"Accidently" Had Unprotected Sex Before Disclosing

[Sportygirl1123]

Hi Guys,

 

I was diagnosed with HSV1 last year. I have been dealing. I have good days where I am just so thankful that it is ONLY HSV1, and bad days where I am so mad/sad that I now have to have a conversation before I have sex with anyone. :(

 

That said, I had a whirlwind, 2 day romance with a guy I met on vacation last week. It was a crazy connection that I have never experienced with a guy on this level before. BUT...I think due to lack of sleep for days and alcohol (and that deep connection), we had sex the second night and I did not disclose. It was the heat of the moment and we did NOT use a condom. I feel terrible and know that I made a huge mistake (not to mention that I'm hoping he did not give me anything else).

 

We have stayed in touch and may make plans to see each other again. I feel so guilty and I am just so conflicted on the best course of action at this point. I know the right thing to do is to tell him, but I don't want him to freak out or be angry. (Not to mention he would not be able to know for a couple months anyway) Should I just end communication and hope for the best? Should I pretend that I just found out a couple months from now? I am a truthful person, but I know I have something special with him. We just didn't really have enough time to solidify things completely, so I'm afraid he will reject me. :(

 

Any advice would be much appreciated!

[Anna01]

Hey, so just to be clear, you have HSV1 genitally or orally?

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

Pending your answer to @Anna01 , here's my experience...

 

And keep in mind that GHSV-1 and GHSV-2 behave differently, and you've had yours for a while, not sure about your suppression meds, etc...

 

I had unprotected sex with a partner the night after I contracted GHSV-2 (I had no idea that I had put myself at risk, my friend was "clean" according to his STI panel!)

 

I faced the same question...do I tell someone that I put them at risk? I could have just ceased communications with him, pretended like I hadn't shown symptoms, and been surprised if/when he called.

 

But I told him. It was awful, I felt extremely guilty and ashamed, but telling someone takes courage. It shows that you still care about someone else's health more than your pride. In my case, it turns out that he was showing symptoms, and had just been hoping that it was razor burn. If I hadn't told him, he would have assumed it was a rash and moved on, maybe going on to infect others, or never knowing where it came from...

 

Instead, by telling him, he was able to go to the doctor to assess his symptoms. The doctor thought it did look like HSV, but I believe they're still waiting on the tests. By telling him, he was able to see minor symptoms and get it addressed.

 

In my case, this kind, sweet guy *thanked* me for telling him. He said he knew I didn't have to, and he knows how hard it was for me to do that. Believe me, it didn't make telling him any easier, but it made me feel like I did the right thing.

 

It REALLY sucks to be in this situation. I get it. You have to ask yourself if you're okay to continue to talk to him regularly, to potentially build something with him, and still keep this to yourself.

 

Keep this in mind as well:

 

1) You're adults that made a consensual decision to not wear a condom. At the end of the day, it sounds like NEITHER of you checked the other's status. Yes, it's on us, knowing that we carry the virus, to warn a partner. And given our higher risk for catching something else, we should always know our partner's status! But you're both adults, and you both chose to be unprotected without discussion. Please keep that in mind, it may help you not go so crazy.

2) Risk of transmission: meaning, you haven't had an outbreak in xx months, low risks of transmission even without a condom (I think like 2% with GHSV-1, 4% with GSHV-2). Low rates don't mean you don't disclose, but it will help ease the post-exposure disclosure.

 

 

[Sportygirl1123]

Thanks guys! So yes, HSV1 (genitals). I do not take suppression meds and have not had an outbreak since my first one a year ago. (although I think having sex again has now initiated one)

 

NothingGoodGetsAway- thank you so much for taking the time to write all that. It's one of those situations where I think I know what I am supposed to do, but I just don't want to do it. AND- I don't want him to unnecessarily freak out for a couple months, when technically, there is a 2-4% chance that he contracted it (from what I have read).

 

So in your situation, you said you had sex the night after "contracting". So did you know you were positive when you you had unprotected sex with the partner you are referring to? For me, that is what I feel most guilty about...that I didn't tell when I KNEW.

 

I think you've helped me narrow it down to either A) cutting things off with him completely, knowing that I most likely have not given him anything and never will because we won't have sex again. B) Telling him now and just riding out the storm. I'll just have to be mentally prepared for potential rejection.

 

I just can't imagine telling him that I knowingly put him at risk...even though that is exactly what I did. :(

 

 

[Anna01]

My best advice I can give is, honesty is the BEST policy. In life we all make mistakes. We do things we are not so proud of but it takes courage to admit your wrongs. I would absolutely encourage you to tell him the truth. He may be mad. He may think a lot of things about the situation but he will respect the fact that you were honest with him.

