Is it ok to touch without disclosing that I have herpes?

[YoungAndReceptive]

So this guy I have been seeing lately and I have had many talks about our sex life. I told him I am not willing to have sex until I am in a committed relationship. I did not tell him I have genital HSV1. So we have been sticking to making out and touching over the pants.

 

We finally made the step to go into each others pants to play. No oral sex just touching.

 

Was it wrong to let him finger me without disclosing my status? I thought hands would be the only appropriate thing to do without disclosing, but I am now wondering if that was wrong of me and I should not have let him.

[WCSDancer2010]

Well, there *could* be the argument that he could get Herpes Whitlow (we have 2 people on here right now with it which makes it *look* like it's common but remember we will attract the "less common" stuff here because there isn't much info/support out there on it) esp if there is any chance of an OB coming on.

 

And of course, it's easy to get carried away once the hormones get really raging .... especially if alcohol is involved :(

 

And if he touches you then himself, well, the odds are very very low that he could pass it on to himself ... BUT ... the odds are high that when you tell him he will be convinced that he's going to get it/already got it if he gets to over thinking things ....

 

So *I* for one would say that if you have already had some really frank discussions about your sex lives, and he's been cool with everything, then odds are he will be ok with discussing this. Given you have HSV1, I'd start with asking him if he ever gets cold sores. If he says yes, you have the perfect segue to the conversation. Ask him if he knows that he can pass it to the genitals through Oral sex.... and whatever his answer, you can say that you learned the hard way because you got it down there from someone who didn't know. And that odds are he carries the H1 virus even if he doesn't remember having any cold sores. Then talk about when it would be appropriate for you to both go get tested together. Just make it a conversation around RESPONSIBLE adult behavior and getting educated. ;)

 

Have the handouts ready in case he's totally uneducated and send him here. That way, you don't have to worry about keeping things away from him and he has time to get educated before you get too far along in your relationship. ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

Herpes facts video

[YoungAndReceptive]

 

Thanks dancer. Hugs !

 

But I'm having a freak out now . We ended up fooling around again the next day too . I haven't had any sexual contact since I contracted the virus back in March, and it's embarresing to say that I was sore that next day but still let him do it again . And I even noticed marks on my sheets which could have been a tiny bit of blood.

& now I feel itchy and am scared I am about to have an OB . I'm not sure if it's my head, I'm hoping it is, but I feel that the sexual contact triggered an OB. If I am about to have an OB is it 100% that I probably gave him H if he didn't have it already ? I'm freaking out that I passed it to him. I'm obviously not ready for this type of relationship yet and need to be comfortable disclosing my information before I get to any kind of physical level.

[WCSDancer2010]

No - it sex CAUSES an OB odds are it was the irritation that caused the OB ... just like when someone with cold sores gets an OB after being in the sun.

 

And honey, there is NEVER a 100% chance that you will give Herpes to someone, even with an active OB (tho the number would definitely be much closer, but it doesn't mean they will get it.

 

The thing is, when you don't disclose you are keeping all of the burden of not transmitting on yourself. If you are ever going to be in ANY long term relationship (even w/o herpes) you have to have a level of trust and honesty and shared responsibility for the health and welfare of yourself and your partner.

 

Check out these Ted talks about Vulnerability and Shame - I think you will find a lot speaks to you :)

 

Shame

Vulnerability