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i want my old self back.


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if i could, my one wish in this world would be to have the old me back, the old me without herpes. where i can have my own life back and not have this virus control me. i feel as if ill never feel quite right or "normal" i always feel in pain, and then once i feel pain, i get stressed, then i get overwhelmed, and outbreaks just take over my mind and all my thoughts. its all i think about, sadly, pretty much everyday. i hate that im only 20 years old, so young with so much ahead of me and i feel like i cant be free, im not saying i would have sex with every guy ive talked to but it would be nice not to have to worry about the talk, or passing it on and then getting yourself sick over it ive made myself so sick thinking about it, i actually vomit. ive been dealing with this since i was 16, 4 years and i feel this way, i cant take it. i dont think ill ever get over the fact or accept the fact that i have herpes and it was by some man i didnt know who did this to me and i was violated and raped. it sickens me, but its not my fault. i really need to forgive myself and be easier on myself. i just cant seem to be okay with just being me anymore. i catch myself crying nearly everyday, because all i want is someone, someone there and who accepts me for me but everyone knows people my age worry about STD's, i mean like come on lets be real, every fucking movie or tv show makes a joke and its always about herpes. and you know how hard it is when your with someone watching it and that topic comes up and you see everyone laughing and i just want to sit there and cry, but i have to tag along and act and laugh with them. it hurts. and then once again i feel disgusted with myself and think wow no one will ever want to be with me.

 

long story short, ive been with this guy, hes in the marines. we would talk all the time when he was away, and he was coming home for visits, he had 2 visits home back to back in the winter so we got to spend a whole good month together, we spent everyday with each other, had sleepovers, the whole nine yards, ive never been so sexually attracted to someone and we couldnt keep our hands off each other, you know how difficult it was to not have sex? we never got the chance too, because you know why? i was scared of rejection by him, someone i was growing feelings for, but he told me he has such strong feelings for me and all this talk, but i was still scared, like i wasnt good enough for him yet, that he didnt know me long enough where i didnt feel comfortable blurting out i have herpes. i felt like he would instantly be turned off and not like me anymore. he was confused why i always turned down the chance we could have sex, i mean we had sleepovers, usually its bound to happen, but i just coudnt find the right way or words to not scare him away, so i lost my chance, because now hes gone, back in the marines. hes gone for 2.5 years straight in hawaii, no more visits back home, so we said our goodbyes and that was that, it was hard, because we got so close so quick, and we built up such strong feelings for one another without sex, so it meant a lot but it all got screwed up because he had to leave, i dont know why i did this to myself and met him if i knew he wouldnt be coming back for so long, but we hung out one time (thought nothing of it) but no, we hit it off, connected on a whole different level. i was falling for him. but it doesnt matter anyways now, because as soon as he got to hawaii he was distant, and i tried contacting him, he was short, and not the same guy, like i felt like i didnt know him anymore. but we dont talk anymore. thats a whole other story. but bottom line is i hate feeling scared, i really liked this guy and wish i had the chance to just enjoy having sex and maybe bringing us closer, but i couldnt take the fact or guilt if god forbid he caught it, he'd hate me. i didnt want to lose him over that but either way it doesnt matter because i lost him as it is. once again im back to being alone.

 

i dont know, im just in a very emotional state right now, i wish i could just change, but i and everyone know i will never get that chance in a million years, this is who i am now and always will be. some comments would make me feel a little better right about now, does anyone feel the way i feel?

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I remember feeling a lot like you describe. I haven't been raped, so I can't begin to imagine what that's like. But i do know my own version of intense suffering, of wishing things would go back to the way they were. But you know what? None of us will ever be the way we were. Moment by moment, we change. Our life experience teaches us and opens us up to who we truly are.

 

That said, I urge you to go to your local rape crisis center and ask for help if you haven't already. You'll be amazed at how much that will help you heal. There is so much love and heartfelt support there. I volunteered as a rape crisis counselor for about 6 months. It was a beautiful experience, even amidst all the pain and suffering and anger and heartbreak. Sometimes immense pain and suffering can open us up to more beauty and acceptance in our lives (if we allow it to). One thing I want you to know about the rape specifically is to not call yourself a victim. That gives all your power away, even in this moment. You are strong. You are beautiful. You are courageous. Your life begins again in each and every moment. You get to decide how to continue.

 

And as for herpes? That will work itself out in the same process you are continuing through learning to love and accept yourself as you are. It's the same process. Once you truly realize on a deep level who you are, that will begin to shift how you relate to others and will allow them to see you on a deeper level, too. I have so much trust in your own process and that time will take care of itself. No matter how long it takes, you are on the path. Don't look to clock time for an answer of how long it will take. Look to your own heart and ask what it needs. That will tell you your next step.

 

Here are a whole slew of quotes I'd like to share with you, said by people whose hearts I trust.

 

"When we come close to those things that break us down, we touch those things that also break us open. And in that breaking open, we uncover our true nature." ~Wayne Muller

 

"You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you." - Sri Ram

 

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." Mahatma Gandhi

 

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. — Anais Nin

 

I am strong because I've been weak.

I am fearless because I've been afraid.

I am wise because I've been foolish.

 

At any given moment you have the power to say this is not how the story is going to end. 

 

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.  (Kenji Miyazawa)

 

Suffering is given to you that you might open your eyes to the truth.  Anthony Demello

 

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? (Kahlil Gibran)

 

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” — Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

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Hi,

 

I just wanted to drop in and tell you that I have experienced so many of those emotions and had those moments of feeling like life was over. What a terrible feeling. It saddens me to think of how upset and defeated you are feeling. I want to give you a hug and tell you what a beautiful person you are.

I understand that you were scared to disclose having herpes to the guy in the marines. I'm asking you to please let others in though, and give them the opportunity of knowing you. Herpes does not define you. It truly doesn't. And the stories we make up in our heads are frequently way worse than the reactions/acceptance people would

have in real life.

 

I want to resonate all the words in Adrial's heartfelt response.

"Once you truly realize on a deep level who you are, that will begin to shift how you relate to others and will allow them to see you on a deeper level, too. I have so much trust in your own process and that time will take care of itself. No matter how long it takes, you are on the path."

 

yes, yes, yes.

 

You are on the path. Please continue your path with an open heart. The world needs it.

 

Lots of love, *hug*

-Katie

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