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Feeling guilty and extremely scared


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I'm starting to kinda date again, and I gave someone oral. I never told him I had hsv-2 down there because I'm just avoiding sex. I feel so scared and guilty. What if I give it to him? I'm always paranoid about getting it on my mouth, but it's been over a year that I've been diagnosed and I haven't yet. I'm not on any suppressive medication and I have an outbreak that's healing right now. Will he get it? I feel so stupid, I just want to cry. Do I tell him now? What are the risks from oral both ways? I like him, but idk if he's open to this risk or likes me enough. I'm freaking out. Thanks for any help.

 

-Bebé

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Nope Nope Nope - BREATHE!!!!

 

You can't give him GENITAL HSV2 from oral sex :) And HSV2 doesn't like the mouth anyway ... only 1% of all oral herpes is HSV2. So odds are against him getting it from you if he goes down on you BUT I wouldn't go there unless you tell him first.

 

My advice: If you REALLY like him, Slooooow things down. Tell him that you have some things going on that you realized make it to where you don't want to rush right in and you will tell him more when you are ready (that can be soooo many things ... it's a great vague way for them to know that *something* is there but it's not necessarily caused by THEM)....

 

You will know when it's time to tell him. But don't rush things... ESPECIALLY giving a man sex or oral just to keep him around :)

 

(((HUGS)))

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SIGH. thank you. I really was losing it last night. It's really starting to settle in that sex will be a little more difficult now. And I want to take it slow but I guess I'm having a hard time with that. Smh. And I did tell him that I was dealing with some stuff unrelated to him and I'm differ t from most girls, and if he cares maybe one day I'll tell him. Maybe he'll be understanding. I'll get to that when we get there. I just wanted to have some fun. Smh.

 

Thank you again for everything. <333

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So now I have this weird thing in my mouth on the inside of my lip. It feels kinda sore and raw. It's not on the skin though. Is it a coincidence that this happens a day after I give someone oral??? Idk what is going on. I can't deal anymore.

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It seems to have gone away, so you were right. I still feel like shit because I went to the GYN for info and my first batch of valtrex. He told me I can basically give it anyone any way. And to constantly wash my hands because it's a virus. Anywhere there is broken skin I can give it to them. So I guess even kissing is a risk now?? No more passionate kisses? Like wtf. I don't even want to talk to this guy I'm seeing now anymore. Sigh. I feel doomed even more than before.

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WTF?????????

 

Your GYN said you can give it to him from ANY broken skin??? Time to get a new GYN ...that one needs his license revoked!

 

Did you not read my other post? YOU CAN NOT GIVE GENITAL HERPES TO SOMEONE THROUGH ORAL SEX!!!!!!!! Never mind that it only lives in the nerve ganglion of the nerve it went up, so it can't be spread through other parts of your body... SMH...

 

Please, get a new GYN ... please....

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Yeah, I did read your post, and I'm currently up reading more of your posts! It's just so confusing to hear a doc say that and everyone on here say differently. This is why i hate going to gyn's. They're always saying something that's off according to everyone who has it. Smh. This was my first time with him, the last one kept saying my paper cut ob's were razor bumps and ingrown hairs, basically dismissing me. He was really making it seem like I could just pass this through any sort of touching/saliva.

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OMG I spoke with a physician at FastMed yesterday. That man didn't have a clue what he was talking about. He was telling me that its not a big deal to get on antivirals if you aren't breaking out. You can't give it to someone unless you have a lesion....I was like is this guy for real?? I had to educate him! lol The problem is they really don't consider it a big deal..."they have bigger fish to fry" I guess. However, for US it is a big deal. We have to live with it and protect the people we love.

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Well, certainly, most GYN's *should* know the truth but people have to understand that the "other" Dr's like the one in the FastMed and PCP's just plain CAN'T keep up with the 50 bazillion pieces of new info that come across their desks every year, so they pick and choose what they read and given that H doesn't kill you, it's pretty far down the list of priorities of most. That's why I tell people to always go to the closest thing to a specialist in whatever their issue is when possible.

