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H is not alone, it comes along with...

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... destructive thinking. For me, this is the hardest part.


I find myself confined at home, unable to muster the courage to mingle.


I try to believe the lies I tell myself:

"I don't care if I never have a sexual relationship again"

"I'm just not attracted to anyone anymore"

"Maybe this is a blessing, to keep me from those losers anyway"

"I don't need to dress nice--what's the point?"

"If someone asks me out, I will just tell them I'm a lesbian"

"no one needs to know, I will take this secret to my grave"


I have lived with these negative thoughts too long!


So tonight I've decided it's time for changes!!


I am so overjoyed that this site exists, i have been reading other posts for inspiration.


It helps just to know that I am not alone, and together WE can learn and grow.


My story: (the short version) I contracted last fall while I was in a relationship (with a guy) while cheating on him (with a woman)

HE tested positive ..... then I ignored the other woman until she left me alone.


He and I broke up a few months later, then I finally got tested (positive of course) and I've been having a pity party ever since...... until now ;)

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So nice to see you stepping out from the shadows, time4changes. Welcome to our community. So glad to have you. No more pity party. Sounds like you're ready to take responsibility for this beautiful and meaningful life of yours. And I love that you're recognizing all of those thoughts as what they are: Fear-based illusions that are trying to hold you back from feeling potential rejection (which will probably never come).


By the way, I might consider talking to the woman you got herpes from. Not just to let her know something she might not know (80% of people who have herpes don't know they do), but to also have closure. I imagine there's some resentment that you're squashing inside. If that's the case, let it out. And find a way to forgive (for the good of both you and her).


And how did the relationship with the guy you have herpes to end? How does he feel about you cheating? What has he said to you about how he feels about you giving him herpes through being (by how you describe it) deceitful?

Note: This is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis.
I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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There's a reason I gave the "short" story... the whole thing was much deeper than that.

contracting H was only one of the many ugly sides of this story.... and I still don't know who got it first (but now that doesn't seem to matter anymore)


Me and my boyfriend were living together. He had a way of leaving for days, sometimes weeks without contacting me. I was certain that he had already found someone else. I confronted him, but that always caused a fight. So, I was upfront with him... I told him if he felt the need to leave me home alone ALL the time-- I would have my girl come over for some fun. I even introduced him to her in hopes of spicing things up in the bedroom. He wasn't interested in being there for me, or this little fantasy of mine.


He carried on leaving the way he did, and I continued having loong nights with this woman. The distance grew between him and I, but neither of us were ready to bring this to an end. A few weeks passed and he began having pain during urination. That's when I completely stopped all sexual contact with them both. I saw this as a red flag, so i took him to the dr. where he learned of prostate inflammation and Herpes. This was a shock to both of us, we both cried for days contemplating suicide and playing the blame game among ourselves. Soon after, we came to terms with it and decided we still have each other. (I ignored the woman) while him and I grew closer, things seemed better than ever.


I sat him down and showed him the positive pregnancy test. I was overjoyed that our relationship was stronger than ever, and now we are building a family together....but the look on his face struck me like a dagger. It was a grim look of rejection. He began to speak about how this baby would be in the way of his dreams, how herpes is going to affect the baby....and continued to give me every excuse in the book for why this was a bad idea. Days turned into weeks, as our love turned into hate, anger, rage, spite, and all types of turmoil. I decided at this point I must terminate my pregnancy, a decision that will forever haunt me. It seemed to be the only way out. After all, we are falling apart and I do not want to put my child at risk from the very beginning of life....so, on valentines day I went to the dr. with my best friend to take care of this business. Afterwards I went straight home, had a huge fight with my boyfriend and kicked him out. There I was with my best friend, confiding in her with all the things that broke my heart in this relationship.


As a side note--I recall a day, after finding out about H (before I got pregnant) that he suggested having my best friend as our sexual playmate. He continued to justify this idea by saying "she won't be at risk, she already has it"....... I knew this to be true, because in the year that I'd known her--she's had constant outbreaks on her face that she complains about all the time. So, I close with....maybe he was cheating with her all along.

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now that I've told the long version, I will answer your questions.


It seems impossible to think that I might someday have that talk with my female partner. Especially since we have the same circle of friends. I'm afraid that if she doesn't have it, she will tell everyone that I do.


As you can see my relationship with the man I once loved ended pretty ugly. He actually contacted me a few months afterward bragging that he had been tested 4 times since and was HSV negative (go figure) I simply said I hate you, and haven't spoke to him since.


And as I said he was cheating as well, so nobody really knows where it came from. We went back and forth blaming ex lovers, guests that had been in our home, family members. I mean just running in circles looking for clues....I know now that none of that matters.


I never confronted my best friend about whether or not she had something behind the scenes with him...and we are still friends--maybe not as close.



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