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Is this the end?

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I just found this website the other day, and I put myself in a situation that I shouldn't have. I had been seeing this woman and we had sex for the first time a month and a half ago. That was the first time. Then, a few days later, she confesses to me that she has genital herpes. I couldn't believe that she didn't disclose that to me earlier, and I told her that was extremely deceptive, dishonest, and self-serving. Anyway, I'm not seeing her anymore and I want no contact with her. BUT what if I contracted herpes from sleeping with her? She says that she was on Valtrex (yeah right), and we did use a condom. But still. She looked alright down below, didn't see anything wrong, but I don't know, I've read some things on this site over the past few days that are not encouraging. If I get herpes, I think that would be it for me. Plus, the way I feel now, I could murder the woman who didn't disclose to me first BEFORE sex (no not literally but I would really scream at her if I saw her on the street). I got a herpes test a few days ago, something called "igg" and "igm" and both were negative for both types of herpes. Does that mean I'm in the clear?

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I understand not being disclosed to, that is how I contracted hsv2. My ex-bf of 6 years kept it from me... for 6 years! It is extremely dishonest, deceptive, and self-serving. But, I have compassion for how difficult it can be to disclose. Was it right? No. Do I expect that kind of behavior from myself? No. Anger is a completely normal response but, forgiveness (however long that process may take) will serve you well. This is not "the end" for you... I promise. There is a lot of good information on this site that can help you understand that. It helped me when I felt like I wouldn't be able to get past it.


From what I know, it takes 4-6 months post-exposure for those blood tests to show a positive result so, when that time comes.. get yourself another blood test. Its a good sign that you didn't see any outbreak symptoms and that you used a condom. that reduces your risk (as a male) to about 2%. If she was on meds (it's possible that she really was) it cuts your risk to 1%. Did you talk about STIs and eachother's status before having sex? Before you get intimate with someone it is always a good idea to have an STI talk. That way, you've done your due diligence. I don't mean to preach on that last part, I am well aware of how "unsexy" it can be to talk about sex and STIs before engaging in the act but, if you are really this concerned about contracting one, be careful. Having that talk can strengthen a relationship and show to that person that you are open and trustworthy. The "herpes talk" for those of us who are H+ is a very similar thing.


I hope this helped. Good luck to you, my fingers are crossed :)

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I think u need to understand the facts befor concluding that this is the end..

also... if she said she was on valtrex... i believe her.

there is a 4% chance of a male contracting herpes from a female.


Add valtrex... 2% chance.

add condom... 1% chance.


Yes she should have disclosed to u before sex, but it is what it is now...

to be safe get another blood test in 3 months ish...


And just because she "looked alright" down there... doesnt mean jack. All it means is that she didnt have an o.b. at the time. Viral shedding for hsv2 ( not to be confused with transmissoon rates.. they are different) happens i think 13% of the time...

meaning skin on skin contact without an o.b. can transmit the virus.

BUT.. if she IS on the antiviral a.k.a. valtrex then the viral shedding percent is lowerd a great amount too...


Please dont worry too much. Your best bet is to learn from the facts and stats that @Adrial has posted. And get that blood test in a coupl months. I think ur going to be just fine.





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Very little to worry about dude. The rates the ladies posted are per year. 1% per year. Primary outbreaks usually happen 2-10 days post exposure. If you have had no symptoms a month and a half later, then I would say it is extremely unlikely you contracted herpes. Get checked again in a few months just to be sure.


By the way, the wording of your post came across as a little condescending and insulting to me.

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Hello and Welcome!


The ladies gave you good facts ... I'll add a video below which will give you some good info.


So, as for HOW you got into this situation, a little Tough Love friend ...


If YOU did not bring up STD's with her beforehand, you are 50% responsible for your situation. The vast majority of us on here were also guilty of not asking about our partner's status first and we have had to take responsibility for that part of the equation. So perhaps this scare will help you to make sure that you at the very least have a conversation about STD's before you have sex AND make sure the person knows that they likely have not been tested for Herpes unless they specifically ASKED for it as saw the results/got a phone call to tell them their results. Get educated about ALL STD's .... go to the CDC website and learn about transmission so you know how to go into future relationships.


Not that it was OK that she didn't tell you first, but it's this kind of reaction that causes people to not want to tell ... the fear of a nasty reaction/rejection sometimes makes people do stupid things.


However, she DID fess up afterwards and it sounds like she is doing everything else to protect her partner (taking Valtrex and using condoms) so as mentioned, your risk was likely about 1% ... and that (again, as mentioned) is actually over the course of a whole year assuming you are having sex 2x/week so your risk with a ONE TIME exposure with all those factors should be well below 1%.


