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FLNewH

I Finally Get It

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So, I'll be honest. I've read and watched the videos about how having the discussion with your partner (whether long term or not) about being H+ can actually bring two people closer together. And, my thought on this was that it was BS. I couldn't even imagine how saying "Hey babe. Let's chat about herpes" could make me feel closer to someone. Until this weekend. I've been hanging with a friend, he knows I'm H+. The friendship took a turn this past week and we slept together. We had a discussion about it, he asked a bunch of questions and I did my best to answer them. He told me I wasn't gross or disgusting. He had no problem doing all the wonderful things to me that I thought no man would ever want to do to me again. I gotta tell you, I get it now. I wanted to cry when he actually apologized to ME for asking questions. What? I won't get into the mushiness I felt inside because of that. But, I get it. If it's the right person, if they take the time, if they are doing it because they care about you, it can feel so good to talk about it. Even if he decides he can't deal with being with an H+ person and wants to call it quits, I feel like I've made it passed a hurdle. Don't get me wrong. I'm still pissed as hell that I have to deal with this bullshit. But, ya know, baby steps.

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:) I love it when a belief that used to block you from the love you truly want gets dashed to pieces. Here's to living more open and free of self-limiting beliefs! You deserve all those beautiful things that are coming your way. And hey, EVERY human being has to deal with bullshit in their lives. Welcome to being human. :) And you learning about how to be fulfilled despite whatever bullshit shows up is a powerful life muscle to strengthen. If it wasn't herpes, it'd be something else, I promise you. At least now you're realizing that it doesn't have to hold you back as much as you once thought it would. Way to grab onto the opportunity, sista! ;)


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Beautiful friend!!!!

 

I know it's hard to believe that Herpes is a wonderful Wingman ... but it is. It shows you the true nature of the person you are with.... and their true intent.

 

Congratulations! I'd say this was more than a baby step - it was a giant leap for @FLNewH :)

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Thank you both. To be honest, it was because of the two of you that I was able to even mention herpes to him about a month or so ago while catching up one evening over beers. And I was in shock that he even was interested in me (i've had a crush on him for about a year), especially after finding out about it.

 

Now of course I am scared as hell that he will decide this isn't for him. He's told me he is a germaphobe, but that he doesn't feel that way about me. He's told me that I'm worth it, that any man should be proud to have me on his arm. But I am really scared that he's going to read up on this and not want to be with me anymore. Not that we are "together" at the moment, but I feel it's going in the right direction and that, with him, it could be something great. I've given him this site as a resource. He's apologized for not reading up on it sooner (which I told him he does NOT need to apologize for). I've just told him he needs to know as much as he can so he can feel comfortable and safe. I don't know where the relationship is going, it's still very new and there are some things he needs to deal with in his own life still. But, I'm just hoping he decides he can deal with this.

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So my friend... STOP!

 

Or at least, stake a deep breath ... because if you were not afraid that he would walk about herpes, it would be something else ... we all tend to get into cray-thinkin when we go into a relationship ... as soon as our heart starts to open, it's very easy to start seeing everything that could go wrong and cause your heart to be crushed.

 

Odds are, your honesty and vulnerability with him about your H friend is what caused him to become attracted to you..... so though he may not know much about it, he TRUSTS you because YOU entrusted HIM with something that personal ... and THAT, friend, is what makes for a deep and meaningful relationship ;)

 

So just go out and enjoy being with him ... and tell that busy brain of yours to take a vacation :)

 

(((HUGS)))

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I'm so proud of you. And so glad that we were able to help you on your path. Warms my heart. Ahhh. :)

 

"Now of course I am scared as hell that he will decide this isn't for him."

 

You're now in the phase that unfortunately happens to so many. :) Directly after a success and the closeness/intimacy/acceptance you've always been looking for, the paranoia creeps back in. Do you recognize this as the same paranoia, the same thought pattern as before? The same exact thought pattern that said you weren't enough to be accepted before the herpes talk is the same thought pattern that will continue unless you recognize it for what it is ... Simply fear. And fear blocks love. It's pervasive if you don't develop awareness around it. It might seem like a different worry, but it's the same one ... Fears that you're not enough. That you're not lovable. What will it take for you to prove to yourself that you deserve all these things you want? You get to determine that. You.

 

Allow yourself to enjoy your connection with this man now. In the moment. Your worst fears may happen or they may not. He may decide yes or no. He may die tomorrow. You may die tomorrow. But worrying about all of those potentialities is ruining your experience of bliss. Right. Now. All you have is right now!

 

I have a question for you: Did all that worrying you did beforehand help you achieve this success? Nope. What helped you achieve this was the courage you had, the courage to share your heart and be vulnerable. Focus on that and you will be allowing in the bliss you both want and deserve.