Plus this is not something you just let someone go on from, keeping your fingers crossed that he didn't contract it. That is not really fair to him.

 

So I would say find the courage and just be honest. You were so wrapped up in him and got so caught up in your emotions that you got carried away and gave in. You wish you could have controlled yourself enough to tell him before sex but you were drinking and one thing led to another. You are sorry you didn't but you are telling him now. You are SO scared but you had to tell him. You really hope this doesn't ruin everything between you guys and hope he can forgive you. Give him some statistics on the minimal risk involved. Handle it like a champ. You got this ;-)

[NothingGoodGetsAway]

Sportygirl, I did not know that I had contracted it with my second partner - they were on the same weekend (><) bad decisions all around, and I had NO idea that I had gotten something. It really didn't make the discussion that much easier, if it eases your mind. It was still my actions that put him at risk, and I hated it. The only solace I could find is that he made the same decision as I did.

 

That said, I have to agree with Anna01. Honesty is the best policy, for both your conscience and his health (and the health of his potential future partners). Yeah, it's going to freak him out, and honestly if he's one of the 80% with HSV-1 (orally), then he might even get tested now and turn out positive from an older infection and they might not even be able to tell the difference. BUT if he does show any signs, he'll know to get it checked, and that's the important part to remember. It might also give him a little jolt to realize that he shouldn't be having unsafe sex without an educated discussion first!

 

In addition to all of Anna's points (which I think is the great start of the discussion), just keep in mind that you're both adults that made this decision.

[2Legit2Quit]

I knkw it's hard to disclose and technically there is an option to not disclose and disappear, but your moral compass should ONLY have one option, and that is to woman up, clean up the mess you made, do the right thing and disclose. It is not fair to others if he did get infected unknowingly and could continue spreading it around. The low risk is irrelevant here, the risk is still there. Do unto others what you want others to unto you.

[Sportygirl1123]

Thanks everyone...I appreciate the insight. I have to just figure this all out. I promise I heard everything you said, and I will not just let this ride without saying SOMETHING. He does deserve to know. I just need to figure out how to do that. :( Thank you again.

[Anna01]

I am wishing you the best of luck! Keep us posted. We are here for you girlie ;-)

XOXO

[2Legit2Quit]

Use the disclosure pamphlets on here and the statistics sheet for transmission rates. It is only for HSV 2, but because HSV 1 does ahwd half of what 2 does, you can cut those numbers in half. It'll help show him just how loehis risk is.

[Sportygirl1123]

Thanks so much!

[WCSDancer2010]

@Sportygirl1123

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

So - our policy here is to encourage disclosure and honesty ... so I'm with the others. You made a mess, so you just have to clean it up.

 

So - tell me, if the shoe was on the other foot, would you want him to tell you? I would expect so ... even though it would mean uncertainty for awhile and perhaps upset and hurt, you would at least know that you needed to be cautious with any partners until you got tested out ... AND... if you came up negative, you would know to be more careful in the future. So this might be a good wake-up call for HIM to make sure to have the STD talk and to be more careful.

 

Yes, he may be angry. Yes, you may end up losing him. It's a risk that you will have to take. But I hope that you will do what you need to do to get your integrity back in alignment. @Anna01 gave you a great way to put it to him .... starting with the fact that you care about him, and that because of that, you need to talk to him about something ... I think that's a great way to let him know that you have his interests at heart first and foremost, and that will go a LONG way with many people to softening the upset...

 

Good luck ... and remember, we are all human beings, being human. Which means we are imperfect and we screw up. What we do after that is what shows the world who we are at our core. ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[Sportygirl1123]

Hello all!

 

WCSDancer- my apologies, but I did not see your post until just now. :( Thank you for that and you were/are absolutely right.

 

I wanted to update you all that it took me a week or 2, but I told him. Going into it, I was at peace with the fact that if he rejected me for it, he was not the guy I would want to be with anyway. I basically said that I wasn't sure if most people would have this conversation, but I cared about him enough to do so. I really tried not to minimize it, but thankfully the statistics speak for themselves (especially since I was having no symptoms at the time of our encounter).

 

Anyway- he completely took it in stride and was totally fine about it! Phew! He flew out to see me a week later and we are still going strong! (Used protection every time on his visit too) ;)

 

Happy that this was a good ending (so far), but definitely a wake up call for me (and him too). I was negative for all the STIs that would show up quickly and getting tested for the others this week.

 

Thank you all for your support and input...I think it changed the course of what I may have done. I feel "light" again and that my karma is still in check. ;)

[2Legit2Quit]

That's great news! So glad to hear!