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Disclosure fail...why bother?


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Posted

I dated this guy almost 3 years ago... It only lasted a few months, but we remained very good friends after the split. We talked on the phone weekly, and sometimes for hours. It's safe to say he was my best friend.

 

Since my job shut down a few months ago, we have been talking about becoming roommates...maybe more. I was excited because he is a great guy. We both learned Alot from our post break-up conversations. So I thought this may be just what I needed.

 

I disclosed! And his reaction was comforting. He made me feel like everything was gonna be alright. Saying that he was there for me.

 

Well....... I havent talked to him since. He ignored my calls and texts for a week or 2, then his ex fiance started texting me with drama (from his phone) "leave my man alone" etc.

 

I feel that I've lost my best friend. I feel like he was never there at all....

 

This makes me stronger, bc I know how to find comfort within myself. I'm over it now-- but the part that concerns me is the fear of future disclosures. At some point I feel like disclosing is dumb anyway. Since most people have H they just don't know it--why should i bare the burden just because I know....oh right, bc I HAVE a conscience and I know how this made me feel. I wouldnt want to knowingly put someone through this...I remember when I tested H+ I had a little chat with my Dr.

 

Her advice was take your meds and don't tell anyone-- I thought she must be crazy. But I just wonder how many ppl actually take that advice? Apparently Alot of ppl do.... We're all here bc of that

 

 

Posted

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through time, but it sounds like you are a strong person. If his ex is texting you, maybe there was other stuff going on in the background you were unaware of? At any rate, you don't need that drama, I am sure. You never know whether the drama was because of the disclosure of if he already had stuff going on and it was a coincidence. I don't know the situation. You can't base all future disclosures on this one experience. There are some amazing, loving and accepting people out there.

 

Are you serious, your doctor told you not to disclose?? Wow. You sound like a person of integrity and disclosing is an opportunity to get to really know someone else and to build a bond of trust and respect. You can look in the mirror and be proud of yourself and know that you are a person who does the right thing, is honest and has integrity. Put your shoulders back my dear and give yourself credit. :) There needs to be more like you in this world!

 

Brenda xo

Posted

Aww thx whoopsi, and yes...when I tested H+ I sat down with my Dr. And she actually told me that no one needs to know. She said most ppl have it and don't know it bc they don't have symptoms. Dr's don't even test for it on a routine std testing panel unless the patient specifically requests it. For what it's worth, I would hate to find someone that I really want to be with...and then keep this s secret. Only for them to find out the hard way ya know.

As for the guy... I think my disclosure shut the door for him wanting to be involved with me sexually. Therefore he just ran back to the girl who didn't mind breaking his heart. I'm sure he prob had nothing to do with her starting drama. He could have been in the shower or anything. However, that doesn't take away from the fact that he should've kept it real! I'm not salty...I still smile bc I know I'm a wonderful person and I wouldn't leave somebody hangin like that.

Maybe there is a silver lining in this dark cloud after all. Not only am I opening my vulnerability when I disclose, but somehow opening his too. Judging his reaction may be a test of his true colors

 

 

Posted

There is always a reason for things happening and I am finding that the longer I live the more I see there is a "bigger picture". I have seen a lot of positives come from having herpes. I think it opens the door to greater vulnerability and authenticity, it creates a space for intimacy and truthfulness that I would never otherwise have, and it is a test of character and gives us a glimpse of the character of others. It make my heart swell to hear you say there may be a silver lining. There always is, we just have to look for it. The gifts in any situation may not come wrapped quite the way we had expected, but if we look for them, they are there. You are touching every person you meet in a positive way and showing them parts of themselves that maybe they didn't even know existed. What an amazing gift that is. :)

Posted

I LOVE this conversation. Just had to jump in here and show some love. Big hugs.

This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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Posted

And thanks to whoopsi as well. It feels good to be able to share with you...and just take a step back to remind myself that I am doing the right thing.

 

Out of this experience the one thing that trumps all is that I haven't let this beat me up emotionally. I don't know why im shocked that this rejection really isn't that big a deal. This may sound funny, but it feels like I've gained some sort of power.

 

For anyone else out there thats afraid of rejection all I can say is go for it! I mean you're never going to know how great he is (or is not) unless you lay your cards down.

 

 

Posted

Everytime, I have disclosed to someone, either to therapist or a friend, I get treated with no respect. How do I go on to believe that people wont take advantage or try to take advantage of me after I tell them?

Posted

Time4, I would not call it a "fail." It seemed to me that there was a lot of other drama going on with this particular guy. I think that often, we internalize the H and consider it to be the cause of the rejection, but in reality, the person probably would not have been "in it for the long run" regardless of the presence of H.

 

I have yet to disclose to anyone, but now that I have been dating again, it is inevitable. There is a lot to learn from this site.

Posted

Time,

 

Download the How to Never Feel Rejected Again audio if you haven't listened already. I so know how you are feeling. It hurts. I truly believe as you grow in self-acceptance the right man will appear.

 

I try to view the situation like this...everyone is a teacher. What did this experience reveal in you? Make that your focus and you will be just fine.

Posted

Aww thx everyone for showing luv on my post :). -hugs- I am in a much better place now. as I said b4 the rejection only hurt a little. I feel empowered now. I surprised myself by bouncing back so well. I've became a more confident person in a short amount of time. I know the type of man I don't want for sure! that guy in my story lol.

 

With that being said, I've made a commitment to myself. To be the best ME that I can be. EVERYTHING has changed since my attitude changed. I've been smiling more, making ppl laugh, pampering myself, and I even got a brand new job today after a 3 month job search!

 

Im convinced that this "rejection" was a blessing. Can I change the title of my post?

 

And why can't I just have a fwb?? I didn't really care for relationships when I had them...so why does H have to change that?? Obviously i would go about doing things differently. But who says it cant be done?

 

I'm not rushing things, I'm doing me right now!

 

Hforumap-- I'm sorry u have to go thru that, I havent told my family or friends.... But you've come to the right place if you just need someone to talk to

 

 

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