My Story

[FLNewH]

So, I've posted on here a few times and have put my general story out there, but for some reason tonight I am feeling the need to put the full thing out there. Not that it's a particularly interesting story, but I am feeling a bit crazy at this particular moment and honestly, writing this shit down will make me feel better. I don't keep a journal (although I have been thinking about it lately and thinking that may not be such a bad idea) so I figured this would be the best place to do it. Not sure how much of this is "my story" of getting herpes, but maybe it will at least be a bit entertaining. So, grab some coffee, or liquor, or whatever and sit back and enjoy.

 

I really don't know when I got this. I'm 38, I've been sexually active since I was 16. Had a 15 year marriage in there from around age 21 to about 1 1/2 years ago (yay for divorce! hahaha, not really). We did split for about 6 months in '05/'06. I just tested positive, so, who knows when I got this. Now that I am diagnosed, it makes me think of things and wonder if those were signs. Like, I've always broken out on my inner thighs, high up where the upper thigh meets the crotch area. I've always gotten boils - but I've never had an OB, or what I now know is an OB. So, now I wonder things like, WHAT IF that was really a mild OB or something? But I've had that since as long as I can remember. So, idk. Enough of that tangent :-)

 

I met a guy (at my 20th high school reunion, geez!). Yes, I slept with him. That night. Without a condom (we never used condoms. Not a good decision, I know). Even after I told him 4 times I wasn't going to sleep with him. HAHA! Not that he asked me to, I was just drunk and was really just telling myself that, out-loud apparently. Anyway, the next few weeks are great. Haven't felt this way about a man in a long time. And, after the divorce I really didn't think I even still had it in me. But, I did and it felt wonderful :) We spent almost every day together. I let all my guards down and just went with it.

 

It started as a yeast infection, or so I thought. I wasn't really surprised because I had just gotten off antibiotics, I had gotten strep throat. So, I do what I always do, took my 3 day Monistat and it got better for a day or so. By Monday afternoon my lower back was killing me! Headache, upset stomach, an overall blah! feeling. I've had a UTI before and those were the symptoms, so I called the OB/GYN, told them I thought I had a UTI. Yep, bacteria and blood in the urine, here are some antibiotics. Cool. That was Tuesday. No visual check was done that day btw. By Thursday it hurt to bend over, hurt to sit down, hurt to walk. I called the doc. They HAD to see me - something isn't right down there (those were my words to the lady at the desk hahaha). By Thursday night I could not even wipe myself - I had to pat dry after I pee'ed. And the peeing - OMG. My stomach was swollen too. I've lost 16 pounds over the last 3 or 4 months and pants that were loose around the waist were tight, that's how bloated I was. And, the worst cramps ever. I never get cramps. I think I kinda knew by Thursday night that I was going to walk out of the doc's office Friday not very happy.

 

They got the results of the urine taken the Tuesday before and it had come back negative for a UTI. A visual confirmed lesions. Lots of lesions. On my right labia and cervex. My NP sat with me and held my hand, slowly told me some basic facts and told me about the blood test. I told her, test me for everything, I don't care if insurance covers it or not. Good news, everything else is negative. But I am positive for HSV2.

 

So, first thing I do is call the BF (I didn't have the blood results back yet, just the visual confirm). His response? "I'm so sorry you are going through that babe. Chin up, it'll be OK". Ummm - OK, thank you for being so understanding but you do realize that I have herpes and we have been having unprotected sex for a month AND it's a pretty good chance that if you DON'T have it, you probably do now?!?!? (I am aware I did not disclose that information properly now) "Babe, it's ok. It goes away eventually. We will be fine - we will get through it together." So, he was getting sick at this point. Swollen glands, fever, upset stomach ... I think you know what I'm thinking at this point. I'm thinking I gave him herpes and he's having an outbreak. He swears nothing is "going on down there", "it's just a cold babe". So, I go over and cook him chicken noodle soup from scratch and bring him more Tylenol Cold. And he holds me while I cry about this new development and tells me it's ok. And we spend the night together cuddled up and telling each other we love each other.

 

Are you barfing yet? Let me explain why this is such a development for me. You see, I divorced my husband of 15 years because I found out he was shooting up drugs behind my back. He was crushing up pain pills and injecting it between his toes and in his ankles. So, needless to say, I have some trust issues. I mean, if you can't trust your Partner in Life, who can you trust? And the so called men I've dated since the divorce have been real douches (sorry guys, I know you ALL aren't douches) so I've had my walls up. And I finally let them down.

