Open letter to Adrial: Your story?

[Bobby1187]

So obviously we all know Adrial is a big inspiration to many on these boards. From reading his blogs, and many of his posts, it appears he has broken free from most of the emotional chains that H can use to drag us down. I have appreciated reading his techniques on changing the way he thinks about the virus and about the challenge of dating with this and all of that has certainly helped me toward my road to emotional recovery living with this virus. I've also been able to sort of piece together parts of his own personal journey with herpes through some of this posts, but am interested in learning more.

 

So Adrial, if it's not too much to ask, it'd be great if you wouldn't mind sharing your journey since getting H in this thread. I'd love to hear a more full story about your various dating/telling experiences, overcoming rejection, and how you've navigated the H-issue once you have gotten into a relationship. I know you've briefly mentioned some ideas of things to do to still be intimate during outbreaks in one post and I was hoping I could get you (or perhaps other members too) to elaborate on some of the ways in which a couple can keep the excitement and fun alive at these inconvenient times. Anyway, if it's at all possible, as someone who's still stuck in the dark days of this virus, I'd love to get even just a little more inspiration out of the great Mr. H-Opp to see just how full a life one can live with this condition. Thanks.

[mr_hopp]

Ah, thanks for the curiosity, Bobby. I'm not sure what exactly you'd like to hear other than a general story. My story leading up to my realization is in this guest blog I wrote:

http://www.thecoaches.com/blog/2011/07/herpes-as-transformational-opportunity/

 

Beyond that, life has been so inspiring and beautiful, I can hardly stand it at the moment. And reveling in the beauty of it all. And that's not even close to hyperbole. I truly feel this on a deep level even as I type this reply. My whole body is trembling with excitement about where life is now and where it's headed. The love and support and acceptance I feel in my life keeps growing and deepening to such a beautiful degree. And all of that has become available because I have opened myself up to that possibility.

 

The community coming together around this "Opportunity" concept (not just in herpes, but now expanding into other shame-filled arenas, such as homosexuality, obesity, trichotillomania, and even rape) has been nothing less than awe-inspiring. Having lead the second Herpes Opportunity workshop this past weekend has me feeling so on purpose and lit up with inspiration that my heart could explode. And you know, herpes is so far from an obstacle for me now, it's amazing. If anything, it has been that 4x4 that smacked me upside the head and woke me up to what's important, a doorway into greater and greater transparency and vulnerability for myself across the board. Transparency not just in disclosing herpes in romantic situations, but being more and more vulnerable in my life in general. (And recognizing that even when sex isn't involved in romantic situations is teaching me that intimacy isn't just about sexual penetration; it goes so much deeper and wider than that. So much richer than what I had ever thought possible.)

 

Big takeaway for me (so far): You don't need to have herpes in order to have an excuse to go to greater depths of vulnerability, intimacy and connection. But it was my struggle with herpes that taught me this amazing lesson that I will never forget. What I have learned from positively and lovingly disclosing herpes and the connections that has led to has me recognizing all the other opportunities in my life to be vulnerable to have access to more connection. To go deeper in love and connection in every single aspect of my life has been my experience, and it only keeps growing and going deeper. There's no stopping it now. And it feels so, so good.

 

If you have any other specific questions, please go for it! This feels good to share and reflect on for myself. I appreciate your asking. :)

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Adrial, thank you again for your absolute humanity and vulnerability and willingness to share of yourself. I am curious and I think Bobby asked about it as well - how to navigate intimacy in times of outbreaks or even just how to take intimacy to a new level where it isn't all about the act, but that it's more spiritual, more of a connection on a soul level. I also am curious if there are any resources of information for people who have herpes and conducting safer sex. I know there is the standard "use a condom" but if you don't have outbreaks where a condom covers then other than preventing other STDs, it's not a lot of help to prevent herpes. Being such a common condition, you'd think there would be something out there. But then you'd think the medical community would have a clue as well but they generally don't. I am just curious what your thoughts are on the subject. :)

[Cedar1122]

Hi WhoopsiDaysi,

 

I just wanted to share with you something I've learned about in the past year that's a possibility of connecting on a deeper level. I am a huge believer in intimacy; It's so important to have a deep connection with the one you love. One of my friends puts on tantra workshops, and I came to realize that it's not what I always assumed it was. I haven't attended a full workshop yet, but I did attend an introduction to it, and got to learn a bit of what it is.

