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Not telling future partners-an option for some?

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Did you ever come across the idea of not telling your future partners? Let me be clear, I know a lot of people get nervous and don't disclose at first, something like that could happen to me, but I accept I will have to tell people-I'm okay with it. I don't want anyone to go through what I went through if I can help it, which I can. There will always be a chance but that's out of my control-I would still feel horrible regardless.


The point is, older women in my life-my mother...my aunt...tried telling me that I don't have to tell anyone ever. That I probably won't have another outbreak because it's a "minor case" (like they know haha) and that if they don't ask...I don't tell. That's ridiculous. I think they're anxious about me tarnishing my reputation, my family is "well known" where we live...but do they care about me or people finding out their daughter has herpes? How awful that would be for them, Lol.


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@Brynn2012 w no judgement, I think it is horrible not to tell someone. I was lied to and not given the choice and that feels very violating.. To know someone exploited you, just so they could get their rocks off and could have cared less about the consequences and what those meant for me.


Older people are clueless about herpes for the most part and you're still contagious at times, even when no OB is present. They are stuck in outdated information, that does not truly apply.


I know it's not easy to disclose, but I never felt like it was a choice for me or an option... It neevr existed in my mind. I knew from the moment I suspected I had it, that I would HAVE to Always disclose. For me, that stems from a core value w in myself and nothing can falter that... Not even the desperation for acceptance nor the fear of rejection.


You might meet someone who is the love iof your life, give it to them and they may have accepted it w having the choice be their own, but the utter betrayal in the lie, could make it a deal breaker. Do you really want to make someone feel like how you feel?

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I feel the same way. Granted, the guy who infected me did not know about his own condition...but if I had a choice? I would have gotten to know him better before being so intimate, I would've had an ally rather than an enemy.


Everyone deserves a choice, if I ever made someone feel the way I do/did...it would be a whole new type of guilt and self-loathing.

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Prior to me knowing for sure I had this, I made a decision to not give in until I knew for sure. I had a couple tough moments but I denied sex. Now I know for sure that I am positive for HSV, so I am SO grateful I followed my gut and didnt have sex. Now I can be cautious and tell my future partner. I have no doubt that when it is real love, he will accept it. It's not something to hide or be ashamed of. The real guilt and shame is when you know but don't tell your partner. Stay strong and follow your heart.

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I was seeing my now ex-boyfriend during all of the tests and sickness. We were coming off of a bad break and he isn't the one who infected me. He doesn't even know I have something now, we fizzled out and I never slept with him after I was with "the infector". But when I was suspicious of my symptoms, but not sure-it was definitely a little difficult to refuse sex. He told me I just have a UTI (like he would know) and that I'm on medicine for it so why not? He was very immature for someone 4 years my senior, but I spared him. I'm grateful I didn't give into temptation because he couldn't have handled a diagnosis like that and he speculated that I might have it...and I can tell if I would have stuck around and tried to garner support from him...I would've been worse off.

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Our policy here is to advise to ALWAYS tell before sex, preferably while all clothing is on, no alcohol has been consumed, and hormones aren't raging, so that our partners can make clear headed and rational choices.


Your mother and aunt are living with the info about Herpes that we were given back in the 70's and 80's. Because back then we believed that you could only pass it on with an OB. And genital HSV1 was unheard of. So much as been learned since then. So you can't blame them and yes, they are also worried about your "reputation". Perhaps you can educate them with the handouts ... to be honest, one of the groups with a huge increase in STD's in some areas (esp in places like Fla where there's lots of retirement communities) are the elderly ... so you may do them a favor in the long run ... even if they are happily married, if they lose their husband at some point they could become one of the statistics for elder STDs 😞


So maybe print out the handouts and have "the reverse talk" with them ... who knows, it might be pretty comical if you think of it that way 🙂


Handouts + disclosure e-book:



Herpes facts video


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@Brynn2012 That was very mature of you to not give in. At the end of the day it is a skin rash so the effect isn't so bad. Life goes on. However, it is a life changing thing and people always deserve to have a choice. My ex hid it from me our entire relationship until the night I broke up with him. I wish he would've given me a choice. It's not like he was in love with me and wanted to marry me right away. He just didn't want to risk the chance of me running. I would've accepted it because I really really cared about him. He had walls up and it effected our relationship to the point that I had to end it. I accept responsibilty for putting too much trust in him without making him get a test. I was a fool but he really dropped the ball by not telling me. No one deserves that. So keep it up and definitely always tell your partner prior to sex. It is our responsibility and if they don't want you after that, they are not worth your time. Plain and simple. I don't know about you but I am totally fine with the rotten apples falling out of my basket before I take a bite. :)

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Yea it hurt but I am grateful. It let me know that I needed to get tested. Him telling me the truth helped me out. I just wish he would've told me prior to sex. So I could have made up my own mind. He was an ass hole but he hid it very well in the beginning. haha Oh well. (HUGS)

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One thing H does is make you slow down in the beginning... most assholes can only hide that side of them for so long, then their true nature comes out ... I'm finding that by trying to not jump into sex for 2-3 months, I get to see the person without the veil that hormones put over my eyes... so that even if they walk when we have the talk (even with me being "out", I still have the talk because I'm also an advocate so they have to be ok with all their friends knowing they are dating a woman with Herpes, and many men can't deal with that), I'm usually pretty sure I'll know what their reaction will be based on what I have learned from watching them over the previous weeks/months. And so far, I've been spot on ..last one was more worried about what his friends would think... he really struggled with what was right for him, but he ultimately chose to call it off because of his fear of how it might affect his dating if we didn't work out ... and I wasn't at all surprised by that, so it didn't hurt nearly as much. ;)

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