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My herpes story so far (advice appreciated)

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Hi everyone, I am 21 years old and recently diagnosed with herpes at the end of October. Like everyone I'm sure here feels, I cannot believe this happened to me.. 2 months in I'm still in shock, in combination with all of the other stages of grief.


Physically, it hasn't been terrible so far. One initial herpes outbreak and one tiny sore a month or so later. I pray it is in dormancy from now on.


But emotionally, I have never felt pain like this before. I've never been promiscuous. I had a boyfriend for almost four years throughout college. He was my everything, everyone thought we were perfect for each other and so did I. He treated me amazingly (or so I thought), and even my family loved and respected him. A few months before we broke up, he started acting strange and picking fights. Then he broke up with me out of nowhere, over a seemingly small fight. I was devastated, we still talked, and then months later he admitted he cheated on me while we were together and that is why he was acting so weird. Now to make things worse, he has been in a relationship with the girl he cheated on me with for several months. Seeing them happy and carefree is absolute agony for me. I can't explain how heartbroken I am, and we broke up in March! I learned about the cheating in July, and we stopped all communication then.


After this trauma, I started dating a guy in August. I had a bad feeling about him in general, but ignored it because I was so desperate to move on too, and he gave my very, very bruised ego a little boost. We were casually dating for a couple months, and the week before I contracted it, I tried to end it with him. I had a feeling he was with other girls.. But he assured me he was not, and we continued our relationship.


A week later I came down with herpes.. He claims he has never had any symptoms. I am hesitant to believe him, but he did go visit the clinic the next day and sent me a picture of his arm after the blood test. However, come to find, the doctors did not even test him for herpes because he didn't have an outbreak....Um, okay. Since my diagnosis, he claimed he would always be there for me. He has been anything but there for me. In fact, he is now not even responding to me and acting like a complete asshole.


Anyway, I just need some help coping. I am so young that I can't believe I will have to live with this. Gone are any care-free twenties. I am fairly confident most days that I will find someone who can love me with this. But I don't feel like I will be comfortable enough to take the chance of transmitting it, unless I am going to be with that person forever. I guess I'll be getting married a little earlier than I had previous planned... And even when I find someone, I am worried it will change sex. I'm worried he will always hold back, and we won't be able to enjoy sex the same way as I was before. I am a very sexual person, and the fact that sex might always be different is really devastating.


I let the herpes diagnosis overshadow absolutely every other joy in my life. Herpes overshadows everything, and I don't know HOW to stop. I feel selfish and terrible feeling depression over something like this, when millions have something more devastating in their lives. But I can't seem to help it. I think I may need to seek some professional help. This diagnosis mixed with the cheating boyfriend I still can't get over, has sent me into a whirlwind emotionally. Being left and cheated on has really effected my self-esteem, and herpes has just destroyed it.


I've tried to change my thinking, I've tried to stop obsessing over it.. But it haunts me, even in my dreams. Thanks for anyone who reads this terribly long post.

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Oh honey..you aren't selfish at all! You are hurting from being betrayed twice and that takes time to heal from..and now with H...that takes a bit of adjusting and healing too. It really is new for you and it is totally normal to feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster.


You may have got H from your boyfriend, don't assume it was from the rebound guy. Has your ex boyfriend been tested? Have you told him..he needs to know too as he cheated on you. It is so wrong that they won't test if there are no symptoms!


H will change things in your life and at the moment it seems like in bad ways but it isn't all bad and there are ALWAYS gifts with challenges. You will be more discerning with men and trust your intuition more, you will meet amazing people (like the ones on here :0( ), you will be very aware of your body and health and eliminate things that don't serve you well in your life, you will spend time on you - developing yourself and following your dreams ( and H doesn't stop them - some of my best adventures have not involved sex so H means nothing in terms of having amazing things happen :-) ).


Yes sex changes, but that isn't a bad thing either... when I can't go all the way I get really creative and make it fun. It's just different.


I am not sugar coating this danielle...yeah it sucks and I still have sad time...still have episodes (yay have one right now :-) ). But dark thoughts about H don't consume me anymore. It is annoying and sometimes I wish I didn't have it...but if I don't have an episode or am thinking of disclosing to someone I don't think about it. I am too busy doing things I love and being with people I love..living!


I you are feeling really consumed by it get hold of Adrial and have a chat with him...I KNOW you will feel better. And message me anytime if you want to vent or ask questions. I have had H a year but I have also had HPV for 28 years...yeah I was cheated on...I know just how you feel. So I am sending a huge hug..it does get better. Be kind to yourself and find ways to love yourself.


Janice xxx

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Thanks so much for your kind words. I really love the vibe of this message board. I've visited a few since diagnosis, and while they seemed supportive, I couldn't escape the feeling of a negative energy there. So I appreciate all that you do. And to Adrial, thank you for your Youtube videos, which is how I discovered this board. It's very nice to put a face to the virus, and a cute one at that :)


It's strange what a total rollercoaster I am on emotionally. I seem to experience every single stage of grief, every single day.. I just know I can't let this have the power of my life and steal my joy. I'm just not sure how to get there. It's been pretty hard to control my negative thoughts because I have a lot of fear involved. Mostly fear about finding love and having as fulfilling of a relationship as I would have previously.


I am bummed I can't have my care-free twenties, and every relationship has to involve a stressful disclosure and fear of transmitting. But I'm trying to look at the bright side, and relationships have caused me so much pain even in my short life, that perhaps limiting the amount of guys I pursue isn't so bad for my emotional well-being in the long run.

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I know that feeling Danielle, I was diagnosed in mid October, my "care-free" twenties are over. There are some parts I would not change and then there are. My sexual behavior put me in the current situation and now I have to live with that. It is probably the hardest thing for me to grasp is that my actions resulted in it.


But you can still do just about everything else thats carefree, sex is just 1 thing that has to be taken more seriously, which in all honesty can be great. It's always better with someone you have a connection with. From here on out that is almost sure to happen with "the herpes talk". Keep your head up and use this board to vent/ask/do whatever. We all have different but similar stories and its helped me remember I bring a lot more to the table than a misunderstood skin disease. Inbox me if you need anything at all.

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I was diagnosed in April and I'm in my 30s. I understand how you feel, but look at it as a much healthier way to look at relationships. We can look at sex and/or relationships thinking that we're invincible and now we've all taken a huge hit to realize we aren't. I still get huge reality checks and outbreaks more than I feel I should. I won't lie to you, sex has changed for me. It is an adjustment, but find what healthy changes you can make that can still be fulfilling. That's what I'm trying to do too. We can all work on it together! Good luck!

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