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I've been through some stuff in my life....

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I have lost two babies to miscarriage, lost jobs, lost friends and family but this burns in the pit of my stomach. It's been over a year since I was cursed with ghsv1. No outbreaks other than the first and it was minor. Recently ended the relationship with my giver who when I told him said " maybe this is a sign we are meant to be together forever". Instead I vomit in my office garbage pail and wonder how I go on.

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Hi Timbbey,


I have been reading your comments but never really knew what to say as a lot of people have given you great and positive advice, particularly Dancer who said you have a choice in the way you perceive and interpret this diagnosis. Ultimately, your thoughts will dictate the way you feel and if you continue to choose to see this as a life-is-over happening, then those feelings derived from those thoughts will permeate every other aspect of your life. In other words, your inability to accept your life and yourself as is, and all the negative feelings you associate with having herpes will be reflected back at you in more negative ways until you finally decide to try to see things differently. I am not going to say this is easy, cause it's not. It might be the hardest thing you ever have to do in your life. I am not going to pretend it will happen over night. It might take months or years to chip away at those beliefs, but every time you do, every time you make a conscious effort to try find the silver lining or just come to terms in more a positive way, you will get better at it, and slowly but surely, you might feel a change. The fact is, you can't take this back, so how can you move forward? I think you reaching out is your attempt at trying to find the advice and support that you know you need to change... so try to listen with an open heart. Here is why I feel lucky to have herpes: 1- cause it won't kill me, or hurt those closest to me who would suffer if my life were taken too early because of AIDS or Cancer. 2- The person that does accept this part of me will be doing it with the most sincere and loving intentions... something that I self-admittedly never took enough time to consider before this diagnosis. 3- I am going to be more vulnerable than ever before with the person that does accept me, and that opens me up to experience even greater depth and love in the connections I will form with the people I meet. 4- I have the opportunity to be more authentic, and to find even greater love for myself. I thought I loved myself before, but this challenged every part of that aspect... and I am grateful because I realize now that I needed so much more self-love than I ever thought. 5- I feel immensely fortunate to have been exposed to people on this forum who demonstrate such amazing compassion and strength on a daily basis. We are all strangers leaning on each other, helping each other, and it is beautiful. The list goes on... I choose every day to see the positive sides of this... and no, it's not always easy. But I refuse to dwell in negativity and self-pity because I refuse to take my life for granted. I am worthy of everything this life has to offer, including joy, laughter, happiness, love, respect, acceptance, and so are you... so is everyone on this earth. If you are not ready to make a conscious choice, I invite you to open your mind to the concept and read books. Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping, The Gift of Imperfection by Brene Brown or Daring Greatly by Brene Brown might offer a different perspective on your thoughts. It really comes down to a choice... that's all. As Carl Jung said: "I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become." And here are a few more:


"Whenever something negative happens to you, there is a deep lesson concealed within it." Eckhart Tolle.


"Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we be able to discover the infinite power of our light."


“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading” Gautama Buddha


I hope this brings a tiny little amount of optimism your way. You deserve love and happiness, stay positive.

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First ... <3 you HEAPS @Beautiful!!!




OK... Sorry but the "Tough Love" card is coming out. This isn't personal... I think you just need a good shake-up friend.


Did you read this thread today? Look at what happened to .......... someone "disclosed" her condition to this guy (ie, gossiping) but said she had AIDS and yet he STILL went over to her and said he really likes her and wants to see her!




Quote from the above link:

But thinking i had HIV he confessed he really liked me, and that he wants to start seeing me again, and that he will always be there for me.


There are really GOOD souls in the world who will love you no matter what ... but until you learn to love YOURSELF and stop buying into the Stigma Pity Party life is going to *look* like it's pretty shitty. Hell, are you really saying that this is worse than TWO miscarriages? I'm willing to bet that weeks and months following those miscarriages you felt your world was OVER. But life went on, and as happens with life, shit happens. Sometimes it's bird droppings, and sometimes you feel you got on the wrong end of an elephant with dysentery ... and you have a CHOICE to sit and wallow in the stinky shit and complain about how noone will ever love you now that you have been shat on or you can wipe that shit off and get on with life.


IT'S A CHOICE that YOU have to make ..... as @beautiful says ... you may have to work at it, but you have a choice each morning that you get up to choose to find ONE good thing about Herpes, or to stay in the "my life is over" mindset. I lost a friend to Cancer yesterday. HIS life is over. He was a beautiful soul who was in our dance community.... I have a friend who was close to him who said he fought a good fight ... but his Cancer took his life and took him from us. He chose to battle it until he couldn't. YOU can choose to let the stigma run your life, or you can choose to forgive yourself for not knowing that your lover might be carrying the virus and whatever else you are beating yourself up for, and accept that he is no longer in your life (which I think is probably a BIG part of why you are still so depressed ... break-ups SUCK and just need time to heal) so that you can move on.


