I can't disclose... i simply can't.

[WCSDancer2010]

well do understand that 15-20 percent of the people around you also have genital herpes and the 80 percent of them have oral herpes. It's likely very very common in the group of people that are around you.

 

if you buy into the fear in the stigma, then you will give power to other people to try to convince you that you are correct. However if you can come to a place where you realize that this is not something that defines who you are, or your value as a person or as a part of the industry that you are in, then you could stand up to anybody who tries to make something of your status (if wiped got out) and educate them about the fact that there's a very good chance that they have never been tested and that is are they also carry the virus.

 

I have some links that I am going to send you tomorrow. I'm on my phone right now so I can't get to them. But I think they will be helpful for you. I think deep down in your heart you know what you need to do. And we are here to help you through this.

[girlafraid]

Wowwww... you guys are amazing. Thank you thank you thank you for these words. That is really something i never thought about.

[WCSDancer2010]

So glad that you could see that there is another way to look at this. That's why we call it the Herpes Opportunity!

 

Check in tomorrow. I'm going to send you some links and hopefully @Adrial will also have some words for you when he gets around to checking in.

[FLNewH]

Dancer is right. This Friday will be two weeks that I have known I have HSV2. I have told 6 of my friends and my mother. I didn't plan on telling THAT many people, but each one of my friends found me crying outside at work and hounded me until I told them what was wrong. You know what they told me?

 

Friend #1: "Oh honey - I've had it for 10 years!"

Friend #2: "Oh, my sister has had that forever!"

Friend #3: "Oh, my husband has had it for years and I'm still negative"

My Mother: "Oh, Brenda's daughter got that the first time she had sex! BTW - don't use my toilet" hahaha the second part was her attempt at a joke. I didn't find it funny, but she got a giggle out of it.

 

That is over 50% of people I told that are either directly affected by this disease or know someone who is. Those are just the ones I told, not everyone I know. And the others that weren't, well, they didn't give a crap. One of them said "better get some valtrex bitch! hahahhaa" (that is a term of endearment for us)

 

My friend who is married - they had sex for 3 months before he disclosed to her. She didn't leave him or get angry. They have been together for 5 years and she is still negative.

 

Point is, the anxiety you are feeling is probably more inside you than what is really going to happen. Chin up girl. You will figure it out. And if he leaves, well, there will be others. Mine just dumped me - I cried for a week, had a few caramel milkshakes and got over it. Oh, and bitched about it on this site. This site is great - I hope you choose to stay and learn how to deal with this so you won't have to struggle with the emotions on your own.

[Trying]

@FLnewH your story is great, I get worried about people finding out ...wish I had the confidence that reactions would be positive

[whitedaisies]

You are young and scared and something like this is hard to deal with at any age....trust me. I am double ur age....ugh....yuck! Anyway, something like this is really difficult to comprehend...stigma, shame, physical symptoms confusing, love, ugh....it's the mother load. And I hear u about the entertainment industry, I know it well....BUT.....if you love this person and see a future, there is no way to avoid it. I am sure herpes is very common in e entertainment industry just like everywhere else.

 

Being vulnerable is hard sometimes especially when it affects ur heart and ur livelihood. Totally get it. Dig deep....really be honest with urself....explore all the emotions and then do what is right for u.

 

Xo

[jordenellisson]

Most supportive comment yet whitdasies

[whitedaisies]

Xo

[mr_hopp]

I haven't read through all the comments here, so hopefully I'm not repeating other support you've been getting. :)

 

First off, I think it's super COURAGEOUS to come onto a herpes forum and say what you've said. It has me TRUST you that much more that you would come on here and vulnerably tell us your fears and frustrations.

 

And when I hear what you share, I don't see a bad person or someone without morals. I see someone who is afraid. And that is totally normal and completely understandable. Can I tell you something that's scary for me to tell? I went through a few years of being absolutely TERRIFIED to disclose. And there were a few sexual experiences I had where I didn't disclose. And I thought I was a bad person. I beat myself up really good for that. But it wasn't until many years later that I realized all of that beating myself up that was happening didn't mean I was bad. That was my integrity shouting at me. It wanted to make sure it got through to me to let me know I had strayed from my own personal experience of Truth.

