Hi all! One year later and I'm still angry :(

[MonaLa]

I'm new to the group, I've had HSV-1 genital for about a year, and it's been tough but I made it. Right now I'm going thru yet another outbreak, it's not painful, I just hate the way I let it make me feel about myself. I did get it sleeping around, and I know that it shouldn't matter, but I let it dominate my thoughts.

 

And I'm still angry. Angry at the men who did not think cold sores were STDs, and dident tell me when I stared them in the eye and asked about STDs. Angry at society for this cold sore / genital herpes double standard. Angry at planned parenthood for only testing for 3 STDs and then leading people to think that they are "clean." Angry at the tech at planned parenthood who told me super wrong info when I was diagnosed. Angry at the whole reproductive justice community for acting like condoms stop all STD transmittal, because they are afraid the public cant handle the truth and people will stop using condoms all together. Angry at Abreva for not being honest, never using the herpes word, and even calling cold sores blemishes sometimes. Angry at my friends who exposed me to it for years by sharing things. Angry that I can't be honest with the world about it. Angry at myself for refusing to sleep with HSV+ people before i caught it. Angry atyself now for turning down a man with HSV2, after I was already HSV1+. Angry that I laughed at dental dams and dident even know about carrageen lube. Angry that I lasted to age 30 without HSV-1 attaching to me the normal cold sore oral way. Angry at my fibromyalgia riddled immune system, increasing the risk i would catch HSV1 genitally, and that i would have visible symptoms. Angry at the cymbalta Im on that increased my risk of viral infections. And I'm angry that I feel I must treat my sexual partners better than they treat me, and disclose. I feel like its the moral thing to do, but i feel like im not looking out for my needs and be shelfish like everyone else. I would feel so bad about myself if I did not disclose, I fell like its the 100% the right thing to do. but At what point am i just being a mharter? Is this really just because i am so angry that the men i slept with did not tell me? All my friends with oral HSV1 laughed at me when I asked them if they tell their partner before they kiss for the first time! And from what I can tell, that's the general attitude.

 

The one thing I've come to feel okay about is that statistically, it was past my time to catch it. That part is fair. And in a sick way I am happy that I get symptoms cause I know that I have it, and can take precautions to protect my loved ones or sex partners, not everyone get that chance.

 

I did start dating after my diagnosis, and when I first disclosed he said it was ok, and he was ok with it. Even told him about condoms not preventing the spread, broke out stats and everything. Then after we had sex a few times, he started to pull away, would not even give me head with a demtal dam. Finally he said hes been lying and that my dirty herpes infested pussy disgusted him. Now I'm more confused and angry then ever.

 

I meditate everyday, yoga, affirmations and thearpy when I can afford it, but now I'm broke. Any advice on how to move past this anger, or self deprecating thoughts? Even just another way to look at it?

[mr_hopp]

Take a look at what being angry is doing for you. It seems to me that being angry isn't doing anything to have you enjoy your life on a deeper level. Practice being grateful instead of being angry. What are you choosing to focus on in your life? The things that will have you react with anger or the things that are worthy of your positive attention? It's a choice you make and it's a muscle that you can work. I feel relieved just reading that you already see your anger as a choice that you're making. That's the first step: realizing you're not the victim of your life ... You're actually much more powerful than you might give yourself credit for. Notice all of those moments in your life where the anger shows up and instead of judging it, welcome it and see if you can shift the anger to something that feels better to you in the moment. The more you do this, the more it becomes the default to feel better moment by moment instead of angry.

[MonaLa]

Thanks! I know I'm drinking poison, and it's hurting me. I try to be grateful, but i struggle big time. I dont believe in a higher power and I can always see the downside too. My yoga instructer always wants us to be happy for our cars/transportation, but all I see is us burning the earth. How can I be grateful, without looking away from the suffering Im causing? It is so rare to have a rising tide that lifts all boats. I see much value in what your saying, I'm just not sure how I can make it work for me.

Sorry if this is off topic...

[MonaLa]

Oh, great advice on welcoming the anger and observing it! Maybe if I feel it in the moment I won't dwell on it so much :)

[mr_hopp]

Again, I see what you're focusing on even in your response. You're right. There are plenty of reasons for you to be angry. (And plenty of reasons to be grateful, too.) Find the subconscious motivation behind what being angry is getting for you. There's a reason that its there. Then you'll understand yourself better and why it's so important to be angry over being grateful. There's nothing inherently wrong with your anger. Remember that. accept yourself in your anger. Get curious about it. Get closer to it. Strive to understand it and yourself. Stop arguing for your limitations and start living in such a way that inspires you.

[MonaLa]

Thank you. Your right, my anger is serving me somehow, and idk. I do place a higher value on ending suffering than creating joy or happiness. When you brought up inspiration, all I can think about is easing suffering, keeping people out of jail, that kind of thing. I need feel joy and happiness to the degree I have felt pain, I just honestly feel I can't do that without causing others suffering and pain. But maybe that's up to them, and not up to me. Everything i learned in from yoga/mindfulness says yes, everything i learned as a scientiest and lawyer says no. Maybe theres lots of grey. Thank you very much for your time. I send Loving kindness your way.