 

Big hugs to you and your budding relationship. (Both with this man and yourself.) ;)


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Hey FLNewH, just wanted to say congrats, and you deserve this, so as Dancer and Adrial said, please don't allow the fear of the unknown, the what ifs to creep in and steel the happiness, love and joy that you are so entitled to. I know where you are coming from, and likely so do a lot of people on this forum... it's scary opening yourself up, putting your heart on the line and being completely vulnerable... but if we always hide behind tough exteriors, if we never take down the walls, if we never let people see our imperfections, then we are never really giving ourselves the opportunity to authentically and deeply love and be loved. Also, remember that this man has taken down his barriers too, and opened up to you as much as you have to him... let him, and believe him when he says you are worth it... soak it all in, and enjoy every single moment for whatever it brings... nobody knows what's ahead, and it's irrelevant anyways... let it happen, enjoy as it comes, you are worthy of this experience, of greatness and love. I hope to tell a similar story one day, thank you for sharing your joy. All the best to you both. :)

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This story gave me a warm feeling in my heart as well!! Thank you for sharing! All the best in the future... I hope one day I will have a story like this to share :)

 

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thank you so so much for posting this. I needed it. Best wishes to you! So happy for this FORTUNATE turn of events :)

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To chime in, I would say just relax as well. You let your partner know and now that's it. You explained everything and gave all the information you could. Anything after this is how it will be no matter what. After my very recent and first disclosure to a partner, I really have not given it much thought. Stay strong and I am sure that it will all work out. If your partner uses this as an excuse to leave after you have been together for a while, then it is nothing but an easy scapegoat for them and if not for this it would have been something else. So sit back and search for happiness instead of misery. Life is better that way.

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damn girl, now im really wishing we had had that drink!!!

 

lol, im happy for you, good going. and if it doesn't work then its his loss. your a good person and worthy of love.

 

tell him to be careful where he looks for info, google is not our friend in this, esp google images, yikes!!.

 

good luck, im rooting for you.

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Thank you all so much. You all are right, I need to live in the present and enjoy the time and connection with this man now. He's a good man - I wonder why I ever got so upset over the idiots I dated in the past. But, you know how it gets, if it wasn't herpes making me doubt, then it would be something else I'm sure :-P Just how my brain works. The cynical side of me is like, something is going good, soooo what is going to happen that will mess it up? However, I am working on that :-) I think the thing that worries me the most is me transmitting this to him. I know we are taking every precaution - but in the back of my mind I still worry. I haven't had a breakout since the first one in the beginning of Oct. I'm taking my antivirals every day, have no symptoms and we use a condom. Plus he is educated on the basics and we have open communication about it. If a question pops up in his head, he just says "hey - what about this?". I've also told him that, being with me with this being so new, there may be times when I tell him we can't be intimate. Could be b/c of a breakout, could be because I just don't "feel right". And he said he is ok with that too. So, I know he isn't scared about it and that we are taking every precaution we can. It's just a nagging feeling that I'm sure every H+ person has at some point with their H- partners. But, with that said, I am going to push the nagging feelings and worries aside and just go with it and enjoy the time with him. What I need to remind myself about every time I get those feelings is that he knew about my status a good month+ ago when we were just friends, when there was no intimacy in our relationship at all. And that he chose to be with me in that way anyway.

 

 

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So here is what I tell people who are stuck on the worry about transmitting:

 

Of course we don't want to pass this on. Any "good" person would never want to hurt another knowingly or otherwise. But life assumes risk. If you REALLY don't want to hurt him EVER, don't:

 

Let him be a passenger in your car (you might have an accident and he could be hurt)

Let him borrow your car (You may not know your brakes are failing, etc)

Cook him food (food poisoning/allergic reactions/choking)

Let him love you (you MAY find you don't reciprocate his love one day and hurt him)

etc etc etc

 

Can you see? This is just a drop in the bucket of ways that we might "hurt" someone we love, even if we take every precaution under the sun to make sure they are safe (with the car, doing regular maintenance, wearing seat belts, having air bags, being a careful driver, etc) and things may STILL go wrong.

 

Don't want to hurt someone? Become a hermit. Otherwise, realize we are all imperfect. Realize shit happens. Realize that life is about living in the moment and accepting what comes. Realize that this man loves you and he already GETS all of this ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

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You are so right Dancer. Everything is really a risk. I know it's just a worry I have, but I'm not really letting it consume me. I've done all I can to educate him and let him know there is always open communication - and that is really all I can do. Sooooo, with that, I need to go freshen up the hair and makeup some since he is coming by in a bit and we are going to bake cookies :-)

 

Thank you everyone for the words of advice :-) It also warms my heart a bit to know that my own post helped someone else in their day :-)

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