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My Story...it's more like a chapter (hey, I'm new to this).


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So here goes, God, it's so hard to just come out and say it....I have herpes, I found out 4 days ago and it feels like my life will never be the same again. I literally went to bed the first night hoping I wouldn't wake up (a little dramatic, huh?). I also assured myself that I'd never make it 24 hours in jail...because if I thought that was possible, I'm sure I have some pretty amazing friends who would help me hide my givers body lol (that's a joke). It's not getting easier, I'm trying to be light, but I feel like I'm at the lowest point in my life. I'm slowly becoming a recluse. How do you get over the funk?

 

How do I let go of the bitterness towards my 'giver'? He was my ex bf....we broke up 5 mths ago, and this is coming up now? He slept with me unprotected for over a year (I realize I have to own up to some of that), he knew for almost 2 years that he had H before telling me...he purposely waited until he knew I was in love and wasn't going anywhere. He made me feel like he was rejecting me for some reason or another for an entire year before he came clean and said that all of those times he turned me down were due to obs. I stayed, I loved him and thought we would be together forever.....we broke up, and as you know, the only "forever" I got from him was H...thanks a million dude.

 

I had never in the 2 1/2 years we were together had any symptoms, until last week. I noticed a sharp stabbing pain up through my ladybits, by the following night I was spread eagle on my bathroom floor with a magnifying mirror and a flashlight...all class lol. I noticed 2 teeny tiny red water blisters....great...you must be effing with me. I was up at the crack of dawn the next morning sitting in my dr's parking lot an hour and a half before his office even opened. For sure he would tell me I was out of my mind, like the many times before I had put my vagina on display for him, pointing and asking "doc, wth is this"...and he would answer "it's just an ingrown hair, go home and relax, your vagina is healthy". Not this day, I broke down in tears telling him what I had seen on my little flower...and it had been magnified by 500x...and lit up with a flashlight. I knew already even before he said the words. He gave me the Rx for Valcyclovir, 3 times a day for 10 days...and Lydocaine to numb my area. Only bit of tingling she'll feel for awhile, I guess lol.

 

I had been seeing someone new for the past cpl of months, so i called him as soon as I left the dr to break the news. He FREAKED! Not in an angry way, he's worried, he doesn't want this. At all. He wants to be friends....he doesn't want to take the risk...he's a great guy, and I can't blame him. Had I been given the choice, I can honestly say that I wouldn't want it either.

 

So, I've told some close friends, they've been amazing. I told my giver, he completely denied responsibility (because he's a douchebag lol). And lastly I've informed anybody I've been intimate with over the past 3 years....that was a big one for me. It was nerve wracking, and I thought for sure there would be a hit put out on me, but, I guess I surround myself with great people, because not one of them shamed me, or became angry. Each told me that they were sorry this was happening to me, they didn't look at me any differently, and if I needed a shoulder, they would be there. Each one told me it took balls to let them know and they thanked me...THANKED ME!?!? You have to be sh**ting me, right?

 

Anyway, there it is...my story...i feel better already. I'm really in need of support from people who understand. I've read so many posts here and this seems like this place is full of great people. I am so glad that I found this site :)

 

 

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Unhappy Camper,

 

Thank you for sharing your story! The fact that you've already told those who you needed to about this speaks volumes about you. You clearly operate with a lot of integrity, and I can see how they would gain respect for you for being so honest.

 

It's only day 4 and you've already done all these things.. kudos to you.

 

I can relate to herpes being devastating at first. I also had that feeling of being at the lowest point in my life. I want to send you a sympathetic hug in that moment.

 

With time, and learning about what herpes actually is; it got soo much better. My relationship with herpes has changed vastly. From having herpes; I've come to experience self-love, compassion and forgiveness for myself in a way I've never experienced.

 

When I was first diagnosed- I couldn't imagine seeing myself where I am right now. There's a lot of support, and once you learn more about herpes and how it actually affects your body, you'll realize that what it actually IS is a manageable skin condition and you can focus less on the crazy stories of social stigma that is all we know when we're first diagnosed.

 

Again, thanks for your post. I really enjoyed your humor!

 

Sending love!

-Katie

 

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Katie,

You're awesome...bottom line! Thank you for the response and for your kind words. I'm more fearful of the unexpected right now, and to be honest, emotionally, I'm ready to break. In reading other people's stories, I realize that my ob is (so far) very mild in comparison to what so many others have gone through. I have been blessed with an amazing friends and an even better mom (who would have LOVED to help in hiding that body I wrote about earlier haha).

I felt like disclosure lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders, again, I was so fortunate to have been with educated, caring partners. I think thier reactions made it so much easier for me....I am TERRIFIED of future disclosures.

Day at a time, trying to keep my chin up.

Thanks so much Katie!!

