having such a hard time and new to herpes

[Kasbean1818]

I just started dating this guy about 7 weeks ago and things were going great. We got intimate pretty quick we had sex once and we wwere fine then New Years eve and new years day we were intimate a few times and the day after I was sore I thought it was just from rough sex then it got worse and worse it was to the point I was crying just to pee the blisters were noticeable, I felt so achy and my gland in my groin were swollen! I just knew something wasn't right!and I freaked out and instantly started googling! When I saw the pictures of herpies I instantly panicked! I instantly got light headed and just cried! I instantly made an appointment with planned parenthood! She said it was most likely herpies and it was very clear i had just been infected in the last 2 to 20 days because of how bad my outbreak was that this was the initial outbreak! I have yet to get my result from my swabs but I am almost positive you can't deny what it is! I have yet to say anything to the guy Im talking to about it I have tried hinting just to see if he would say anything but I truly think he doesn't know he has anything! But I just am so angry hurt and heart broken that I can't even find the words to say to him! I'm terrified he is going to try and turn the tables on me and I don't know if I could even deal with that! So I'm just going through this excrutiating pain and emotional pain by myself! I feel like no one will ever want me again! I'm 23!!! I want a husband and babies! I'm at the point I just don't want to get out of bed I don't want to talk to anyone I just want to cry!

[Aliveandwell]

Hello there. I'm sorry to hear you got some news you were not expecting. I want you to know that you are NOT going through this alone. There are

Millions of people in the world with the same health condition. There are plenty of great people on this forum that will help support you and give you advice along the way. Keep your chin up your primary Should be cleared up soon and your recurring OB's in theory will be less intense. You'll be ok there are plenty of nice guys out there who will want you for you. There are plenty of people with herpes that have families full of beautiful healthy babies. Hang in there girl.

[ihaveittoo]

Hello @Kasbean1818,

 

I have had herpes almost 28 years, I turn 48 next month. Life goes on. You have come to the right place. Read the success stories. Read the ebook and handouts. Educate yourself. The good news is you can still have that husband and babies. You've hit a bump in the road. Things will be fine. My wife is also H+ and we have two daughters. Herpes didn't stop that. The oldest was born naturally. The youngest was born by C-section for reason not related to herpes. What you are feeling now is normal. Everone here has been thru it, or are going thru it. @Aliveandwell is right, you are not going thru this alone. If a support group is in your area consider going to a meeting. Going to one was a huge help for me. Others will be along soon. Hang in there. Don't be afraid to ask questions if you have any. You are surrounded by some great people here.

[forgivenessandpeace]

@Kasbean1818 I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this physical and emotional pain all by yourself. I'd suggest you send your partner right away to be tested. It's possible he is asymptomatic and shedding virus. Maybe he doesn't know he is h+.

 

Of course you're angry and hurt and in pain and shock! All the more reasons to focus energy on how best to take care of yourself right now. Have you gotten your test results back yet?

[vanessayee]

Hello Kasbeen1818, your story sounds quite familiar to mine though I was diagnosed right on Remembrance Day which is Ironic because when that day comes and the rest of the world is mourning, I too have reason to mourn. I was just 24 and I as well had an extreme reaction 1 week after sex with a guy I was seeing for months monogamously.

 

A nurse told me that if you have an extreme reaction a few days after then it is most likely that you got it from that last person you slept with and that your body was not exposed to the virus before so your body is having a strong reaction now and that the incubation period is about 7-10 days for a reaction to occur. So I too knew it was him that I got it from, some ppl may have it appear years later but will only have a smaller breakout.

 

Unfortunately while I made sure we got tested before no condoms that night, I didn't know that they didn't test for Herpes and I didn't know that it's not included in the standard sti tests even unless you ask for it. Good thing he didn't turn the tables on me, instead he cried when I told him he gave it to me and he said he did not know and he was asymptomatic as well, so this virus likes to hide. He was only my 4th sexual partner I had when I got it and the first one I didn't use a condom with, so it was even more clear who I had got it from.

 

It will be hard to pee and sleep with during this time of the first outbreak which might take 3 weeks to completely heal over. During those first hard days I got my hands on Acycolvir medication which gave me more peace of mind (taken 3 times a day) and the outbreaks started to go down as well. Even though my area was still raw from the first outbreak, believe it or not I still went to work when I had to! So if I can make it through, you can too!

