First real herpes disclosure ... first real rejection?

[dreamingofsomeone167]

Hi @threelittlebirds, you did everything right! I agree with @Dancer that men are not always good at dealing with things. The guy I disclosed too never gave me " closure " either. I think it's easier for some ( I'm sure it goes for some women too) to just ghost and save the hard talk...they don't have to feel like they made you feel bad, or be the bad person. This lesson has taught me how I want to be and will always give closure if I am not interested, then that person will not be hanging... simple courtesy if you ask me. We just have to keep trying, there will be someone who connects with us

[FLNewH]

Us women love our closure don't we? Hahaha

[jjallabouth]

@threelittlebirds I posted this a few days ago but it didn't post for some reason. I just wanted to say thank you for your encouragement and I will take your advice!

[threelittlebirds]

Well, I'm back with an update. Thanks for the words of encouragement and support, ladies.

 

So, long story short I ran into him on Halloween after not hearing back from him... gasp, cringe, shudder. I called him out about not texting me back and he said he needed more time and he really was still thinking. next night he texted and asked if i was mad and i told him i was confused and he said he was too and that he missed me and we'd get together soon to talk. so last night he asked me to come over. i did, and he proceeded to act like everything was normal... so i said "soooo you've been thinking" and he said that he was and that he was a germophobe/ocd (as i already knew) but that he liked me and he didn't want to say "no" before he really knew what he was saying no to. i told him i appreciated that and then the subject changed and the night went on like normal, i slept over and left in the morning and have yet to hear from him. i feel like i missed my opportunity to say "well what questions do you have, maybe i can answer some" or somehow guide his research or something.

 

Now, instead of being able to go through the mourning/moving on process, im right back where i was a few days ago. SO confused. was he just "appeasing" me by hanging out with me? will i not hear from him for another week? should i text/call him? ugh this freakin sucks. Although I really like the fact that he doesn't want to flat out reject me because of H, It's not very reassuring to me to see how he's going about this whole thing.

 

WHAT NOW???

[WCSDancer2010]

Wow - I think I just dated that guy too ... I had a guy that I was seeing who would disappear, and if I left him alone he'd text me and get right back into it like nothing was wrong ... then disappear again. Said he was thinking of me but didn't do much to prove it most of the time. Drove.Me.NUTS.

 

I finally realized *I* had to figure out what MY boundaries were, what I would tolerate and what I wouldn't. I requested that we get together to talk so I could get clarity, he agreed to text me that Friday when he knew what time he'd be available. 6pm came along and no message. I texted to ask what time he could meet... nothing. Sent a second text saying "somethings never change" and he finally texts that he's moving (I knew that) and that he had to pack and move stuff that night. Like he didn't already know that a LOT earlier in the day???? So I called him out on it, wished him luck in his life, and moved on. I CHOSE to not be played. As Steve Harvey says ... I'm not a Sport Fish to be played with, reeled in, shown off and thrown back. I'm a keeper. And I deserve to be treated like one. When I resolved that *I* am worth being treated well, it was *reasonably* easy to walk away. Was I sad? Yes. But dammit, I'm tired of men who treat me with disrespect and don't have the spine to be honest with me about where they are at (even if it's not where *I* would like them to be) and I won't take that kind of treatment any more.

 

So, "What now?". YOU take control of the situation. YOU make it clear that he needs to be clear about what his intentions are. That he can't come swanning back all of a sudden and act like nothing happened. Yes, you threw him a curveball and he should have caught that bitch, done his research and figured out whether it was something he could live with and then let you know ... not just leave you hanging until you ran into him and he HAD to act on it. In other words, you let him know what you need from him, and see if he steps up. You did the right thing in telling him - he needs to do the right thing and be clear about what his intentions are at this point ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[threelittlebirds]

hahaha... MEN ;) (or should I say males? I happen to think MEN don't act like children.. hehe) thank you dancer, you never disappoint. That is what I've been struggling with here, the ability to take control of a situation that I feel is at this point out of my hands. I HATE giving what feels like ultimatums but I also hate feeling toyed with. This was my EXACT problem in my last relationship (where H wasn't really a part of it because he disclosed when it was already too late)... I allowed so much bs and never *really* took a stand for myself (until I FINALLY broke up with him). I vowed I would never allow that again but, for some reason I didn't realize how difficult it would be! I guess because I thought it would be a different guy, it would be different the next time around but, damnit if old habits dont die hard.

