HSV1 and 2

[skroy]

My backstory. I'm a 47 year old, single mother and successful. I haven't admitted my diagnoses to anyone because of the stigma, the stigma I feel about myself. I've always had cold sores and then had a very small OB about 8 months ago. I'm not sure if I got it from a b/f who neglected to tell me he had herpes til after we slept together because I didn't have an OB til about 2 months later. I guess it doesn't really matter where it came from only that it's here to stay. I haven't dated in all that time because I didn't want to have the 'talk' with anyone about this. Well I've met an amazing man. I wasn't really looking because I'm still not ready for the talk or the rejection or judgement. We haven't been intimate yet however we are so connected emotionally and talk about everything, except the big 'H'. He said he could accept anything...I've made a note of that because I'm not sure he was thinking about accepting herpes in that 'big basket' of acceptance. I've had a million thoughts. Maybe I wouldn't tell him, or maybe I would only tell him I've got the 'good' kind then if he gets it do an "OMG" thing. That's just wrong, I know. I do care for him and will not make decisions like this for him. I'll do the right thing, just not sure when, or how. Now for some feelings, hate this part, I feel dirty, unwanted, unlovable, alone, scared, damaged, unworthy of someone to accept this, hurt, confused. I've kept this locked away so I didn't have to deal with it and now, here he is holding up the mirror in so many ways making me face this and every other fear I have. Fight or flight. Flight sounds easier.

[Carlos]

dear Skroy--my love--we ain't got wings so forget 'flight'. Most importantly, what you're feeling is justified... Yes, having herpes feels like sh!t. But feelings are vaporous; notice how one day you're feeling this, the next, that. Right now, this new man in your life has come with a message. What that message is, that's for you to discover. All I can offer you at this time, as a 41 y/o gay man with a serious NYC attitude, is this:

 

YOU ARE NOT--AND COULD NEVER BE--dirty, unwanted, unlovable, alone, damaged, unworthy.

 

If everyone who has acquired the HSV virus--be it genital, labialis and what not--came out and got together for a party, we'd need several football stadiums and then some! So I just debunked the 'alone' myth.

 

Adrial wrote a book on 'disclosure'. You can downloaded for FREE here:

 

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

It's back-to-back wisdom; don't waste another precious moment belittling yourself... educate yourself. You've earned it; you are valuable and have a place in the world like everyone else.

 

As time goes on, you will become freer from stigma: mostly, it generates within us. Like a story you've written--with you in the leading role--HERPES reminds us that we have done something sinful and we're now paying the price. But all you did was have sex; and the partner who passed the virus to you is most likely unaware he's a carrier. That is true in most cases, for many people with HSV are asymptomatic. Yet the HERPES story goes on to assert that sex is a dirty deed. IT IS NOT. SEX IS GOOD. HSV is just a skin condition that happens to be contagious. If it wasn't sexually transmitted, would HSV carry the stigma? NO. It wouldn't even be considered an STI... So the source of our shame is in how we define sex, it's in how we label it, sinful.

 

Welcome to the forum! I recommend you read other people's posts; you'll be surprised how normal this experience is... and how manageable.

 

You're going to be okay; in spite of the fear, you're going to be all right ;)

 

Best regards,

CARLOS

[cbk_always_honest]

I would add more to what Carlos has to say, but I'm not sure there's much more that could be said (well done). Something that has been helpful to me is getting back into all the things I enjoy maybe going further into them. For example if there's an activity you like find a local group that organizes events around that activity. It helps to remember that there is more to you than a skin condition.

 

Welcome to the forum.

 

:) CBK

[lelani]

Skroy honey....Carlos is the man ;-) He has a way of speaking the truth so beautifully so all I can say is ditto. And you don't have to fly or fight...just surrender and know that when you tell him whatever happens will be the right thing for you. If he runs he will run with other heavy stuff that comes up and you may as well find out now. If he stays and accepts this part of you he is a keeper and worthy of you...

 

And you are not dirty, unwanted, unlovable, alone, damaged or unworthy. They are just things you tell yourself...and we all go through that. I have told myself the same and I also understand the fear of disclosing. I have had good experiences but I still feel nervous...but we wouldn't feel any more nervous if we had psoriasis, burn scars...even cellulite - anything we would feel ashamed of and could cover so no one can see. Getting close to someone means they will see...and we want to be accepted despite our flaws.

 

He's already said he can accept anything...yeah it's a big call but maybe he has a big heart and that is why he is so amazing?? In you telling him about H it is his chance to live up to what he says...then you will know you have a man of integrity :-). An you know you have to tell him for you own...you can do it and it can bring you closer together. :-) x