First time up... in a long time

[cbk_always_honest]

Today (yesterday, I work nights) I had my second date in less than a week with a woman I met on a dating site. The first date was excellent. The conversation was good and we both enjoyed ourselves. In fact it was during that first date that she suggested a second one. When we spoke about what day we could see each other again she mentioned either Saturday or the following Wednesday, and quickly followed up by saying she wasn't sure she could wait that long. I was caught off guard by how well this date went based on the past dates with online matches.

 

So in preparation for the second date, I started gathering all the information for disclosure. Yeah it was only the second date, but based on the first, and our conversations on the phone I felt it was necessary to take care of it early. As I had told her being open and honest is very important to me in practice, not just as a nice idea. What I really wanted to avoid was waiting too long to the point where it felt like I was trying to make sure she was emotionally invested, which impacts judgement when making decisions.

 

The moment came, I asked her to meet just a bit before our movie started because I had something I wanted to discuss with her. Even before getting there my heart was racing. When she arrived we sat in my car to minimize distractions. As I went around my car to get in the driver's side I became aware of some negative thoughts creeping in ever so slightly. I slowed my walk around and thought to myself to be confident because I was prepared for this no matter the outcome. I began by reiterating how important openness and honesty are to me and that I respected her. Shortly after I mentioned my cold sores she chimed in saying that she had type 1 and had frequent cold sores as well. I was partially relived but knew that my story wasn't over yet. After explaining the situation where my ex girlfriend waited until after we we're intimate to disclose, and that soon after I was diagnosed with type 2 orally as well, she seemed ok with it. She did not express any concern whatsoever. This was such a relief and I hugged her. She thanked me for being so upfront with her and told me that being that way made me special.

 

We then went on to our date, and over the course of several hours (movie and dinner) planned out the next two dates. I cannot really express how happy I was with the result of this talk, and I find myself looking forward to future dates with a wonderful woman. It has been far too long since I've been this excited about seeing someone, and it feels incredible. Where it goes from here, I do not yet know, but I do know that this opportunity was a direct result of being who I am. I also must thank everyone here for their contributions to the forum. Without this positive environment I would have found the going little tougher.

 

:) CBK

[lelani]

I am sooo excited for you!!! I can imagine the slow walk around the car ;-)...you made good use of it lol. I know that amazing feeling of being brave enough to tell and then the other person accepting it. She thinks you are pretty alright :-) and you are.

 

Have fun and I am so glad you felt more confident from sharing with us. :-)

 

Janice

[cbk_always_honest]

Alright, here I am a little more than 24 hours on and the story has changed. Seems I've been put in that in between area. Not a friend, but also not quite a romantic interest, either a fall-back or someone to go out with when no better options are available. We do have one date scheduled for Wednesday, and tentatively next Saturday. However, I now see that there is not going to be anything here. Her communication in previous messages and in her profile indicate she's looking for a relationship, and she has sent plenty of compliments my way. This would appear to indicate interest. In her most recent email she let me know that she wants to keep seeing me, but because of past experience she wants to date around. She also explained her past experiences, and I get the impression that she is not even ready for a relationship. This means that Wednesday will be my time to extend an offer of friendship (I do have one friend from a previous match on a dating site so I know it can happen), but that's all it will be. I deserve better than to be relegated to stand-by while she waits to see if something better is around the corner, which is a behavior of online dating I mentioned during our last date.

 

I do wonder if the fact that I am not done with college has anything to do with this. If it does, that's too bad. Once finished it's not like I'll be a completely different person. If someone cannot accept me now, I will not settle for them later. Of course it could be my H status or it ... well, it could be any number of things. For me it's a matter of self respect, and waiting on someone else to decide whether I'm good enough isn't what I deserve, nor is it something I'm willing to accept. After how open, honest, and up front I've been with her I expected better communication coming back. Since I'm not emotionally invested there really isn't any hurt here, just disappointment. My daughter told me that she was sorry it turned out this way, but that there are plenty of women out there, and definitely one that will be right for me. lol, gotta love my kid.

 

So, now I'll just pick back up where I left off and get back out there, and now I've had some good practice.

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Hey CBK, You can feel good about being open and honest and giving full disclosure and doing the right thing. The thing is we can't control other people's reactions. All we can do is try to be the best version of ourselves we can be, create a space for open communication and then the rest is up to them. I am so proud of how you handled yourself and I feel a sadness that this lady can't appreciate what a gem she is passing by for "something better". Unfortunately that is what happens sometimes with the online thing. There is that mentality, as you pointed out, of always thinking there is something better "out there" and not wanting to make a decision "just in case". If she can't appreciate your open heart, integrity and honesty, then sweetheart, she really doesn't deserve you. Sort of like throwing pearls before swine. Your daughter is a smart cookie. You deserve a woman who will know a good thing when she sees it and hangs on with both hands. You don't deserver to be anyone's "fall back" or "just in case". You deserve to be someone's everything.

 

Consider this one good practice on the disclosure thing and honor yourself for realizing you DO deserve something so much more! Thanks so much for sharing your experience with us. You are awesome!

 

Brenda xo

[cbk_always_honest]

Thank you so much Brenda. This is just another example of why I joined this community. To find a place where I can be open about my experiences and feel comfortable and safe doing so means a great deal to me. This is what a supportive community is supposed to be, and it is that way because of the people we have here.

 

It was an interesting and good experience after being out of practice for so long. Admittedly I went into the band-aid approach through one portion, but I did try to make it a discussion. Though I will need more practice at getting a good back and forth conversation to be how this goes. In this experience I realized how important it can be to get the other person talking, because no one likes to sit and have what amounts to a confession with another person looking at you intently. Creating the back and forth conversation takes some of the pressure off, and will help to bring out the other persons misunderstandings if any to allow for more discussion. I already find myself gearing up for the next one, which will be a ways off, but I know it's out there.

 

Until then I know I have the best support community on my side, and that makes all the difference.

 

Thanks again to everyone,

 

:) CBK