Opinion on People not Disclosing ...

[FLNewH]

One of the first people I turned to when I found out I had this was a childhood friend of mine I'll call "Amy". Turns out she's had it for 10 years! As we are talking, it hit me - all the conversations we've had lately about her conquests from her out of control online dating to find "the one". Some of those "dates" have turned into one night stands. So I ask her if she discloses she has herpes with these guys. Especially since she has told me that she does not always use a condom. She said NO! There must have been an immediate "look" on my face because she says to me "Don't give me that look - you'll get lax about it too". She told me how she was very careful when she found out those years ago. But, as time went on and the OB's got less, she didn't worry about it. She said she hasn't had an OB in a couple years. Then she says to me "One day you'll get drunk, bring a guy home and just have sex with him, knowing you will never see him again. And you WONT tell him. I'll bet ya".

 

Another friend I talked to was "Sally". Sally is married to "Tom". When I told her, she told me that Tom has it and they had sex for 3 months before he disclosed it to her!!!! Unprotected most of the time. And she wasn't mad about it! They have been together for 5 years and she is negative.

 

I cannot imagine EVER sleeping with someone again and NOT disclosing to them. Drunken one-night stand or not. Mainly because I would never want that done to me. And, if I ever found out that someone had it, knew they had it, and STILL had sex with me without disclosing it, I really don't know if I could ever forgive them - whether they gave it to me or not.

 

What are your thoughts?

[jordenellisson]

People don't disclose cause they r ashamed horrified and in denial.

[PositivelyBeautiful]

I strongly believe in treating people as you want to be treated, and so this would mean telling them before any sexual contact is a must. Considering a lot of people on this site contracted herpes from people who were either unaware or did not disclose, I am pretty confident in assuming that most others would also feel strongly against not disclosing. I think we all would have liked to have had a choice in the matter, but that's not always how life goes. At least now, those of us who are aware, can make responsible choices and treat future partners with the respect they deserve by giving them the opportunity to make their own choices and take their own risks. If they choose not to, it's not a reflection about how they feel about us, but a simple choice on a matter with differing perspectives. No matter the outcome, I can walk away knowing my integrity, compassion and honesty are still very much in tact. For that, I will always be able to respect and love myself, and that's equally as important to me as being honest with someone.

[seeker]

I think they suck balls and not in a good way.

 

your friend who had it for 10 years isn't not disclosing from stigma, she is being cavalier with other peoples lives, that is basically sociopathic.

[FLNewH]

Well said @positivelybeautiful :-)

 

@seeker I completely agree. Ever look at someone and think to yourself "how can I be friends with such an asshole?" or something like that. I've known this chick since I was 12!!! I was FLOORED she thought it was OK! I couldn't believe the words - and the attitude behind the words.

 

I am also so mad that herpes and HIV tests are not STANDARD as part of a regular STD check. I've had 3 in the past. Each time I said "I want to be tested for everything". I know it's my responsibility to know the facts but I question the level of responsibility of the healthcare professional to then say "ok, you know this includes blah blah blah and not blah blah". IDK, seems like the ball is dropped on this.

[seeker]

@ FLNewH yes it is. the local clinic told me its too expensive to test for herpes as part of their panel. the lab I went to did it for 50 or 60 dollars.

 

If you don't mind me asking what area of florida?

[FLNewH]

that is ridiculous! too expensive my butt!!! i'm holding back a theory I have, i guess maybe it can be considered a bit of a conspiracy theory .... but I will say that so much money would be lost if this disease stopped spreading so they would rather ignore any kind of preventative care. Anyway.

 

Don't mind at all :-) I'm in the Tampa Bay area.

[seeker]

Clearwater here. right by the mall. don't stalk me please. :)

 

we have a support group locally. ive been to 1 meetup. its about normalizing not sitting and crying. there is a group in Orlando that does a H support every other month. its at 6 or 630 tho and that's not good timing for me.

[willow]

Wow support groups! The closest one to me is a 5 hr drive....

for a 1 hr meeting..

once a month..

[seeker]

well there are 2 "locally" 1 is in my area. its more for normalizing, going out to dinner, pool partys, etc. the other is about 2 hours north to where that damned mouse lives and they have a 1x every other month actual support meeting but also do a lot of social stuff.

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

As @positive said, or theory here is you treat others as you would want to be treated. @FLNewH , tell your friend to go to the CDC site. I'll have to put the link up later cuz I'm on my phone right now. I will give you the link with the specific part highlighted where it states that the majority of new cases come from people who are sharing asymptomatically.

 

I guess again herpes is acting as a wingman, and now you have learned something about this person and it has shown you her true colors. :(

[girlafraid]

I can relate to your friend. The fact is, we are weak and scared. We do not love ourselves, so we fear others will reject us, hate us, think us disgusting, not love us, if we disclose. This is a real and crippling fear and I am guilty of it. As was whoever gave this to me. But I forgive, because I understand. just know we are weak and pathetic.

[WCSDancer2010]

Do remember @girlafraid that 80 percent of people don't know that they have herpes. So there is an 80 percent chance that the person that gave it to you, did not actually know that they had it and it they passed it to you completely unknowingly, not because you were afraid to tell you. ;)