 

The first year will be the hardest as I had frequent outbreaks still, but I wasn't on meds so it might have been less if I was taking something to help the first year go by. I know exactly how you feel about not wanting to talk to anyone initially so that's when turning to online forums like this is great. At this point I've only told a few good friends that I trust and who have been very supportive and leant me good advice, helped me put life in perspective and always cheer me up when I get down about it =)

 

Your story just really reminded me of all the feelings I was going through at that age too. I am going on 2 years with this now. You will get through this initial shock. Stay Strong =)

[JessikaRabbit89]

Ahh sweetheart, your story is so similar to mine. I hooked up with a longtime friend right before Thanksgiving, thinking nothing of it, and the condom broke. My initial reaction to the irritation was the same as yours, maybe just rough sex aftermath because I hadn't had any in over 6 months...then I realized it was taking longer to heal and was becoming more and more painful with flu-like symptoms. I googled herpes and felt the horror too. Getting the confirmed diagnosis from examination was an even bigger blow. I couldnt eat or sleep. I felt so disgusted and ashamed. I told my giver and he was in complete denial, still is, and accuses me of giving it to him, even though his test confirmed he had it in his blood before mine did. Needless to say, we don't talk anymore. My primary outbreak lasted about 3 weeks, while he never had one (that I knew of).

 

Fastforward to the present, life is much better and I am no longer ashamed of having it. I came out on social media, and got nothing but support and love. I even had friends and family tell me in confidence about their herpes. I now have a great boyfriend who also has HSV2, and we have a wonderful relationship. The first time we had sex I did have an outbreak shortly after, probably because my body is still adjusting to it all, but it lasted only 2-3 days, tops, and was nowhere near as painful. After a while, you will see that herpes will no longer interfere with your intimacy at all, just make sure you are very well lubricated before you get in the act, and learn what your triggers are. Also, as far as marriage and children go, my cousin who has had herpes for 10 years now, has a beautiful healthy 7 year old son, and still in a relationship with her giver. So, not all hope is lost. You can still have a family and a loving man in your life, H- or H+.

 

Herpes for me has made me more confident in who I am and more appreciative of life. I try to maintain a healthier lifestyle and I make better decisions when it comes to sex and dating. Its given me knowledge to educate others about this disease and decrease the stigma associated with it. You'd be surprised at how many people do not care whether or not you have herpes, because 9xs out of 10, they probably have it too, whether they know it or not. I call it my stress manager and my blessing in disguise, look at it in a positive light and you will see that your life can be just as it was before, if not, better!

 

I have faith in you, stay strong and remember you are NOT herpes! This does not change who you are! People will love you for you and if they define you by your status, then they aren't worth having in your life anyway. :)

[kbean1818]

.......

[JessikaRabbit89]

If you need anyone to talk to off of here I will be more than happy to do so.

[Kasbean1818]

I am honestly just lost! I was such an outgoing person and this has already made me feel so hurt and ashamed! I want to stay calm before I talk to him because I'm so angry! I care about him which hurts even more and did see a longterm relationship with him! I'm just a ball of emotions and i just at this point can barley pretend to crack a smile!

[JessikaRabbit89]

I know exactly what you're going through, my giver and I were in the process of starting a relationship before this happened as well, so I was more heartbroken than anything. In some twisted way I was hoping since we both had it that we could stay together and get through it together...but he was too busy blaming me that I gave up on trying. It still hurts to this day because I still miss him, but I am giving him his space to process this on his own. I let him know I was still willing to be there as a friend and someone to talk to when he comes to terms with it though.

 

I think you should tell him as soon as possible so he can get tested. That way, you will know he was your giver, because some men can have sex multiple times with an H+ woman and not catch it. Though I do believe he gave it to you, its best to be safe and know for sure.

 

As much as I hate to tell you, prepare yourself for the worst. He may become angry, make accusations, completely shut you out, but that's all a typical reaction dealing with this situation. Even though YOU were the one who suffered the most from this, he will play victim and act as if he was just given a death sentence. If he doesn't speak to you, don't call or text him. You need just as much time as he does. You need to find yourself again and learn how to handle this on your own as well. Time truly does heal all wounds.

[Kasbean1818]

Thank you. It's been hard because I don't have the results from my test yet but obviously it's almost very clear with everything going on. A little bit of me keeps holding onto that hope that they will tell me this www just a bad yeast infection or something! Knowing that's probably not the case it's hard for me to say anything when I have no results.... Everyday right now is a little bit harder and I'm just at a loss. Everything that involves getting out of bed is a struggle and wanting no one to know trying to act like I'm okay is tough! I appreciate your support Im prepared for him to deny it since he does have a pretty strong personality I almost can picture his outcome is not going to be good!

