I didn't tell him I have herpes and I just can't.

[flygirl0617]

Who else has created the same mess I have?

 

I hooked up with this guy a year and a half ago on New Year's. I've got all the excuses.....I was drunk, I was emotional, I was hormonal...you know them. But I also figured it was just a hookup so who cares (not that that makes it okay). Well months later, he starts texting me and we start dating. We only slept together a few more times while we got to know each other and tried to make a relationship work. I still wasn't sure I wanted to be in a relationship with him. I didn't see a future with him. It was almost an emotional affair for me. Augh, and I work with him.

 

Anyway, we ended up not talking much the past several months but we still casually chatted and we see each other at work every now and then. Well last week he invited me to his parent's place to spend time with him. (To keep it simple, we are both pilots so he was visiting his parents for the week in Texas and asked me to come out to spend time with him. Consequently, that meant meeting his parents). We didn't sleep together while down there. I told him that's not why he came. This guy has been on my mind for almost a year now and I'm starting to see that he's actually a great guy and I could have a future with him. We had an amazing time and his parents are wonderful. I'm not quite sure where we stand right now. We've causally talked since but we've both been working so he hasn't asked me to hang out again.

 

I never told him I have H. And I can't. I just can't. How could he ever forgive me if I did? I know it's the right thing to do but I am just so tired of being unhappy. I just want to be normal. I met someone over the winter and told him and he couldn't accept it. Before that, I've told 4, 3 of whom accepted it. With those guys, I've never spread it to anyone. I am always careful. Because the truth is, herpes is no big deal, it's just a skin condition. I rarely have outbreaks.

 

But how can I date someone I've never told? What if he gets it? What if we get married and he finds out I've betrayed him? I'm a good person. Obviously not on this subject, but I am a good person. I've always done the right thing. I don't sleep around and I don't deserve this. And he doesn't deserve me not telling him. He's a good man but I just want to be happy. I don't want this to end. Everyone around me is married and having babies and I've never had anything close to a happy relationship. I've tried so hard. I try to be open, I've tried online dating. I am so busy with work that it is hard. I've finally found someone that maybe I could have something with but I've done the worst thing I could possibly do and I know the solution is to end it because I've screwed up.

 

I know what I should do. I know I should tell him but I can't. I know I should at least cut and run and not carry on anything with him but I don't want to. I just want to be normal. I want there to be a cure. I want to find someone who tells me they have it too so I don't have to go through this. I can't tell anyone about this so this was the only place I could vent to. I just need some support.

[WCSDancer2010]

@flygirl0617

 

First ... Hello and Welcome!

 

I want to preface my answer with this: Anything I say is nothing personal.... but as the Forum Mom my job sometimes is to help people to get their Big Girl/Boy Panties on ... so be prepared for a little Tough Love, ok?

 

I think you know what you need to do. Because if you have read anything on this forum at all you will have figured out that we support honesty and full disclosure on here. Even when the outcome may not be what you want it to be. There are several reasons for this:

 

1) Most of us got this virus thanks to someone who didn't tell us they had it. Many didn't know they had it and it wasn't necessarily their "fault". Some knew but were misinformed about asymptomatic shedding and what that means for our partners. A few just outright lied/withheld what they knew for fear of being rejected by us. And a small handful were informed took the risk and lost the Herpes Crap Shoot anyway. Those who get it after being informed generally tend to adjust to the diagnosis much better than those who got it unwittingly, because on top of the diagnosis is the feeling of a breach of TRUST ... even when it was during a casual hook-up.

 

Be honest here.... however you got it, wouldn't YOU have wanted to know beforehand so you could have made the CHOICE to proceed... and maybe even have changed the course of your life by using condoms or learning enough about the virus to understand more about how to take measures to protect yourself even if you are with a H+ partner? Do you think that your fear of disclosure would be different if someone had disclosed to you (even though you got it)? Think about that for a minute.

 

2) A solid partnership of any kind is based on TRUST. Trust is built when you are able to be honest and transparent with your partner, even when you know that they may not react well to that honesty. For instance, I was married for 20ish years .. and about half way through that time I went on a trip for a few days, and asked my then hubby to do some things for me while I was gone. When I returned I asked if he had done them and he said yes ... when it was apparent that he had not. I actually got more upset with the lie than the fact that he didn't do it ... I mean, if he lied about something that small, what else would he lie about? It took me awhile to get over that ... and it taught ME so much about "little white lies" and how they can come back to bite you on the ass. So right now this relationship is not based on trust or integrity and until that is restored, there will always be the potential for it to blow up in your face.

 

and 3) I've found that in the long run people who deserve to be in your life will respect you MORE for being honest even when they don't like the answer at the moment. Anyone who understands the Human Condition gets that we f*ck up and make messes and do things that we normally wouldn't because we fear the reaction of others. But if they catch you in a lie, it's just plain NOT going to go well for you at all. Better to suck it up, tell the truth, and deal with the consequences. You have a better chance that once they get over their hurt and anger, that they will come back and give you a second chance to earn their trust back.

