"Friends" absent after telling them

[Brynn2012]

Hey Everyone!

 

When I found out I had herpes, I made the mistake of telling too many people. No one random or anything like that, but a few too many "friends". All of them I consider to be compassionate people, though...I find that a few...have "disappeared". This isn't a post where I'm worried about anyone spreading my business, if it happens it happens. I am more concerned with outsider capacity for dealing with the issue...they don't have herpes. I AM THE ONE WHO HAS IT. Yet, they can't answer a text or acknowledge my state of mind? I'm talking about one friend who I have known for EIGHT years, beyond a best friend; I had to cease speaking to her because she wasn't there when I needed her. She could give me every excuse in the book...but she was absent. I received a few text messages here and there...no calls. Nothing. I find that to be incredibly selfish and I want to know if anyone else had bizarre "friend" reactions. Sometimes I feel they secretly believe they're better than I am now; that type of logic is faulty and a character flaw at best...if ever found out to be true, they don't need to be in my life anyway..but what the hell?

 

To top it off, the guy who gave it to me started doing the same thing. Was there at first, even before we knew it was him, then it seems that I became a reminder...he has HSV1 oral, and yeah he has to be careful now/it's tough...but most people have that. I was on my "deathbed" for a week, had a more than uncomfortable outbreak for two weeks...I am going to have to disclose this to every partner I have and be in the "shining light" of their grace if I am allowed a chance with them...my life is forever changed. I know he feels guilty for infecting me, especially since I completely lost it out of grief, but now its too "depressing" to talk to me? I don't think I am asking for too much here. These are not random people, they were supposed to care and you know...maybe that's the lesson. Anyone have a similar story?

[WCSDancer2010]

@Brynn2012

 

Hey there!

 

I just replied to your other post ... sorry it's taken me so long ... it's been a busy week on here!

 

See the links I gave you there ... about Herpes being your Wingman and showing you people for who they are ... and it doesn't even mean they are "bad" people, but they may not be what YOU need in a friend.

 

AND

 

They may just not know what to say so they are afraid to contact you because they don't want to say anything "wrong" ... that happens too... many would rather just wait till the worst is over because they can't handle seeing you upset.

 

.I am going to have to disclose this to every partner I have and be in the "shining light" of their grace if I am allowed a chance with them..

 

I have to be perfectly blunt here. That you will "have to be in the shining light of their grace" is dramatic crap. I know you are feeling really raw, fragile, and likely even scared right now and your beliefs about how dating will be in the future are understandably a bit skewed. So take it from an old fart. Read all the "Success Stories" you can on here. You will see that just because you are H+ doesn't mean you "settle". It doesn't mean that you have to be "grateful" for *anyone* who is kind enough to accept you. You can and WILL find love, likely with a H- person, and they will love YOU with their whole heart. And you shouldn't accept anything less than that :)

 

And your guy? Well, again, from an old fart, I've *finally* realized (took me 53 yrs) that most relationships that start out fast and hot usually fizzle out at the first sign of trouble because you haven't established a RELATIONSHIP. You haven't gotten to KNOW them first. So why are you surprised that this guy has backed off? He's not "invested" in you ... yes, he *likes* you perhaps, but men don't do female freak-out's well anyway and when they are not invested/in love, (and for some, even if they are) they will retreat to their cave when the shit hits the fan.

 

One thing Herpes does is it makes us take things a bit slower with new partners... and in the end, it often pays off .. we see it in the Success Stories a lot. People finding love that far exceeds anything they have experienced.... so check them out ... you may find your answer to your question there :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[Brynn2012]

@WCSDancer2010

 

Hey!

 

I just finished the videos you linked to my story and was going through a few of the disclosure/wingman threads. I was about to respond on that forum...but I will save time and acknowledge both here :).

 

I know I was being dramatic with my "shining light" comment, I was trying to relay my resentment toward my perception of the matter. I know that anyone worth having in my life will be a positive force-not hold my skin condition against me, though...I don't know. I recognize all of the facts and I know I will progress toward total acceptance of myself, I'm just not ready.

 

My Aunt made a impressionable comment when she told me "this is workable," and it truly is. I have not taken the time to fully love myself or forgive myself for the past and the road that lead me here. This is powerful enough to change that.

