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girlafraid

I can't disclose... i simply can't.

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I'm so ashamed and embarrassed about having herpes.

 

I contracted it from who knows... I have a few ideas who it may have been, but no one ever told me they had it.

 

I'm not really mad... because I can relate. It seems there is no way for me to muster up the strength to disclose.

 

Now I've found myself in a predicament. What i thought was a one-night stand has turned into a real life romance, ongoing for about 4-5 months now. I haven't had an OB, and we aren't monogamous, so I guess I just never felt like this was going anywhere serious enough to disclose. The guy is kind of a gossip... and the last thing I would want is for him to be telling everyone that I have it. Which he does about other people that have it.

 

But now we seem to have fallen in love. and things are getting serious. And I just got my first outbreak since I contracted this stupid taboo virus.

 

I don't know what to do. I feel guilty and terrible for not saying anything... but there is such shame and taboo around this virus, that I just can't be faced with knowing people know I have it.

 

I'm pretty sure I've contracted something from him in the meantime, possibly hpv, and i think with the amount of unprotected sex, plus the fact that we had sex the day before my recent OB, that I have probably passed it onto him.

 

I know there is something seriously wrong with me that I couldn't have just faced this head on. But I feel like i've gone too deep with him now to tell him that I held this from him. I don't think he would ever forgive me for this. I feel like I need to play dumb, go get checked, and tell him i'm positive. I know telling him that I knew all along would ruin not only our relationship as lovers, but as friends, as colleagues, and it would ruin my reputation with many other people and the scene I am in. I live under a limelight, and this would greatly fuck things up for me. I guess I should have thought about that before I let myself fall for someone.

 

I hate this. I seriously fucking hate this. This is what makes me want to never open my life up to someone else again. I want to shut down and be a celibate, cold-hearted, single woman for the rest of my life.

 

:(

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no need to remain single but you just did to this guy what someone did to you. now go fix it. and tough love but you didn't need to think about all this before you fell for someone, you needed to think about it before you ever had sex with him. you took away his choice. now you will find support here for whatever you may be going thru dealing with your diagnosis but we are very much about being honest with others and giving them a choice about it.

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Lying about when you got the results isn't going to make anything better. I agree that you need to come clean. You can't base a relationship on a lie. And it's not fair to him that you haven't told him, especially if you had sex so close to a breakout. Not that the timing matters, but the probability of passing this onto him is greater. There is always the possibility that he will not forgive you, but that's a risk you have to take. As far as the risk of people finding out - don't you think the risk of him unknowingly passing this on to others and then them passing it on and so on and so on far outweighs you feeling a little embarrassed? How long have you known you've had herpes? Why do you think he has given you something?

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No. maybe i'm selfish. but i don't think the risk of him passing this on to others and then others passing it on far outweighs me feeling embarrassed.

 

i guess i'm a terrible, selfish person. maybe i'm not mature enough to understand or handle this the way that you all can.

 

i'd rather save my reputation, save my relationship, than ruin it all over a stupid fucking skin virus. lying about when i get the results DOES change things. risking losing all of this over something so cosmetic is not worth it to me.

 

it takes two to play this game. he never asked if i was clean, and i admitted to him that i haven't been tested in a long time. that's also his risk to take. i never ever ever get outbreaks. this is the first time since i found out that i've ever gotten one. i was told that you can't spread it unless you have an outbreak. so this is where i'm at. this is the first time i've had to deal with the idea of maybe passing it to someone, or even the fact that it's an issue for me personally.

 

i'm pretty certain he gave me hpv because i have a tiny little skin tag that i never had before. he sleeps around, so it's not unlikely that he has given me something. either way, we both need to be responsible and get tested. there are way worse things than herpes out there.

 

regardless. i'm going to get tested for everything and i'm going to bring him with me. that way, i don't have to deal with this limbo anymore.

 

thanks for the judgment and lack of understanding my emotional state with this issue. i wish someone who has been in my shoes would respond. with 1/4 females having this virus, he's been exposed to it more than likely not just by me in the past year. for all i fucking know, he has it too.

 

this is exactly the reason why I'm not mad at the person who gave this to me. i completely understand.

 

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and it's an INSULT to say this relationship is based off of a lie. it started very casually, unsafe, and without any pretenses. the way it is changing and evolving is beautiful and amazing, and the fact that i even want to try to make this right, instead of just walking away from the situation completely says a lot about the connection we have. i'm not perfect. i'm scared and damaged. i can't risk this person never forgiving me. it's not a risk i'm willing to take. this is such a small speck in the scheme of our relationship. herpes is not who i am. it doesn't affect my life.. or hasn't until now. herpes is not a part of our relationship. yet. it will be soon enough. the damage is done. what's wrong with doing damage control and trying to work this out? we all make mistakes. let me have this one.

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"he never asked if i was clean, and i admitted to him that i haven't been tested in a long time. that's also his risk to take."