 

Yes, Herpes is just a skin condition. But it comes with a stigma attached and there are a limited number of people who get a really bad rap with it where they have to live with neuropathy and other complications for a very long time, if not for life. The resentment that goes with getting H is magnified 100-fold for them because the virus just doesn't give them any rest. It's hard enough for them to go from day to day dealing with the pain/discomfort ... but add the feeling of betrayal on top and it's a recipe for other things like depression, anxiety, and other mental issues.

 

So like it or not, I just plain have to put this out there: Put those Big Girl Panties on and tell him. If you cut and run you won't see him anyway and he will be left wondering what the hell happened ... so just go in assuming that he will choose to end things ... and really, that is his right at this point. BUT, we have seen time and again on here that there ARE amazingly compassionate people out there who are capable of seeing through their partners frailty and fears of rejection and who, if that partner means enough to them, will ultimately forgive them over time. And if not, well, consider it a lesson learned, lick your wounds, and do better next time.

 

One thing you have to realize: We ALL have things we are afraid to reveal to others for fear of rejection.... and we ALL have to disclose things that may cause others to reject us from time to time. Herpes just seems to magnify those fears thanks to the ignorance and lack of education in the public arena. But the point is we are FAR from alone in this.... AND ... there is a kind of empowerment to owning all those "faults" that you have that others may "reject" you for, and learning to love yourself and live with them, realizing that in general, rejection is a reflection on the OTHER person and not you.....

 

This guy DESERVES to know, both for his own sexual health AND for anyone he may meet in the future (if he chooses to walk away). Now, to be frank, IMO he should have also brought up the topic of STD's and Safe Sex too before you did the horizontal Mambo, but ultimately you need to take ownership for withholding your status from him and accept however he reacts .... take the lesson, and move forward.

 

Noone "deserves" Herpes. It's an Equal Opportunity virus that doesn't care if you are a virgin when you get it or if you regularly take part in orgies and whatever. It's opportunistic and sneaky and that's why it's been around so long. The thing is, a life well lived includes risk, and sometimes we lose the crap shoot. What we DO with that is how we show the world who we really are....

 

We are here for you to support you no matter what you choose to do.... we are all human beings, being human... warts, herpes, and all ... *smiles*

 

(((HUGS)))

[fitgirl]

What @WCSDancer2010 said :)

 

To add to that perfect post I would just like to say this.... you already know the answer to this problem. It totally sucks to have herpes and have to deal with these moments in life BUT this could be the exact moment you discover what real love is.... you have to give it to receive it and that starts with honesty and FULL disclosure. Love doesn't come easy at the best of times, don't use herpes as an excuse not to take a chance on it.

[bird]

Hey @flygirl0617, WCSDancer has advice down to the penny.

 

All I can add is that I was just recently in your shoes -- except it was only a week before I confessed (after the fact). Still, I honestly understand your concern/fear for losing him. I lost my guy promptly upon telling him. In those few weeks we started communicating and hanging out, I developed some intense feelings for him. I am surprised how much I am feeling the loss. But, I am grateful to have gotten the truth out of the way.

 

What I wish I had done differently is not disclosed so darned emotionally. I feel like if I hadn't acted so damn ashamed (as if it was ALL my fault - we never discussed and he never asked me, let alone used a condom), his reaction wouldn't have been so strong and acting like he was a total victim.

 

A week later after disclosing I am starting to feel my own anger towards him in that he has refused to take any responsibility for himself. He believes it was flat out 100% up to me to disclose or delay sex. But he seems to forget just how much he pushed for it in the first place, when I hadn't necessarily. Also, we had brought out a bottle of white wine, but it was he who initiated the 'drinking game' and I being a total light-weight, got pretty drunk/tipsy. That's when he made his move, not to say that I did not want it. And, honestly, I think I also sorta dismissed him as a bit of a 'player' and thus didn't take him (& his health) seriously enough(ie, lost a little respect for him).

 

But sometimes that's just life, too many factors influencing an event too quickly.

 

What I realized later, when I came back down to Earth, is that I had a responsibility to humanity: I had to inform him for many of the reasons WCSDancer listed, including health of others. But also to reduce contributing to or perpetuating the negative feelings that are borne when someone learns later that they have contracted it from someone, but that someone was never honest/upfront with them. That is a major part in the bitter and shameful stigma.

 

I am still here (emotionally) suffering the consequences of my inability to be more responsible. But I feel that I know I will never make that mistake again. If I had allowed myself to keep it secret, I believe it would only be easier to continue to lie or forgo disclosure again. It's okay to make a mistake, but once you start making excuses yourself and procrastinating your responsibility, that's when it starts to undermine your integrity. Integrity does seem to have lost its value in popular culture, but it will never lose value to yourself. Integrity is a powerful virtue if you want to be the best version of yourself and life.

