you have let him in far enough that you are ready to fully open your heart to him. You will keep wrestling that shame and doing brave things.

 

Enjoy the moments you are sharing with him, and when you are apart, nurture yourself like crazy. Feed your soul and mind with positive and affirming messages. Monitor your thoughts. Simply don't allow yourself to dwell on lies or any thought that doesn't serve your greater good.

 

If you do that, when the time comes to disclose you will be ready and we will all be here with you.

 

much love,

Kristin

aka breatheandletgo

 

[Harlow]

Thanks Kristin. I do want us to have lots of time to get to know each other. But when is it too late to tell someone so they don't feel manipulated or tricked? (I am looking way into the future here but..) Part of me wants to wait until he expresses some true feelings; tells me he really cares about me/likes me/wants to be exclusive. If that's months from now, is that too late? And another factor is that we have mutual acquaintances/friends. If he reacts negatively, what if he tells someone else about me having herpes? To me, the only people I want knowing are the people I choose to disclose to (potential partners, my sister). My best friends don't even know. I'm sorry if I'm being a Debbie Downer, I just have so many thoughts running through my head. Part of me wants to dart out the door before I really start to like this guy, and the other part is trying to stay positive.

[Kristin (breatheandletgo)]

You aren't a downer, sweetheart. You're just scared.

 

I hear every single one of your questions and they are all so close to your heart. I want to answer all of them for you and tell you exactly how it should go, etc. But I would be lying to you if I said I knew the answers.

 

All I can tell you is what I would do. And what I would do is fight like hell to stay in the moment with him. Be a student of him and of how you feel in his presence. Does he make you feel safe? How does he treat his friends and family? Is he kind and forgiving or critical and judgemental? What does your gut tell you about the kind of man he is and what do you observe?

 

I believe you hold the answers to your questions and it's the shame talking that is making you doubt yourself. You know when a man is worth your time. You may have slept with him before you figured it out for sure before herpes, but you still know. Trust your intuition. If you don't feel safe disclosing to him when you feel the relationship is at a turning point, then don't.

 

You can drive yourself crazy trying to think of all of the scenarios you might bump up against, but you don't know. Enjoy laying next to him and swapping stories. Look into his eyes. Let him see the real you. Enjoy kissing him. Remind yourself to stay present as you enjoy all of those things. Be there. 100% there. If you do that, you will find your way to the answers. I promise. When you have looked into his eyes enough, you will know. Your intuition will tell you.

 

Until then, journal about your times together and take time to be grateful for these moments that challenge and terrify you. All of these feelings mean you are growing! No matter what happens you will be better and stronger as a result. That is an absolute known here if you stay with yourself and trust yourself.

 

When you have those thoughts about him rejecting you or worse, challenge them. When your shame tells you 'he will feel tricked if I don't tell him now.' Tell your shame 'who says?'. Because the truth is you don't know what will happen. Each day is a gift to be discovered.

 

That is the real 'opportunity' hidden within herpes. We can either give up and take ourselves out of the game because we feel we have lost something or we can allow it to make us more fully alive, fully present. It IS a battle, and herpes sucks...I am not denying that...but the sense of control we are mourning was an illusion. We never had it all nailed down anyway. Rejection is a part of life. People love and part ways for enumerable reasons. Love is risky...but that is one of the things that makes it worth fighting for, worth having.

 

Choose to respond to your fears with gratitude. Feeling the fear just means you are alive. You are in the game, have a horse in the race or whatever metaphor you can think of...you're living! Feel it and trust yourself.

 

That's what I would do...and that's the best I got, love.

 

Xo

Kristin

[Harlow]

That was incredibly uplifting Kristin. Thank you so much. I want to reread that response over and over again. Thank you.