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Life isn't fair but it's still good *sighs*


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Today marks the ninth month that I have lived with my viral friend, herpes. One night I went to the movies with a guy who I talked to on an off for a year, went to dinner, had a few drinks that led to more at an after party and the rest is history. Within those short weeks of spending time with the guy I generally liked, I contracted what I call “glitter.” I felt all the symptoms. I had what I thought was just the flu then a couple days later I felt an unusual pain down below while I was at work. I became extremely worried and self-diagnosed myself with the web and immediately went to the hospital. The doctor told me, “It looks like herpes.” She took a culture of a lesion and told me the results should be back within a week. I was in complete shock that I barely muttered a few words when she discussed a STD test had to be done. Her concerned look for me told me to take care of myself as she sent me on my way. That initial night was the worst night of my life. I grabbed a mirror and looked towards the southern hemisphere and confirmed that my worst nightmare had indeed come true. I cried and worried so much that I called my ex-girlfriend/best friend about my situation and sobbed over the phone feeling like my life was over. Prior to my visit to the hospital, I did not receive my period for three months so I freaked out when I saw blood and went back to the hospital the following day where another doctor told me that I was positive for herpes and Chlamydia as well as a uterine tract infection. I did not cry as I read the results on paper but I saw my best friend beside me in the waiting room shed tears for me and whispered, “You don’t deserve this” then I told her, “It’s not fair but I’ll be okay.” The next couple days were extremely difficult. Dealing with the physical pain and having to tell the guy who was my current boyfriend at the time was all too overwhelming for me. I could not sit nor lay down without feeling like sitting on a pile of knives and frequent visits to the restroom were the unfavorable part of it all. I honestly don’t know how I managed to go to work considering the long hours I am on my feet and how physically demanding it is. I felt so depressed at work that I cried at my station. I recall thinking, “Why did this happen to me?” I thought I steered myself on a better path. I get a new job, I finally get myself out of debt, and I break free from a very toxic relationship with my ex, and even moved out of my parent’s house. With herpes, I did not feel like brand new anymore. I felt like damaged goods and that feeling consumed my soul for the next six months. My attitude quickly shifted from a loquacious, cheerful associate to a silent, depressed girl that my manager became concerned and asked me, “Who do I need to beat up?” I cried in front of him and felt like he knew what was going on but I could not find the courage to tell him. I woke up every morning thinking I was living a bad dream and on most nights my best friend who was staying with me to support me through this tough time even said I would have a worried look painted on my face when I slept. I was very delicate at this stage and after three months of being diagnosed with “glitter” I gave myself an allergic reaction from using Blistex. The skin of my lips began peeling off for a month that I wept for a long time thinking, “How can I face people with this?” I went through two different treatments before I went to a dermatologist for a biopsy. Two weeks passed and my lips were not getting any better and then my dermatologist leaves a voice mail, “It’s just a rash, keep using the cream until it’s gone.” When I showed up to work with my crusty lips, my manager came up to me and told me this happened to him during high school. He said he took Valtrex and that IT comes and goes when he stresses out. I looked at him with a sincere look and realized that he got cold sores on his lower lip then my other manager told me that his daughter takes pills whenever she feels an outbreak. Right then and there I noticed how common this virus really is. So after that I felt some sort of relief that I was not alone in this emotional/physical battle. Both my managers gave me strength to carry on when I considered quitting my job. Well, six months later that rash is still on my lips. Every week I am peeling off the skin because it moistens from my saliva and it turns white then green. I am growing tired of them. A couple months ago I felt so defeated by this ongoing rash and back to back herpes outbreak that I fell into a deep depression, sleeping my weekends away, declining every invite from my friends, and isolating myself in my room. I was and still am afraid to do the things I love to do: run, work out and play ball. There was so much anger as the days went by that it started to show up on my face. I always had a clear face and acne (at least I hope it is) presented itself on my chin, cheeks and nose. Right now, I am trying so fucking (excuse my language) hard to keep my patience, kindness, and stress levels intact. At times I just want to drown my sorrows at the bottom of a bottle but I made a sole decision to quit drinking. Over and over again I have tried to stop drinking and I never realized how addicted I was until I tried to quit. Nothing good ever comes from alcohol for me. Before “glitter” I always wanted to change and now that this skin condition is in my life, it is FORCING me to change my ways and every day I remind myself that this is a blessing in disguise. Over the past nine months I have made a plethora of gains from re-enrolling myself into school to focusing on myself more by breaking up with my boyfriend and saying no to alcohol. I’d say it has been one hell of a journey! I have truly learned how strong I am and I prayed for things to get better and slowly they have. My outbreaks are not as bad as they used to be, my lips and face are still healing and my manager says I look happier. Overall, I thank the big man above that I am not where I used to be and I also thank this website for reminding me that I can still make my life beautiful! I don’t live my life carelessly anymore and I still believe that this happened for me rather than to me because I am still that same humorous, optimistic, and determined gal.

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@BeResilient

 

“It’s not fair but I’ll be okay.”

 

How true. The only thing in life that's truly fair is your foundation in your make-up bag :)

 

I don’t live my life carelessly anymore and I still believe that this happened for me rather than to me because I am still that same humorous, optimistic, and determined gal.

 

What a powerful revelation!!!! It's a message I wish everyone could get. Proud of you for making all those changes in your life ...

 

Yes... there IS a Positive side to being Positive .... but you have to be willing to do the work to make the changes that need to be done .... and for some, it's just easier to give up and blame everything that goes wrong in their life on the virus ... rather than allowing the virus to help them to look inward and make the changes needed to gain their life back ... a life that was often out of control/broken before Herpes came along...

 

Thank you for this ... I know it will help many to see they are not alone AND they CAN move forward.... one step at a time ...

 

(((HUGS)))

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Awww I waited for your response to my story WCSDancer! You among many others inspired me to pick myself up. Thank you so much for your kind words. I really am trying and it is not an easy task to do. I'm learning that change happens over time and 2015, for me, is all about progress and my goals!! You have no idea how much this website has helped me get through the days where I didn't feel like carrying on. I REFUSE to let this get the best of me. (:

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