I thought it was a one night stand..

[Blair91j]

A few weeks ago I went to visit my friend at her college. That weekend she introduced me to all of her friends in the dorm, and there was one guy who caught my eye. Lets call him Adam. So I told her "I think Adam's hot." This ,apparently, was a surprise because girls don't usually go for him. He's fairly shy and I don't think he ever makes the first move. Any way, news travels fast and he texted me a half-hour later saying we should meet up at the bars later that night. We did , we had fun, and then a couple of us went back to the dorms. We talked for a while and he mentioned how he doesn't want a girlfriend because he plans to move to NY or CA after school. I took that as " This is a one night stand" ..Which was totally fine for me, because their college is semi far away. I wasn't looking for a relationship either. So we start to hook up (he was amazing at kissing,btw) and eventually I ask if he wants to have sex. We did,with a condom, it was very brief, but that's another story for another time.

 

The next day he dropped me off at my friend's dorm and said ,"You should call me next time your here." I brushed that off as him being polite. So long story short, no , it wasn't a one night stand, because he messaged me a week later asking why it had taking me so long to text him and when would I be back . I said I could come the next weekend and since then we have been texting back and forth every day. One major problem... I didn't tell him I have GHSV1. In my mind I rationalized not telling him , because at least 80% of the population has this virus(recently i have heard even higher numbers)& GHSV1 is very difficult to spread, especially to guys (they are at less risk of contracting stds generally). Finally, I never thought I would see him again.

 

 

Now that I will , I feel so guilty I need to tell him. There's no way to casually bring up stds after you have had sex with someone.. When I do tell I assume he will ask why I didn't tell him before we had sex... and saying ," I thought it was a one night stand" Is not an acceptable excuse. Also, if this doesn't turn out well, what if he blames my friend,which is also his friend, for setting us up? I would feel even worse.

 

I'm so confused, with what to do, but also with myself. I have disclosed to other partners before sex, just because I feel guilted into it , and I hear that common phrase in the back of my head that says " Not telling them takes away their right to choose what they want to do with their body" I guess i'm self centered. This same situation has happened before though, where I confess after the fact, and it went horribly. You would think I would learn...

 

Any advice about how to bring it up , in a non scary way, would be greatly appreciated .I know Adrial says we need to speak about our condition confidently but even thinking about the word herpes just makes my chest hurt.

[Cedar1122]

Hey Blair,

 

Kudos to you for wanting to disclose after having sex. I know that the thought is scary for you- but you show integrity by disclosing, even with the fear of him being upset with you. You're cleaning up the situation and in honor of being honest and respecting his decisions. I feel proud of you.

My advice would be to just be really honest about how your feeling. Tell him the feelings that come up for you when you're disclosing. Let him know that you feel nervous, and feel guilty about not telling him before. Let him know that you honor and respect his decision, and this is why you're telling him the information. Be prepared to give him the facts about herpes which may include some of this:

 

Female to male transmission rates are 4%*

When condoms are used, both of the rates above decrease by half (2% and 4%, respectively) and suppressive therapy has that fall by another half

*when no protection is used and sex is avoided during active outbreaks.

 

Be authentic with how you feel about him and yes- Adrial's right. Have confidence when you speak. When we are freaked out about talking about herpes- it freaks the other person out because they don't really know much about it.

If you're confident and can provide facts- this makes them much more comfortable.

 

I hope that the chest pain is replaced with a feeling of openness in your chest. By telling him this information, you're taking a lot of weighted feelings off your chest and coming clean.

 

Good luck <3,

Katie