 

So now I have to build up my nerve and remember my strength (and worth!). It feels so weird to say this out in the open but I feel like I must have gotten herpes for a reason. It is really the opportunity I needed (wish it could have been something else but, hey it could be way worse!) to learn how to grow personally and start getting what I want AND need out of a relationship. I wish the right guy would just fall into my lap... and he might but, now my eyes will be open to who that really is because the reality is we are going to kiss alot of frogs before we find our prince.

 

SO... I'm journaling (literally handwriting my thoughts out on what I need to get across to him) and I guess I'm gonna give him a call. I'd prefer a face-to-face but last time I requested that I was left hanging. I'm feeling super nervous.

[threelittlebirds]

and can I just say, THANK YOU for all the feedback, advice, support, and encouragement from everyone on here... I feel very self-centered as of right now in the (h)opp world because my posts are always me me me help me. I hope my experience with this helps others, and eventually i can feel confident enough to show some other posts the same love i received here. My deepest gratitude to all of you.

[willow]

Maybe txt him and explain that you know of a website (this forum) that can explain to him all or any questions hes pondering.

i think that maybe from what he knows of the stigma on herpes is probably holding him back.

you cant force him to understand it, but maybe giving him the ehandouts from here is worth a try!

Cuz from what uve posted so far.. i dont think hes willing to give up, i think hes just nervouse... more nervous than u even..

[threelittlebirds]

I want so badly to believe that, and for that to be true... I texted him the link to the disclosure handout from this site about a week ago. I reeeally really wish I had probed him more about it last night when I had the chance. I fear that if he really is processing and considering and all that, I'll be nagging if I want to talk about it again tonight. I just can't help but feel that a relationship shouldn't feel like this, I shouldn't be so afraid or nervous to contact him, or talk with him about things.

[WCSDancer2010]

You want to know what helped me recently to completely resolve to not play this game with men any more?

 

This article:

 

http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes

 

Which is SO true not only about relationships but life in general. I have resolved to live my life to be Fuck Yes! as much as possible from that point forward ;)

 

You are right - the relationship shouldn't feel like that. So change it. If he can't/won't talk and put your mind to rest, then it's up to YOU to let him know what your needs are and how far you are willing to go before YOU walk away. Sometimes a man needs to know that WE have the option to leave too so that they step up and do what they need to for you to feel *safe* with them.....and if they don't. there are plenty of other MEN out there who can/will fill that space.....

[caterpillarmonarch]

I hate to say this, but I don't think he's a good one.

 

My first clue was that he asked you to come over. I don't care what your housing status is, living at home, roommate, he has a bigger TV, etc., he should have come to you vs. you come to him.

 

And, as for the communication aspect, if he was thoughtful of your feelings, he'd at least text you something like "Hey babe, I know it's been a few days and you're probably getting worried. I'm still processing all of this and looking at the things you sent me."

 

@WCSDancer2010 I love that article! My general rule of thumb is, if you have to ask if a guy wants to be with you, he doesn't.

[WCSDancer2010]

if you have to ask if a guy wants to be with you, he doesn't.

 

Got THAT right!!!

 

BUT ...

 

During the post-disclosure time, well, we sometimes have to give them a pass, at least for a few days. Problem is, men put everything into boxes ... and they can only deal with one box at a time. So when they are worrying if their junk may fall off if they get Herpes (ie, they are not educated about it) they can't deal with how they feel about as well... or they will at least be very frustrated because they are being forced to deal with 2 things at once (Junk Vs feelings) and that can be even harder for them. I had a BF who did the "Herpes Freak Out" thing for a month before the *thinking* head cleared (thanks in part because his Dr told him he was waaay over reacting!) and we were together for 3 years... he would have married me but I realized we had too many other incompatibilities for me to continue...... point is, sometimes they need time to process and we just need to knock on their cave-door once in awhile to let them know that *we* are also having to deal with the situation.... ;)

[seeker]

ok, im not sure how I missed this thread but im sheepishly chiming in.

 

read the fuck yes thing. I call bs. try being honest and real and not cloy. men have been taught by our moms, sisters, wives, girlfriends, coworkers, etc that if we say the wrong thing, even if its true and how WE feel. there will be hell to pay if it somehow, someway in some intangible way isn't exactly what the female in question wants to hear.

 

also it sounds wayyy too "oprahish" for me. know what? every couple ive met who made it more than 15 years ( which is forever in our throw away, im not happy right now society) were in the grey area a whole hell of a lot of the time. ive known multiple couples who have been together 40+ years and relationships have their ups and downs, things always run in cycles. both have been utterly passionate for the other AND have wanted to strangle them in their sleep. the difference? they weren't the big whiney, needy children we are today ( do you see current people in America dealing with The Great Depression and WW2 in the same way? ).