 

The societal viel is a tricky web to untangle yourself from. I found that I was rather uneducated with regard to my own sexual health and the stigma associated with herpes plagued my subconscious. It will take some time, but I will get there. The hardest part for me in this moment is that I don't have continuous support. Friends get tired of me being in a funk and after the initial diagnosis, my parents aren't really comfortable discussing it because it is linked to sex. Do not get me wrong, my mother and father were there when I crumbled and my mom did all the research for me..when I decided I didn't want to know anything other than no one would love me. That's not true. I know that now.

 

Just focusing on a lot of different issues here, I've cut multiple people off temporarily (while I mend myself) and I'm trying to do the right things. I will talk to the guy involved in the future, but right now-you're right, nothing is established...this is all I have to hang on to and until I move on from the subject...it's best I stay separate. I wish I didn't care.

 

Thank you for responding and for all of the insight :)

[WCSDancer2010]

 

My Aunt made a impressionable comment when she told me "this is workable," and it truly is. I have not taken the time to fully love myself or forgive myself for the past and the road that lead me here. This is powerful enough to change that.

 

YES! This is workable... and you know what? Sooo many realize after they stop freaking out what you did ... that this is what they needed to get them to make changes in their lives that were long overdue.

 

The societal viel is a tricky web to untangle yourself from. I found that I was rather uneducated with regard to my own sexual health and the stigma associated with herpes plagued my subconscious.

 

You are not alone. MOST people are woefully ignorant about their sexual health. In part because of the pathetic way the CDC deals with this, and in part because they would rather stick their head in the sand and not know and *hope* they will dodge the viral bullet :(

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

[Brynn2012]

I will update and maintain contact on this forum, I really appreciate your correspondence!

 

"Life isn't about what happens to you, it's about how you handle what happens".

 

 

[whitedaisies]

Read your post

 

Herpes shook up my family and friends too. Lost a lot of relationships or many became very strained.

 

A friend of mine listened to me talk about my vagina about an hour a day for 6 months lol. He's the only one that has really been there for me. Everyone else really hasn't. They were either afraid or didn't understand or my guy took the easy way out and I let him.

 

My advice is if you are finding you don't have a lot of support as I didnt, is to use this forum and also go to therapy. If you can find a good therapist, they will provide you with the support you need as you start coming to terms with your diagnosis and find new wonderful friends.

 

I wish you well. It definitely is workable especially worth so many people having hsv1.

 

There is a link Dancer sent me when I was really low. It described people in your life as leaves (blowing in the wind and offers no stability), branches (some strong and some weak...u need to know which is which) and some roots (the ones that allow you to live). I use that when I get down on who left. Leaves come and go and change with season. Let them go. Branches have potential and roots are keepers. Keep looking for your roots. I am.

 

Hugs

[Brynn2012]

@whitedaisies

 

I've been putting off going to therapy for a while now, even before this happened. I have the resources but it just never happens. And it isn't because I have some sort of complex about it-I saw someone for a solid year about two years ago. I'm not sure...sometimes I really want to progress and other times I prefer to wallow. There is no balance.

 

You're right though, I have to let go. I have friends who became so paranoid that they had it for whatever reason-said that they'd kill themselves if they had herpes (they were drunk). Or they do not want to talk about it...they will never come out and say it, but it was noted. Some even will feature social media with the guy who infected me in their photos, when they know I'm going to see it and they aren't even friends with him.

 

It does bother me, but I'm waisting my energy being angry with people who will not try to understand...because they don't want to.

 

(((Hugs)))

[2Legit2Quit]

@Brynn2012 omg the SAME exact thing happened to me and w someone I've been friends w for 20yrs and she did the same thing. Ultimately it made me realize that I had been giving her the best friend title for the last 10yrs and she's been anything but what that title represents, so I ended our friendship and she didn't even bat an eye. Guess herpes really can be the wing man in more ways than just from a romantic aspect. I felt so betrayed and let down, but soon after felt grateful for herpes shinning the spot liight on it. This is soneone I spent thousands on to take a trip a yr n half ago, she would never be able to afford in her lifetime and still hasn't been there, even while I was there last yr and this yr for her breakup! Insanity! She was also considered a slut growing up and has always been promiscuous, while I've been very modest about sleeping around and I ended up w this and not her! I told her it should have been her and not me! I go two yrs or close at a time w no sex and this girl has never made it past a month in her life w no sex.

 

So I totally get what you're going through. I also made the foolish mistake of telling my hair dresser of eitlght yrs drunk last night a d regretted it immediately. The psychological aspect of what this virus does to us, is so much more damaging and painful, than the physical aspects of this virus. I don't even want to call it a skin condition at this point, it is more of a psychological condition.

