dont know what to do ... I may have passed herpes to him

[carlyyy03]

so, ive had herpes for 4 years now, had plenty of boyfriends, none ever caught it from me.. im very responsible when it comes to this virus, but the other night i saw this guy ive been talking too, and things got a little heated, a lot more happened then i had planned. he was a bit aggressive and pushy ... that night i remember i felt a little pain down there, but not anything like an outbreak, obviously i know how one feels from when i got raped, and that was the only outbreak i ever got... but i guess the other night when we were hooking up i wasnt in pain but felt a little tingle, but i thought it was because he was a little aggressive on me, no we did not have sex, but we did everything else... but in the midst of everything out of no where he slipped it in, i instantly jumped away and said no, im not doing that...

 

so long story short, when i went home i was panicing thinking what if he caught it, i kept feeling more pain down there and it began burning when i peed, and i remember that night i had a cut on my lip from having chapped lips and woke up in pain the next day, and it looked like a cold sore, he transfered it to my mouth, thats how i know i was getting an outbreak, so now i was really worried, i went to the gyno and told me i have oral herpes now. like my life couldnt get any worse? now i have both and now this guy might possibly have got it from me.

 

i cried and cried.

 

and just an hour ago i get a text from him.. hey are you there? and those words right there just pretty much expressed he has something. i instantly felt sick to my stomach and my heart sank. ive never dealt with this before and dont know how to deal with it.

 

he said he went to the doctors and that it burned when he peed and that the doctor said it looked like chlamidia or gonorhea so he got medicine for that... but i know i dont have those, so im thinking to myself he has herpes, but he doesnt know because you need a separate test for herpes.

 

so my problem is, i dont know what to do from this point on, hes getting tested in a month if he does not get better, so if he does not feel better in 2/3 weeks i need to confront him and be honest, i just dont know how, im afraid of being judged.

 

im just a mess right now and besides myself.

 

:(

[Harlow]

Carlyyy, thank you for opening up and pouring your heart out. Just recently, I too feared that I may have transmitted herpes to a partner and I had no yet disclosed. I am very certain he has it but has not experienced symptoms yet since it just happened. I felt all the same things. Guilty, ashamed, and responsible. But it sounds to me like he is the one who pushed this on you and you did not instigate it at all. He had no right to just assume it would be okay to have sex without talking to you first. You are feeling guilty because you have a conscience. But I do not think you should beat yourself up. He made the decision to "slip it in" without your consent. He is responsible for his actions. You did the right thing by pushing him away. And if he did catch it, he is responsible for making those rash decisions.

 

Things got heated and mistakes were made. We're human and it happens. From the situation that you explained, I do not think you should blame yourself so much. You weren't like: hey I know I have herpes, but let's have unprotected sex anyways. So many people knowingly transmit herpes and they DON'T CARE. You care! Because you are a loving, good person.

 

I on the other hand, am to blame in my situation. And that is something I am dealing with to this day. But dreading the past and beating yourself up over mistakes over and over again will only cause more harm.

 

So let's say he does have herpes. OK. What's done is done now. You can confront him and be honest and deal with his reaction. (That is the moral and ethical thing to do). But you did not instigate the sex and purposely give him herpes. So please try to find it in you to forgive yourself. This will pass. And if he does have herpes, he will be one of millions that have it and he will be able to work through it.

 

I know this may not be the best way to look at it, but at least it wasn't HIV right? It's not a death sentence. He's not going to die. He may just have another bump in the road of life just like we do.

 

Carlyyy, please don't be so hard on yourself. Things got out of control but it is not a reflection on the person that you are. The fact that you even wrote about it, and are upset about this whole situation shows how caring you are.

 

Much love and support and a great big hug. If you ever want to chat please inbox me. I'm a 21 year old girl with HSV2 and I'm always here to listen.

[carlyyy03]

harlow, your comment really just made me feel 100000x better, so therefore i thank you! im feeling a bit down right now since i just got his text about 2 hours ago, i was a wreck so this definitely just helped made me feel better. all your words are so true, im just afraid of facing on how to tell him, like ive told my ex's i have herpes, and they didnt care but this, this whole talk i might have to have with him is completely different, in the sense of the fact that i have to confront him ive given it to him, and hes not even my boyfriend, its awkward and i dont want him to look at me as some "slut" but hes been texting me saying hes not mad and just asked me " so have you ever had anything" like i dont even know what to say to that, at this point i want to say no until i find out if he really has herpes, and if so obviously ill be straight forward and explain to him why i said no and why its such a touchy topic, i hope he understands that what happened to me was not in my own actions and hes well aware he did this to himself because he said sorry i was a bit pushy. but thank you for your advice it helped me if i were to ever have the talk with him, it means the world to me, just a few words like that, really does mean that much to me for something like this. and im always here as well! you and i are in the same boat, im 20, so i can relate with a lot you would have to say or ask for advice ! once again, thank you!

[lively]

You know Carly, you don't know that he has herpes, and if he does, you don't know that he got it from you. If he was sexually aggressive with you, you can bet he has been with other women. You don't know this guy well, stop blaming yourself! if he's got something from pressuring you, perhaps there's something for him to learn; and for you, practice saying NO if you don't want it. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but sounds like you didn't want the activity that wasn't actually intercourse; it was still sex. If he didn't ask you about sexual history and STDs he is as responsible as you are. Why do you even care what he thinks if he 's the kind of man who pressures women sexually? Consider working on your self esteem and self respect, you may find a more considerate man. As this virus often is, it's a wake up call to start learning to love yourself and stop giving men the power of your sexual choice. Stop putting yourself n situations where you are not able to stand up for yourself. Be kind to yourself!