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I just don't see the point...


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Posted

I'm 24 years old and I just found out I have herpes. I was always the girl who people came to with their problems because I could always find a way to cheer them up. I hate seeing people upset, even if its a complete stranger. I love to laugh, I'm one of the goofiest people I know, and I love making others laugh, even if I make a complete fool of myself doing it.

 

I have always been a very kind, loving, and cheerful person... on the surface. What I mean by that is: when it comes to the people around me, I never judge, I find the good in everyone, and I love with my whole heart. But, when it comes to myself, it's a completely different story. I am harshly judgmental, I never give myself any credit, I put myself down and I have a horrible self image. I have never really been kind to myself. It's like I'm living two separate lives - like I have a split personality.

 

Finding out that I have herpes has only deepened the dislike I have for myself. I feel disgusting, like I deserve this, like I screwed up and now I have to pay for it. I realize that by saying that, I'm not only accepting the stigma that society has placed on this condition, I'm perpetuating it. So, I try to rationalize it by saying that, even if I had remained a virgin until my wedding day, I still could have contracted this virus. But, there's always that voice in the back of my mind that tells me it's unlikely, that I'm just trying to justify my poor choices.

 

Not that I was overly promiscuous, I'm a relationship girl. For the most part, I have only ever had sex in the context of a committed relationship. It takes a deeper level of comfort and trust for me to achieve a satisfying intimate experience. Still, I look at myself like a piece of dirt. I read statements claiming that herpes was actually a blessing in disguise, and I try to apply that to my own situation. I think about how much I have given of myself in my relationships, how many opportunities I passed up because I valued my partner more than myself, only later to find out, it was all for nothing.

 

So then I think maybe it could be a blessing for me. I could learn to value myself more, to do the things that are beneficial for me and take charge of my life. The sad truth is that I never really cared much about my own life. The only thing I've ever wanted, the only thing I've ever really sought after, was love. I want to be blissfully in love with someone and to give myself completely to that person and have them love me in return. I feel like that hope has been taken from me. I feel that the one thing I wanted most in this world, the only thing I was really sure about, has vanished. I feel that I am doomed to a miserable life of loneliness and shame. I don't know how to change that. I don't know how to be happy with myself or by myself. I have never been enough for myself. I apologize for the obnoxiously long message. I just have this constant battle in my head ALL THE TIME and I guess rambling helps me to sort it out... somewhat.

 

There is a part of me that wants to be hopeful, and there is the other part that thinks there is no hope. How do I reconcile the two? How do I conquer my own thoughts and find the will to keep on going?

Posted

I remember this internal battle in myself. I actually started of suicidal when I got herpes. Wow. (Can you believe that?) Looking back on this time for me has me realizing how entrenched I was in stigma and bullshit thinking. I have so much compassion for that sad person I once was. And my heart goes out to you in your internal struggle. It sounds exhausting. And I feel like I can relate.

 

My heart aches in a beautiful way when I read "The only thing I've ever wanted, the only thing I've ever really sought after, was love." And then my immediate curiosity is to know what you love about yourself? Could you take this time to fall in love with yourself? To be that same friend it sounds like you have been for everyone else in your life? What would it be like for you to shine that kind of compassion and joy onto yourself? It sounds like you already know all of this, but I wonder if hearing it from me will help to really grind it in deeper? ;) Love yourself. Accept yourself. Right now. As you are. Forgive yourself for your choices. Our choices and how we handle what come out of our choices is what makes us into the person we are.

 

It's not about conquering your own thoughts. It's about making an active decision that whenever those thoughts come up and you find yourself entrenched in that bullshit "I'm not enough/I'm dirty/I deserve to be sad/I'll never find anyone to love me" paradigm, you decide in that moment to forgive yourself again, to accept yourself. Enough shaming. Enough beating yourself up. It'll take something for you to love yourself. You've worked the not loving yourself muscle for long enough, sista. ;) It's time to start working the muscle that will have you feeling grateful and alive again. Because you are alive. And that's the awesome part.

 

Welcome to the community, Paradise_Lost. Much love and big hugs. Keep reaching out if you need to. We're here for you.

