When do you tell someone? And can you forgive someone for not disclosing?

Marie14 · November 6, 2014

Hey there,

So I am new to this whole herpes thing. :)

I just tested positive yesterday, three months ago I was negative. I started seeing someone new and he was really nice and I liked him. I had talked to him about STDs and he told me he gets tested by the army. About a month after we began to have sex I went to the doctors for a UTI and she told me that I had herpes. I was terrified to tell this guy because it could have only have came from him and I didn't want to break that to someone, and I didn't want to worry him if it was actually nothing. So I blew him off for over a week, which was really mean, but the test took 13 days to come back. So I told him after eight days and I was really nervous and I felt bad because no one wants to tell someone that they might have this. The conversation took a turn when he replied with, "Yea you probably got that from me." He told me he got it from his ex who didn't know she had it, and didn't have symptoms ... then he told me that he didn't think you could get it if you weren't having an outbreak. He wasn't on antivirals, we didn't use protection every time. And I am just upset that he didn't disclose and that he didn't take any precautions to protect me.

Anywho, the test came back negative. I thought it was most likely wrong though. I had my second outbreak a little over two weeks later, and this time it was pretty obvious. I went back to the doctors and got tested again. This time it tested positive. I ride horses for a living so if this keeps happening I will most likely have to leave my job and my apartment so this has been pretty stressful.

I do not know if I should be mad at this guy ... let me rephrase that ... I am mad. Very mad, but I don't know if I should cut him a break and see where it goes. I feel like what he did show a lack of integrity.

My other questions is when do you disclose. I feel like I am lying to people by continuing to talk to them without telling them. I feel like I should just get it out of the way in the beginning. I am not really sure how to date with this. I don't even know if that made sense.

FLNewH · November 6, 2014

So, I may be the wrong person to comment since I am also newly diagnosed and still a bit emotional about it and it's been a shitty day, but I have to respond.

No. He knew. No breaks.

But, ok, let me now give the opinion of someone who may not be as angry about herpes as I am right now. Maybe he was "uninformed" and really didn't think there was any way he could have ever given it to you if he wasn't having an OB. OK, then give him the benefit of the doubt. But ask yourself this, Do you really believe him that he didn't think there was a risk? Can you ever really trust him or will this always be in the back of your head?

Me personally, even if I didn't think there was a risk, I still would let the other person know.

I haven't had to disclose yet, but I understand what you mean. I've thought about that lately. I think when things start to go down the path of leading towards a more intimate relationship.

CityofAngels · November 6, 2014

Personally I think he had the responsibility to become informed once he knew he had herpes, that it was incurable, and that it was contagious. *The least* he could have done was find out enough information to become informed so that he could protect his future partners. At the very least, he was negligent. At the worst, he knowingly kept secret a condition that you had every right to know about.

seeker · November 6, 2014

I am going to chime in here. I can see the whole didn't really know about herpes thing to some point, but, he didnt do his due diligence. I know it can be the whole stigma thing but I fail to understand someone being told they have a lifelong, transmittable virus and not learning more about it. maybe,, just maybe his doctor was ignorant and told him, " well you cant give it to someone w/o an OB so you don't really need to go around telling everyone" however, last I checked its almost 2015 and there are tons of info out there, even the CDCs info mentions asymptomatic shedding and any doctor who willfully doesn't keep up to date on information is negligent. cmon, an army doctor not seeing lots of STIs???? really, believe that ive got some swampland to sell you.

Marie14 · November 6, 2014

We have still been in touch ... and he did apologize, but not very sincerely. I have talked to him about it, and he hasn't been very supportive. I get the feeling that he doesn't think that this is a big deal. And really it isn't but it is. If that makes sense. My issue with it is I wouldn't do this to someone else. I feel like he is dishonest ... and that worries me. Integrity is something I look for in a partner, and someone who considers my well-being.

Anonemess · November 6, 2014

My OBGYN is one who told me to just not have sexual during an OB, that I would not be shedding any longer. And she has hsv as well. She told me when I bumped into her at the grocery store. It was shortly after my diagnosis and just the sight of her made me cry.

seeker · November 6, 2014

@ corissa , gonna have to go with your gut on this one. now the issue becomes, do you believe it IF he says what I mentioned is what his doctor told him, or is he trying to cover his arse? a less than sincere apology is a red flag for me, but I have h2 and would never not disclose to anyone I was potentially intimate with.

threelittlebirds · November 6, 2014

I have hsv2 and my partner of 6 years gave it to me without disclosing. Let me just say there were tons of other red flags that I chose to ignore. Eventually, I was so fed up with him that I ended it. If he worries you now, those worries likely won't disappear. WCSDancer2010 recently showed me this link that helped clear things up for me in my current situation...

http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes

As for being able to forgive him... I struggle with the same thing. It is really difficult but, I agree with @inka that it needs to be done for yourself. I've tried to expand my understanding of forgiveness and something that seems to stick with me is that ultimately, forgiveness is something you give yourself. It's been a year since my diagnosis and I'm still working on it :)

Marie14 · November 6, 2014

You guys are really great. I am glad I found this website. :)

I would like to believe him, but I also feel like I would be settling because he gave me herpes. I feel like I should just stay with him because it would be easier. I keep thinking that if it works out then I wouldn't have to disclose. But I don't want to settle ... but really ... in reality ... how many guys would take the risk?

