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Six month after herpes diagnosis still struggling with some thoughts

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I still don’t see how I will ever be able to relax and have a fullfilling sexlife with being hsv2+ if I don’t find someone who already has it.

Physicaly i don’t have so much trouble with the h, didn’t have a noticalbe outbreak since, but I’m still pretty unsure about noticing prodomes without being to paranoid about every little itching or something else.

I’m not in a relationship or near it, but I’m worrying way to much about my sexlife, every day …

I don’t know how I will ever be ok with the fact that there always will be a risk left regardless of the precaution you take and to be honest the thoughts of using condoms for the rest of my life for oral or normal sex, still makes me feel realy depressed. I know that oral isn’t that much of an issue with ghsv2 but there will be always some slight risk, I’m afraid that nobody ever will make the decision to have unprotected oralsex with me, I think I’m even not allowed to want this to happen and I hate it that nothing about sex is my decision anymore I have to hope that somebody will be ok with that and I can only say what I would like to have but in the end it’s not my decision. I know even without herpes it’s the same but in a different way, I could be upset about not getting oralsex and say that but with herpes I feel like I’m not allowed to complain about anything. I don’t know if you get what I want to say, it’s not so easy for me to express my thoughts in English(not my native language)

It’s not that I wouldn’t enjoy for example a blowjob with a condom, not as much as without, but why is the thought that I maybe or never? can enjoy this again without putting someone at risk depressing me so much, there are other ways to have fun without being unsafe but why does this hole thing of having sex with hsv2 makes me feel so bad, depressed whatever …


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why does this hole thing of having sex with hsv2 makes me feel so bad, depressed whatever …


Hello and Welcome!


It's because you have bought into the stigma ... you have let your beliefs cloud your thinking. And that is normal - even after 6 months you are still somewhat "new" to this ... so be patient with yourself. Hang on here and read all you can. I'll give you some links from guys who have had Successful Disclosures that turned into relationships with H- girls on here...


The more you get "used" to having Herpes the easier it will get. When you know what your outbreaks are like and you feel more in control you will feel better. And at some point a cute girl (or guy...you didn't mention which you are attracted to!) will come along and you will just plain have to go outside your comfort zone at some point and take a risk. We've all been there and believe me, you CAN find love with a H- person. I have - 3 times :)


Now as for condoms and blowjobs - not necessary with HSV2! Just make sure you are careful to not play if there is *any* chance you are having an OB or if your partner has any sores in their mouth or in their immune system is weakened...


The bottom line is that ALL sex somes with some risk ... period. Some get lucky and never get one, others don't - but here in the USA 1 in 6 has HSV2 - that's a LOT of people. 4 out of 5 have HSV1 orally... which can be passed to the genitals through oral sex... so the few who manage to go through their lives without one or the other (or BOTH, like me!) is pretty rare. And honey, a life well lives will have a lot of things happen that are a risk ... and sometimes we just get unlucky. If you were in a car accident would you feel ashamed? Dirty? Whatever? Because the risk of getting in a car accident is about the same as getting an STD with protection.... understand?


Check these links out and come on here when you need support - we are here for you my friend :)





http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3439/tonight-is-my-night NSgreenville (male)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3983/successful-disclosure-male-to-female xrcb 8/12 male to female rainyfeather


http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4879/when-to-disclose male to female success



Oral Sex discussion Dr Leone:





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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey, thanks again for answering WCSDancer, not my first post ^^


I know that for HSV2 the risk of transmission to oral is really low, my problem is before my diagnosis I only notice some small sores, had one swab that was negative 2 years ago, for a long time I believed they were not herpes related after the swab, but later I got them a few more times at the same spot but everytime “without prodomes” , so I took a blood test after i already read up a lot about herpes.


How can I be sure that there is no chance I’m having an outbreak if I never get prodomes? Don’t know if only closely looking before I engage in oralsex would be enough, even then I’m pretty clueless about how the skin ( I got these sores on my glans) should look like, because it’s not “normal skin”.