[JessikaRabbit89]

There have been stories of people who thought they had herpes until their tests came up negative. Yeast infections can in fact cause blisters in some situations if it goes untreated for a while, but the likelihood of that being the case is low because it takes a badly compromised immune system for that to occur.

 

When you do get your results, it will take a bit to sink in, but it will be a bit of a relief as well, because you have an answer, and to me, knowing I have something that can be treated is much better than having something doctors can't figure out what it is and don't know how to treat.

 

He will definitely be upset initially, but as time goes on he will come to accept it, and maybe in the future you two can come together and have a talk about it. Everyone deals with it differently. All you can do is focus on getting better and taking care of yourself mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually, and wonderful things will follow..

 

..and again if you need to talk, we are all here for you. We know where you're coming from and how you feel. <3 sometimes just having a caring support group helps too.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Kasbean1818

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

Speaking as a 35 yr veteran who had a 20 yr marriage (where I gave it to my then Hubby because I didn't know I had it) that ended for non-H reasons, with 2 beautiful daughters, 2 more relationships with men who were (and still are) H-, I can tell you what whatever happens, you will be FINE. Life will go on. Perhaps not how you saw it... but very possibly BETTER. We have all kinds of Success Stories on here of people who have found a deeper and more profound connection with their H- partners because H makes us become vulnerable, and while that is scary as hell at first, it creates a whole different layer or connection and communication.

 

As for how you got it... assuming you also had Oral sex, it's entirely possible your BF is clueless that he might have a cold sore or that a "cold sore" is herpes and thus can be transferred to the genitals via oral sex. It's a VERY common issue... which is why HSV1 accounts for 50% of all new genital cases of Herpes :( AND... he could have HSV2 and not know it because STD panels don't include it unless you specifially ask for it :/

 

I suggest you print out the handouts at the link below and show him them and the video I'll include below to help him to understand what you are dealing with... if he's a real MAN he will pause, take a deep breath, and he'll get educated before "judging" the situation. If he's a boy, he will run away. So although you may not like it, Herpes may act as your Wingman here ... you will get to see this guy for who he really IS ... sadly many of us are here because we got intimate before getting to know someone well, and once the diagnosis was made, the true nature of the other person came out and it wasn't who we thought they were.... and not someone that most would want to live with when you really accept that reality ...

 

We are here to support you through this stage... you will get through it and life WILL go on. You will get married and have babies (if you want to) and Herpes will be a speed bump that you hit at 60mph... yeah - scares the shit out of you, thows you off course at first, but once you take control of the wheel again the road will get better :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think

 

Herpes facts video

[JessikaRabbit89]

Wow, @ABC111, that's exactly how my giver was too. Before he was tested he confided in me and kept saying "I never had symptoms, I swear I didn't know". After his test came up positive he started pointing the finger at me. I couldn't believe how quick he changed but I learned that guys would rather play the blame game than admit to their mistakes. I'm still hurt over it, but if it weren't for this happening, I wouldn't have met the man I'm dating now. Us both having herpes has made this relationship deeper and more open than any I've ever had in the past. So there was a silver lining in it for me, even though there are times I look back at what could've been between me and my giver, his reaction to this has shown me he wasn't worth being with in the first place.

[Kasbean1818]

Was it random that you found someone with the virus too Jessikarabbit89 or did you meet through a support group I just feel like being in a relationship where someone understands has to be easier. I'm so scared that he is going to do that to me too idk it's just all really hard to even think about right now...

[JessikaRabbit89]

Funny you asked that @Kasbean1818. I met him through an online dating site for people who have Herpes (yes, there's a dating site for that too, lol). At first I was very skeptic, but I felt like nobody would want me, being this girl infected with an incurable disease, so I sought out that dating site, not really to date anyone at the time, but just to find people in my area to talk to and see if they could give me comfort and insight. He ended up shooting me a message, I thought he was really cute so we talked on the phone, Skyped, eventually hung out and the rest is history. I wasn't even really expecting to find love so fast. I was becoming content with the thought I'd be single for a while and I started growing to love myself in the process. I guess that gave off a confidence I didn't think I had and I talked to men from non-herpes dating sites that were even interested in dating me, but I'm happy where I'm at. Plus its a sense of comfort in knowing you can't transmit it to your partner because you both have the same thing. Takes a lot of stress off for sure.