 

Lyns

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Hey UnhappyCamper,

 

First off, welcome. Good to have you here. There's a tradition that's been happening on these forums around how we name ourselves. The screen name says a lot. Do you see yourself as an unhappy camper? Or do you want to shift how you're choosing to name yourself? Just throwing that out there as a point of awareness. The words we use have a tremendous impact on how we experience our lives. May seem like a little nit-picky thing, but it has an impact. ;) How about HappyCamper?

 

And I'm glad you're feeling the weight lift. Really glad. I'm curious about your experience around what about disclosing has the weight lifting? And what has you terrified of future disclosures? I get that there's the unknown. But what has the unknown be terrifying instead of hopeful or positive?

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I think disclosing made me feel like a better person....like some right could come from my feeling like I was wronged by someone I had grown to love. I think the rejection is what frightens me to most. Like how will people react to me now? Is my mojo gone forever?

I can't say I'm happiest camper of the year or anything at the moment, but I'm willing to try anything to turn the depression around.

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Hey Happy. :)

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am in awe of you already. Wow. After 4 days and look at how you have handled yourself with such courage and integrity.

 

Give yourself some time to process and go through the grieving process - anger, denial, bargaining, etc. Getting herpes is a lot to process and it is life changing but really, in the big picture, more of an annoyance than anything else. Yeah, it's forever, but you've already proven what strong character and integrity you have and you will get through this with the grace and humor you are already displaying. Other people are and will continue to see that. It feels heavy at first, but it does get better and soon it won't be on your mind 24/7. Soon it will be one of things that is part of you. Like having blonde hair or brown eyes. It just is. Yeah, there may be some people who reject the herpes but people reject us for various reasons. I have found it's a great way to test someone's character and it filters out a lot of the people who wouldn't have been a good fit for you anyway. It's sort of like a built in pre-screening process.

 

Keep on reaching out. We have a fabulous community here of loving and accepting people and we all love and support you on your journey. :) Thanks for joining our happy family.

 

Brenda

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First of all, I'm more than impressed that you were so quick to disclose to so many close people around you, not just your "giver" or current sexual partner. Quite a different story for the person who infected you. You never know why a person acts the way they do. I'm guessing your giver was more than ashamed, thought he would lose you, didn't know how to tell you, and had serious issues with acceptance with what he had and didn't realize the importance or seriousness of not disclosing to you. I had no idea what I had when I was diagnosed and instead of learning for myself, I went with old notions or ideas I already had about "H". I hurt myself that way, as well as a couple other people. You need to be proud of the way you handled your situation. Congratulations on not doing the same to others that your giver did to you.

 

I have to say, my symptoms were so sudden and did not lay dormant whatsoever. I had almost back to back outbreaks for more than six months. When I finally learned and realized that I could turn to suppressive therapy to get my outbreaks under control, I was willing to try anything. Not only that, it could possibly keep me from passing it on to my partner. For me, it works and it's been at least a couple months that I haven't had to deal with an outbreak. I'm not sure how it's been for you or how uncomfortable you are considering your diagnosis was only a few days ago. Just know you are not alone and that it really will get better with time. I know that I need to disclose to a close friend of mine because it will be a huge part of my own acceptance and I wanted to thank you for being so candid and willing to share with those close to you. That is remarkable!

 

I need to remind myself that what we have isn't a big deal. Maybe you need to hear it too. It doesn't need to be the end, but a new beginning for you. It changes your future relationships, but only for the better. It really does help you be a healthier person! Take care of yourself for the next little while and pay attention to what you need. My doctor told me to treat myself like I had a cold. Rest and try to eat better. Take some vitamins and repair your immune system. And know that you are not alone. You are important to this community and we all need to have you around to help us stay strong! Please update and let us know how you're doing!

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Unhappy camper. Welcome!!

I can so relate to what you wrote. I actually went to the doctor two different times before I was diagnosed with H. Both times I was told I was fine and it was an irritation another time it was an ingrown hair. The third time was the charm. I in fact knew something was wrong with my body. I'm happy that what I experienced was and has been mild compared to what I've read of others. I totally understand you.

I believe my giver lied to me and still hasn't gone to get checked and believe he is still and will keep on sleeping with women unprotected.

I commend you on facing this head on. That's what you have done. You have so much courage and are so brave. You are doing what most can't and won't do. You are being honest and caring of others. So you are awesome for that.

Honestly when I started telling friends and family I was terrified. I have yet to report a bad reaction. The only person who rejected me was my giver.

The first few weeks to months are difficult. It will take some time. Do nice things for yourself. Take care of yourself. Rest. Eat healthy. Exercise if you can. Do things to take your mind off of it. Paint your nails get a hair cut. Go to dinner with a friend. Buy yourself some flowers whatever will make you happier.

It takes time it really does. I still struggle as I'm fairly new to this as well. But finding this H Opportunity page helped so much. Stay tuned. There are some amazing people here.

We all understand you!! I think in what you did there is relief. I found relief in disclosing early on because I needed to be myself I couldn't hold in this secret. I needed support. You have made a great break through and you are amazing!! We're all here for you.

Hugs

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