I know 6 months is not a long time, but I just don’t see how I can ever get “used” to have it or feel in control of it, one problem more is that here in Germany I don’t seem to find a doctor who would prescribe medication for suppressive reasons, which would make it easier for me to relax if I ever will be in a relationship again. I still don’t believe that I find a woman who would be ok with the small risk of unprotected oralsex, I think it is just to much to expect that from somebody and only hoping just seems awkward and helpless. Why can’t I just be ok with the fact that I will never experience this again, would be easier for me than being depressed everytime I think about sex because of one thing out of all the possibiltys of sex. But I just can’t stop worrying about oralsex, why? If I don’t get over it, and be somehow happy again in general and about what I can still safely do sexual, I wouldn’t find a girlfriend anyway. But how do I get there, I don’t know.


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Do you drive? Ride in a car? Because if you do, you risk DYING or KILLING someone else every day... but we all do it and we hopefully don't allow those facts to stop us from going out and living life!


You need to get it in your head that your risk of dying in a car accident is about double than your risk of passing HSV2 to your partner orally ... yet you would take your girlfriend in a car down the Autobahn without thinking twice, yes????


In both cases, you do what you can to reduce your risks (with the car, you hopefully maintain it including the tires and brakes, you wear seatbelts, you drive slower in bad conditions, etc ... with HSV you maintain your health/lower stress where possible/monitor prodromes/etc) and you and your partner are aware of the risks and then you LIVE LIFE knowing that sometimes, you lose the crap shoot.... because to do otherwise is a pretty crappy existence. I'm not religious but I do agree with the saying that sometimes you gotta "Let go and let God" ... because we can't control everything and to try to do so limits your life sooo much!


How can I be sure that there is no chance I’m having an outbreak if I never get prodomes? Don’t know if only closely looking before I engage in oralsex would be enough, even then I’m pretty clueless about how the skin ( I got these sores on my glans) should look like, because it’s not “normal skin”.


And outbreak is just shedding on steroids .... so you will KNOW when you have an OB - but you may now know when you are shedding. In order to pass the virus to another, many things have to line up:


* Big enough "viral load" (ie, odds are everyone that is sexually active HAS been exposed to the virus but usually it's a small enough amount for their body to kill it before it establishes).


* The other person may have a knick or cut that makes for a "super highway" to their body for the virus to get in ...


* The other person's immune system may be compromised either permanently or temporarily.


* The preferred location of the virus


So - if you have HSV2, and you are not having an active OB, odds are you are not shedding much ... if you make sure your partner doesn't perform on you when they have any kind of cuts/sores, or when they are sick, then the risk of HSV2 transfering to their mouth is VERY low. ..


AGAIN... only 1% of all HSV2 cases are oral H2 .... that's a miniscule number of people.


So if you are going to obsess about this, perhaps you shouldn't drive a car either.... because your odds of something going wrong are FAR higher there than you giving your partner oral HSV2 as long as you just stay aware of the necessary precautions :)



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  • 2 weeks later...

you are absolutly right, there are always risks in life but it feels strange if someone has to take a risk, even if it is really small, only because i want something, if the other wants it also then it should be ok, but atm i don't see why somebody would want to take the risk, and this time i'm not talking only about oralsex, i don't want to have sex with condoms for the rest of my life, sex with condoms is still better than no sex but without is sooooo much better, oralsex even more, and i also have problems with them because of my foreskin but there is no way i will get circumcized, never.

I don't think i'm going to obsess about the small risk of oralsex but i'm afraid a future girlfriend would and even more about the "normal" sex, i don't want to limit my sexlife because of this unimportant virus but it seems this isn't in my hands anymore i can only hope to met the right person, but there are only a few success stories of men and only one of them mentioned that they have oralsex and normal sex without condoms, this doesn't fuel my hope. It seems that to much luck is needed to find a person who fits to you and is ok with the herpes in general and then with no condoms ... i feel i have to accept that this will never happen.

The main problem is not that it will probably be like that, but why does it make me feel so bad, there are people who can never have sex again because they are disabled or injured and i'm sitting here and feel bad about my condition and that i have to use condoms every or most of the time. If i don't get over it how should i ever find a girlfriend when i'm so upset because of this, that is far away from being attractive.