 

and @ABC111, I totally understand, and honestly I think getting a blood test will only give you peace of mind rather than feeling worse. I mean you already pretty much know you have it so whats worse than a confirmation at this point you know? That way you can at least prove to him he very well infected you. I had to get bloodwork done for my own sanity, and even with that, he still acted like a complete douchebag towards me. I think its probably guilt eating at him. He really did care about me, I know he wouldn't give me this purposely, but rather than man up he's avoiding me at all costs. Not much I can do anymore but continue moving on with my life and wish him the best.

 

you're also very right at how you approach a guy with this issue. I handled it the same as you. I confronted him in a victimized manner, freaking out and totally uncalm. He reacted with shock and panic because he was feeding off of my emotions. If you talk to him in a calm, educated, comforting way I think your outcome will be much better and if not, at least you did your part @Kasbean1818.

 

Definitely let us know how it goes.

[Kasbean1818]

Yeah the only thing that scares me about coming off as calm and collected is he will use that to turn the tables... Idk if he would or not Im just going over ever sinerio in my head!!!! Its not fair to be in this situation! I hate being mad I avoid confrontation at all costs and now I have to confront him with this!

[JessikaRabbit89]

Well, I'll tell you how my situation went after finding out my test was negative and his was positive..

 

he sent me a text saying "I think you knew you had it, whether you admit it or not. You lied to me"

 

so I replied by saying "Considering I had symptoms consistent with a recent exposure, the fact that I had an outbreak immediately after having sex with you, and the fact that your test results were positive so soon after our encounter, that tells me you were the one who had it all along, because it takes at least 3 months to have an accurate positive result with herpes, and my test is currently still negative."

 

After I sent that, he went from blaming me to not texting back at all. He's ashamed and full of guilt for giving it to me.

 

Just educate him on the facts when it comes to being diagnosed and how many people don't even have symptoms of the virus so they wouldn't even realize they have it. Usually people who do have outbreaks have pretty bad ones after being newly exposed. So that will be your defense.

[Kasbean1818]

So I should definitely get a blood test...

[Kasbean1818]

Yeah I got the culture too.not blood it's only been since the 31st we had sex so

[JessikaRabbit89]

It would definitely help if you get one done @Kasbean1818.

 

and @ABC111, I got blood work done about 3 weeks after my first outbreak. So it was still relatively soon after being exposed. You're still in the window period for a possible negative result, so no harm in getting tested. I'm sure by now I probably have enough antibodies to be detected at this point.

 

I hope any man that reads this does not take offense to what I'm about to say, but typically they don't do their research on things like this. My giver as you said was truly an uniformed jerk. I think he had his own personal suspicions before but played it off, because I questioned him about a strange rash that he brushed off as a "heat rash" and prior to us getting physical he would often make jokes about herpes. So looking back on it now, I think he was positive all along, and that's why in the beginning he kind of owned up to it before his tests came back positive, then he tried to put it all on me.

[JessikaRabbit89]

I couldn't have said that better myself @ABC111. That's so true, and I swear its like we lived the same story because those are my thoughts exactly. I missed work due to the pain and cried many nights alone while he went and bought a brand new motorcycle and went to a Dallas football game. Yet he's going through so much. Yeah, life must really suck. That truly sickened me to the core.

[Kasbean1818]

I think that's what makes me the most mad! I am in so much pain I have cried just getting out of bed! And I'm struggling with this on my own! I'm just frustrated at this point! I'm just at a loss and I know it only is going to get worse! I'm just starting to be able to only take ib profen 2 times a day and not alternating in profen and tylonol every 3 hours along with the meds from the doctor! I'm so frustrated so I see where you are coming from! I would want to put my head through a wall hearing him say that too!

[WCSDancer2010]

@kasbean

 

If you get a blood test and it comes back HSV1+, it could be that you have the cold sore version (AKA HSV1 orally) and not have symptoms. It wouldn't necessarily mean you had HSV1 genitally but it could be interpreted as that by your BF if he's not educated.

 

You never mentioned if you have HSV1 or 2. If you don't know from the swab I would find that out first.... because your blood test results (and how you interpret them) will depend on that as well ...

[JessikaRabbit89]

I know there are worse things to have...but its just a feeling of pure violation. You gave yourself to someone you deeply care for, out of trust and thinking they would never hurt you, and this happens. That's what gets to me when I think about it. I'm about to cry as I'm writing this. I felt like my purity was taken from me. I went from having nothing to having something that will never go away, something that will always remind me of him for the rest of my life. That's what kills me the most.