 

OK - fast forward. I spend the rest of the week being ignored by the BF and crying. He said he loved me. He said we'd be together. WAAAH WAAAH WAAAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. Whatever, I'm over it hahahaha. When I originally started writing My Story, I thought I wanted to talk more about him. But, ya, not so much. Why spend time thinking about someone who doesn't think I'm worth it anyway. Long story short with him - his actions show him as being a man I did not want to be with anyway. And, his loss, cuz I'm awesome (at least that's what all the guys that have dumped me have told me ...).

 

I am still crying, but I don't think it's just the herpes or the ex-BF. It's been a shitty few years. Divorced, heart broken, my father died last year (on my parent's 47 wedding anniversary), trying to be there for my mom, work is a bitch .. and now herpes. I think it's just all hitting me emotionally at once. Oh ya, and I'm switching birth controls right now soooo, got the good old hormones all worked up right now! Anyway, it's just life I know.

 

I do have to say that I have realized that I do have some wonderful people in my life. At first I didn't say anything to anyone. I just needed to process the info and let the shock wear off. I couldn't have done that without this site, so thank you to all of you that have posted your own stories, asked the hard questions, responded to my posts and reached out to me. I did end up telling my one friend, who told me "honey - I've had it for 10 years. what do you want to know?". I told my other friend, who told me "oh my sister has had it forever! it's really not a big deal girl!". I told my other friend today, who told me "oh ya, (her husband) has it. I'm still negative and we've been together 5 years!". So, I told my mother tonight. Who also treated it like no big deal. Which, if you know Catholic Italians in their 70's from Brooklyn, you know how shocking it is that they treat ANYTHING as NOT a big deal! hahaha.

 

Anyway - that is 'my story'. Hope you all enjoyed :-)

 

I'm always open to a buddy. I'm a 38 year old female in Florida. Feel free to message me if I can help you ... or if you read my posts and think I need help myself! hahahaha

[forgivenessandpeace]

Very insightful and you're still really in the shock period. It's amazing the silence that surrounds this infection.

[FLNewH]

hahahaha is it that obvious that I am still in shock? :-) I think now that the man drama is done, and once I start focusing on me, it will be better. This diagnosis has really been the icing on the cake for me. Kind of a wake up call to change some things.

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Hi FLNewH, I am pretty sure we have all been there... the shock will wear off and the acceptance will seep in. It just takes time. At least you seem to have a good support system in place, and really glad to hear you are staying mostly positive about this in regards to how things will likely change for the better. It's not easy staying so positive all the time, but I encourage you to pro-actively see the glass half full. There is always a silver lining as there are opportunities for positive change in every seemingly negative situation, it's all a matter of perspective. We just have to consciously choose to work at it until it becomes second nature. Lots of wonderful and inspiring stories here that remind us that love and beautiful relationships are still very much a possibility. Hang on to that, and feed your soul with lots of love in the meantime. :)

[FLNewH]

Thank you for the words of encouragement :-) Now that the man drama is done I can focus on me! I seem to have an issue with allowing other peoples problems to take priority over my own. I think it's just a woman's way - we just want to make sure everyone is ok, whether it affects us or not :-) I had a "focus on me" period after my divorce (once I stopped drinking a bottle of wine a night) and felt better. I've let that slip lately for a number of different things. So, really I'm trying to look at this diagnosis as a wake up call to become healthier and take better care of myself.

[FLNewH]

Oh - I told two more people today. What the hell is wrong with me!??! hahhaa I mean, I get the idea that people need to realize this stigma is incorrect, but I feel like I've been running my mouth about this!

[WCSDancer2010]

Glad you managed to put all this out here... for one, acknowledged just how much you have been through will help you to realize that you have had a LOT on your plate. So give yourself a pat on the back for processing what you have processed and then be patient with yourself for the rest of it.

 

I went through a 15 year spell of wondering when the next show was going to fall ... mother had a stroke and watched her die over 8 years, just as stressful watching my father cope with it, teen issues ('nuff said, but it involved over aged BF's, stealing, seeing one taken off in handcuffs, and sending her off to bootcamp) all while dealing with an amicable divorce (but it was still depressing and stressful) .. topped off with dealing with Massage School (I went full time so it was like being in Med School) only to have the then BF break up with me the day after I graduated. Oh... and menopause finished it all off. When I got through that last one I went out and got myself a tattoo that symbolizes growth and getting through the hard times and coming out stronger.

 

So give yourself time ... take time to heal from ALL you have been through. Maybe do some things to complete each individual thing (have a ceremony with yourself to honor your father, or take a vacation on your own to celebrate your single-dom).... and give yourself credit for how far you have come, and give yourself permission to take the time you need to work through the rest :)

 

(((HUGS)))