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H is ruining my life and I dont know how to stop it


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I was diagnosed in 2012. I may possibly have contracted it earlier and dismissed it as something else. I was in a relationship at the time, my ex was claimed that he did not also have it (which is why I think I may have got it earlier). Things between us didn't work for unrelated reasons. We split in 2013. since then I have been single and avoiding any kind of intimate relationship. The only other people that know about my condition are my mother and sister, both of which do not feel comfortable to talk to me about it. I have avoided talking to my brother at all for over a year for fear of what he'd think of me if he found out. He now thinks that I hate him for some random reason, he has a one year old daughter that I have also never met. H is actually ruining my life. I have such a deep hatred for myself that I cant even face my family.

In the past 3 years I have just kept traveling and moving to different countries and towns. I have had some amazing experiences and met great people, but I always feel like I'm sitting on the outside looking in everyone around me living their lives to the fullest. I always try to put H at the back of my mind and carry on as if I'm the same as everyone else. It generally works, I am bubbly and active and I feel happy until I get too close to someone, then I freak out and can't open up to them, this means they always find someone else to confide in. Its any relationship too not just romantic ones. I haven't had a close friend in a long time.

I disclosed twice to men that I thought would be accepting, one guy literally couldn't leave fast enough and the other guy seemed all cool then just stopped talking to me.

 

I don't take any anti viral drugs. I don't like the idea of taking something continuously that can damage my liver or kidneys. I have read about drinking 35% food grade hydrogen peroxide diluted in distilled water as a cure. Has anyone else read about this? is it complete bull crap?

How does herpes survive in the body? wouldn't a strengthened immune system be able to kill the virus?

 

Please help. I can't keep living like this, I need to be my whole self.

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@Mrose90 there is so much I want to say to you..... I will post in the morning but in the meantime, I need you to know that herpes isn't going to ruin your life, it just feels that way right now. After 15+ years with the virus I can tell you that it is JUST a virus. It doesn't define you, it doesn't make you less and it certainly doesn't ruin your life unless you let it. I know exactly how you feel..... I also know what it feels like to own your status and love yourself. You will get there, it just takes time and some help along the way. I will post more tomorrow..... its going to be ok...Trust me.

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@Mrose90 the guys that bolt are the kind of guys who are just focused on a hook up, not on a cool chick with more to offer than pussy. Those guys aren't worth feeling bad over, you can thank herpes for weeding out the douche bags. You will find kind and caring men eventually but you first have to stop seeing yourself in a negative light. You can only attract positive when you put positive energy out there. OWN your status don't let it own you. All your feelings are normal. Let yourself feel them then move on. Don't wallow, pick up, dust off and be your NEW self. A more grounded, soulful chick who now sees the world through more compassionate eyes. If herpes is the worst thing to happen to you, consider yourself one of the lucky ones.

 

As for a cure... there isn't one. There likely won't be one in our lifetime. We all hope for one of course but don't focus on that long shot. Instead focus on managing the virus and learning to live with it. The peroxide won't cure you and regardless of your immune function you will never be able to rid yourself of the virus. Once you have it, you have it for life. Just like 80% of the population! If you choose to take this as a positive challenge and an opportunity to dig deep and find out who you really are and what you really value you will see herpes as a blessing instead of a curse. Herpes plays virtually no role in my life anymore. I have a gorgeous, loving H- partner who doesn't give two shits that I have herpes and does care if he gets it. It's irrelevant in our relationship. I do take antivirals and they have been a godsend for me. I take them for ME, he doesn't care if I do or not. They are really not as hard on your body and people think. One of the safest, most effective drugs on the market. Suppressive therapy of 500mg a day won't ruin your liver. Just food for thought :)

 

Welcome to the club girlfriend..... its actually a great club to belong to, we have so many cool, elevated people here :)

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@Mrose90

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

First, I wish I could just sit you down and hug you AND shake you! @fitgirl is right ... your 2 disclosures just showed you that the guys were douche bags ... Herpes makes a GREAT Wingman (I'll post the links about that below) ... but you have to learn to work WITH it and not buy into the belief that it's ruining your life....

 

Bottom line (and this isn't personal ... but I'm going to be brutally honest with you... Some Forum Mom Tough Love coming up!):

 

YOU are ruining your life. You are giving Herpes FAR too much credit for it's control of your life. Herpes is a minute little virus that mostly hides (like a bully) in your nerve ganglion (which is why a good immune system won't kill it all off) and comes out when you are in a weakened state (usually a stress of some sort) to wreak havoc. It's like an unwelcome house guest that we can't get rid of. So we have a choice: We can allow the presence of that "guest" to make us miserable, we can blame our lack of friends and lovers on it, we can blame it for all the wrongs in our lives. Or we can learn to live with it, and respect its presence but to not allow it to dictate to us how we should live or love. All this is a CHOICE.... YOU get to choose which path you take. I've had HSV1 since I was 4 and HSV2 since I was 17 (FIRST sexual experience! Whoohoo!) and I'm 54 now. Herpes may have been part of a few speed bumps along the timeline of my life, but it's certainly not ruined it. If anything, it's made me stronger.

