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feeling alone


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So after I researched about h i felt better finding out it was common. But i feel like its not that common because why do i feel so alone? They say 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 guys have it but i dont feel thats true. Ive heard of one other person i know having it. I keep hoping when i tell a guy he will say "me too" but that never happens. My recruiter has been a recruiter for 11 years, and told me he has never had to deal with this (person with h) before. This just makes me feel more alone. One of the reasons I joined was so i can talk to people who understand because i know im not alone on here. And whenever i see something that says "std free" or being "clean" it makes me almost hate myself for having this. I feel as if guys i tell dont see me the same way which sucks because i want a normal sex life. I know it can be as a filter, but i dont want a serious relationship im so young that i just want to have a fling for now. Is that possible to have a casual sex life with h? I miss how it was before i got it. One last thing, how are you suppose to tell people without making it seem worse than it is, but not like its nothing? I will read more of the forums, so im sorry if i asked things that have already been asked/answered.

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@lostgirlx

 

Well, you are FAR from alone in your feeling of "alone-ness" ... for several reasons.

 

First, no one talks about it. It's a "taboo" subject. People in the USA are the product of a Puritanically-founded society that has been led to believe (despite plenty of "talk" to the contrary) that sex outside of marriage (ESPECIALLY for women) is bad/dirty/sinful and that STD's are the consequence of our "immoral" behavior. So while we may really enjoy our sexual "freedom" when things are going well, that seed has been planted in our past and when we get a STD or we get raped, or any other "bad" sexual experience, that seed sprouts and grows rampantly in our brain, and it's fed by the stigma that society has put on STD's. So, most people won't tell you they have Herpes (even many who have Oral Herpes find shame in it, even though it's generally more accepted in our society).

 

Second, 80% of the population doesn't even KNOW they have it... so they have no reason to tell you or really to even talk about it.... and that's thanks to the CDC's policy on not testing for Herpes in the standard STD panel ...people are blissfully ignorant about this, at least until it hits home when they or a close friend/family member gets it.

 

And odds are your recruiter hasn't dealt with it because most people just won't tell him they have it (and remember 80% won't know they have it anyway!). It's not a dismissable disease so you don't have to disclose it to them.

 

Believe me, I HATE the word "clean" when it comes to STD's but that's what the ignorant use to describe their STD status because they have bought into the belief that only "dirty" people get STD's ....OR, they just aren't thinking of how that would feel to hear to someone who has a STD (which is likely true for many). Truth is, most people are NOT STD free .... the CDC says that anyone who is at all sexually active will get HPV at some point (and you can't test men for it so they won't know most of the time that they have it). Oral HSV1 is a *potential* STD for anyone who enjoys giving oral sex. So between those 2 viruses, most if not all of the sexually active adult population technically isn't STD-free ... and that's a little something you may want to start to tell your friends/whatever when they boast about being STD-free (and that doesn't mean you have to out yourself .... you can just say you read it somewhere ;) ).

 

And yes, all this has been said before on here...LOL ... you can always use the SEARCH option in the upper right, or try the FAQ section, as they are great places to get info, but we are also here to give people INDIVIDUAL support because we know that this is what people need when they are coming to terms with their H status. :)

 

Sow, as for casual sex, it's VERY possible... but you have to let go of YOUR beliefs that you are not "clean", "desirable", "worthy", etc. Herpes just puts a magnifying glass on stuff that was already there .... and we have plenty of proof that casual sex is VERY possible with Herpes. To be honest, (and this is really important to understand) .... ANYONE who is engaging in casual sex really needs to get that they will always be putting themselves at risk of an STD. Plain and simple. And it's not a reflection of them, or that casual sex is "wrong" .... it's just plain fact.

 

When you get in a car you risk death or injury every single time you get on that road. And most of the time an accident there was an element of carelessness on the part of one party or the other (though sometimes its mechanical failure, as with the failure of BC or a condom breaking). We KNOW that someone else's texting or drinking *could* result in our injury or death, but we get in the car anyway. And sometimes *WE* do stupid things like texting and drinking and driving. And when it's our fault, there is a consequence, and we have to live with the result and do what we can to make amends, but it doesn't make us a "BAD" person.

 

My point is, with casual sex, you just need to be frank and say "I have this virus that 25% of all the women out there have, and most don't know it. But I do, and I want to protect you, so I'm on anti-virals and we should use a condom too ... and that will lessen your risk to about the same chance of you getting a girl pregnant on birth control. If you need time to get educated I can give you some great resources. But I care enough about your health to want to make sure you make an educated CHOICE about having sex with me."

 

Believe it or not many if not most guys will actually THANK you for your honesty and most will go ahead and have sex with you .... because your frankness and honesty allows them to trust you and even with casual sex, trust makes the experience all the richer and more fun :)

 

And if they walk away, it's nothing *personal* .... it's their choice .... just as though you said you were on your period, or not taking birth control (and they don't want to risk being a baby-daddy which is another sexually transmitted, life long consequence of sex!), or that they just realized that for some reason, they are just not as into you as they thought (which is NOT PERSONAL!!!!!).

 

Check out Ella Dawson (I suggest you read all her Herpes blogs and follow her!) and the other links below about casual sex .... hopefully they will help you to realize that you can have just as full of a life with Herpes as you did before ...

 

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/dating-with-herpes Ella

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/70/herpes-disclosure-and-casual-sex general discussion

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6484/another-great-interview-with-ella-dawson-includes-great-info-on-how-she-deals-with-casual-sex

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2056/semi-success-i-dont-know-just-read-it thiisgoingtobeok (Casual Sex Successful Disclosure)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3271/first-disclosure-was-a-success-i-can-breathe-now- Rogue1313 (casual friend)

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3368/my-one-night-wonder Casual sex Willow

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6070/it-gets-better great tips for newbies

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2886/herpes-yoga-and-self-love

 

 

This one is really raw but it's from a guy who is telling women straight about how men and women view dating, sex, and herpes

 

http://blackgirlsareeasy.com/2014/02/dating-with-a-std.html Raw and unapologetic truths about dating with herpes

 

 

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Don't forget that @Adrial has put together some amazing Lifestyle guides ... basically an at home course to help you with those parts of acceptance that are eluding you.... there are 4 all together ... you can buy them individually or as a set ... and if you put the code PAMSAVE10 in the code box when you go to pay you will get 10% off the total..

 

Check them out!

 

http://herpesopportunity.com/guides.php

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