Disclosed. . . . And Rejected

[ShaeShae]

Hi all,

 

I'm still really new to this. Only about 2 months post-diagnosis. For one thing it's still hard to accept my diagnosis, having never experienced symptoms of either hsv 1 or 2. But anyway. . . .

 

The day after finding out about H, I came clean to the guy I was seeing. He was cool at first, but then let Google freak him out for a solid week or so. But he came back around after we were able to talk about the actual realities, based on some very credible information that my doc gave me.

 

But. . . . 2 months later, he let it get to him and I have now been rejected. The first time I have opened up to a potential intimate partner about this and I have been rejected! It took every ounce of courage I possess to tell him that and I have been thrown away because of it. Thrown away and refused as dirty and untouchable. It has brought on whole new levels of shame that I cannot put into words. I do not know if I have the courage to try again with anybody. I cannot face another rejection.

[caterpillarmonarch]

I'm SO SORRY to hear that ShaeShae. Please do not let this discourage you from telling other men. You showed true character and concern for him by telling him.

 

You are not dirty or a throw-away. Some men might think that, but those aren't the ones you want anyway. I know that's easier to logically than emotionally believe, but it's really true.

 

My doctor put it this way: You want a man for better or worse, right? On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the worst, this is a 2 or 3, so if he walks away from this, you know he isn't the type of man that would be there in a 8+ situation and those situations will come. That really helped me. I hope it provides you with some comfort too

[FLNewH]

Please don't let his reaction get to you. Same thing happened to me. Unfortunately some people cannot process this and make the choice to not get involved with or stay with an H+ partner. It's no reflection on you. You are not dirty or untouchable - he just wasn't the one. chin up - it'll get better

[CityofAngels]

As I have said, and said repeatedly, different things possess varying degrees of importance to different people. To you, herpes might be a 2 or a 3. Great. To this man, it was obviously an 8. Likewise, something that is an 8 to you might be a 2 or 3 to him. Everybody subjectively weighs different risks in a different manner, and there is absolutely no objective ranking of risks from "major" to "minor." What is a risk to one will be no risk at all to another. You just happened to be with someone who viewed herpes as an 8. The key, I imagine it, is to find someone who views it as a 2 or a 3. Considering that, as I said, everybody quantifies and weighs risk differently, you will likely be able to find such a person in the future. *The important thing* to remember is that everyone has a different view of the seriousness of the risk(s) involved, and there are millions and millions of men and women who would date someone who has herpes, so there will be no shortage of opportunities to find dates in the future, if and when you are ready to begin dating again. Good luck.

[WCSDancer2010]

@ShaeShae

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

As @CityofAngels pointed out, to this guy, Herpes is a deal breaker. Who knows why he suddenly changed his mind ... perhaps he recognized that he didn't see himself with you in the long term for other reasons and realized that he didn't want to risk getting it with someone who wasn't "Forever" but could have been a "For Now" without the Herpes issue ... which likely would have been more painful for you in the long run. Or maybe he's a hypochondriac, which can be REALLY difficult to live with. Or perhaps he just is unable to make up his mind about things and that was why he came back at first (indecisive types drive me out of my mind so I am thankful if they pull away first!)

 

Either way, I see Herpes as being your Wingman. As @caterpillarmonarch said, you want someone "For Better or Worse" (even without marriage) and if Herpes is something they will constantly be worrying about, they just plain are not a good match for you.

 

The best thing you can do is to go to the Success Stories on here and read all of them that you can. I swear we have far more Successes than "failures". So don't give up hope. Stick around here and learn from those who have been on here a bit longer, ok?

 

((HUGS)))

[KPonyo23]

I really can't give you any advice I'm in the same stage as you I did my first disclosure about 2weeks ago and I just want you to know that I was rejected to so ik and understand how you feel so if you need someone to talk to I'm here :) ...it makes me feel really bad too and a lot of time all I wanna do is sleep now I dont have energy for absolutely anything anymore but what usually helps me is talking about it with ppl on here and also forcing myself out of the house and doing some yoga ...also some days are worse than others not everyday is gonna be a bad day but time will heal it (as cliche as that sounds ..its true)

[KPonyo23]

I really can't give you any advice I'm in the same stage as you I did my first disclosure about 2weeks ago and I just want you to know that I was rejected to so ik and understand how you feel so if you need someone to talk to I'm here :) ...it makes me feel really bad too and a lot of time all I wanna do is sleep now I dont have energy for absolutely anything anymore but what usually helps me is talking about it with ppl on here and also forcing myself out of the house and doing some yoga ...also some days are worse than others not everyday is gonna be a bad day but time will heal it (as cliche as that sounds ..its true)

[KPonyo23]

I did not mean to post that three times my phone is stupid... Sorry

[WCSDancer2010]

BTW, I wrote this about Rejection ... perhaps it will help you both to view it a little differently ;)

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/

[KPonyo23]

I have to admit I was definitely on the verge of tears a min ago and not saying that this article fixed evrything ik its up to me to change the way i feel about myslef but reading it def makes me feel a little better and it makes a lot of good points so thank you :) @wcsdancer2010 ...