We are trying to help you here friend... but in the end, YOU have to help yourself. YOU have to look in the mirror and say "I forgive myself for my part in how I got this. But from today forward I CHOOSE to not let this run my life. I CHOOSE to find the good. I CHOOSE to learn the lessons from this experience. I CHOOSE LIFE."


I hope you will find some way to really GET this and start your healing. It breaks my heart to see someone like you hurting like this when in fact you don't have to hurt like this ... yeah, OB's suck (but you don't even seem to have that to deal with) but they pass. Yeah, not all disclosures go how we would like them to. And yeah, some people *may* be ugly if they learn of your status (but who the hell wants *that* kid of person in their life anyway?) but that just show you THEIR character.


But as you will see time and again on here, there are people who are willing to love you *with* this virus .... and as adults, once we educate them about the virus, THEY have the CHOICE about whether they want to take that risk (which in your case with HSV1, is not much higher than their risk of DYING in a car accident) of getting H from you.


Maybe these quotes from others will help you to see where we are coming from ;)




Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice.

Wayne Dyer


We have a choice about how we take what happens to us in our life and whether or not we allow it to turn us. We can become consumed by hate and darkness, or we're able to regain our humanity somehow, or come to terms with things and learn something about ourselves.

Angelina Jolie


The only thing you sometimes have control over is perspective. You don't have control over your situation. But you have a choice about how you view it.

Chris Pine


Often people ask how I manage to be happy despite having no arms and no legs. The quick answer is that I have a choice. I can be angry about not having limbs, or I can be thankful that I have a purpose. I chose gratitude.

Nick Vujicic (see youtube link below to see how this man has CHOSEN to life a life with purpose .... and incidently, he got married a few years ago to a BEAUTIFUL woman and they now have a baby.






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Life throws u curve balls sometimes.

and its doesnt matter if you catch the ball.. the only thing that matters is how you play the game.

and it really doesnt matter if you win or loose. Because with life, comes death.

so instead of worring about what life is going to throw at you next, just focus on what YOU can do with your life. Its all about perspective. And when you look back at all the horrible trauma you have went through, you will be able to see them as pain you gained strength from.


I mean... look at mario and luigi. They get attacked every second with bombs and shells and fire bullets, but it doesnt stop them from getting back up and finding their princess.... (ya i know its just a silly game, but this silly game taught us all its ok to get hurt, you just have to find the right people in your life to help you along the way. And not always will they know what to do,, so thats when you have to help yourself!)


Its really hard to think happy thoughts when the world as you know it has fallen apart, but i can promise you it does get easier. Herpes, babies, allergies, funerals, jobs, vehicles, school.... etc.. etc..


Make a list. With a pen and a piece of paper, of all the things that make you smile.

next to that list write all the things that used to make you smile 5 years ago.

then make a list of things that made you smile as a child.

Take a moment and look at ALL THE THINGS THAT HAVE MADE YOU HAPPY!!!!!

Now some of these things you may not be able to get back, but the beauty of it all is that you can keep those memories for as long as you want.


Hope this helps a lil! Chin up!

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She doesn't get it orally, she gets it GENITALLY ... so yes, if you are going to have sex and you have ORAL HSV1, you need to tell your partner before you head south. The CDC says that 50% of all new cases of genital HSV is HSV1 from oral sex ....


Also, FYI, 60% of all young people have it orally by the time they are young adults... the "facts" that the other forum give (that you don't need to disclose) are part of the reason for the spread of HSV1 genitally ... because people think that Oral Sex is "safer" with casual/new partners :/

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Your OBGYN is not telling you the truth friend... sorry. There's NO WAY for her to know if you won't shed for a week or for a year.... I have no idea where she got that. True, is sheds a lot less than HSV2, but it does shed. Now, if you go on anti-virals, the shedding is a lot less ... so it's going to be nearly nil ... but whether the risk is 1% or 10% ... all our future partners deserve to know about that risk


Also, if your partner already gets cold sores, their risk is further reduced ... BUT we also have a few people on here with HSV1 in both places so it *can* happen ...


Here are the %s of the time herpes silently sheds the virus based on the HSV type and location (not to be confused with transmission rates).


HSV-2 genital 15-30%

HSV-1 genital 3-5% (So cut that in half with anti-virals)

HSV-1 oral 9-18%

HSV-2 oral 1%



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