What my eyes opened up to was the opportunity to communicate deeper with your partner. My friend showed different ways just to sit with your partner so that you're more connected and there's more open room for honest, intimate conversation. I was really impressed by what I was introduced to, and I am planning on finding out more about it. The introduction that I attended literally only talked about connecting with your partner through words and touch- no sex. It was about how to connect with your partner on a soul level.

 

This is Paul's website:

http://www.tantraforyou.com/tantra-resources/holistic-tantra-sessions/

 

I hope it might be of some help if your interested :)

 

 

[mr_hopp]

We've been working behind the scenes on that kind of "disclosure cheat sheet" that you could hand to your partner after disclosing that would have all the facts. It's been in the works for a little bit and hopefully it'll be done soon. We're trying to condense all the need-to-know information, including stats and common questions into a one-sheeter.

 

When it comes down to it about protecting your partner, communication is the most important part of it. I know my body now. I am pretty certain when I am having a viral shedding session. I was with my girlfriend for 3.5 years without using protection and didn't pass herpes to her. I believe that with us knowing we have herpes and becoming more and more aware of our bodies and how herpes interacts. 80% of people who have herpes don't know they have it. By us knowing we have herpes first and then developing more and more body awareness, that makes us supremely safer.

[WhoopsiDaysi]

A cheat sheet would be awesome. In the moment it's hard to get all the information out there. It's a lot to take in for the person receiving the news, so it would be good for them to have something to read once the shock wears off.

 

I have suspected I had herpes for the last 9 years so I was pretty careful and nothing happened if anything felt "off". My husband and I were together for 5 years and I asked him to get tested when he left and he didn't have it.

 

Thank you for the website Cedar. I will check it out. I have been curious about Tantric sex and maybe this is an opportunity to explore that. :)

[Bobby1187]

Thanks for the response Adrial. It's great to hear how you've regained your optimism and excitement for life. It's so discouraging that I tend to wake up every day for the last few months with that "stone-in-the-gut" feeling and just want so badly to shed that burden and really feel that optimism and excitement for both the present and future once again. I'll do my best to follow your advice and work on changing the way I think to hopefully stop worrying so damn much about the future!

 

But I do have one other question for you, Adrial, about your journey and this relates specifically to your experience dating with it. I've read on one of your posts you say "all of the women I've disclosed to have accepted herpes except the first one". Do you mind if I ask how many women you have disclosed to and what the dynamic in those relationships was after you told them? I know you've said you're most recent gf was great about it, but what about the other ones? I guess I'm just seeking examples of what some relationships can look like now that herpes is in the equation. Thanks!

[mr_hopp]

Hey Bobby, I'm getting a sneaking feeling that you're putting a lot on how my experiences might have occurred as hope for how your experiences might happen in the future. The short answer there is that it's going to totally depend on the person. If you disclose to someone who has a really negative association with herpes, they'll react in a very different way than someone who knows there's nothing really to worry about, that it's just a skin condition. Along those same lines, if you disclose to someone who doesn't know you at all as a person yet, they are much less likely to see you. They're just going to see whatever stigma they have in the way around herpes. There are many different layers to this than whether a disclosure goes "good" or "bad."

 

That said, I've disclosed that I have herpes to every single one of my friends and family members. Romantically, I've disclosed probably about 10-15 times or so. I honestly don't remember the number of disclosures. What I do remember is that the more disclosures I've done (whether friends, family or potential romantic partners), I've gotten more and more accepting of MYSELF having herpes. Especially the more and more quality people I surround myself with who know me and aren't swayed in the slightest by a simple little virus, that goes deep into my psyche as proof that I don't have anything wrong with me, that everything is okay. Every single disclosure that I've made since that first one has brought our relationship closer, has given us both access to more trust for each other and has strengthened our connection. Period. The more and more okay I can be with it myself (authentically, not as an act), the more and more disclosing herpes becomes a connecting experience, revealing my humanity instead of revealing my shame. And more times than not, my opening the door to such a vulnerable conversation has given the other person permission to do the same and open up to me. And isn't that what relationship in general is all about?

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Adrial, everything you said feels so true for me as well, especially after attending the H Opportunity seminar this past weekend. I am so much more comfortable now with telling people I have herpes and the more times I do it and receive love and acceptance, both from myself (which is the key) and from others, the easier it is to just be okay with herpes being part of who I am. We are complex creatures and we are so much more than a simple virus.