[WCSDancer2010]

Glad to help :)

[ShaeShae]

Thanks everybody. I know that right now I am feeling completely humiliated and defeated. And I know I would never wish this on another person, but thank you @kdavis for letting me know I am not alone in this. I am very leery about ever opening up and disclosing to a potential partner again. I am definitely afraid of being rejected again because I don't know how many times I can take that. Once was definitely enough. Not that I would keep it from any potentials, but I just wouldn't find any potentials. I don't know. My head is certainly pretty messed up right now.

[sweetfemme]

You know something? That person chose to leave you. In order for you to have a close, intimate relationship with someone they have to be okay with you having h. You did the right thing by telling this individual. Rejection is never easy. I know the feeling of dirtiness and tainted as I used to say. Remember this disease is highly stigmatized because you got it from having sex. I've had h since August 2012 and it's not a horrible disease, the physical aspect of the disease is not overly bad. It's the stigma people put on us that is. It is a person's choice to leave you and when they left you they left a lot of good things. I cannot determine your self-worth for you, that is something that you have to determine for yourself and other people will have to see your worth once you figured that out. For me I had to take time to get to know myself all over again, I questioned myself entirely. I spent time with friends and people who make me feel good, people who make me laugh and enjoy my company. Also take care of your body- eat healthy, drink water, exercise. Before other people can find you desirable you have to see yourself as desirable. Hold your head up high and do what you need to do. Don't give too much of your time dwelling over the rejection, you deserve better than that. Your time is worthy of doing something productive.

[WCSDancer2010]

@ShaeShae

 

Go and read the link I put out there for @kdavis... rejection is a part of life honey. What you have to learn is that you can't take it personally. It's not about YOU... it's about *their* "deal-breakers", thats all. And he's done you a favor... because if he hung around because he felt obliged, that would keep you from being open to someone who REALLY values you enough to not care about your H status.

 

Please read the link - I think it may help you a bit :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[LiveNLearn]

I have been on both sides of this equation. Prior to my own diagnosis, I remember dating a guy who disclosed soon after we began seeing one another. When he told me, I freaked out. I mean, I didn't freak out in front of him, but I decided when he told me I was not going to let things go any further. Fear of the unknown, and also that lovely stigma that comes with the virus. I remember making up some excuse about it, like I wasn't really ready for a relationship and it had nothing to do with his status...even though I was scared to death of it.

 

So, now that I am on this end, I have not had to disclose to anyone because I got this virus from my ex-husband. There has been no one else to have to disclose to. However, I have two close friends who have the virus, and I listen to both of them constantly, telling me how hard it is to be rejected. I haven't had a boyfriend since my divorce, so I have yet to cross this bridge.

 

Since my diagnosis over two years ago, I have learned so much about this virus. I have read more than I could ever remember. I realize now how common it is, and how many docs just kind of push it off like it's not a big deal. That a high percentage of the population has it, but just doesn't know it. If we base it on statistics alone, sooner or later you are going to meet someone who has the same status as you. Or, you will meet someone who is so amazing and so in love with you, that it just will not matter. They will love you, and just see the virus as something that comes with you.

 

Until then, see this as an opportunity to truly get to know someone. In my opinion, we really do not know someone fully for 8 months to 1 year. Many of us need to learn the art of dating, and forming a foundation with someone that does not involve sex.

 

Love and light to you!!

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

I realize now how common it is, and how many docs just kind of push it off like it's not a big deal. That a high percentage of the population has it, but just doesn't know it. If we base it on statistics alone, sooner or later you are going to meet someone who has the same status as you. Or, you will meet someone who is so amazing and so in love with you, that it just will not matter. They will love you, and just see the virus as something that comes with you.

 

Until then, see this as an opportunity to truly get to know someone. In my opinion, we really do not know someone fully for 8 months to 1 year. Many of us need to learn the art of dating, and forming a foundation with someone that does not involve sex.

 

AMEN!!! Especially learning the art of dating. This just came up on my FB feed, and it's so (sadly) true

 

http://thoughtcatalog.com/christopher-hudspeth/2014/04/18-ugly-truths-about-modern-dating-that-you-have-to-deal-with/

 

Dating is a (nearly) lost art... but I think that we women need to start insisting on holding the guys to a standard where they EARN the right to our bodies..... (and I am as guilty as the next for giving over the "cookie" before I know that we are on the same page for what we want). Herpes gives us a great reason to hold off sex and get to know the person better, and that HAS to be a good thing in the end :)