Get retested again in 4 months for your own peace of mind, but odds are you shouldn't have gotten anything from her.


I've read some things on this site over the past few days that are not encouraging. If I get herpes, I think that would be it for me.


Not sure why you feel this way - most people who have had Herpes for awhile (I've had it 35+ years) will tell you that it really isn't a big deal once you learn how to manage it, and if you look at the Success Stories, you will find that there are actually many H- people dating H+ people out there. It's a nuisance skin condition in a really inconvenient place, that's all. When you get it that the stigma is not justified for the reality of dealing with the virus, dealing with it becomes just something that life dealt you and it doesn't have to have a negative impact in your life.


Handouts + disclosure e-book:



Herpes facts video
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Well, my post was not condescending. It is expressing my anger and shock that she LIED TO ME about having an STD. Whether or not you felt my post was condescending is YOUR problem, not mine.


Yeah, I should've asked if I was that worried about it. BUT she had a legal obligation to disclose to me. In my state, not disclosing ANY std, curable or incurable, is illegal. So she had a legal and moral obligation, and she blew it with me.


Now I have to go through the distress of worrying whether I have herpes for the next several months, and I don't like it at all.


No, I am not forgiving of people's deception and deceit when it concerns me and has the chance to affect me. And this can affect me in a major way. So I stop caring about people's shortcoming at the doorstep to my own self-interest.

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I can understand your complete rage at this woman. And please dont take this the wrong way, just want to do a little damage control here for her sake...yes it was very awful and dishonest for her not to disclose, however that doesn't make her a villan out there to seek and destroy your genitals. Trust me this woman is hiding because she is absolutly mortified she even hasnt come to terms with the stigma herpes is bringing her.the most honest person may not disclose purly because they r so afraid and humiliated. I would believe her is she said she is on valtrex I know she didnt disclose to u but its not cause she's a lier its because she's terrified. Anyway pretty good chances u didn't catch it. Not only cause its way harder for men to get it but most likey u would of had an outbreak by now

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I understand your anger and frustration. And again, I'm not condoning what she did. We ALWAYS advise people here to disclose. AND, as I said before, most of us were not disclosed to by our givers ... so we understand where you are coming from.


But take it from someone who had been around the block a few times: We are ALL human beings, being human. I'm pretty sure you have done *something* in your past that was less-than-honest or in integrity. And likely you did it because you were scared of the result . Human beings make errors of judgement all the time. Sometimes others are affected by those behaviors. But it takes a VERY courageous person to correct that error. That girls could well have just plain never told you. Or she could have told you she just got tested and just found out she had it. She could have lied to cover her mistake. She didn't. She fessed up because she *does* have a conscience. So please, give her that. Have you cleaned up every mess that you have ever made that might have negatively affected another? ;)


Just trying to help you to understand that there are no perfect people out there. You can CHOOSE to use this experience to learn just a *little* compassion AND to learn that YOU need to always take personal responsibility of your sexual health in the future ;)




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Well look, uh, this was a SURPRISE. I didn't see this coming. One minute everything was on the up and up, and the next minute, she drops the bomb on me.


I'm not the type of guy that likes surprises as it is. I like everything status quo, regular. So this was kind of a shock. We haven't spoken since she told me but yeah I guess I could accept that she was scared and all. But it's weird that she did disclose but after sex I mean it seems like if she was scared she shoud've either disclosed before sex or not disclosed and broken up with me. That's people for you I guess...

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I get it... Herpes is pretty much a surprise for anyone who gets it and not one that they would want. BUT, honey, THAT'S LIFE!


Life is a sexually transmitted condition and there are a hell of a lot of us (myself included) who were not in the life plans of our parents. We were a "surprise" for them too and somehow we all got through it one way or another.


If you are stuck on everything staying status quo, you are going to have one hell of a rocky life.... so I suggest that you learn to relax a little and learn to take the speed bumps as they come....


You may want to check out this conversation that we just had on another thread that may help you to understand what likely was happening for her as well .... and yes, that's people for you.... but as the article that we are discussing points out, there's a HUGE difference between passion-induced stupidity and malicious intent. One shows our humanity ... the other is something psychopathic and those people are really sick and need to be removed from society and need treatment.




I'm not trying to play down what she did... I'm trying to help YOU to find forgiveness so you can move on. Because that is in YOUR best interest right now.... ;)


And check out this blog by Mark Manson (I love his blogs in general BTW) ... just to get a reality check about STD's.



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