Tonight's the Night: Herpes talk with my friend

[diversity]

My body musters a yawn as a light haze glazes over my eyes for a split second. After looking at my computer screen for a few moments, I close my eyes recollecting tonight's events. The tenderness of raw ahi on rice is something I could enjoy for every meal the rest of my life. As I bit into my nigiri sushi, I felt a worry wash over my heart. "Tonight's the night," Dexter from my favorite tv show would say. Tonight was the night for me to finally tell one of my closest friends, my journey with herpes. I remembered pondering with every chew if she would still see me, for me.

 

My mind preconceived that to her, I would be dirty. Aye! We just shared something at a resturant the other night...maybe I should hold off. Have you ever heard people talk about the news, how there was an accident where something horrible happened? Have you ever thought about what it would feel like to see that horrible thing vs. just hearing it on the news? That's how I compared my preconceived reaction of hers. She heard about STD's and how it's horrible, but God forbid someone she knows has STDs. I shrugged my shoulders and let out a sigh. I could tell that she knew something was up with me as my mind went way too fast thinking of way too many things.

 

After great sushi, we drove to my place. It was kind of perfect being that she had to pick up something from my house. I definitely didn't want to get my herpes talk on with people eating. We sat down and bullshitted a little bit before I told her that I had a story. She looked at me with a wide-eyed stare as she muttered, "Ok." Maybe I didn't say it all that warmly? I couldn't help but chuckle and look down like a shy teenager who was about to ask someone out for the first time. I looked up at her and said, "Where do I begin?"

 

My eyes drifted to these beautiful icicle lights dangling in my window, they gave my room such a warm feeling. I smiled and began where it all began, 2 and a half years ago. I found myself narrating my life with such gusto, using my hands as if I were in some conference room. I felt no shame. This entire time I thought that I was going to feel such shame and that was not even close to what I felt. I felt inspired, strong, and confident. Awesome, I thought with a smile on my face before wrapping up.

 

It honestly was the most rewarding conversation I had ever had disclosing my status to a friend. She is the last of my close friends I live near who I disclosed herpes to. All the right people know about this dark hour of my life that turned out to be a beautiful thing. Soon, the world will know.

[lelani]

Love it Love it Love it!!!!! This was the coolest thing ever to read diversity....I felt like I was right there with you - you write soooo beautifully:x!

 

I am so glad you felt brave enough to talk about it and even more glad at how empowered you felt. H has a way of deepening connections with others, but more importantly with ourselves. You came to know yourself at a whole different level - and feel good about it.

 

There is no shame and YOU are awesome :-)!!!!

[mr_hopp]

Beautiful. You illustrate so eloquently exactly what so many people can't get past: Our own internal dialogue that tries to convince us to keep this all hush hush. When we actually allow ourselves to be vulnerable with people we feel we can trust, a magical thing happens: We are whole-heartedly accepted and still loved. Perhaps more than ever because we are sharing more of ourselves with someone who wants to know us on a deeper level anyway. You know how when a friend confides in you about something, how you feel? To me, it's an honor when someone I care about shares something difficult with me. I feel let into their heart. It's no different here. It's less about them judging us about having an STD and more about showing ourselves more to people who want to know us.

[cbk_always_honest]

I'm happy that it turned out good. And I agree with Adrial and Lelani, you are an excellent writer, I am jealous. I wish I shared your talent for writing, would have made those college English courses easier, lol.

 

There is no shame in who we are, it is only in our internal perception of what we think others see. Your display of courage is one we can all take strength from. Great post!

 

:) CBK