[StillMeButWiser]

Would it soften the blow if you suggest to him, before we go any further lets get std tested? And have it come out that way. Hey you never know, he might be a carrier.

[WCSDancer2010]

Would it soften the blow if you suggest to him, before we go any further lets get std tested? And have it come out that way. Hey you never know, he might be a carrier.

 

Sorry @stillmebutwiser but I *personally* see that as perpetuating the lie ... if anything, compounding it to be honest. Yes, of course he may be a carrier... odds are he at least has HSV1 orally. But that's not the point. This is about helping @flygirl0617 to clean up her integrity and to give this guy the truth...piling a lie on top of a lie just puts you deeper in the shit. Of course, if that is the way she does it, it's her prerogative .... but it's not a route that we would encourage on here.....

 

Yes, 'fessing up when you screw up sucks. It's not easy and it often results in lost relationships... but in my experience the more I've cleaned up my life, the lighter I've felt in the long run....and the stronger I've become. ;)

[Namaste333]

Wow I feel for you. I met a guy I clicked with recently and I was really into him. We went out for drinks and came back to his house and before you know it clothes were off and we had sex. now he's trying to hang out and I'm just mortified ..how could I have been so stupid? I never want anyone to go through the pain I went through ...and to someone I care about? Even worse. I really am just filled to my core with guilt for not disclosing there is no excuse. I feel sickened to my stomach and it is hard for me to connect with him on a romantic level when I have such guilt in me. I feel like a fucked up person. this feeling won't go away. I can't own up to it either ...how would he react? He would hate me....I don't know what to do. I hate that my sexuality is so broken..it hurts my soul deeply...I just want to be normal again.

[2Legit2Quit]

Just so you guys know, my best guy friends ex wife didn't tell him she had it for 3yrs. Obviously he wasn't happy about it, but they were together for 7 total. I asked him to be honest, would he ever be w someone who has herpes again and he said yeah, it's not that big of a deal. He didn't catch it either BTW. Give people the benefit of the doubt, they may surprise you.

 

There is a guy from another forum who I gave advise to, and he learned a week after sleeping w someone, from her friend, that she had it. He was more concerned about how she felt, then his risk. He said he doesn't care and she's worth the risk and that was only after 4 dates.

 

Fear and guilt is the scariest part than the rejection. Just like the anticipation of jumping out of a plane was scarier for me, than once we actually left the plane. Anticipation that drags on, will only compound your fears and anxieties more. Just take the leap of faith now, because your fear is reaching epic proportions and you may never follow through and be left w the guilt forever. Do you really want that on your shoulders?

[WCSDancer2010]

I feel like a fucked up person. this feeling won't go away. I can't own up to it either ...how would he react? He would hate me....I don't know what to do. I hate that my sexuality is so broken..it hurts my soul deeply...I just want to be normal again.

 

Well, how do you KNOW he would "hate" you? To be honest, if he did is he the kind of man you want to be with? Of course he may well not be very happy, and he's entitled to feel that way. AND, a compassionate man would at least understand that this must be a really difficult thing for you to talk about, even if he chooses to walk away.

 

So - question. Did HE bring up the subject of STD's? Condoms? Safe Sex? Or did he ply you with drinks, take you back to his place, and put all his moves on you? Because IMO if the other person doesn't at least *try* to have a conversation about STD's, they have at least *some* part of the responsibility for putting themselves at risk. Now if they ask and you lie that's a different thing. But my way of being is that we all are responsible for OUR personal sexual health and too many people don't bring up the STD subject, and too many don't use condoms.

 

Now, that doesn't take away YOUR responsibility here .... I just want you to realize that this was a Two-Person-Screw-Up. AND, because you know your status and you understand the ramifications of not having that conversation, its up to you to clean up your mess and take whatever his reaction is as part of the lesson.

 

Honey - you ARE normal! You just have a virus as your co-pilot. NOTHING ELSE is different about you from anyone else! You are just allowing this virus to give you a reason to buy into all the little voices we ALL have in our heads that we aren't good enough, sexy enough, skinny enough, whatever. And you really need to get this. YOU ARE ENOUGH. And a real man will see that and won't let a little virus stop him from being with you :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Brenee Brown

 

If we can quiet it (shame) down and walk in and say "I'm going to do this" we look up and the critic that we see pointing and laughing 99% of the time is who? US! .... Shame drives two big tapes... "Never good enough" ... and if you can talk it out of that one .. "Who do you think you are?"

 

Kirsty Spraggon Ted Talk “You are only as Sick as Your Secrets

 

Shame

 

 

Vulnerability