 

You are kidding me, right? Yes, it takes two to tango. And both parties are responsible for the consequences of having sex (protected or unprotected). With that said, If you KNOW you have an STD you have a RESPONSIBILITY to tell that person before you sleep with them. As someone who "contracted it from who knows" I would think you would understand that basic concept. How pissed would you be if you found out that the person who gave this to you in the first place KNEW they had this shit and PURPOSELY said nothing?? And now you have to deal with this shit for the rest of your life.

 

There was no judgment. This site does not judge. But I will damn well get angry and be honest about it! Ugh I Can't!!!! You are knowingly putting people at risk of getting an STD and you do not care! And, just out of curiosity, if it's "just a fucking skin virus" then why are you so embarrassed about it?? And what kind of relationship is it really if he's sleeping around and you aren't honest with him? And you are going to say he probably gave you something because you now have skin tags?? I'm sorry, I just can't.

 

Sounds to me like you really need to learn your facts.

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there is no need for that. you put a post out there - we are all entitled to our opinions. I just found out two weeks ago. Forgive me for being sensitive to hearing that someone is knowingly passing this on and doesn't care. I never called names or judged you. But you wanted opinions, so you got them.

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are you seriously retarded? it's the TABOO and the SHAME involved with people knowing you haev it that SUCKS. not the disease itself. even the medical community is clear on that.

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anyway. i will fix this. this is the first time and i think this is probably the lamest thing i've ever done in my life. i'm a good person but i fucked up on this. because i'm afraid and weak willed and obviously don't love myself. peace out. i'm glad you are a better person than i am.

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that's not the intention of the post. you need to come to forums and talk things out. But getting defensive is no way to handle it. Understand, most of us don't know when we got this. Most of us are new to this disease and are pissed off as hell that we have it. Obviously you are not. That's fine.

 

 

@Adrial (Mr. H Opp) and @WCSDancer2010 maybe one of you can shed some light on this.

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Are you young? I know of afew young people who deal with this by just keeping it on the down low, but I think guilt will catch up as they mature. When you put it as a common skin condition it seems one way, but look at all the angst it is causing you know and think is it worth it to do sly jay to someone else, especially for casual fun?

I admit I have been in your shoes, it's a hard thing to discuss and the thought of people finding out is nerve wracking, but please, get to know someone beforeeee you decide the realationship will go somewhere, then disclose...try and go without casual sex, because if you hate disclosing it may just not be worth it.

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@girlafraid. you seem to have other things going on here other than the herpes situation. coming to a place like this is what you need. but it seems like you are in denial and closed off a bit to opinions. at no point did I EVER say I was better than you or anyone else on this site. We are all in the same boat, dealing with this crap. But, to have someone admit they don't care about passing this along, that I can't deal with right now - or ever probably. sorry if you got offended, but all I did was give my opinion.

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@FLnewH

 

I know you didn't say you're a better person than me. But you are. I'm obviously selfish... I care more about losing this person than I do about integrity.

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@girlafraid ,

So tthe tough love has already been stated... i will not throw in any more.

 

How to solve?

Call up the guy. Ask to see him. Go for a coffee or something. A place where you guys can talk privatly, with no interuptions. And no sexual intend.

 

Maybe say something along the lines of

" so i have kept something from you, and even though i should have told you sooner, im going to tell you now. I have hsv. Do you know what that is?

Then feed him off some stats that @Adrial has posted in his e- handout.

give him some time to comprehend what u have said.

let him ask questions.

 

You can tell him that at first you didnt think it would matter if you told him or not, but now you have learned other wise. Appologise even for not saying sooner.

 

Then ask him if he knows of any stds he mifht have, and suggeat going to get tested for everyhing together.

 

However it happens, keep us posted! We'll be here for ya!

 

 

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I think it causes more distress for you, and partners.

Do try not to get to down about it, as you get older you will want to get to know someone anyway, and if you get to know someone and you can't imagine not having each other in your lives you's will be able to work around the situation.

You just need to feel normal again, which is hard I know.

See what happens with this guy, doctors don't even advise testing because the emotional distress outweighes the pros and "statistically doesn't stop the spread" , but I don't think we can take that to mean it's ok for us to pretend we don't know, although I know it's tempting, plus think about if you give it to someone and they tell everyone ! With this guy, he may not have it, and by the sound if how much he is sleeping around doesn't seem like an ideal guy to fall in love with.

 

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@girlafraid

 

Hello and welcome!

 

So I'm going to warn you that you're going to get a dose of my patented Tough Love. It's nothing personal. It is my opinion, one which I have come to believe in after having lived with this virus for 35 years.

 

First, to be insulted by the answers that you've heard here is not going to be helpful. You came here asking for people's opinions and advice. one thing I always told my daughters, is don't ask a question if you're not prepared to listen to the answer because you may not like it.and as the saying goes, "The truth may set you free, but first it may really piss you off."