On condoms again, i'm ok with them as birthcontrol but if they are only used because of herpes, if other stds have been rolled out, i don't like the fact that my partner have to be protected from me, i know it's not me but herpes, and i don't feel sexy with this thought and as a male if you have distracting or in this case also bloodusing thoughts like that ...

Also that as a male the risk is twice as much just annoys me and sure there are more women who have this, one reason why there aren't so much success stories of men, but i read more, not only here, that women are often more concerned about getting herpes than men, don't make me feel good about being a male with hsv2, ok i have a higher chance of meeting some girl who has it too, but for the h- girls it seems it lessens my chances, for a relationship or a good sexlife, way to much.


btw i don't have a driver license :D



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Hi @bootox, I can feel your pain when I read this rant and wanted to jump in a shed light on a few things... I understand why you are feeling so down about all of this, and I understand that it's scary to wonder if anyone will ever be ok with accepting this risk, and sharing very intimate moments with you, without any sort of protection ( a lot of women don't enjoy condoms either), but I am here to tell you that one day, somebody or many women will... but you have you to find a way to come to terms with that truth... If you consistently dwell on "this will never happen for me again" and "why would anyone ever want to risk this for me", then your chances of ever finding that someone who will accept this will likely not be in your favour... you have to practice every day to change the way you think. You have believe that you are worth the risk, that everything else that you have to offer someone is worth this very minimal risk, cause no one is exactly like you. From my perspective, and I could be very wrong, but this is a matter of self-love. I was diagnosed last September, and after being immediately rejected by someone who I thought was very special, I was crushed and felt the exact same way as you do right now. But I decided that I was not going to allow the stigma to define my worth. Nothing about me had changed as a person, and I still had so many wonderful qualities to offer someone special. It wasn't easy. In fact, it was the most difficult personal challenge i have faced... Every day, I decided to tell myself why I was worth it, I reminded myself how lucky I was to live this beautiful life, I found gratitude for the most simple things, because in the grand scheme of life, herpes is not that big of a deal. I focused on what made me special, and I found a tremendous sense of self-worth and self-love. I believed I was worth it, and I knew that when someone recognized that worth, that it would be ok, and they would accept me for everything that is perfectly imperfect about me... not just herpes, btw. And to be honest, the man, and in your case, that woman, will be a compassionate, open, and caring person for looking past the stigma and the minor risk... They will also understand that shit happens in life, and far worse things can happen then getting herpes, and will not be phased by this virus. All great qualities to have in a significant other. It doesn't mean those that choose to walk away aren't... everyone has their own choices to make, and it's not a reflection on you. Anyways, all that to say, I met my man... and he has surpassed any expectations that I could have ever imagined. There are countless men who have found partners that have been accepting as well... If you find love within yourself, if you understand and appreciate your own worth even with herpes, and act in ways that validate your own worth... you will meet someone who see all of that and more and won't blink at the thought of being with you. It's a process, and the first step is understanding exactly what you have to offer, and believing it, committing your heart to it. The rest will come. Decide today that you are worth and stop beating your mind and heart into a negative place... nothing good comes from that. Believe you are worthy, because you are, everyone in this world is.

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there are only a few success stories of men and only one of them mentioned that they have oralsex and normal sex without condoms, this doesn't fuel my hope.


Well that's because of a couple things ....


1) Women get it twice as much as men because of all the lovely places we have for it to hang out when we are exposed

2) Men generally don't reach out for help ... in the last 2 or 3 H Opp weekends I think out of a total of 36 participants, only about 3 were men.


So it doesn't mean it's not happening for men, it's just that they don't tend to come to forums like this to support others. But we DO have several solid guys on here who have found love (Including our beloved @Adrial who has an ADORABLE H- girlfriend (I met her at the last H Opp weekend).


And you really don't HAVE to use condoms the rest of your life. Most of us don't once the relationship is firmly established. ;)


Even if you don't have a DL, you get the point, yes? There are things we do WITH friends and family and partners where WE may be the cause of something happening to them .... it's just that automobiles/driving is the easiest one for most people to relate to.


