will a good guy want me with herpes?

[mlnpt]

I got herpes almost 2 years ago. My bf told me beforehand that he had it about 3 months in before we had done ANYTHING including kissing, and I really cared about him and I wanted to continue getting to know him better so I wanted to continue. About a month after we were first intimate, I found out I had genital herpes. He was asymptonic and he gave it to me after oral sex. I feel like we could of done things to feel more safe, like he could of gone on Valtrex(he had never had an outbreak so my dr. said he really didn't need to) and I feel so much guilt about it. It ended up being unhealthy relationship and I stayed with him much longer than I should of because I was afraid of having the "talk" with someone new. I have tried to start relationships with two people since him and one he was ok with kissing but seemed to be uncomfortable with anything further(I think I was also nervous for him, feeling the guilt for him if he got herpes). The next guy was putting all the moves on me very early on-wanting to kiss me and go further and I refused all the advances untilI told him, and then I was basically rejected. He complimented me in so many ways beforehand and told me "What's not to like?" Well for him, that was obviously it. He said he wasn't ready to make the "sacrifice". I then quickly explained to him that it shouldn't feel like a "sacrifice".

 

I am on two online dating sites right now that are not herpes related. I feel confident telling someone about it now(those two times I have said it, I was really ashamed and it may have projected a response out of them). I want to tell someone, if I find someone on the site, before I even kiss them because there is always a chance herpes-simplex 2 could also be on the mouth. The simplex 2 part is just a strand. I have had 3 outbreaks on my genitals and never one on my mouth, but I would want to say something just to be sure. I am terrified of being rejected. I am 32 and I feel it's already hard enough to find someone good out there and now I feel like I am really ruining my chances. I feel like you need to know someone very well before you can make a decision of staying with them with herpes(I go back and forth with feeling like it's a big decision. I say that because if you like them, it shouldn't be a problem and you look beyond herpes) and I think telling them before kissing them for the first time may not be long enough. I just go back and forth with being ok with it and saying that is the guy's loss if he doesn't want to be with me and that I am better off to feeling very insecure and as I said before, terrified of the rejection and that no one will want me. I feel guilty for putting myself in this situation. If anyone could give me any advice, I would greatly appreciate it!! Thanks!!

 

mlnpt

[Nicguy]

Hi

There are understanding people out there.It just has to be an open minded person that is willing to listen, and understand. You will have to say what you are looking for meaning long term, short term so they can understand where you are going in terms of with the person you would like to have in a relationship.We all dislike rejection,and you can be rejected and it hurts.Even online when someone expresses interest you may reject them by not responding to them and you hardly know anything about them.

Please do not go in feeling insecure that can ruin a relationship,so stay positive.

Look we all have things about us when meeting someone or getting to know them we wonder do we tell them about any bad habits like burping,biting nails etc. So think about this can you tell them about those habits upfront because those are life long things that person will have to deal with.

Even after 9 months of dating a woman and then her telling me she had herpes I still embraced her.Sure I wish she had told me in the beginning but it was after the fact and you can not reverse time and so not being able to go back I took what was presented to me and decided I wanted to just go forward with her.

[smilesfordani]

Hey!

 

I think it's great that you're putting yourself out there. I'm 21, have had HSV2 for 9 months now and have been with my current boyfriend for almost 5 months (he's negative) and we've been intimate for a little less than 3. I think it's definitely critical that you feel comfortable and at ease with the person you tell. You might not want to be already in love with them, since if rejection does happen, it won't hurt your spirit too much.

 

My story:

 

I was intimate with C about 6 months before I got HSV and after I got it I thought my chances at pursuing anything with C in the future were completely shot. He'd only been intimate with a couple of girls and was such a good looking and great guy I thought he would never risk something like that for any girl. After we started officially dating again I waited about a month to tell him the truth because I wanted to make sure he had serious intentions with me and that he liked me beyond all my flaws to show him this pretty fat one. Even if I felt super comfortable with C, I stilllll felt so nervous and hesitant (i had to put in my calendar to not chicken out!! lol) but he was so understanding! He was a little taken aback at first but I explained the infection to him in detail, the chances of him getting it, the precautions we could take if we decided to be intimate. He was able to take in the information and see beyond his harmless disease to realize that it was still the same girl he was falling for. Needless to say we're still together.

 

My advice:

 

Be sincere about everything, but watch his character to make sure the guy you're planning to tell is WORTH it to tell. If you don't think you'll have a shot at acceptance; why bother putting yourself through rejection? If he's able to put up with all your other flaws, this should just be one more he needs to deal with if he's up for it.

 

I REALLY don't think you should put kissing out of the question! 1st, it would be extremely, EXTREMELY rare if your genital H-2 all of a sudden traveled up to your lips. Really. I have never read a cited case of that happening. One person in one forum in one threat, out of ALL the websites I have seen, reported it happening in other parts of his body, but he was taking some WEIRD approach by taking medication that would make the virus come to the surface in the form of outbreaks so he could "kill it" with some other medication. The hell, right? So as long as your not doing that, I think you're good. Even if H-2 HAD picked your mouth as a host region, the chances of transmission are very small. The chances of transmission to another person's MOUTH are even TINIER because that's not generally the region where the virus can exist, so it would already be rare for your to have it there, much more to transmit it to someone else in that region.

 

If you do decide to be intimate with someone I would definitely go on acyclovir or valtrex. they say it cuts your chances by 50 percent but if you avoid sex around any time you feel any kind of padrome symptom the chances are much less especially if you were a condom. So you're looking at <1% chance in a year to transmit watching your symptoms, taking medicine, and wearing protection. That's pretty darn good. I also take L-lysine (1500 mg), olive leaf extract, and vitamin C gummies (as well as multivitamin) to lower my chances even more of an outbreak. I've been outbreak free since I started taking medicine and vitamins back in July! And it's my 1st year, where you're supposed to have the most outbreaks of your life. :) C feels a lot safer too knowing that I'm doing all this protect him as well as I can. ^.^

 

Moral of the story: not all guys are dicks. But you SHOULDN'T be so self conscious about the infection to not even let a guy get anywhere near physical close to you! You don't never go in a car cause there's a tiny chance that you'll die in a crash on the way to the grocey store, right? So why shouldn't you kiss the guy that you like? Even foreplay's fine as long as you're careful!! Take your medicine and your vitamins and the right guy that cares will do his research and understand that 1) it's not a big deal and 2) the chances are small of anything bad happening and you're taking charge of the situation so that it won't. ;)

[Bobby1187]

Just a comment mlnpt, you say you got H after oral sex with your boyfriend. So that suggests you have genital hsv-1. If that's the case, this is an important distinction, because around 50% of people your age already have hsv-1 either orally or genitally which gives them significant protection against a new hsv-1 infection anywhere on their body - in addition to the already low chances of passing a genital hsv-1 infection due to less shedding and recurrences. The reason I say this is that this information could help make your next talk a little easier - especially if the person you are telling happens to have colds sores (hsv-1) already. I have genital and oral hsv-1 (got from oral sex and had both outbreaks at the same time that's how I know it's in both places), and so far out of the two girls I've told, one with cold sores stayed, while the one without opted out. So if I were you, I'd get type-tested to determine what type you have. Either way I'm sure you'll find success again if you keep looking; but if it's type 1, at least you have a bit of better news that can be wrapped up into your disclosure.