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Scared and Confused and Questions!!


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Posted

Hi...

 

I recently have been tested positive for HSV 1 and 2 and this process has been extremely emotional and confusing and I just was wondering if anyone had any helpful advice for my story and questions...

 

I was a virgin until I was 23, when I was with my boyfriend at the time. I wasn't saving myself until marriage, but I just always thought that sex was something that should mean something and I wanted to wait until I trusted my partner, had strong feelings was in love, and that I felt 100% comfortable. My boyfriend at the time was amazing, he really worked toward breaking down my walls and was there for me through some good and bad times. I was completely in love and he was my first love. He had disclosed his health status and how many partners he had had before me way before our relationship became sexual. Early on in our relationship, before anything sexual had transpired, he found a rash on his genitals and went and got tested. He found out he was HSV-2 positive and was devastated and thought that we should break up so I would be safe. By this point in our relationship, I cared so much about him and was on the edge of being in love that I did not care. I told him I wasn't going anywhere and that this wasn't a deal breaker, we just need to be smart and safe whenever we do take things to a sexual level in our relationship. So we had worked through this and dealt with way more serious problems along the way. He was my first, and he always took the anti-virals, we always used barrier protection, and gave a wideeee berth of no-sexual activity for when he even began to feel like an outbreak was occurring until a sufficient amount of time had passed after everything cleared up. Both of us were very safe and conscientious. Fast forward now a year and after new jobs out of state and trying long distance, he ended things with me.

 

I have been single now a few months, and am much better and nothing had seemed out of the ordinary. I had my yearly OB-GYN appointment and decided that I wanted to get tested/screened for all STDS just so I could have all that officially in the clear now that I was no longer a virgin. I didn't think anything of it because I had researched the symptoms and signs of HSV-2 due to my ex's status, and I had never experienced anything like it. However, my test results came back as positive for both HSV-1 and HSV-2. I was completely devastated, because I felt like I did everything right to ensure my safety, and I took this risk for my partner, and now after only having this 1 sexual partner I am now "tainted". I also was crushed that I was the one who got hurt out of my last relationship, and that I took this risk for him and that he didn't appreciate it. Which I know is not fair, because then all people without HSV can use it as a guilt thing, but I was very emotional so I know my thought process was not 100% rational at the time. But i just kept thinking to myself, How can I, in good faith, convince someone else to take the risk to be with me sexually, if I had done the same thing and somehow managed to still get it. I know that even with all my precautions, nothing is 100% effective and that there was always some element of risk. I just also know that my birth control methods were less effective than the precautions taken against HSV, and yet I am not pregnant but am dealing with this. The most frustrating part is I never have had any symptoms whatsoever for neither 1 or 2, so it is hard for me to accept this when I don't even have the symptoms. the whole "seeing is believing" thing haha.

 

Scrolling through and reading through many of the posts here have been super helpful in keeping me from going to a dark place in my mind emotionally. Especially all of the disclosure success stories, and advice that some of the more frequent posters place (I am secretly hoping you will provide advice for me too). But there is one thing that I have seen come up that has me confused now. There is much debate over the accuracy of testing, which I cam across through some of these discussion boards. I work in science, so I have been reading all that I can so i can understand to the best of my ability what is going on with the tests and my body. While the culture tests seem to be accurate for like testing people when they have an outbreak, the IgM tests I've gathered should be avoided altogether because they don't really help, and the IgG tests are good for picking out which strain (1-2) and that it takes several weeks for antibodies to develop. I also have read that there is much debate over the accuracy of the IgG test under 3.5, and that results from 1.1-3.5 have been potentially false positives 50% of the time. When I was informed of my results, I was only told "positive", I wasn't told what kind of test they ran on my blood or the score. SO thanks to the discussion boards here, I contacted my doctor and I asked for a hard copy of the exact test that they ran, so I can be best informed. They ran an IgG type test, and my HSV-1 was actually NOT positive, but equivocal, at 1.002. This frustrated me that my doctor would just tell me it was positive when it actually was not positive but more undetermined. My HSV-2 was 1.53, which is considered a low positive and may potentially be a false positive based upon the literature in the field. Naturally, this has really made me wonder about my doctor, for not going over all these details when we spoke about the results, as well as question whether this low positive could potentially be a false positive, given that I have never had any symptoms and that I had not any sexual encounters for about 7-8 months before I got tested. This coupled with my doctor telling me I was HSV-1 positive when the results was different makes me really want to pursue some type of confirmatory testing so that I know what is going on. I do not want to have false hope, I know that I was with someone with HSV-2 so even though we took every single precaution to reduce risk that it could happen, but in light of all this information that I am learning, I am thinking of pursuing the Western Blot test? From what I have researched, that test seems to be the "buck stops here" of the HSV testing to know if you have it or not, and I feel like because I have doubt about the validity of the current test that I won't be able to fully accept this until I have some other type of test to confirm.