 

So - I suggest that you read all the Success Stories that you can on here, so you can see that you don't HAVE to buy into the stigma, and that you CAN find love (even with a H- partner) with Herpes.

 

I suggest that you read the links I'm putting below... there will be a lot of them, but that's because I feel you have some pretty deep set beliefs about your value as a person that you have transferred to Herpes .... and I hope that one of these posts will help you to see that you don't have to live like this. Once you work through a few, (not all perhaps) I hope that you will at least *start* to see that the only thing that is limiting you is YOU ... NOT the virus ... once we crack through that belief, we can help you to come back to your true self and to living life once again :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6070/it-gets-better great tips for newbies

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2886/herpes-yoga-and-self-love

 

 

I think this post represents your relationship with your brother:

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6780/something-for-you-to-chew-on

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3546/watch-this-now-the-prison-of-your-mind- Sean Stephenson Prison Ted Talk

 

Wingman Posts

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story#latest Wingman example

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6347/my-disclosure-story 2 very different reactions … but both are “successful” in their own ways :)

 

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

 

 

Lonliness, rejection, rumination Practicing Emotional Hygine

 

Vicious cycles of the mind

 

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@fitgirl and @WCSDancer2010

Thank you so much for your responses. I understand what you are saying. When I step back and look at it, everything you're saying makes perfect sense. I know that I have got a lot of work to do on my personal growth and I think that joining this site is the first step towards that.

 

Thank you for the hard words WCSDancer2010 , they needed to be said and I need a good shaking.

I'm so glad that this site exists.

 

I never knew that the virus live in the nervous system and have been easily mislead.

I don't get regular outbreaks.. Should I still take antiviral a daily? Or do I just take them when an outbreak appears?

 

 

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@Mrose90 I think fitgirl and wcsdancer have started the process of clearing the fog from your eyes :) I still want to reach out to you because I am VERY new at this and I think my perspective might contribute to your view.

 

I was diagnosed the very end of June 2015. It was a very emotional experience for me but I am someone who really focuses on inner strength and try to maintain a strong self esteem. To be honest, H has ever so slightly changed my life but it has honestly has been more of a benefit for me than anything.

 

Before I was diagnosed, I was deteremined to be the best Anna I could ever be. I didn't want sex or my looks to define who I am as a woman. So I was already making some serious changes in my life. I focused on God, love, friendship, family, goals etc. It made me sooooo strong. I was so strong that I was able to handle my H+ diagnosis better than I could ever imagine. I have weak moments, ofcourse, but honestly it hasn't slowed me down for a second.

 

I know how to filter out who is not truly into who I am on the inside. H helps me weed out the wrong people in general. Recently, I disclosed to this amazing man I connected with spiritually and he is still here for me. He didn't run. This actually brought us closer. He knows that he can trust me because I told him something considered to be VERY personal and vulnerable. The only reason we haven't had sex is because I wasn't ready. He could care less about my stupid skin condition.

 

My comfort with it makes others comfortable with it too. I have told family, some friends and I feel the urge to be open with others too because there is no shame in having a skin rash. Although, I haven't gotten to the point of casual sharing just yet. The shame is a twisted lie that you need to get rid of. You are still you. So focus on becoming a stronger and better you. Love yourself and erase this lie that H is ruining your life. H has zero control of your potential and the things you can accomplish on this Earth.

 

I couldn't agree more with what these lovely ladies have told you. I KNOW that H doesn't and CAN'T ruin your life. There is one person and one person only that holds the key to your happiness.....that person is you :) It is always you. Life has A LOT of challenges. It is how you handle them that builds your character. I say try to avoid self pity and stop focusing on the "negative" (or maybe not negative ;-) things in your life. The sooner you value yourself the sooner your life will change for the better. Keep your head up and be THANKFUL you are alive and you are WELL, whether you realize that right now or not.

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@anna01 thank you Anna.

 

Thank you so much for the encouragement. Finding this forum has really been a blessing for me, I really needed these things said to me.

I have have pitying myself and bullying myself for years. It is so unhealthy.

I'm ready to make changes in the way I view myself.

I AM a beautiful person inside and out. I have been told this by my loved ones time and again. For some reason I always fell into self loath.

The links that Dancer posted for me to view really hit home for me.

H is making me confront myself, I've always had insecurities and have always doubted myself. I'm sorry to say that I've used the "I Can't" more the "I can" or "I'll Try".

I've held myself back from so many things for fear of failing; for fear of what OTHERS might think of ME.

 

I know that it won't happen overnight and that I really have to step back and look at how I live my life and the kind of people that I'm surrounding myself with.

 

I was in a pretty dark head space lately .

I'm super thankful for the encouragement and support that I have received from @fitgirl, @WCSDancer2010. And. @anna01

From the bottom of my heart. THANK YOU

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@Mrose90 Nothing like a little self loathing :) Honestly, it is the worst thing ever. I hate it when that feeling hits me. It mostly happens during PMS. I am like "My life....what am I doing...omg I am fat...and so on" haha We all get down on ourselves sometimes BUT we musn't make it a habit. I have found ways to change my way of thinking. Kick the negativity OUT and do things that bring you joy. I dance a lot and it helps me so much. Find what works for you and go for it!

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