Adjusting and wondering how to proceed with my partner

[Psyguy]

Hello. I am a 23 year old male working on my undergraduate degree. I'm really glad this resource exists.

I woke up Wednesday with sores all over my genitals. My partner of 8 months had told me at the beginning of our relationship that she was std free, so I wasn't worried but went to the ER. I turns out that I have hsv1. Completely confused, shocked, and deeply in pain don't begin to describe how I was feeling. Even walking is difficult.

 

My doctor told me it would clear up in 10 to 14 days and that "h" is very manageable. Is this true? I want to believe him but I'm in so much pain.

 

Regarding my partner, it turns out she has oral herpes and never told me. She didn't think it could transmit from the mouth to the genitals. I was livid. How could she not tell me? How did she not have a conversation with me? And how could she jot know she could transmit it? It would have been different if she told me and I had been able to make a choice. I love her but I don't know if I have it in Mr to forgive. She has apologized profusely, but also told me my anger is misplaced and unfair. Is it unfair to expect an open conversation about her condition before engaging with her? Maybe it is, I don't know.

 

She keeps telling me she was 18 when she was diagnosed and was too afraid to find out more information about her disease. I find her handling of her disease to be negligent and now I'm paying the price.

 

I don't know how to handle this new disease, and I don't I now what to do about my relationship. Any and all help from people who understand would be greatly appreciated. I need help.

[Psyguy]

I definitely see your point. But how do I get past that she didn't tell me she had herpes? We even talked about stds at the beginning of our relationship and both said we didn't have any. I'm finding it hard to forgive that she didn't tell me.

[Sil88]

All over? That's tough, sorry to hear. Weather the storm using advice on this forum, it will only get better.

 

I'm a few months on from a similar situation (only difference really is that mine's type 2, and my blisters weren't as much of a problem as some other symptoms)

 

First thing, nearly everyone has oral HSV. It's unreasonable to expect her to disclose that to you. If she had a noticeable cold sore at the time, that would be worth mentioning or avoiding contact.

 

Secondly, try to remove the anger towards her as best as you can. She's probably as upset as you about the transmission and letting her do what she can to help you is win-win. Or is that lose-lose? Well... a battle won, even if the war is lost. Damn, that didn't work well, sorry.. Anyway, you need to keep your mind stable for the next few months - accept, forgive and put it to the back of your mind. The mental side of H is the worst part - If you can remove stress from the equation, it will help your symptoms so much. Since you've been together 8 months, you don't have the additional stress of 'what else?!' I'm not sure, but it might have less stigma attached since you caught it from someone's lip. Plus, I think it's less likely to find a home on other genitals than type 2.

 

To be honest, the girl I caught it off was negligent, but I still decided to keep things positive (starting with the test) - but your situation is just unfortunate. There's very little cause for blame. What's done is done, so think about what's in your best interest and try to keep a cool head. Hope the people here can help you as much as they have me.

[Sil88]

About 60-80% of adults have oral herpes btw

[Psyguy]

I really appreciate both of working this through with me. I didn't know how common it was, my doctor said it was around 20%. I want to be positive like you @Sil88 and I don't want to throw a good relationship away. I just need time to work through the anger, like you said @inka. I'm hoping time and space will make me more rational.

 

It does seem like there is no blame here but human are always looking to assign blame to help the rationalization. I just need to work it through.

 

I'll definitely work on removing stress, I hear that a change in debt can help too. I don't want these all over again any time soon.

 

Thanks again.

[Sil88]

No worries, genital herpes is about 20%, but oral is 60-80%. Right - if it's a good relationship, don't throw it away over this.

[willow]

I think with a bit if time and education on the matter, you could forgive her.

i mean think ofit this way...

sure u had the std talk... but if she didnt know oral hsv1 could be passed on down south.. i could see why she didnt think to bring it up.

good luck!!

[WCSDancer2010]

But how do I get past that she didn't tell me she had herpes?

 

Because she has likely had Oral herpes since she was a young child and didn't know that it has the *potential* to be an STD. I got HSV1 at about age 4. I got HSV2 from my first sexual experience ... and it wasn't until my ex-hubby H2 from me that I learned that my *rash* was an STD because in the late 70's these things were not talked about that much. BUT, I didn't know that my oral Herpes could potentially also be a STD until about 6 years ago when I was going into a new relationship and he was freaking out and brought me up to date on my education (when I also learned about asymptomatic shedding.... he eventually got over it all and we were together for 3 years and broke up over other differences).

 

My point is, STD education is pretty pathetic in this country. We have DOCTORS (mostly PCP/GP's) telling people that they don't have to tell a partner that they have Herpes as long as they don't have sex during an OB (you don't want to get me on THAT soapbox! :p ) and there is virtually NO education out there to tell people that "Cold Sores" (aka HSV1) can be passed to the genitals. So I am quite sure that your GF is being honest about her not knowing that she could pass it to you. It's the reason that 50% of all new genital cases are from oral sex ... because the CDC has not deemed it important enough to mount an education campaign about HSV/HPV/Chlamydia etc ... all the focus has gone on HIV and the other STD's have become the red-headed step child :( We are working on it here ... plans are in the works to find ways to make a change, but it will all take time....

 

Now ... think about this. Your GF likely feels HORRIBLE that she passed this to you. She has just learned that SHE has a (potential) STD *AND* that she passed it to the person she loves. So give her a break. Go give her a hug. I'm sure she really needs one too right about now ;)

 

(((HUGS)))