 

So if you're terrified to disclose, welcome to the club. So many are. I was for way too long. And what it takes is courage and self-acceptance and self-love (the same exact courage that would have you reach out on these forums, by the way) to share something you're ashamed of, especially when you feel you've done something wrong.

 

I'm not here to tell you that what you're feeling is wrong or you should feel anything other than what you're feeling right now. Because it's all understandable and perfectly human. What I'm here to tell you is I'm PROUD of you for reaching out. Do you know how many people feel this way and stay in the shadows? Do you know how many people read these forums and never participate? It takes something to jump into the fire and speak your Truth.

 

I trust that the more you grow to see the experiences in your life as showing you your own way toward your own Truth, then everything else will align. Start at your heart. Start at how you perceive yourself to be. This isn't between you and this guy. Not yet. This begins between you and You. Heal your relationship and trust in yourself and your relationship with this guy will naturally unfold from there.

 

It's all up to you. We're all here to support you in exactly what you're feeling right now and remind you of the awesome person you are underneath all of those beliefs that you might not be enough or might be bad ... They're all bullshit. You deserve love. To give and receive.

[jordenellisson]

I to cannot disclose one time I did turned out horrible another time I did was fine was with him for 12 years and he never got it from me. But now I'm with another person. The father of my child been with him for four years and I'm terrified of disclosing. I have never passed it onto anyone and am very careful so maybe I'm in denial....however disclosure sounds so horrific to me I've only done it twice...I to feel like an awful person

[Trying]

Hey can I ask how you kept it from him if you had his child? Did you let the doctors know and they kept quiet around him? Just curious

[FLNewH]

@jordenellisson I'm just curious. If you were able to disclose before, why are you not able to disclose to the man you've been with the last 4 years? Also, how did that keep that hidden from him during the pregnancy? I've never had a child, but I've been told this is information your doctor needs to know in case you have a OB during labor.

[jordenellisson]

FlNewH I've had this for 15 years the first disclosure was horrific he accepted it for a month then called me dirty and every other mean thing he could think of. The second man it took me six years to disclose and u only disclosed after he told me he had genital warts we then stayed together for 6 more years 12 on total. However we broke up for other reasons to this day he is still not afraid to have unprotected sex with me he said I was worth the risk. However I have been with my new man and father of my child for four years he is not an understanding gentle man..quite the opposite so I find this difficult to open up. As for your preg question as u r newly diagnosed I think u may believe herpes is a bigger deal then it is the Dr barley blinks am eye when u tell them and they just put some stuff in the baby's eyes when its born nothing is mentioned to anyone as in Canada all your medical info is confidential

[ivoryrain]

Hey, girl!

 

Just wanted to offer some insight of someone a little younger than you. I haven't learned everyone's ages yet, but I'm probably one of the younger ones here at 19.

 

I considered not disclosing in future relationships if my boyfriend were to leave me. I ALMOST didn't tell past partners, including the one I think gave this to me. But then I sat down and thought really hard about how I would've changed my decisions had my partner known and how I would have felt had that partner known and not told me. Taking away someone's choice isn't right. This doesn't make you a bad person. This makes you scared. I was scared about disclosing to past partners because one of them knows a ton of the same people I do back in my hometown. I decided that my reputation wasn't worth the risk that they are infecting other girls, likely unknowingly. I would feel terrible if I got that message from one of them telling me to get checked out because they found out they had it, when I could've told them months, possibly even years earlier, that they had possibly given this to me (or that I had given it to one of them).

 

I'd just also like to point out in case no one else has that many states have laws against not disclosing. In my state it's a felony. I don't want to go to prison for being too scared to disclose a skin condition lol.