 

However, I do feel it's somewhat criminal when GYN is so far out of line... and it's really scary that @bebe has had not just one but TWO bad experiences, because most GYN's ARE at least decently up to date ... :(

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Smh. Yeah, he was pretty shitty. But Someone referred me to a new doctor who might know more and is at least nicer/cares about you. I'm just glad I have information from a great site like this with you guys on it. I'd go crazy if I didn't have yall.

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I had a similar experience of misinformation with my Gyn... I found out about my H through a blood test because I was exposed by my partner who later had symptoms. My Dr. told me that I had a "past exposure" but not "active herpes" and that only 1 in 100 people like me are even able to spread this virus. He said to use condoms and it was at my discretion whether to mention it to partners. I later read about viral shedding and had to call and ask for Valtrex to prevent transmission to new partners.

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Wow. @amethyst21 what a horrible doctor. Hopefully you've found someone better. I feel a lot better now, but I'm still avoiding the talk with the guy I'm talking to. But it'll have to happen eventually if we want to have sex. I'm so scared he's going to reject me.n

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@Bebe

 

Please friend, go read the Success Stories. So many who have been before you on here felt the same. Believe me, if he's into YOU (and not just wanting to get INTO you) he will at least get educated AND he will have to stop and be really honest with himself about how deeply he feels about you.

 

Now, I just had a guy choose to walk away from me when we got to the point of having the "do we want to go to the next level" (ie, sex) talk. He knew about my H and seemed ok with it...but I felt he didn't really account for the fact that I'm "out" which means all his friends would eventually know. And I figured that might be a problem for him. And I was right. He went really quiet afterwards (using the death of an Aunt as the excuse) but eventually sent me a text saying that he talked to his Dr and they both felt that if it didn't work out, that if all his friends knew then noone would want to date him because he dated a H+ person. Even though he knows that after 4 months he could get tested and show he's H- (assuming he didn't get it).

 

Now, I could take that personally, but I don't. It just shows me that he's more worried about what others think about him than he is about finding true love. Because I KNOW that the man that eventually comes and stays in my life will see what I'm doing and will be PROUD to stand by and with me.

 

I always say, Herpes makes a GREAT Wingman ...read these links and you will see what I mean ... the other person's reaction has nothing to do with you...it's about THEM and H will make you see them for who they are :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story#latest Wingman example

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6347/my-disclosure-story 2 very different reactions … but both are “successful” in their own ways :)

 

 

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

 

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@bebe inevitably? You dotn know that. Your making assumptions. I've only had one friend out of 6 get rejected once , but he was still willing to sleep w her... So that tells you right there his intentions and it was just a way out for him to say why he didn't want a relationship. These girls have had it 9yrs and longer. You don't know that. I disclosed to an old flame I'd not spoken to in a yr and he didn't even bat an eye and I did it in the worst possible way.... In tears. Last I checked, none of us were Ms. Cleo Brown and we can't predict the future (neither can she)... But you get my drift, so don't be a self fulfilling prophecy w a mind set like that. Just let it be and worry about it, when that time comes. I have stressed myself out worrying about it from the moment of a first date and only to find out a couple weeks later, I am not a good match w these guys w or w out H. I was needlessly worrying over something, before I figured out if I was even compatible w the dude. H is the least of your worries vetting for a good guy, believe me.

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His friends would only know because he told them. If he doesnt tell they wouldnt know. So in other words, he may talk smack about you when the relationship ends. My relationship ended because my herpes made a surprise entrance. He ran. When he was asked by others what happen(we together shy of 4 yrs). He told his brother to ask his wife, who is my dear friend and had set us up. So that told me he wasn't telling anyone of my herpes. Then again his rep would be on the line as he might have it too. So say to yourself, NEXT!