A well lived life assumes risk..... and IMO, us KNOWING we have Herpes actually gives us an edge in that most people acquire Herpes from people who have no idea they have it or are poorly informed about how it spreads. So we KNOW to be careful and monitor our bodies and such.


In the end, you have a CHOICE. Allow a virus to "ruin" your life, or look at it as you would an unintended houseguest that you can't get rid of. You learn to live with it, do what you can to keep it from going on a rampage, and let other "visitors" know that you may have to deal with the little bugger once in awhile.




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@bootox I very much understand that men worry a lot about their "junk". They worry if they are big enough, hard enough, using it right, of the women are satisfied, if the women will satisfy them..... with all the pressures surrounding men and their penises, adding herpes to the list can be pretty traumatic. BUT.... the reality is, women don't think so much about your penis! Most women (the good ones anyway) are more interested in who you are as a man. Are you considerate, loving, honest, supportive.... ? Sex is an important part of a relationship but it's hardly number one on the list so if you focus on being the best man you can be, the herpes thing won't be much of an issue. Stop focusing on your penis and start focusing on everything you have to offer as a person. GOOD men meet GOOD women and herpes is not a deal breaker when that happens :)

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@bootox, my ex husband had warts and initially I used condoms during oral sex & eventually was OK w out them and never got it. People will see your worth the risk. I knew my exea diagnosis before we ever had sex and although I waited longer than I normally would to have had sex, there was still no question that I wanted to stick around w him, just needed time to feel comfortable and feel reassured we were moving forward for the long haul. You are waaaaayyy over thinking this, but we all do at times. I even have moments once in a blue moon and usually pm Dancer about it, as I'm not as fond about showing my moments of weakness, as I'm used to always being the strong one for people. 6 months in, I was still anxious about it, but more relaxed than you are now. I am 1 mo th put from my one yr and o have to many friends that have herpes long before I got it and are all married to people that are H negative. Sometimes I get in my head too, just don't stay there.

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@bootox also keep in mind that sex even I'm a relationship w someone else is ALWAYS a risk even if both parties are STD free. You are trusting a person to neevr cheat and told bringing something back home to you. I have a few friends who got it that way. W sex there will always be a risk. You still koss someone who gets cold sores right? So why is it any different? You gotta stop getting caught up in the stigma....

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This is going to sound silly - but have you tried using different condoms? I am female, but past partners and I have tried different ones and some suck and feel terrible, and others aren't so bad. My current partner and I use skyn ones and really its not a big deal.

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thank you all for your answers they shedded some light


like everyone i have good and bad days, my last post was the result of a couple of bad days in a row.

it's not that i believe i'm not worth the risk and i don't think herpes is a deal breaker for a serious relationship but maybe for condomless sex because 10% chance per year for male to female transmission is not a minor risk anymore in my opinion, and here in germany it seems they don't prescribe medication for suppressive therapie only episodic and if i'm not able to recognize outbreaks or prodomes i think it would be higher than 10% and yet i don't know how to handle this monitoring your body without being paranoid and thinking to much about herpes that's really a big problem for me the responsibility of being aware.

It's like a paradoxon for me, on the one hand you want to keep the risk as minimal as possible and that would lead to condoms for everythink maybe gloves .... but on the other hand you don't want to lessen the enjoyment of sex and condoms and other precautions defenitly takes away some of the pleasure/fun.

I know sex is not the most important thing in a relationship and it's not all about my junk :D but as a male when it comes to sex you feel the most with your junk.

But your are right there a far worse things than herpes that can happen in life it's only a annoying skincondition and in the end a future girlfriend and i decide together how cautious we should be.

It just seems hard to handle and i don't know how to behave if i'm in a relationship, for example would it be ok for me to bring up the idea of not using condoms anymore, for oral and normal sex, or should i defenitly wait till she brings it up and if not, saying nothing and not complaining about?

What if i'm still not aware of my body should i wait thinking about a relationship till i am?

Or just doing some extra precaution till i am ?

