Herpes Disclosure Day tomorrow......moral support and information appreciated

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Met a great guy last week. He has been very open about his past and told me things that, quite frankly, I am not sure I'd have the courage to tell, and did in such a wonderful way. So, we are on to date #3. It's obvious that we both like each other and I feel that since he's been so open with me, it's time I give him the same courtesy. This is the only time herpes is a big deal. Ugh. What sort of information do you give to a new partner? Are there sites you recommend they look at? I have the one by the Westover Heights clinic. I will be glad when I know how this all works out. :) Wish me luck! So far I am zero for however many times I've had this talk in the last year. I am hoping this is the exception. Any advice or resources would be most welcome in the meantime.

[lelani]

I'll be with you in spirit :-)!!!!!! Seeing he has told you about some history that obviously may have contained a deal breaker for some, you are in a good space to share now too.

 

I haven't used any sites to recommend to anyone I disclosed to...just told them what I know, so can't help you there sorry. I know you are going to do just fine and I have a feeling it will work out perfectly :-). Good luck with the great guy! xx

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Thanks lelani. And yes, he has told me things about himself that could have been dealbreakers for sure. Which is why I can't wait much longer to tell him since he has been so open and honest and risked so early in the relationship. As you say, since he's done that, hopefully it will bode well for me. I will let you know how it goes! *fingers crossed*

[lelani]

got my toes crossed too ;-) x

[WhoopsiDaysi]

LOL You are awesome! Thanks so much!! xo

[sugarplumfairy]

You might also want to listen to the savage love podcast #195. Dan savage interviews a director from planned parenthood and they pick apart hsv pretty well and in a casual almost light hearted way. It calmed me down quite a bit and its how I learned about the westover heights clinic. The two books that have come out of there have been my godsend to me since this anvil was dropped on me. I wish you the best of luck with this guy. Fingers crossed and hugs from a stranger!

[mr_hopp]

That is a great podcast, sugarplumfairy! Here's my blog post on it with the audio embedded if anyone wants to check out its awesomeness:

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-is-not-a-big-deal-dan-savage-love/

[cbk_always_honest]

Find ways to relax, and don't place too much pressure on any one meeting or disclosure. What helped me was gathering my thoughts on one paper, then find positive words to replace any that seem negative. I also didn't prepare a whole speech, just key points I can elaborate on. That way I don't get nervous about losing my place and it feels more more a flowing conversation.

 

Lastly.... Be confident... Perhaps that goes without saying, but be confident not just in your understanding of the condition, but in your value as an individual. You are special, unique, and deserving of everything you want.

 

:) CBK

[sugarplumfairy]

Thanks for posting that link adrial! I think it's something everyone, whether hsv+ or not should listen to. It helped me out so much.

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Thanks so much for the link. I listened to it and feel SO much better. I would be lying if I said I am not still a bit nervous, but listening to that podcast really helped calm my fears and has helped me work out a more relaxed way to talk about this tonight.

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Thanks CBK! Great advice on figuring out what to say. I may try writing things down and reframing in more positive language. All this fuss for a silly common virus. Honestly.

[sugarplumfairy]

So glad the podcast helped :) I listen to it sometimes when I'm having a bad day or down about my situation. I agree completely with everything cbk mentioned. Stay strong, stay calm, stay focused. You got this! Hoping the best for you!!!

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Thanks!! It was a great podcast. I will definitely listen to it again and again. I should see if I can download it and listen to it on the way!! LOL I'll let you know how it goes!

 

I am on eHarmony and I decided to try something new. You get to ask questions back and forth and when we got to the part where we could ask our own questions, I asked one of the guys if there were any dealbreakers and I listed things like smoking, drinking, having MS, small children, herpes, being overweight, etc. I figured hey, if herpes freaked him out, he'd jump all over it. His answer was that we all had stuff but it is when they are not disclosed that there is an issue. When I emailed him I told him I have a skin condition and if we decided to meet, we'd have to talk about it. I was sure I wouldn't hear from him but he wrote me back and wasn't even phased. Interesting.... :) We still haven't set a date, but I found that sort of straight up approach rather freeing. We shall see.

 

Anyway, time to get ready for "The Date". Thanks again everyone!!

 

Brenda

[AshleyS]

Good luck ! I'm also disclosing, in an hour or so (when he gets off work and we go out) ! It's scary and quite frankly, I want to just run, but It's been a while and I think it's time . You're on date #3, I'm 10 months in ... I wanted to wait to open up about it until I knew for sure that I was okay with it myself . I feel it's the right time, me and the guy can finally take the next step if it goes well !

 

Thoughts are with you and good luck, even though you won't need it ! :)

[WhoopsiDaysi]

I am back. Disclosure done. I tried to ease into it and then I just decided to rip the bandaid off and just say it - I have herpes. He was surprised. They all are. The same look for all of them. LOL He was very gracious and asked lots of questions and said he would be talking to his doctor about this. I gave him as much information as I could and told him he needed to go away and think about it. I said if he decided it wasn't for him, not to feel bad. I explained that really the only time it's a big deal was in that moment of having to tell someone. The rest of the time it's just something that is and I also explained how it was a blessing in my life. Now that I have seen him again, not sure he's "the One" but it was good to practice it and realize that I am making progress in how I feel about myself when I tell people. I am feeling a lot more positive and not in judgment of myself like I used to be.

