I can't disclose... i simply can't.

[girlafraid]

I'm so ashamed and embarrassed about having herpes.

 

I contracted it from who knows... I have a few ideas who it may have been, but no one ever told me they had it.

 

I'm not really mad... because I can relate. It seems there is no way for me to muster up the strength to disclose.

 

Now I've found myself in a predicament. What i thought was a one-night stand has turned into a real life romance, ongoing for about 4-5 months now. I haven't had an OB, and we aren't monogamous, so I guess I just never felt like this was going anywhere serious enough to disclose. The guy is kind of a gossip... and the last thing I would want is for him to be telling everyone that I have it. Which he does about other people that have it.

 

But now we seem to have fallen in love. and things are getting serious. And I just got my first outbreak since I contracted this stupid taboo virus.

 

I don't know what to do. I feel guilty and terrible for not saying anything... but there is such shame and taboo around this virus, that I just can't be faced with knowing people know I have it.

 

I'm pretty sure I've contracted something from him in the meantime, possibly hpv, and i think with the amount of unprotected sex, plus the fact that we had sex the day before my recent OB, that I have probably passed it onto him.

 

I know there is something seriously wrong with me that I couldn't have just faced this head on. But I feel like i've gone too deep with him now to tell him that I held this from him. I don't think he would ever forgive me for this. I feel like I need to play dumb, go get checked, and tell him i'm positive. I know telling him that I knew all along would ruin not only our relationship as lovers, but as friends, as colleagues, and it would ruin my reputation with many other people and the scene I am in. I live under a limelight, and this would greatly fuck things up for me. I guess I should have thought about that before I let myself fall for someone.

 

I hate this. I seriously fucking hate this. This is what makes me want to never open my life up to someone else again. I want to shut down and be a celibate, cold-hearted, single woman for the rest of my life.

 

:(

[WCSDancer2010]

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