I'm really afraid that i will never be this aware of my body :(


@2Legit2Quit how long did u wait until you stopped using condoms for oral with your exhusband? did you said someday it's ok without them or did your exhusband brought up the idea? and yeah sure i would kiss someone wo gets coldsores, never had them, but i just assume to have them because my 2 years younger brother has them since he is 2 years old and nearly everybody has type 1 i think here in germany >90% have it. But you are right in the end it's not that big difference if it is type 1 or 2.


@sanngrior i tried so many different condoms, it's not the feeling, sure without is better than with, i have problems putting them on because of my foreskin when i pull it back there is a big bulge of skin and it's hard to get the condom over it, often it hurts and then my erection is gone and i don't want to get circumsized, never ever. It is always a matter of luck putting them on without pain and loosing my erection. Do you use any protection for oral in your past relationships and your current one?

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hi @bootox, i think once you meet the right person and explain all the facts, that if the connection is really strong, the risk will be a non-issue. Even though the chances are higher from male to female, it doesn't make it any less scary for men to accept this with women... and I think every couple is different, that you should be open about what you prefer and would want, and allow them to do the same. You can decide together if/how you pursue the physical side of your relationship. You can't really assume how someone will react until you have an open and honest discussion with them, and determine how the relationship evolves. I think most start with condoms and antivirals and then as time goes on, they re-evaluate their options. I for one started using condoms and antivirals with my bf, and he is now fine without condoms... that happened after 2 months. I think everyone will be different, but the beginning of the relationship is always trickier cause both people might want to evaluate their level of commitment to one another before assuming greater risks. As for knowing how you body reacts to the virus, it will take time... I am only 9 months out of diagnosis and didn't have any noticeable symptoms, so I had the same concerns... but I do the best that I can with the information that I have. If i suspect anything, I openly discuss it with my bf and we proceed together. I always let my bf know, so that it's not me making any decision alone, we are making the decisions together as to what we feel comfortable with. At the end of the day, you can only do so much, and as long as you are honest and open with the other person about everything, you are giving them the best chance to protect themselves too. It's scary at the beginning, but you'll learn how to manage everything and see that it is actually totally manageable. As long as the person you date is making informed choices, you shouldn't feel like all the weight is all on your shoulders. Just be honest, always, about how you are feeling and what you want, and allow the person the freedom to do the same. You will find the best options that make both of you feel comfortable and make sex very enjoyable.

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The conversation about whether you want to stop using condoms can be brought up by either party ... I'd suggest you start with them (and you really should look into trying the FC2 Female condom given your issues with condoms ... That would at least help for regular sex! ) and agree to re-visit the subject in 6 months time if it doesn't come up more naturally before then... and if you stay with them, agree to another 6 months ...that way if both are not bringing up the subject for some reason, it gets discussed...




Also do you not have Magnum sized condoms there? If not, I bet you can find them on Ebay or online and have them shipped to you :)

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hi thanks for your answer,

but you are still using antivirals? that is one of my concerns that i don't get them here as suppressive therapie, so i'm not able to use a precaution that would cut down the risk by half.

Another thing i'm thinking about is can you get a outbreak without pain, tingling or what ever, everyday i'm wondering is it normal how my glans look likes, i didn't feel any sensations but i'm so clueless and don't find an answer to the questions how it should look like if everythink is fine. I fear there will be no clear answer because the glans looks so different on every man.

I get it that i can't assume how someone would react until i talked about it with them and sure i will always be honest but what if time goes on and there is no re-evaluating of options and for example she wouldn't give me oral without a condom, it feels silly to end a raltionship because of this but in the end i don't want to miss out on that for ever and i would assume that for her i'm not worth this minor risk so there wouldn't be a future for this relationship anyway, or am i making a mistkae here? But maybe in the next realtionship it would be the same ... why does this have to be so complicated ...


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@WCSDancer2010 I'm going to have to graciously disagree w you. The are too porous and I pulled this from planned parenthood site.


What about lambskin condoms?


When it comes to protecting against STDs, there really aren’t a lot of benefits to using a lambskin condom (also called a sheepskin condom). Some people use them because they think they are more “natural,” which may offer an appealing aesthetic.