 

Thanks SO much for your encouragement and the resources. I also explained what an amazing group of support I have here and how I am SO excited to be going to the seminar in less than two weeks! :)

 

How did things go for you CAS? I hope it went really, really well!! :)

 

Brenda xo

[sugarplumfairy]

May the force be with you ;)

[cbk_always_honest]

That's great news about the disclosure Brenda. Well done, and an excellent outlook on it from a positive standpoint. Even if he is not the one you've had this opportunity to practice, and if nothing else educate someone about this condition. It isn't the monster we can make it out to be.

 

I had also not thought of it as you put it, "the only time it's a big deal was in that moment of having to tell someone." Pointing that out is huge, and I think makes light of the fact that the only reason anyone cares about this at all is the stigma we place in our own minds about how we think others might view us.

 

Thank you for sharing your experience.

 

:) CBK

[lelani]

See...perfect ;-)! Love the bandaid rip off - I tend to do the same lol. Interesting that meeting him again you are aware there isn't a strong enough connection - that's when I actually think H is helpful in sorting it out. If we didn't have it there is the tendency to jump in without full awareness...so yeah it is a blessing!

 

And Brenda I think you are pretty amazing Z:-) xx

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Thanks so much! :) And you know, you're right. This herpes thing really is a blessing because it really forces me to examine a relationship where I never used to before. I'd jump in heart first and about two weeks into it my head would catch up and realize I had "done it again" and then had to do clean up work. H really does slow things down and make one examine relationships. It is also a good test for the future of a relationship. If they can't handle a cold sore, what about the bigger issues in life?

 

Thanks my dears. You all rock! I am SO lucky to have all of you in my corner. Without the H Opportunity and you, I would be doing this alone. :) Love you all!

 

Brenda xxo

[WhoopsiDaysi]

So, eHarmony guy who I told I have a skin condition we need to discuss if we meet are meeting for a drink tomorrow. It was a total experiment that I never expected to go anywhere. I honestly thought I'd never hear from him again but I was so tired of stressing about it and decided to say to heck with it and just throw it out there and let the chips fall where they may. Who knew! I guess we'll go on the date and see what happens! Once he hears the "h" word, it may not work out any better than before, but hey, it's worth a try and see where this experiment takes me. May as well have fun with it, right? :)

 

Brenda

[Atlantic]

Brenda, I am also on EH and am very curious about this experiment. I may implement it too. I am possibly going to be disclosing to a fellow I met from EH last week (we've met once after some long phone convos, have hit it off but are quite long distance). He lives near my hometown and I met him over the holidays when I was visiting family. I am still not sure if I am going to be getting to the point of disclosure with him because so far we have just been texting but haven't scheduled a follow up visit or anything. I am inviting input about how that disclosure should go, since I don't want to leave it until we see each other in person again.

[WhoopsiDaysi]

I am meeting with "Experiment Boy" right now. I'll let you know how it goes. I reached the point of no return and figured I'd try something new. I'll let you know if it's successful or not. It's hard to know when to disclose. I don't like waiting too long myself because it like it to be out there so I know we are moving forward for sure. Or not. Whatever the case may be.

[Atlantic]

WD, is there an update? How did it go?

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Experiment Boy and I had a nice visit but there was no sparks for either of us so there was no point telling him anything about the gift. Oh well, it was a good experiment. Some days I just want to stand on a hill and yell "I HAVE HERPES!!!!" and just get it out there. I am so tired of the stress that goes with talking about something so common. No one stresses to tell someone they have coldsores or they had chicken pox as a kid. It was rather ironic in that Experiment Boy told me about getting shingles from stress. Ahhhhh!! Didn't have to build up to it, apologize, explain, nothing. Just boom - I had shingles. One day I hope to have that same sort of casual conversation about the gift.

[Atlantic]

Thanks for sharing WD. I feel ya... I am dating on EH (in addition to on two H sites, PS and MpwH), so far I have had several EH dates but no reason for disclosure as of yet. One who I really thought it might get there with, but now he's not being so communicative... oh well, it would have been super long distance anyway. The others have been "mEH" dates at best, the H bomb has not been necessary :-/

It's all about the stigma. I am a fit, successful, reasonably attractive woman and I find myself really discombobulated about this situation.

 

Oh, by the way, just since you're on EH.... I just remembered something from one of those questions on EH, the question was "whether you would date someone with an STD." I, of course, answer "depends on which one." One of my "matches" answered "no; and wrote in that "you really should get that taken care of before you start dating," Shocking ignorance about basic factual info. This is evidence of the widespread confusion and ignorance that is out there amongst the civilian dating population.

 

I'll be going to the shelter tomorrow to adopt several more dogs, who needs dating (j/k). Call me the "crazy spinster dog lady"...