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Taken A Turn For The Worse


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Hello. I need you to know I feel very alone right now.

 

I was diagnosed a few days ago. I thought I was doing well and I thought I could do this. I've just cried for the first time since the clinic in my epsom salts bath. I feel so lonely it's like a thousand knives of pain in my stomach. I just want to curl up and disappear. I know in time I might find someone who will understand this but, I just feel hopeless.

 

I felt bad in the bath but my mum coming in made it worse. When she saw me crying there silently, I just wanted to hear that the future will be okay, and it's not that bad, and it will get better.

 

But she instead says things like "I didn't think I would do this" "well, you did it and have to suffer the consequences" "it's like you don't really care" (when I was trying to be positive and not let it get to me.) I said to her "have you ever considered that I acted like that because inside I was terrified and felt like the only choice I had was to be strong?"

 

I also told her I just needed a little empathy, I'm in a fragile place and need to try to overcome this, not be reprimanded and made again to feel like this is all my fault and be given life lessons about everything I did wrong. She also says things like I should not tell ANYONE as its a shameful thing, and when I try to talk to her about disclosing to future partners she says things like 'WELL, there's a huge stigma. WELL, herpes is seen as a dirty, sl*tty thing. I'd be very careful if I were you."

 

It hurts me so much because my mum and I are so close and I understand she is trying to come to terms with it too and she is a worried parent, but I don't think she realises what she says hurts me so much, and weakens my already weak belief that I can get better. If my own mum can't understand then will I have to convince other people 300% before they even consider me as a person again?

 

 

 

 

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I just feel so bad. I really, really was trying to be positive but I guess that was too good to be true. It's amazing how fragile I actually am that words from someone I love can destroy any hope I have of having a normal future. And it's only been a few days. Please tell me the beginning is the worst of it, because I'm not sure I can cope if it goes downhill from here.

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@EllaMight

You are going to be Okay. This is sooooo new to you and it's raw and fresh. The early days are the hardest by far and I have to say, you are light years ahead of most at this stage in your new diagnosis. Sometimes mom's can be harsh and not so understanding. They can project their own feelings, insecurities and fears on to their children. Unfortunately our parents are not immune to ignorance (my mother often does the same to me about all kinds of things). Remember this.... you are the same Ella you were before. You aren't dirty and you did nothing wrong. You are beautiful and sexy and lovable. This will pass and you will grow stronger tomorrow than you are today. Cry, let it out. Grieve, get mad, be sad, do whatever you need to do to release the pain and fear. Then.....get up, dust yourself off and STAND TALL. Fuck the stigma. Own your reality and keep loving yourself. It does get easier and one day you will look back and see that herpes is your gift, it will elevate you to new levels and allow you to see people and relationships in a whole new light. I hope your mom comes around and sees how misinformed she is..... but even of she doesn't, don't allow her to bring you down or define you in any negative way. That's HER shit, not yours.

Look yourself in the mirror and repeat after me.... "Ella you are perfectly imperfect and I love you"

 

 

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I need to get to bed, but I just want to add one thing right now ( I will be back when I can type more coherently) but I suggest that you get your mother to come onto the forum ... we have a section for H- partners and family and I think it might help her to know the truth - both so she can support you better AND because I am sure she is worried that you won't find happiness in the future now and that's just her own "ignorance" (because she's uneducated about H) showing through ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

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