It’s true that lambskin is natural — “skin” is a euphemism for intestines. Yup, this condom is made from the digestive tract of a sheep. The intestines are the site of the majority of digestion — it is here that foods are blasted with enzymes and broken down into small pieces. When the pieces are small enough, they are absorbed through tiny holes in the intestine’s porous membrane. Intestines, by their very nature, must be permeable — otherwise, malnutrition and starvation would result. So, yes, lambskin condoms are “natural” — and so are the holes through which viruses (also “natural”!) can pass.


According to the FDA, lambskin condoms have not been shown to protect against the passage of viruses, such as HIV, herpes, or human papillomavirus (HPV). In the early 1990s, Trojan-brand lambskin condoms were recalled en masse by the FDA because they didn’t contain adequate labeling. There were reports from customers who had used these condoms and, despite believing they were practicing safer sex, contracted HIV.

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@bootox I wrote down daily in a journal any symptoms I had and triggers, so I could learn my body. You'd be surprised at some funny sensations you may get and not associate it to herpes, unless you pay attention. I can get a crawling sensation, a tickle, my skin feeling more sensitive in a spot, itchy in a specific spot every time ..

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sorry i missed your last post, was responding to PositivelyBeautiful s last post.


the female condmos would be an option, somehow expensive , would be an issue atm because i'm still a student so i'm not having a lot or nearly enough money :D but i don't expect to get near a relationship till i finished my studies.

And yes i tried bigger condoms also other shapes some are just to big i wouldn't feel save with them, best working for me were the condoms with a bigger head part but still some problems left maybe it works better when someone else put them on ;)

Another problem with condoms is using them for oralsex because there aren't so many types or sizes of flavoured or dry condoms and normal condoms always have siliconbased lube on them which tastes awful, maybe there is no need for them i hope so but i don't expect it( stupid adage here in germany: hope for the best but expect the worst)

But everytime i think about the idea of a blowjob with a condom i feel sad, i want to get somehow rid of that feeling.

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@bootox, i think you are jumping way ahead here... i think when you meet someone you want to have a relationship with and you get through disclosure and discuss options, you can assess. If you bring up the conversation after a few months and she doesn't want to stop using condoms, then you can decide if this is how you choose to proceed in your relationship, or if no condoms will be THAT important to you to let her go... it will depend on so many factors, involving how you and this person feel, and so it's hard to speculate what is right and wrong and or what you should do *IF* that happens. Start slow, date, get to know people, practice disclosures, when you are there, and you have those open and honest conversations, you can deal with whatever comes next... don't stress just yet, you have no idea what is around the corner. what if you meet someone who has it too? then all this anxiety would have been in vain. Be present, and live for today, and cross those other bridges when you get there.

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i know you are right, my mum would say " you are thinking about unlayed eggs again!!"

and i somehow think if everything else is fine about the relationship i would be really stupid to end this if she doesn't want to stop using condoms but in my mind there always would be the thought that without it would feel sooooo much better, at least for oralsex i would be pleased with that.

And i always started slow only had one serious relationship and that only when i was 26 and that is annoying me so mcuh about the herpes, i didn't want to wait so long anymore for a relationship but now i have to because of the herpes.

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btw, I am still on antivirals, yes, but i do not intend to stay on them forever, and this is definitely a subject i will bring up with my bf later on, as more time progresses. I know he wouldn't want me to be on them forever either. We are just taking more time to establish our relationship before making those decisions. Have you tried another doctor concerning supressives? some doctors are ok with it and some aren't, but of course, you are more familiar with practices in your country. Also, concerning oral, it's very very rare to get HSV2 oral, so I think once someone is educated on the matter, they won't see that as an issue... but again, it will depend on the person. And, it's possible that you might always be asymptomatic, which means you might never know, and that's something you will have to accept... but the journal might help so it wouldn't hurt to try and see if you notice patterns, etc.

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I was not asymptomatic, before my diagnosis i had some symptoms which lead me to get tested but i didn't have prodomes and only really mild symptoms it was really hard to notice them with my eyes, since my diagnosis i notice nothing but i can't be sure that there really was nothing and that is really disturbing me, how should i ever feel safe again, i will be honest about it to a future girlfriend but i believe then even oralsex sex w out will be of the table forever unless she has it too.



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