 

guess what? Brad Pitt isn't going to walk through the door and ask you to marry him. To many people are like Jerry Springfield in his show, finding excuses ( often trivial) to end the relationship.

 

now as to the OP, three, you stated back at the beginning that you would like to talk to a man dealing with this. here I am, talk to me beautiful.

 

I will say, the guy seems to be stringing you along. im not there and not privey to all the info but it doesn't sound good. but then again I tend to be too honest and open for my own good.

[WCSDancer2010]

I think even when a couple is in the midst of their bad times, the ones who last were still a "Fuck Yes" ... even when they want to strangle each other. I know when I was married I was never anything else even when we had a fight .... but he is Bisexual (I knew from our second date when I asked him about it because he said a few things that caught my radar) and after 20 years the other team took over and he was miserable... it was me who suggested we separate for HIS happiness. And in a way, we are still a "Fuck Yes" as friends and co-parents.

 

Thing is, I think many people go into relationships with unsuitable people thinking they can "fix" them or that a certain behavior will magically change when they sign their marriage certificate. It's not Fuck Yes .... it's "I don't deserve/won't get anything better". My oldest daughter has had about 4 BF's now ... *I* knew (as did several others around her) that none of them were "right" for her... even the "good" ones. She's just started dating a new guy and she's the calmest I've seen her about a guy, and she said "I've never felt this before... it just feels *right* with him". She's found her "Fuck Yes", and I know that if he feels the same, she'll fight with everything she has to keep that relationship.

 

BTW, I'm a big Oprah fan ... ;) ... and I'm sorry that the women in your life trained you that it's ok for a woman to bite your head off if you tell your truth. True, our hormones may cause us to have our moments but that doesn't mean we shouldn't clean that mess up AND learn to identify the signs that we are entering a chemically induced tantrum so we can remove ourselves from the situation until we have them under control. ;) The problem is we don't have the "elders" any more to teach us patience and wisdom and to not take everything personally.

 

BUT, there are plenty of programs out there for personal growth and having done a few, I can say that it's the best thing I've ever done for myself. Most of what I impart on here has been learned in the last 10 years from a lot of introspection and observation of others ... and I've come to the conclusion that I want a life where I can say Fuck Yes to most of the things I'm doing. Life is too short to stay in a miserable job, or to be in a relationship because someone "accepts" me with Herpes, or whatever. I'm over the half way mark and I plan to enjoy the rest of my time here as much as I can ... so why settle for a "Well, that will do"?

[threelittlebirds]

The Fuck Yes or No article makes a ton of sense. Why am I chasing? He's obviously not Fuck Yes so my answer is NO. Even if he was considering it he would still be showing some sort of concern or interest for me, I would think? And he can't seem to meet me halfway on anything. I haven't pushed for a "final response" from him but when I ask for clarity on a few things he leaves me hanging... for a second time. It bothers me that he thinks he can do that. It seems clear what I need to do. This is the end. I'm disappointed but, I'd way rather figure this out now than later down the road. I've been busy with some career pursuits yesterday and today (which has done wonders for my self-esteem) so I haven't had the time to sit down, think about how/what I'm going to say and sEND it. Just knowing that is what I'm going to do has given me peace, though :)

[seeker]

good for you

[threelittlebirds]

thanks @seeker !!

[jjallabouth]

OK, I finally got around to reading the "Fuck yes!" article. I did like it. However, I do think that sometimes it can take some time to know if you are "Fuck yes!" For example, this most recent guy I dated, he was asking me out for TWO months!! I rejected him over and over again. I had already judged him before I'd really gotten to know him or given him a chance. I finally agreed to a date, and once I gave him that chance and really got to know him...I was absolutely crazy about him!! There is something to be said for persistence gentleman. Now, granted he ended up rejecting me due to H, which obviously...he wasn't in the long run "Fuck yes!" about me but if I had lived strictly by this article I would never have given him a chance in the first place.

[WCSDancer2010]

I personally interpreted the article to be more about committing to things that are more long term or that will affect your happiness in the long run. You were not a Fuck Yes at first and that is ok ... you were not ready to explore that until you saw *something* that let you see that there was some potential there. But at *some* point in a newer relationship we usually know if the relationship is Fuck Yes or not... but we often stay in the relationship because we don't believe we will do better, or we just don't want to get back on the dating treadmill again. So I think the point of the article was more about those times when we stay in something that we know in our hearts is not a Fuck Yes....

