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When should i have the herpes talk?

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I'm not new to having the talk....although I am new to this forum.


I'm sure we all have been rejected for our skin condition (which is basically what it is) I just have a hard time deciphering when it is too soon or not. I refuse to pass it along, so I tell all potential partners. I don't know if I should do it before any emotional attachment gets involved, or if I should let a little attachment get involved. Any advice is greatly appreciated

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Hi TL and welcome!


I think when you disclose is dependent upon the relationship. I disclosed right away when I felt things might "go there" rather quickly. But I think each situation should be weighed and measured on its own. There's no magic number of dates or interactions...I think you just feel your way there.


Maybe it is when both of you begin sharing more personal things. Let it be a part of natural conversation as intimacy grows. I would assume before you are sexual with someone you talk about sexual history, etc. If not, you definitely should, not just for his protection but for yours too! If you feel things heading that direction, bring it up. Adrial's e-book is really awesome and full of ideas on how to disclose.


I hear a lot of people say they feel like they are keeping a big secret, etc. but it isn't a secret...it's private until you choose to share it, and those are two different things. Everyone is entitled to privacy until they want to be known. You aren't doing anything wrong by waiting until you feel safe.


I hope that helps answer your question, and again...welcome. You are among friends.


warm hugs,


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  • 2 weeks later...

That is such great advice Kristin, just found the this thread...I appreciate it too Tauraslady - great you have joined us :-)!


I know when I am feeling low it feels like a big hurdle to overcome with disclosing and yet by experience it has been positive so far. I think it is more the loss of a fantasy that we can just fall into someones arms and not have to deal with the reality and the frank discussion of the state of our lady bits (and man bits :-) ). It just don't feel sexy /:) !


The day I was diagnosed i told my ex who I got it from (it was on the cards as I knew he was H+), the guy I was currently dating (I ended it as i couldn't deal with it and was scared I would give it to him - we are still best of friends). Then I told an old lover who came back into my life...and he accepts it totally. I met someone new and told him immediately as there was a strong attraction for both of us (turns out he had it too and was going to tell me). So four disclosures in about two weeks!


Now I have been on my own for just over a year...but two guys wanted to date me and I just wanted to be friends with them...so two more chances to practice disclosing (only... this sounds awful...I was able to let them down gently by telling them about H and that I couldn't deal with a sexual relationship - so we are still friends too and they have been wonderful).


I shared this because like Kristin says, every situation is different and there can be different reasons for disclosing. It's the hardest when the other person becomes important and you don't want to loose them. But if you don't tell them you aren't really 'with' them fully anyway...so its better to be authentic and speak your truth, when you feel comfortable and before you get intimate.


As for attachment? I tend to not want to get attached and fall hard so I would rather do it sooner than later...but maybe its better to let some attachment form. I honestly don't know...I think we each have to be intuitive and go with what feels right (its usually when I feel overwhelmed by not saying something - better to spit it out that sit on it!).


Let's know how your next one goes?! :-)


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Taurus Lady, yes, I echo everything that the wonderful lelani/Kristin duo said. ;) And have you downloaded the free e-book yet on disclosure? http://eepurl.com/b4IPP ... All things disclosure are discussed in there and here are a few blog posts on it, too.




Keep us updated!

Note: This is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis.
I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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  • 1 month later...

Thank you Adrial. and everyone else who has replied. I guess it just comes down to.....I can be ok with the fact that I have this all day long. Its not even on my mind, unless I meet someone, and then know that the "talk" will have to be done before too long....Its not that I am ashamed, and I sure as hell don't feel dirty....I guess it all comes down to rejection. the last two awesome guys that I felt INTENSE connections with.....they couldn't handle the 'what if I contract it" scenario. We are all still friends, but I only end up with a bruised ego, and a sad heart.

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Yes, I hear your sad heart loud and clear. I think what we tend to forget about with our focus so on herpes is that love in general is risky. Love is vulnerable. Putting our heart out there with herpes or not is vulnerable. And indeed life as a whole is vulnerable. We could die at any second. And with that knowledge, living feels that much sweeter. So in each moment are we choosing little deaths or aliveness? Finding love will require us to put our heart on the line. And there is always the possibility of our heart being bruised and hurt. And there is always the possibility of it being seen, accepted, held, and appreciated. Deeply appreciated. It's all a beautiful risk.

Note: This is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis.
I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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Hey I am glad you have a little smile tauruslady :-) Adrial is right (so love you :-) ) life is a risk and it is about choosing aliveness...the 'what if I contract it' of those guys is actually a 'I'm not sure about this anyway' and best have that out there earlier than later (believe me later is worse - at least H brings it out before you have gone way down the track and invested heaps into the relationship).


The rejections just make the times you feel accepted and appreciate sooooo much sweeter. Would you feel less rejected if they didn't like your teeth?(believe me it happens - my beautiful daughter had that said to her once!!!). Feeling rejected feels awful and H is only one reason it happens. I have just worked on being the best I can be and then I know that it if it is only a tiny virus that sends them running then H has done me a favour.


Keep smiling honey..there are guys out there who don't run, and they are worth the wait and kissing a few frogs for ;-). Bug hug. xx



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