Need advice about telling someone I have herpes

[Aim3604]

I was diagnosed with hsv1 genital herpes in November 2011. It was the most painful experience I've ever gone through mentally and physically. I felt betrayed and deceived because the person I was with did not feel it was important to tell me. I was 19.

 

For a few weeks I have been talking to a new guy. We were first attracted to each other but because it is long distance we went further than just conversations. We have exchanged dirty pictures and have talked about having sex the first time we meet and going into detail about things we would do to each other.

 

I will admit at first the fact that I had herpes did not cross my mind until we began having more emotional type conversations about how important honesty is in someone. He is from an area where casual sex and multiple partners is not considered taboo. So he has been open with me about sleeping around but does use condoms every time except with the mother of his child. I feel guilty for not telling him about my situation but i also felt as if he was talking to other girls and the thing with me was not that serious so why would I at this point if we haven't met and he could just lose interest before we do.

 

I had been pulling away because the issue of telling him has been laying heavy on my mind the past few days and even more so because he told me he does like me and isn't talking to any girls where he lives.

 

I know in my head and heart I should tell him and I know hooking up with someone is not exactly romantic, but I don't want to do to someone what someone did to me.

 

My question is, how do I tell someone who has seen me naked and have talked so in depth about sex with that I have genital herpes? Do I do it before we meet in person or in a text. I don't want him to feel as if I've held this information back from him until I felt like I had to tell him.

 

I've only told one boyfriend since my first outbreak that still loved and accepted me and was not bothered sexually by it. But I still get nervous and scared about this confrontation. I really need to resolve this mental conflict because it is making me physically sick to my stomache.

[mr_hopp]

Hi Aim,

 

Even though this guy has seen you naked, the way you disclose will be the same. You're still going to have integrity and honesty. Nothing about that changes. And the whole "how soon to disclose" conversation is a big one on these forums. It sounds like you're ready to disclose. So don't let the fact that you haven't disclosed (yet) be a reason for you to shame yourself. You can disclose now with just as much honor. Have you read the e-book yet? That goes into everything you need to know about how to disclose in a positive way: http://eepurl.com/b4IPP ... Good luck, Aim! And welcome to the site!

[lelani]

Please be careful Aim...its a distance thing and...

 

'So he has been open with me about sleeping around but does use condoms every time except with the mother of his child.'

 

H is not the only thing you need to be concerned about...there are other things you can contract. He sleeps around...full stop. It's not the fact its taboo or not...it is just risky. He is exposing the mother of his child to anything even if he uses condoms..and he is exposing you.

 

The problem with distance is that there is often not a natural progression and things have to be said before you meet...especially with the sexual build up you are engaging in. If you have talked in depth about sex...you have to talk in depth about H...there is no separation. Listen to your body...its telling you something. If you feel sick about not disclosing to him then maybe you need to. You don't need to feel shame...tell him with integrity and you can't go wrong. He may reject herpes but then you will know he's not worthy of you. xx