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@StillMeButWiser how doesdoes your ex not know it was he that gave it to you? Wow, that must have been so hurtful, especially after being together for four yrs. How can one say they love you and so that. When I met my ex husband, it took my 3 months to feel ready for sex, so I had us get tested. He'd been hiding from me, that you had warts.. We neevr even fooled around. So he came back w a clean bill of health, so I said OK and tried to put the moves on him on night and he was very resistant to letting me see and then he broke down in tears and told me they think it was warts. At that point, I cared about him too much to just walk away from him. To me, that's crazy that after four yrs, someone would run. Sorry you went through that.

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So im a little confused. Your ex said his herpes lession was a wart? When I had a blood test done at few weeks after first outbreak it said postive 6. Basically had it for least 6 months. So who knows who gave it to me. My ex didnt want to be accountable and far as I know still hasnt been tested. I was diagnosed in january of this year. Been a long bumpy road. Was very jaded and didnt trust for the longest time. Just now in getting my zing back to date. Get tested and take it from there. Herpes doesnt define you. You are still you.

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@StillMeButWiser are you asking me or someone else who commented? My ex husband had warts, which I never got. Condom protected the area he had them and I know it sounds silly, but he also kept his boxer briefs on during sex. I'm sure that had a lot to do w the end of our marriage and him cheating. I was young, what are you gonna do.

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@Bebe

 

Ok .. so here's the thing about rejection. Ready?

 

IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!

 

When someone rejects you, it's usually their ignorance and fear that drives them. Orrrrr... as I already said above ...they were more interested INTO you than into YOU! So many women believe that the guy really cares for them when they start to have sex ... when for the guy, at that point it's just sex with someone they really like (aka, they are not looking/thinking about love, LTR, or any of that stuff). And when something that's a deal breaker (which is all H is for some) the woman gets hurt because she *thought* the guy was really into HER ...sure he thought she was cute/hot/smart/sexy/etc ... but if you had asked him if he saw her as a long term relationship that early on, most would run for the hills.

 

So herpes helps to force us to slow down and get to (hopefully) get to know the guy better before disclosing... but sometimes our radar is off ... and when you have "the talk", the guy has to be brutally honest with himself about his TRUE feelings (not just the feelings below the belt) and he has to engage the "other head" ... the ones who were really just having a good time (or hoped to) will run... the ones who really CHERISH you and CARE for you will at least get educated ... and again, weigh the risk with whether they TRULY care that deeply for you. It makes them HAVE to be honest with themselves. And honey, wouldn't you rather find that shit out sooner rather than later?

 

AND

 

The rejection response (where we feel gut punched) is actually a really primitive, and truly *physical* response that initially kept us alive (You would do what you could to be "accepted" by the tribe so you didn't get kicked out and eaten by a saber toothed tiger) Some groups like the Amish employ tactics like shunning to make people behave in a way that fits their religion for fear that they will be cut off from their family and friends. Point being, that 'feeling" is a useless remainder from our past .. and when you understand that, and accept that you just have to ride it out, it often makes it less devastating... at least, it did for me :)

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/ (my blog)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4699/first-real-disclosure-first-real-rejection Rejection as your teacher…..

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/10-surprising-facts-about-rejection

 

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**Sigh** you guys are a god-send. I definitely understand what you mean about the in to me versus into me part. I think that's why I'm so scared. Because this is a mostly physical relationship, and we wanted to keep it light. This is the opposite of light. Lol But if it makes any difference a good guy friend who I unfortunately don't really like came out and told me he really liked me! And he knows about the hsv!!! So it's not a real disclosure success story, but it did help how I feel about myself. A bit!

 

Thank you guys. I'm going to keep hanging with the other guy and try and tell him soon. I did what you said @wscsdancer2010 and told him about taking it slow! He knows I want to have sex, but I won't. And he's confused, but I think it's a good thing because he's never experienced this before. Lol Things keep getting closer and closer to sex though, and I'm scared I could give it to him from just slight rubbing? Can you? It's not intense grinding or anything, but we did touch quite a few times. Smh. Thanks again. <3333

 

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