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My boyfriend is terrified to sleep with me... HELP

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So my boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months, faithfully, and I found out a month ago that I have genital herpes. He immediately asked if I had been with anyone else, and of course I told him no. He seemed to believe me and we just kept living. A few weeks later after my outbreak had cleared up I kept trying to be intimate with him and I got nothing. I didn't think anything of it for a few more weeks, until he said he just didn't care about being intimate... This broke my heart. We finally talked a little bit. He still has yet to be tested, I think he is scared of the results. Anyways he is terrified to sleep with me if he doesn't have it. I'm scared it over for us because it still seems he doesn't trust that I haven't been with anybody, I mean he does, but it's the what if... I don't know how to make him trust me... I am scared if he finds out he doesn't have herpes we will never be intimate again, and if we aren't how can we ever make it? Then again if he does have it I'm scared he will secretly blame me... This scares me, he is the love of my life and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He swears he only wants to be with me and that he doesn't want to leave. I have given him an out, I mean I understand his being scared or whatever, but if I were in his shoes I know I love him and want to be with him forever and I would take the risk. I just don't know what to do, or how to handle this situation... Any and all input is welcome and needed.


Thanks in advance!


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@em4emevol I'm sorry to hear of this difficult situation you are in. Maybe he is already HSV+. Maybe he didn't want to get intimate because he was having an outbreak. Has he been tested yet? You only have control over yourself so take care of you and your physical, emotional, mental health first. And when you're in a good place, share with him how hard this has been on you and how you love him deeply. Then, if he still is freaked out, I suspect maybe there is something else going on. Just my take.

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Blood test or swab? Both of you need to get tested. Also for type, either of you could have had H for a long time and not know. He could have hsv1 orally since childhood and gave it to you genitally. Ask him to get tested , if he procrastinates that could be a red flag. Hope for the best but be prepared for the worse. Show him the handouts, this site,etc.

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I wrote this on ur other post....


willow 7:20AM EditFlag


Posts: 574


Hey em!

Well this is a toughy...

i totally understand both parties here.


So first some questions,

1; how were you diagnosed?

2; do you know what type you have?

3 do you know *specifically where* the virus is gennitally?

These are important to know so you can help your partner be protected...


Secondly.... i would show him this site, or text him the links.

oral and vaginal sex arent to be considered dangerous if you are taking all the right precations.


For hsv2 gennital : there is a 4% risk of transmission (that yearly, twice a week statistics)

Using a condom OR being on suppressive therapy ( 1 pill of valtrex or acyclovir or famcyclovir) daily reduces transmission rates by 50 to 80%.

So now ur looking at 2% or less transmission rate.

using BOTH , lowers transmission rates by another 50%, leaving u with roughly 1% transmission rate.


For the record theres like a 2% chance that youll get hurt in a car accident in a year.


Heres some links...








I hsv2-g, my bf is h-, and we have sex and oral sex often. So far he is still h-

We dont use condoms as i am allergic to latex.

im also on valtrex 1 pill, 500mg daily.

Hope this helps a bit!



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Hello and Welcome!


Well, here's the thing. If you are having a primary outbreak, then the odds are you got it from him.... he may have gone for an STD test before you started dating but the odds are very high that he was not tested for Herpes. Can he get a copy of his test results?


If he is H-, then yes, there's also a good chance you could have carried it unknowingly. 80% of people who have Herpes don't know they have it. I have a client who had her first ever OB after 30 years of marriage. Thankfully her Dr managed to help her husband understand that her diagnosis didn't mean she had cheated and that she may have carried it for all that time unknowingly. As far as I know, she hasn't had another OB in the last 2 years since diagnosis :/


I suggest you do 2 things:


Print out the handouts and ebook for him. Help him to get educated; and


Take him to your Dr (preferably OBGYN or Planned Parenthood if he is not comfortable with going to your lady-Dr ;) ) and have them talk to him.


You need to make sure he's properly informed. After that, if he is that concerned about getting it, well, perhaps he's not the perfect match that you would want him to be. I know that isn't what you want to hear, but it is what it is. But don't give up - I had a BF who FREAKED for a whole month after I disclosed but once he came around everything was fine... his doctor was the one that helped him to chill out ... so get your BF to someone who can help him to figure out the reality of the risks so he can put it into perspective :)


Here's the links for the info to print out for him




Handouts + disclosure e-book:



Herpes facts video
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em4emevol 4:50PM Flag


Posts: 3


@willow I was diagnosed by my gyno. I had a sore on my butt cheek/inner thigh, and I went to get checked out. She did a swab test and I'm not 100% positive what type of herpes I have, I was so much in shock when she told me, I just know it is the genital kind and not the oral. He said he was tested at a clinic just before we started seeing each other. 


Do you by any chance know how rare it is for the virus to not show symptoms for 10 months or more? I'm not sure when I actually contracted it, I just know it's either from him, or from someone way before him...


I am currently taking the valtrex pill daily as well, and we have finally had sex once. He used a condom and kept his boxers on, it kinda took the magic out of it a bit. But he felt safe I think... I dunno...


willow 5:56PM EditFlag


Posts: 577


Just so u know... 50% of new cases if herpes comes from oral sex.

BOTH hsv1 (coldsores) AND hsv2 can cause issues on the gennitals.


As for symptons... 80% of people who have herpes dont know it because of asympotmatic shedding. That means someone can carry the hsv virus ( 1 or 2) and not even know it because they dont have o.b.s


You *could* have contracted it from a recent ex... or from someone back in the day.

if you show symptons 2 to 20 days after having sex.... its likely it was the most recent.

but @WCSDancer2010 knows people who have had an o.b. 20 + years into their marriage.

Its a tricky lil bugger...


Also when you go to get an std test, MOST places dont test for herpes.

stupid i know... so you should ask him if he KNOWS wether or not he was teated dor herpes as he may not have been...


willow 6:03PM EditFlag


Posts: 577


If your partner has ever had a coldsore, and has done oral on u, its quire possible he xoukd give u hsv1 on ur gennitals...


As i said... its a tricky lil bugger!!!! Grr



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