 

As you said Adrial, telling someone about having herpes is an opportunity to share with someone and create an even closer bond of trust and acceptance. Not everyone is going to be okay with me having herpes, and that's okay because, honestly, not everyone is okay with me being 5'9" and I can't change that either! :) What I learned this weekend is that if I learn to truly love and accept myself, all of me, and not use herpes as proof that I am not worthy of it, the more I will create a space for love and acceptance for both ourselves and others. I also learned this past weekend what a huge impact my energy has on other people. If I come to people feeling judged, less than, insecure, then people will feel that energy and react accordingly. However, when I have a positive, accepting, loving energy, it changes those around us. I have noticed that since I got home. For instance, my mother, as much as I love her, is not the most emotionally aware or maternal person you will ever meet. We were talking about the weekend and she made a comment about how you never know what an experience like that will mean and how it will change the course of my life. This coming from MY mother! Wow.

 

Bobby, we are given the gift of the herpes virus for a reason. My experience has been at first it is a bit overwhelming to navigate the feelings and how to deal with other people and what it all means but I am also learning that when I embrace it, love it, and accept it, it can become a beautiful thing. It sounds odd, but that has been my experience. It doesn't mean it will always be easy and it doesn't mean I won't have moments of frustration and sadness with having herpes, but it does mean that even in those times I can allow it to be something that pushes me to look deeper into the pain and see what is there for me to learn and grow. And reaching out like you are to others is also so healing. Thank you so much Bobby for asking the questions so many of us also are struggling with.

 

Much love to both of you. :)

 

Brenda

[Bobby1187]

Adrial, you are correct in that I am currently putting a lot into other's experiences. Lately I've been doing the drill of scouring the net for positive "telling" stories. And with seeing how happy you seem to be, I figured you must have some of this "dating world hope" I could tap into. BUT that being said, I appreciate the point you make: that each experience is different and that I think now I realize this habit I've been on recently may be futile. Instead I think now I should put more time in on truly accepting myself with this virus and getting over my fear that EVERYONE will react as the last girl I told did and just live my life. Because as you alluded to, you just never know; though I do take comfort in knowing supportive responses to disclosure aren't rare to come by.

 

Brenda, your words too have reached me in that whatever feelings I have about myself and this condition will come through to people I meet whether it be conscious or unconscious. And no one likes to be around someone who is a debby downer all the time! I'm going to do my best to forget my last rejection (and honestly only one so far) and maybe even reach out to a close friend or two - people that I KNOW will not think less of me because of this. I've told my brother, he's the only one outside of doctors or potential partners to know, and while of course he doesn't fully understand my pain, having him "in the know" has helped a lot because as you two alluded to, he loves and supports me regardless of this thing. So I will try to do the same with myself.

 

Thanks for the thoughtful responses from both of you guys; and even for calling me out a bit there Adrial - I think I needed that. Also thanks for having this community available - the positive vibes here are awesome compared to any other support site on the web and I hope to help contribute to that down that road.

 

Bobby

[mr_hopp]

Good catch, Bobby. And thanks for being open to me supportively calling you out. ;)

 

The mechanism within us that compares in hopes of us being happy by finding other positive experiences is the SAME mechanism that can find reasons for us to be depressed, too, by finding equally negative ones. Neither direction has us actually focusing on ourselves and actively accepting ourselves AS WE ARE, without comparison. Comparing takes us outside of ourselves. Acceptance takes us deeper within ourselves.

 

There's a beautiful segment to the Herpes Opportunity weekend workshop that has the whole room viscerally connected to that feeling of okayness. And it's profound. The more we can create that full acceptance for ourselves day by day, moment by moment, the more shameless disclosure simply rolls off the tongue with no negative charge. Shameless disclosure comes from the kind of person who knows they are okay and lovable on a deep level.

[DrSuz]

Awesome to hear your two cents, Adrial.

And great for you to reach out, Bobby. If there's one thing I have learned with disclosing: people's reactions have to do with them, not me. If I am in a good space, knowing who I am and having perspective on this whole H thing, it doesn't matter how anyone reacts. Keep surrounding yourself with positive people and reminding yourself that you have so many wonderful qualities to offer this world. There is so much support and love in this world. Let it in. You deserve it too!!