[jordenellisson]

Of course I told my Dr. Icould care a less what they think my son is worth more then my embarrassment there

[FLNewH]

I only asked about the pregnancy because having a baby was one of the first questions I asked my doc when I found out. She told me it was just something your doctor needs to know about in case you are having an OB at the time of labor, and to just keep a general eye on during the pregnancy. She told me that if there was an OB at time of labor, that most docs will then do a C-Section. Medical info is confidential in the US as well. But I guess there is the assumption that if a mother and father of the unborn child is in a room together, that things may get discussed in front of both parties. Like I said, was just curious.

[seeker]

@ jorden the stuff in the eyes is for possible syphilis not herpes. with herpes they put the mom to be on antivirals the last month of pregnancy and watch for OBs, no OBs regular delivery, OBs they recommend a C section.

[seeker]

jinx to FLNewH, you owe me a coke

 

[jordenellisson]

I'm from Canada here we believe you r responsible to protect yourself. In 15 years I have never passed it to anyone I think that speaks to my care and responsibility there. Please don't speak to me about what is right. I'm not here for judgement

[jordenellisson]

Seeker had a baby was not put on antivirals as outbreak was not a concern the stuff in eyes was for herpes the Dr told me so :)

[FLNewH]

@jordenellisson I don't see any judgment in any comments. And, there was no judgment in the original responses to this post from the beginning. I think you're getting a little defensive. There is no judgment about the choices you are making/have made. I personally just do not understand how someone can know they have a virus that has the potential to be passed on to someone else and not tell them. No, this will not kill someone, but it sure is a pain in the privates and I would never knowingly put someone at risk. I would be guilt-ridden and that would tear me up. Me not understanding how someone else (apparently quite a few people) CAN go through life just fine NOT disclosing is NOT judging.

[jordenellisson]

Wow no judgment hey pk miss perfect. Anyway I'm not here for people Luke u. So please don't respond to anything I post. Of course I'm defensive when I'm being judged. I'm here for support period

[FLNewH]

Please tell me where I am judging? Did I say you were a horrible person? All I said was I don't agree. We are allowed to do that right? I wouldn't not disclose because I wouldn't want that done to me.

[jordenellisson]

As much as I don't want to point out your judgmental ways as I'm not entirely convinced it will make a bit of difference to u I will..you say I don't understand how u knowingly have it and not tell

You say I would never knowingly put someone at risk

You say I would b guilt ridden it would tear me up

You say apparently many people can go through life just fine not disclosing

In essence u r implying people who don't disclose don't experience these feelings. Then the icing on the cake u say we people who don't disclose pass through life just fine!

Girl that is the definition of being judgmental.

Did it not occur to u how awful my lie of a life has been for four years. How awful it is to have a child and go through the worry if my baby being in possible harms way without the support of my partner just my dr....if it was so easy for me to disclose I would. I'm not there yet. I here for support and I am here cause I really respect and honor what aderial has created here. Which brings me toy next point u should really scroll up and read what he wrote here. Maybe it will give u a more open minded perspective.

All I want is support and I feel like I've just been diagnosed all over again as your comment brought me loads of anger and shame

[ann122]

I had to click this discussion because the title is exactly how I feel. I told my boyfriend I had hsv1, but not where. I couldn't say it...it made me hate myself and want to live under a rock the rest of my life. I explained to him how common it was and that he could possibly have been the one to give it to me (my doctor told me it was most likely a primary outbreak because I had full blown symptoms...intense leg pain ridiculously swollen glands and sores) I've never felt so sick in my life. My boyfriend also had a very suspect cut on his lip a few days before I got it. I thought it was a cold sore, he said he and his friend were wrestling and he thinks it was a fat lip. Im 99.9% sure he gave it to me so I've always used that as my reasons for not saying the location...I take suppressive meds to reduce the risk of outbreaks and transmission as well.

 

and now here I am expecting my second outbreak and I'm hating myself even more for not saying it in the first place. I have to tell him, I don't want to, I'm scared i will lose him. I feel so selfish, but Im so scared.