I have known that I have probably had it for a month. And now if anyone even comes close to hitting on me, or complimenting me, I feel guilty. I feel like I should tell them because they wouldn't do that if they knew. I feel like I am lying. I don't know if these feelings are normal. When do you disclose to potential partners? When is too early?

risingsun · November 6, 2014

@Corissa, I feel similarly. Meeting someone new, it's like you're counting down when to reveal. I revealed on the fifth time. Things were becoming intense to the point where I had to say something or I wouldn't feel good about going further. It hurts a little the change in demeanor of the guy I disclosed it to and he is currently thinking it through. But beyond this point without telling him, I started to feel like it would become like false advertising. First date, definitely too early. Just depending on the pace of the courtship.

Marie14 · November 6, 2014

@risingsun, It is hard to navigate. I am sure it gets easier ... its it bad that I feel like disclosing through a text message. :( I have herpes ... thanks for dinner. This is just so unfamiliar and discouraging. I don't even know ... I kinda want to put it on my facebook and keep shouting it because then it's out there and I don't have to tell anyone. I won't do that, but that is my general feeling.

Beachdude1984 · November 7, 2014

Agree with Inka. Many, many doctors tell patients that the virus can not be transmitted in the absence of symptoms. I still think he had a moral duty to disclose, but I understand why he didn't..

seeker · November 7, 2014

@ corissa forgiveness is for you. holding a grudge is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies. it is NOT forgetting nor letting off the hook.

and don't worry, men will still like you, want to date you, etc and yes, even after you disclose. if I may be so bold, you look to be a very attractive woman ( as are all the women on here for some reason) so I have no doubt the men will be falling all over for you. this is just new and you are dealing with the stigma, the new info, the potential betrayal, etc.

it will get better, just look at the vets on here. they have better social lives now than I had pre H (sigh).

Marie14 · November 7, 2014

That you so much for all of your kind words. Today is a much better day for me ... but my emotions seem to be fluctuating a lot since they told me I might have this. I chose to be happy because life is to short to not be. I am sure there will be hard times though.

jordenellisson · November 7, 2014

I didn t read all the comments so excuse me if I am releating info here. But I don't wantcu to fret about not being able to ride horses. I've had this crap for 15 years but let me tell u the out breaks get much milder and very less frequent I probably get one outbreak a year. While yes they hurt its nothing like when I first caught it.

Marie14 · November 7, 2014

Thank you. I was really worried about losing my job because it is pretty impossible to ride while have an OB. I have been told that it gets milder ... I just have to get through the first couple of times.

WCSDancer2010 · November 7, 2014

@Corissa

hello and Welcome!

Wow - a lot of posts today, so sorry for not getting to this earlier!

Several things.

1) There's a VERY good chance that he was told by his Dr that he didn't have to worry about passing it on as long as he didn't have sex during an OB. We have even had people on here who were TOLD by their DOCTOR that as long as they do that they don't need to tell their partners! Many doctors are horrendously behind the times in their Herpes education :(

2) Given the above, I'm guessing he *could* have taken the Dr's word and not felt he needed to look for more information. Many people take the Dr's word for everything (BAD idea, as I have learned through many different experiences) and they forget that there is so much info out there on so many things, that most PCP/GP doctors will have at least *some* areas where their knowledge is somewhat lacking because they are generalists trying to cover everything... and they just plain can't keep up with it all. So you just have to figure out for yourself if you can trust him in the future.

3)And no, he probably can't understand why it's such a big deal for you as he obviously isn't having a bad time with OB's and may never have had a tough time with it.

4) yes you should be able to ride but it may be awhile before things settle down. You should try as many of the options that you will find in the links below to see what works for you to help your body to fight off the OB's as fast as possible ... I've had H for 35 yrs and I raised and trained horses for many years ;)

5) When to disclose? When it's right for YOU. Read all the Success Stories that you can to get familiar with things that have worked for others on here. Read my Wingman blog and Disclosure blogs.... (links below) and just hang here and see how others are coping with it. Don't rush into anything, and don't feel "guilty" when talking to a cute guy. There are TONS of "deal breakers" out there that people are afraid to tell a new potential partner ... but they don't feel guilty about them ... right? :)

(((HUGS)))

Treatments/medications

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/easy-simple-self-help-tips-for-relief-from-herpes-outbreaks/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4810/bactine-for-oral-and-even-genital-herpes#Item_1

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-treatment/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-medication/

Links to some of the items suggested in the links

http://tinyurl.com/pmosahc Link to Alum

http://tinyurl.com/Aloecream

http://tinyurl.com/bactine (I just bought some today, used it on an OB on my mouth and it *may* be shrinking already ;) )

http://tinyurl.com/Oragelsgldose

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/