[Brynn2012]

@2Legit2Quit

 

Wow...how you're describing your "friend" sounds JUST LIKE my supposed best friend. She has normally had a boyfriend but can never be alone, I considered her very promiscuous and fast when we were younger-she lost her virginity nearly 4 years before I lost mine and it was always about sex with her.

 

I pinned it down to issues in her life and she knew so much about me...it was always I was her best friend...she doesn't even live in the same state as me anymore. I moved 6 years ago and maybe I was one of her greatest friends because she can't have functional female relationships IN PERSON. Took her on a trip in March, she got there herself but I paid for 70 percent of everything...because I knew she was on a budget. I wanted to exemplify my personality and how much I care about her as a person.

 

So yeah, I resent her. She could've fucking answered my calls, and one day I'll forgive her (In my mind because I don't want to chance cycling with her again) because she has issues of her own. But this was one of those things...when I was wasted, alone on a coach of a house I was watching...and she preceded to argue with me-try to say I was hard to please and to spare her...I think she's happy this happened to me, as if it elevates her in some way and that, ladies and gentleman, is bullshit.

 

It is definitely psychological! I can deal with outbreaks if I acquire another one in the future, I can deal with telling necessary people, but I cannot deal with how I feel about myself sometimes...or my perception of myself now and in the future.

 

Has she ever tried to contact you again??

[2Legit2Quit]

@ Brynn2012 i feel the same way, like it made her feel likelike she was better than me, because I surpassed her in success in life so much. She would get this look on her face when I bought it up and look down and not want to discuss it. . like I was dirty or something and this is even when I had accepted it and discussed it completely from a medical stand point and all that I had learned. No tears, no feeling sorry for myself, so sadness in the convo.. Nothing... Yet you'd think it was she w the f'ing virus and not me!! Let's not even go there in regards to when I really needed her during the first months after I got it.

 

No, she hasn't tried at all to contact me.. Not even in the least. That's OK, she did me a favor, in showing me how much emotional investment I'd been putting in for yrs, w or getting even an ounce of what I gave back. Life gets harder as you get older and much more to deal w, no point in expending even an iota of energy into someone, who doesn't do it back. Relationships of any kind are like bank accounts, theyt have an account that their friends/relationships withdraw from and deposit into. When you keep depositing in theirs, them withdrawing from yours, eventually the balance gets so off, that you start feeling the effects of the deficit in your account this person is linked to and is when you start feeling the ripple effects.

 

I am actually thankful that herpes exposed this dysfunction, that I've had a problem w just about every type of relationship w people in my life. I have always made them rich w my deposits, but they mostly withdrew or added nothing to my account. Where there is no growth, no relationdeep of any kind can sustain a massive deficit after a period of time, just like the economy can't.

 

I think deep down, there was frenemy jealousy going on w our "besties" and they capitalized on our pecievwd weakness and vulnerability. I dunno, ibwas very disturbed and caught off guard by her reaction to my H diag... I mean, this is a girl who is not squeamish, has a foul sense of humor and used a strap on dildo w her ex fiancé (took that long to recognize he probably is into sausage... Hahahah) and then had the audacity to act as if my diagnosis is so gross and taboo. What if I stopped talking to her for that!? It's no different. I'm amazed by the utter hypocrisy that comes from those, w such a tainted past and then look at us w H as if we are lepers. Unbelievable!

 

I don't even care that she doesn't try to be my friend anymore... Good riddance . it only proves further, she was not a good friend or adding value to mmy life.

 

@whitedasies.. That was I who posted that Maeda video clip about branches and leaves.

 

Brynn, it'll do you some good to view this video as well

 

Watch "Madea's tree friendship wisdom" on YouTube

[Brynn2012]

@2Legit2Quit

 

That video is so on point, it's not even funny! I have been trying to catch leaves, been investing too much in users. I'm thankful as well for the exposure of these people, because in a alternate world where I don't have herpes-I'm still chasing the wrong things.

 

I do believe both of our ex-friends were jealous or bitter in some way, we spent all this time with them...they're probably not sociopaths haha. Though, it was a detraction situation; I look at people in my life as additives or detractors-what do they bring to the table? It's a difficult assessment to make, but if I had chosen to make it before all of this I wouldn't have expected something where there was nothing.

[2Legit2Quit]

I obviously wouldn't choose to have herpes, but it certainly has made me stop to reevaluate all relationships in my life and to consider at greater length, the people I find worth my time.