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I can't disclose... i simply can't.

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I guess I just don't speak self help as well as others.


Jorden, if your still here, whatever you are going thru related to herpes. I will be one of the first to tell you to breathe, step back, its going to be alright. but understand others are going thru stuff too and your stuff may not mingle well with their stuff.


I will say this. if someone pokes me with a stick and says sorry, I will buy it and forgive. by the third time they have done it im not buying it anymore, the fifth, im punching them in the mouth because they are doing it on purpose and whatever "reason" they may have, I don't care, it hurts. your rights end at my body, your right to be scared or hurt by your past ENDS where my skin begins. I don't give a rats ass about someone elses feeling if they are hurting me or my loved ones. and ultimately purposefully not disclosing is hurting someone else without their knowledge nor permission and one persons "right" to feel fear ends where someone elses skin begins. something I personally think out entire so called " culture" needs to learn.





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General comment:


Judgment comes from a place of personal experience....using your personal criteria of what is right or wrong, based on your past and your evolution. Of course judgment given is therefore personal and feels personal to the one receiving it. That is also why it elicits such a strong response.....it is not just fear. It is saying "my personal view of you, your situation, your world should be like mine". No one likes that.


As for to disclose or not disclose, we are using out personal experience of how we got herpes to chastise someone and to impose our beliefs on them. Who says someone who doesn't want to disclose is a bad person? Where does that link come in or is not considerate etc?


We on this site all come from different backgrounds, have different experiences, if you don't agree with someone's opinion, you still have to show empathy which is key for each party not to feel or give judgement. Empathy is a key to human relationships....without it, they fail. That doesn't mean we have to put up with something we don't like, it means we had to understand where it's coming from.


So, we say that risks are around 1 or 2% with antivirals and condoms which is less than getting in a car accident. Do we tell everyone that is driving with us, "hey, I might kill you today driving you to work....are you ok with that....so you still want to drive with me?" Nope we say buckle up and let's go. The consequences are far more physically severe in a car accident than with herpes. Some may argue there is an implied risk when you are getting in the car...no need to state it everytime. Well, there is an implied risk when having sex. We can't use these risk arguments soley when it's convenient for us to use them and they support our agenda.


Maybe I am feeling like hey, why is sex any different than anything else? There are risks, people know there are stds out there and they can get them. Yes maybe they don't know all the nuances or were misinformed etc., but the real responsibility lies with us. People could be lieing to us all the time, whether its the car salesman or our co workers etc. we usually take more care protecting ourselves from that than our sexual health.


I am not agreeing or disagreeing with anything, just merely throwing out some discussion points should anyone care to read...:no response required. Does this mean I will not disclose or I will....nope.


Just feeling reflective and want to be devils advocate. I haven't read everything on this thread but it certainly has been heated.



Everyone here are "good people" BUT we are also "good different people".


It's late, I'm tired.


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@ daisies, I can agree with part of your premise. everyone has their own baggage and experience and views the world thru them. be it that they take everything as judgment or criticism or not. some people are more sensitive than others, ( again, try growing up @ southern Baptist) but it works both ways and as ive said, other peoples rights end where my skin begins.


sex and driving are not the same thing at all. everyone knows there is danger while driving, the evidence is all around. no one is withholding that information and that's the key. most people would assume someone they are about to have sex with doesn't have STIs and if they ask about it and are lied to then that is just callous and contemptuous of another person and THEIR rights.


Again my right to privacy or comfort about my situation ends at your skin. just because something is hard doesn't mean it shouldn't be done. hell if people trudged thru things that are hard more often our society would probably be better but because we live in a "me first" culture, people run the moment it gets tough.


so, the person who gave me herpes did not disclose. they cost me a ton of money I could have used. time off from work, worry about casual transmission, worry about potential future relationships, taking meds I wouldn't otherwise "need", oh and because of herpes I developed bells palsy and can no longer taste most sweets and some starches and cheeses ( subtle flavors are gone to me). did they have the right, due to it being hard for them, to put me thru this? hell no. did the person you got it from have that right to put you thru all you have gone thru? why? because telling us was hard or not convenient? I understand " I didn't know" I get "i got drunk and did something stupid" ( most of those on here become " im making it right") but not, " ive known for a long time and just don't care" that is wrong, yes that is the dreaded judgment BUT we have people come on here all the time who are on the other side. their giver knew and didn't disclose and we say it was wrong, does becoming a member of the forum give a pass?