 

The one thing I will say is that I do agree that whether this started as a casual relationship or not,taking away this person's CHOICE about whether they are willing take the risk of getting herpes or not is totally unfair to them and is a huge breach of integrity. Most of us got it because nobody gave us that choice. Nobody gave us the chance to consider whether we wanted to use other protective measures. nobody opened up the lines of communication that are necessary for a relationship based on transparency, trust, and integrity.

 

There is a saying that you treat others as you wish to be treated. If this person means that much to you, then I would say it is in your best interest to step up, get yourself into integrity, and tell them the honest truth. Tell them that you didn't realize that they were going to become something important to you, but that you need to talk to them about something that could affect you both and it really scares you to have this conversation. tell them that you should have had this conversation before you had sex, for both of your sakes, but you didn't because you were scared and ashamed. And then tell him the TRUTH

 

 

I get it that you understand why somebody else didn't tell you. However 2 wrongs don't make a right. And it's entirely possible that the person to give it to you had no idea that they had it. 80 percent of people with HSV have no idea that they carry the virus. So it may not be did they didn't tell you because of the shame, but rather because of ignorance..

 

again, you came on here for opinions. You've asked for advice. if you came here expecting to be supported in your belief that it's okay to not disclose, you were on the wrong forum. We strongly believe on H Opp that the right thing to do is to disclose. I hope that when you calm down that you will understand where we are coming from.

 

(((HUGS))) and Peace :)

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@Trying you're right. But we don't get to choose who we fall in love with, do we? Things just happen...

 

I seriously hope this all just doesn't blow up in my face because I want to make it right.

 

Part of me just wants to walk away from the situation. Lose him as my lover, as my man, close my heart back off again and cut my losses...

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you're young. you need to research this - when I said that in an earlier post i wasn't trying to be an asshole. you sound misinformed and that is ok because we were ALL misinformed and uneducated on this ... until we got it. Hell, I've known I've had this for two weeks, so I'm no freaking expert either. and when I said you have other things going on, your comments about yourself are very negative. you thinking it is OK to not think this is something that needs to be disclosed isn't a healthy outlook. you need to talk to someone about whatever else is going on. no matter how lame you may think it is. you are too too young to be worried about a reputation - you're 22 - you don't have a reputation right now. and, you are too young to be settling for someone who (1) sleeps around (2) you don't respect and who doesn't seem to respect you, from what I can read between the lines and (3) you feel that hiding this from and lying about it is ok.

 

I hope you stay on here - just maybe learn to take the opinions. And you know what, fucking up in life makes us who we are. I'm 38, I've fucked up a lot. Just because someone points out that you have fucked up doesn't mean it's a bad thing, it's keeps our asses in line.

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I know it seems hard to understand, but I work in the entertainment industry, and things like this are not kept quiet by any means. They spread like wildfire. 22 is prime age for the work that i do.

 

I think I learned my lesson. I'm going to try to make this right, but i simply cannot let it blow up in my face. It's not just about losing him, but it is about that gossip and reputation. I guess this is just proof that we aren't going to work out in the long run. I don't and have never felt good about lying about this, but this was the advice that was given to me because of the circumstances of my life. I didn't expect us to still be seeing each other at this point, and neither did my mentors. Maybe I have some shitty advice that has been given to me, but it's a shitty industry that lacks integrity. If i'm being completely honest, the reason why it matters now is because this has developed into a real love, which i didn't expect, and i am experiencing my first outbreak. I came here because I'm wary of going back to the adviser that I've been speaking with about this.

 

If the damage has been done, I think there is something there to wanting to save face and take some of the responsibility off of me.

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by the way I just want you to know that I got this when I was 17, from my first sexual experience. Back then we had one tenth of the information that we have now to go on. I gave it to my now ex husband because I didn't know that the rash I had was herpes. It was painful but I was able to live with it. My ex husband however got really bad outbreaks, with flu symptoms for years. Is not something I would have wished for him to get if I could have avoided giving it to him.since I got divorced I've had two boyfriends, both of which I disclosed to, and both of which remain H- because we took precautions and were careful. By telling them, it made it easy for me to let them know when we could not have sex because I was having a possible outbreak. I didn't have to lie or come up with excuses. It just was what it was, and we found other ways to be intimate.

 

I hope you can get from all the above answers that people really are here for you, ams that we are trying to help to guide you. I know you're scared, and that you have bought into the stigma and shame. and we are here to help you to get beyond that.

 

The other thing I want you to know is that I am 100% out about my status, and it has not affected my life. I know that that is not for everyone but I did it to prove something. The stigma is, I believe, much worse in our heads than in reality. And I believe that if somebody is going to be ugly about my status, they aren't somebody I want as a friend, and certainly not as a lover or boyfriend. ;)

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Just think of all the turmoil this is causing you now and you should act differently in the future.

 

Disclosure advice: if you want to keep your mouth closed you must also keep your legs closed ;)if the industry and lifestyle you are in considers sexual relationships as fun, by all mean do a pash and dash or other things, but don't do things that can spread this unless you are willing to disclose (someone has probably posted links to transmission) no denying the way you approach sex and dating will be different now but hopefully it will just lead you to better big hearted people

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