This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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Posted

It definitely doesn't feel so great to be alive right now. I didn't love myself before I had herpes, how in the hell am I supposed to now? I have absolutely nothing going for me. My last relationship pretty much wiped me out financially, then I got laid off from work, I get unemployment but its not even enough to pay all of my bills so I had to move back in with my parents. Until now, I had been supplementing my unemployment with what little I still had saved after my breakup and now that's gone. I just had to borrow money from my mother to cover my student loan payment. My parents aren't wealthy by any means and my mom has been in and out of the hospital for the past 4 or 5 years. Last year she found out she had breast cancer so she has a mountain of medical bills. I can't expect them to pay my bills for me and I don't want them to. I should be able to take care of myself by now. Then to top it all off, I find out I have herpes. I haven't had any luck finding a job and today I found out that my unemployment has been cut off. I have worked and paid taxes since I was 16 and this is the first time I have ever drawn unemployment. I've only been drawing for 2 months and I only get 404/month. My ex has been drawing unemployment for over a year now and he gets 415/week! He hasn't had any problems. I've just been caught in a constant shit storm for about 3 months now and I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying and failing. I really hate to be a debbie downer, and I appreciate your kind words, truly, but I just can't see the silver lining anymore.

Posted

Yep, I get it. You have a pretty impressive list of reasons why you should be in the dumps right now. And what if you convince us that you should be sad based on everything that is going on in your life? What if we all agree with you that your life is the way that you see it?

 

I'm also curious, amidst this list of stuff you're suffering about. What about the things you're grateful for?

 

Also, it doesn't always have to feel great to be alive, too. This isn't about forcing a smile onto your face when what you really feel is sadness. It's about allowing yourself to authentically feel what is true. And what is true for you can shift based on what you put your focus into. See both sides of that? That is what being alive truly is. Only by truly experiencing our lives as they are can we fully live life. And it's hard to hear this when what you are feeling is disconnected and shut down and spiteful (I imagine you feeling all these things) when all of those things are what you don't want.

 

And again, my heart goes out to you still. Here's to you finding the beauty even in the darkness.

 

Have you heard the metaphor how when photographs were developed on film that the only way that the richness of color came into the photographs was by sitting in the darkness. That's where all the color comes from.

 

Love yourself. Even in the darkness. This may be your biggest test yet. And remember. It's only a test. ;)

This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

Helpful resources:

Posted

Well, I for one am getting a little sick of tests! lol You have no idea how many times I have been tested. I have been through a lot in my short time here on earth and I've certainly had more than my fair share of darkness, but I managed to get through all of it and smile. I've even been able to forgive. Although, I do think a lot of my negativity towards myself stems from issues I dealt with growing up. I guess right now this just feels like the last straw. I was able to come up with a few silver linings though: I'll probably never have my heart broken again, I'll have plenty of time to catch up on reading and enjoying the outdoors, and I can spend more time with my family. Being untouchable will free up a lot of time for me that I would have otherwise spent chasing that unicorn I call true love. There will also be less disappointment. So I guess there are some positives. And I haven't completely lost sight of the things I am thankful for, like my family. They are the greatest people I know, my mother is a constant inspiration, my step-dad has the biggest heart of anyone I know, and my brothers are my best friends in the entire world. I will always be very grateful for them. I don't think I would be here without them. It also saddens me though because I feel like I can't talk to them about what I'm going through right now. I don't want them to look at me any differently. That would absolutely break my heart. It is really nice to have someone to talk to though. You really don't know how much it means to me :) I think I'll be okay in time. It's just going to take some getting used to. I have always been able to adapt, I suppose this shouldn't be any different. Thanks again for the support. I do feel a bit better after getting all the crap out lol

Posted

Yeah, I don't blame you for being a bit perturbed! A lot of tests! ;) And I hear the bit of sarcasm in your list of what you're grateful for. In those, you're still assuming that how you feel about herpes now is how you will always feel about herpes. It's only a dealbreaker if you convince yourself it is. Over the long term many people will tell you that it has no negative impact on their intimate lives.

