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When to disclose?


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Found out a few years back that I am H+ thought I was just getting a heat rash down below and paid it no mind...then one day saw a pic in a medical book and my jaw hit the floor, have been on a daily suppression medicine every day since. Thanks to this site I have also started using L-Lysine, vitamin C, as well as a daily multivitamin. So these days an OB is almost unheard of for me.

Now to the point of this whole post, I have been talking with a girl that I have known more than half my life and we have always been really mentally as well as physically connected to one another and now we are getting very serious about what is going to happen when we are together next...reason being is I live on one side of the U.S. and she lives in the middle. Long story short I am supposed to fly to where she is for a small vacation. So now I'm posting this because I know that I have to tell her about me having H, but the best way to do it seems to elude me.

One part of me says to just disclose over the phone, and then give her time and everything to think about it. The other part of me says to do it face to face and answer all her questions while being able to look at her and maybe be able to gauge her reactions better, then if she is good with it great and if not...well my family is from there so I guess they get to see me for a few extra days.

So I guess I am looking for a female perspective on this question, which way would you prefer to find out? Over the phone, or being able to look that person in the face when they are telling you?

Thank you in advance for any input.

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Hi there!

 

These are found on our FAQs page:

 

Should I have the herpes talk face-to-face or not?

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1642/stronger-than-ever-herpes-disclosure-through-a-letter/p1

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1736/how-to-disclose-herpes-phonetext-or-in-person/p1

 

And have you seen this video I made years ago? It's an oldie but goodie. :)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-talk/

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I would strongly suggest that you do it face to face if possible. She will see how you approach it. Try to do it with confidence but allow yourself to be vulnerable as well ... yeah... it's a fine balance to get it right but at the same time, there is no one "right" way to disclose. We've had people who were confident get turned down and people who were a blubbering mess have the person scoop them up and tell them it would be ok. The main thing is to not be all doom-and-gloom about living with it. If you can approach it that it's a manageable condition and that you will do everything to keep her from getting it, then it will just be a matter of how she feels about a getting a mild health inconvenience....some people are more sensitive about these things than others. :/

 

I would just try to not get into a setting that will induce too many hormones for a day or so, ease into being "with" her, then tell her that you have something you need to discuss before you get intimate because you value her enough to entrust her with something personal. That willingness to be vulnerable goes a LONG way because most people want that in a partner (especially a man, because you guys are not usually as willing to go there ;) ). If you mean that much to her, she will at the very least take the time to get educated. Have the Handouts and Ebook printed to give her, and tell her she can come on here to ask anything or you will help her to get any more info but tell her to stay the hell off Google :)

 

Here's some more info on Disclosure to help you figure out what works for YOU :)

 

Disclosure

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/when-should-i-disclose/

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/disclosure-its-not-just-about-herpes/

http://herpeslife.com/disclosing-cold-sores-oral-herpes-hsv-1-to-potential-partners-before-kissing/

When to have the H talk Adrial
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Thanks all, I have been reading many of the posts as well as videos, I watched the one with the Dr. that discusses (with a bare foot Adrial) all about what H truly is 2x now. It is comforting to see on posts what many of us have had in our head for a while now, and it makes one realize there really is no reason to be alone.

I agree I need to do it in person, so I'll book my flight and see how it goes. In the meantime I am definitely going to be continuously reading and educating my self about this virus as well as how to best approach people with it. It truly does look like it gets easier with each confession...like letting air out of a balloon I would imagine.

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  • 1 month later...

Success! Guess we can move this to the happy ending category. I stayed calm this whole time leading up to the visit and discussion. Read tons of posts and got my talking points in order in my mind. Used examples of some of the storie's here, such as @wcsdancer2010 times being married and not passing it on, having kids and so on. I let her know how I felt about her and as soon as I started feeling like I was going down a feel sorry for me rout I changed it to what it is, a part of me not me. I think she really appreciated it when I let her know I would rather loose her then have her knowing what my circumstances are and her not been given the opportunity to say if she wanted to roll the dice on the 2% chance of getting H.

Honestly I finally know the stress and difficulty that I thought I understood while reading other people's stories. But like combat nothing can prepare you for the moment except experiencein it. The good thing is that the training from all the videos here as well as everyone sharing their personal experiences really prepared me for this moment. In the end she said lots of people have it, and I then rattled off the percentages for her and told her to let me guide her to websites that will give her a better understanding if she wanted.

Not freaking out and just giving a here it is take it or leave it explanation is the best way to go about disclosure. Because really that's what it came down to. Not saying I was Joe Cool the whole time by no means, I just remembered think bad it will be, think posative and it will be...everything the experts said from the get go. THANK YOU ALL!

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Thanks dancer. I really did paraphrase so much durung the talk it was like I had this site in book format with pages dog eared. I think she really understood how hard it was for me to say out loud because I let her know I read both sides of other disclosures and it truly is a 50/50 chance of stay or go and that's the harsh reality of it. But worth the risk of honesty.

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True ... though in my experience on here I would say that the odds are better than 50/50 ... if I was to guess I'd say that about 75% or better for the person to stay ...I think that is because we are less likely to disclose to someone who we are not sure is a good match or someone who lacks empathy and compassion .... so it's sorta like a pre-vetting of a potential partner .. WE cut THEM out when we see behaviors that tell us that they are not a person who is at least going to be willing to get educated and listen and make an informed choice while being sensitive to how this effects us ;)

 

The result is that the transparency and willingness to be vulnerable can bring you CLOSER to each other :)

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  • 1 month later...
  • 4 months later...

Your story is truly inspiring! In two days, I have a special lady friend coming in to town from out of country. We met at a marathon last October and have been in touch - through Skype and FB - ever since. There is definitely some attraction going on between us but I haven't told her about "Harold" yet (gotta give it a name, right?!).

 

Also, she will be staying at my place.....for a month (gulp). How we got to this point is beyond me, as I was not seeking anything out with her.

 

Thanks again for sharing! I've been educating myself even more these days to be that much more prepped to have the talk with her. I am a bit nervous but what can I do except be straightforward about it. I think I may be more concerned about telling her at the right TIME.

 

Have a great weekend!

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