 

Do I sound crazy for thinking this way? I just feel very overwhelmed by everything, and while I have nothing against HSV-2 its impact on anyone's life physically is limited to an irritating rash, and its the social stigma that is the big fear, but if I were to go back in time to where I made the decision to be with my ex I would have made the same choice, my big fear is the stigma that people have and I already feel fragile and vulnerable from my breakup, and other impending medical issues I have (internal surgery! gah!) that in my mind, I am really hoping that this was a false positive because the universe can't be that against me at one time! any thoughts or advice is greatly appreciated....

Posted

Doesn't sound crazy at all ... glad that you managed to find the info on the rate of false positives and that you came here to ask about it. I would definitely pursue the Western Blot test. Perhaps you have *some* antibodies BECAUSE you were exposed to very small amounts of the virus that your body managed to fight off...or it could be some other proteins that are giving a confusing result. So yes, definitely take the Western Blot ... and send the following info to your Dr to get them up to date:

 

False positives: Dr Leone is one of the top Herpes specialists in the country ... his comment on this is about 2/3 of the way down the discussion: http://consults.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/08/27/getting-tested-for-herpes/?_r=0

 

U of W Western Blot http://depts.washington.edu/herpes/faq.php#faqCat-3

 

Western Blot testing info: You can become a phone patient of Dr. Lisa Taulbee at the Westover Heights Clinic,http://westoverheights.com/ (503) 226-6678 ... she can order the test for you through Quest Labs. It costs $5/minute for a consult … cheap IMO for clarity and/or peace of mind.

 

*IF* you are H+ ... this makes me a bit sad:

 

now after only having this 1 sexual partner I am now "tainted".

 

Uh - did you see YOUR partner as "tainted"? No. You loved him anyway. So *if* you have H, remember that, ok?

 

(((HUGS)))

Posted

Thank you WCSDancer! I have seen a lot of the posts you have made and advice you have given on here and a lot of what you have said and the other guy who comments a lot really helped me, and I am glad that I thought to challenge and examine what is happening instead of just blindly trusting what my doctor said. I mean, at the end of the day I know that there is a chance that I am H+, but I know that I would feel better being as certain as medical science can possibly be without there being symptoms, instead of this really confusing maybe/maybe not period I am in. I just would never want to unknowingly pass this on to whomever I date next and emotionally hurt someone I care about in the process. I also don't want to live in fear either and not let myself attempt to get close to someone. You are right, I am not "tainted" I guess I am just scared that the next guy I meet and start to care about won't be as understanding and open minded as I was when I was in that situation. But I guess the first step is to confirm what is going on with H, figure out definite yes or no, and then go from there. I'm trying not to imagine worst case scenarios for every possible outcome, but its really hard to turn my mind off that I could also infect every future partner I could have. This is probably not a rational thought process I know that, but it definitely comes up in my mind.

 

I definitely will pursue the WB test. I think no matter what the result, I would have more peace of mind just being able to feel certain that I understand what is going on with my body so I can make the best choices for myself and future partners. the information you gave is super helpful! I am very grateful.

Posted

The main thing that messes with my head is that if I am H+, Its just makes me upset because I wasn't engaging in risky sexual behavior, I took the time to make sure I was having sex for the right reasons with my partner, and took every single precaution to be safe and healthy, and it was my very first sexual partner. I just feel like there is still so much to know about sex alone that I have yet to understand, and I am scared that I my naivety along with H will just be another reason for someone to not want to take the time to think I am worth it. I'm sure some of my lingering feelings from my break-up are not helping with this, so I am trying to keep that in perspective as well.

Posted

I guess I am just scared that the next guy I meet and start to care about won't be as understanding and open minded as I was when I was in that situation.

 

Do you REALLY want to date that guy if he's not as open mined as you are? Because odds are that will show up in other areas ;)

 

Its just makes me upset because I wasn't engaging in risky sexual behavior, I took the time to make sure I was having sex for the right reasons with my partner, and took every single precaution to be safe and healthy, and it was my very first sexual partner.

 

You DID all that, you knowingly took a risk, and you MAY have lost the STD Lottery. But you know there is a 2% lifetime risk of dying in a car accident (and much higher risk of having a serious injury) yet you get in a car every day and don't worry about it. You take the usual precautions of making sure the car is in good running order and wear your seat belt and you get on with life.

 

Get a little reality check here:

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/driving-yourself-crazy/

 

 

Posted

I know, You are right I can't let this keep me from living, nor can I let all the risk stuff mess with my head. I took a risk and I have to take responsibility for that. I guess the first step is confirm what is going on, and until I get that confirmation just keep educating myself because no matter what the outcome, its good to be informed about this stuff to make good choices moving forward. I just have a lot of other stressors going on besides this that isn't helping with my mindset :( I just to to stay tough, things happen for a reason and its not the end of the world at the end of the day, its not a death sentence, H is just a skin condition that has a big social stigma that seems to slowly beginning to stem based on the little research I've done. Thinking about all tho is just a lot to process currently for sure so I am trying to deal. I just don't have anyone I feel comfortable/trust to talk to about this so your advice helps. I know that I am a awesome girl, and whether or not I have H will not change that. (i figure the more I cn keep saying that, the more I will trust in it lol) gah!

Posted

If you do find out it's positive... you kindly did your bit and gave him a chance; someone will return the favour - it's karma, and the scene is set.

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