 

 

[jjallabouth]

I agree @WCSDancer2010 !!

[forgivenessandpeace]

Thank you @threelittlebirds for sharing all of this with us as it is tremendously helpful to read your thoughts, emotions, and experiences. It sounds to me like this guy is keeping you hanging to keep his options open. Well, maybe he is not the best option for you. You SO did the right thing by disclosing. You've got your integrity and you will NOT do to someone else what was done to you. I hope you feel FANTASTIC about that. He has been throwing out some red flags; I think there is an EVEN BETTER man out there for you.

[threelittlebirds]

@forgivenessandpeace I'm glad this thread is helpful... I feel a little crazy sometimes! haha. And thank you for the reminder of encouragement :)

 

I have to agree, I feel like this guy is making me an option. Stringing me along. If he wanted me or cared about me he would make it happen. I had mentioned in an earlier post that I was going to send something to end it. At this point, I've kind of settled in to the silence. He doesn't care to let me know what's going on, I don't think he'd care to hear that I'm moving on. I'm still thinking about the possibility of saying something versus not saying anything but, the more time that passes the less relevant I feel it would be to say anything.

[WCSDancer2010]

@threelittlebirds

 

You are finding your strength my friend! Well done! Every time I allow myself to be treated "badly" I find that the next time I am much more clear about what I won't tolerate and I'm getting much clearer about who I want in my life. Sounds like you are on your way down this path too :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[threelittlebirds]

Hi all! I wanted to do a follow-up post as a kind of "closure" for myself and for this particular story... To update anyone who has followed along, I still hadn't heard from this guy and so came to my own conclusions about his feelings about this and his intentions with me. I went out with my friend and a new guy showed interest and we ended up planning a date for last friday. it was going to be in the area where I last ran into the guy i disclosed to and i couldn't shake the thought of how awkward it would be to run into him again and this time with another guy without ever putting any real closure on the whole thing. I called him Thursday night before the planned date and big freakin surprise no answer. So I was content in that I had done my "due diligence" and FUCK IT if we run into eachother and I'm with someone else. Friday night as I'm driving home the guy i disclosed to saw my car, and called me.. then texted me "I just saw your car lol where are you going?" to which I replied, home. he called me again so I answered. He proceeded to try to get me to come over (mind you this is like 2 am). I said "what makes you think you can give me the silent treatment for 3 weeks and then ask me to come over suddenly when its convenient for you???" He laughed and said, "convenient? come on don't try to act tough." Wow you guys... I can't begin to tell you how disgusted I am with this guy. How did I not see this sooner?

 

On monday I went to dinner with one of my best friends, and we were talking about the above interactions when she said, "if you don't mind.. what WAS that conversation about that made him do a 180?" I have never told ANYONE besides this potential sexual partner and doctors about herpes and I didn't have any intentions of letting my friends in on it... But for some reason, in the moment, I just felt like I needed to tell her. Her response couldn't have been more perfect. Without batting an eye she said "OMG I'm so sorry... but the right guy will be able to see past it." It took me a long time to come to that very same conclusion. To hear that from someone who cares about me was huge and, she didn't even have to think about it.

 

In hindsight, as I analyze this dating run and my interactions with this guy and his actions and everything leading up to my disclosure.. I have learned so much. Herpes was a true wing woman to me in this situation... it bounced this douche bag right out of my life before I might have been able to realize on my own that he just isn't it for me. I've gained more resolve for the future in setting strong boundaries and gained a better sense of how to do so through reading, reflecting, and experience. I believe that next time I will be more aware of who I am dealing with before I share this part of me.

 

Thank you to all who have helped with your words of encouragement, guidance, support and references. And to anyone reading this, terrified of rejection, nervous about a disclosure... know that you have the power to frame your experiences in a positive light. I know I will be nervous and scared the next time I find myself disclosing but, I look forward to it. To finding someone I feel I am able to open up to. This rejection did not discourage me, no, it has only strengthened my resolve to find someone that can equal my intention, effort, and respect. Dealing and living with herpes has pointed me in the right direction to find that special someone :)

[WCSDancer2010]

What a great conclusion to your story......

 

I can't begin to tell you how disgusted I am with this guy. How did I not see this sooner?

 

Yup - the Herpes Wingman to the rescue! He didn't want to get into YOU ... he wanted to GET INTO you.

 

Good luck with the new guy. And congratulations on finding your power through this. Proud of you chica!

 

(((HUGS)))