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Friend, I TOTALLY get where you are coming from, believe me. AND, when someone comes on here and posts that they "can't" disclose, it's really a call for HELP .... because (as I said before) anyone who comes on here who has read *anything* at all on here will figure out that we do not support non-disclosure. And yes, they often need some "tough love", but if you dish it out when you are feeling emotional and making them "wrong" for being afraid AND for BEING HUMAN, you shut them down.


It's a delicate balance ... being clear about helping them to see where they have to clean up their integrity and helping them to get the courage to face that fear and do what they likely already KNOW they need to do. I think your last paragraph was the most powerful thing that you have written here so far...


" the person who gave me herpes did not disclose. they cost me a ton of money I could have used. time off from work, worry about casual transmission, worry about potential future relationships, taking meds I wouldn't otherwise "need", oh and because of herpes I developed bells palsy and can no longer taste most sweets and some starches and cheeses ( subtle flavors are gone to me). "


That was YOUR experience thanks to a non-disclosure ... when you can approach someone and say "THIS may be the result of non-disclosure... do YOU want to be responsible for this?" ... that is FAR more powerful than saying "You are wrong to be scared and so paralyzed by that fear that you don't know how to go about disclosing".


Remember, this is a Judgement-Free Zone. So please, if you are feeling triggered and activated, walk away from the computer. Believe me, I do it ALL.THE.TIME .... and I often PM @Adrial to ask him to step in when I am not sure that I am able to say what needs to be said in a firm-but-loving way. Usually I can come back later and say what needs to be said... and you know I don't pull any punches ... the trick is landing the ONE punch that will get your attention as opposed to throwing everything at you. That one sentence or paragraph that will have the person sit up and realize that there is some other way to approach things. Rather than a full on attack that just leaves them pissed off, dazed, and confused.


This is a great place to learn how to say what is necessary from a place of Love and Acceptance. keep trying friend. You are a valuable member here and I really appreciate your humor and contributions ... I'm just trying to help you hone a few rough edges here, that's all ;)



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I agree @seeker is a great contributor and definitely has some funny comments and interesting perspectives.


It's really hard sometimes going through our own emotional and physical struggles from our diagnosis and then being totally arms length for others. Sometimes we do really well at that and sometimes we don't. It's natural and part of being human.


I agree non-disclosure isn't the way to go. My physical and emotional life post this virus has been no fun and actually quite traumatic. I was just attempting to balance an argument and throw out a different perspective that others may be using.


Again, my comment is empathy is a key quality we must have when posting. If you can totally put yourself in the shoes of others when you write, it is easier to come at it from a non-judgemental place.


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Wow I'm in shock how much we can all learn from eachother in ways of communication not just herpes but life in veneral . so many beautiful loving things said by all. This was I wanted loving insight constructive criticism advice fro. A loving place and most of all the understanding of where a person that who has stupidly put themselves in my position is coming from and the understanding that what I'm looking for is a gentle nudge and encouragement to do the right thing. I'm feeling a lot of love here thank u all for addressing me and giving non judgemental comments. I am more then thankful that this perhaps misunderstanding on all our parts brought about this discussion. I think it could really help a lot more people then just myself. Seeker u seem like a hard ass but I somehow can't be angry at u. U u r stern but I think ur southern up bringing may b the cause and u r hilarious even if u think I'm a twat. Flnew I've thought about your udder rage and came to the conclusion that hey this woman has just been diagnosed is utterly devastated and just can't fathom doing what I am as u just have not been down the road I have yet. Dancer u r amazing I feel your thinking is very in alighn with mine when it cones to showing people the right path through love and understanding. Hard for me to say everything I want with a baby hsngin on me but just wanted to state I never once thought I'm doing right or want support for not disclosing I just feel scarf and trapped and that is all. Thanks to all who have gave me support and will in the future. I'm also very good for support if anyone would value me for it. Ive got 15 long hard years in this so I know a thing or two. Flnew I'm sorry we had harsh words and I hope ur emotional state and what sounds line horrid outbreak r on the mend

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I'm glad I came back I really feeling like this is just where I need to be...again flnew I'm sorry your going through a new diagnosis I was thinking about u all weekend I remember those awful emotions and not knowing what to expect...hope we can offer each other support not nasty useless comments. Much love and respect to all

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