 

And I say this with all sincerity from my personal experience: I have had more intimate, beautiful, passionate relationships since having herpes than before having herpes. Maybe it's that I have grown in life in general, but I believe a lot of this beautiful intimacy is because there is more depth, trust and authenticity in my relationships than ever before due to the vulnerability of having the herpes talk and really, deeply caring about my partners. I promise you it will get better. Just keep loving yourself and keep the possibility wide open that others will love you, too. Because they will if you make yourself available to it.

This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

Helpful resources:

Posted

Oh, I'm sure I'll always be a hopeless romantic. I'm just indulging in a bit of melodrama and self pity at the moment. I am only human, after all. I still see the beauty in the world. I'm still amazed every time I look up on a clear night. The stars are really beautiful when you live in the middle of nowhere lol It puts things into perspective for me. It reminds me that in this great, big, vast universe I am only I tiny insignificant spec. And suddenly, in the grand scheme of things, my problems don't seem so big. I find that comforting. Of course, these moments of peaceful clarity are fleeting, but they're nice while they last.

Posted

Paradise Adrial is right...what you think about expands and the more you focus on what is wrong the more you get of it and the bigger it is. I like it that you have been finding things to be grateful for.

 

I started a 'Dear Life Thank You' list when I was 23...I had been given 6 months to live and I had a brand new baby who would have no mother. I was terrified and had to find a way out of it, I didn't want my baby feeling that fear and I wanted to live. So I started a gratitude list every day - at first it was only a couple of things but I hung on to them. I kept going and forced myself to find 50 things a day - freaking hard!!! BUT I did, the smallest of things ---- now 30 years later I still do it, all day every day....and as for relationships... again I'm with Adrial (love you! :-) )

 

"And I say this with all sincerity from my personal experience: I have had more intimate, beautiful, passionate relationships since having herpes than before having herpes. Maybe it's that I have grown in life in general, but I believe a lot of this beautiful intimacy is because there is more depth, trust and authenticity in my relationships than ever before due to the vulnerability of having the herpes talk and really, deeply caring about my partners."

 

Even though its been a rollercoaster, its been an adventure and its because of what Adrial wrote...my best relationships have been since I got H.

 

Yep allow yourself those self pity moments ( I've had a few!) but work on building more moments of peaceful clarity. Glad you posted hon...I do know how you feel, and I know you can rise above it and shine like those stars :-) Big hug xx

Posted

Thank you Lelani, I'm so glad to hear your amazing story! I'm thankful that you are still here today and your able to give me words of encouragement. Big hug to you too :) There are a lot of great people on this site and I'm really glad I found it. Reading other stories and seeing how other people are not just coping with this condition, but living fuller and more satisfying lives has been incredibly helpful for me. I find that I am getting a little stronger each day. The negativity is slowly making way for hope. I have been focusing on getting my life in order and things are beginning to look up for me. I am expecting a call about a great job in the next few hours. I had already put a deposit down on an apartment a few weeks ago so they would hold it for me, so with a little help I'll be moving into my own space. I'm already decorating it in my head lol I'm thinking bright happy colors :) I'm really excited for the first time in a good while. I honestly think that good things are in store for me. I haven't had to have the disclosure talk with anyone yet, so I'm sure I'll have some trials ahead, but I know that I can always come here for advice and understanding. Thank you all again. You are all such an inspiration!

  • 2 weeks later...
Posted

Paradise_Lost I can fully relate to you. Every feeling. When I found out (5 months now) That I had H I was so devastated the first thing I wanted was for the earth to swallow me up. I thought of driving off a cliff or into a pole or something. I was depressed forever. It's been 5 months and now I can't believe how far I've come. I have good and bad days just like I did before. I also did not like myself completely. I made the decision to go to therapy to help me because I couldn't even work I was at work but not working. I'm almost done with a depression/anxiety group. I thought I was going to therapy initially because of H but I haven't onced talked about H. I have talked about my bully of a boss, my issues with my past and my ex, my other hurts and trials in life. I am truly learning to love me and how to cope with all sorts of depression and anxiety. I am becoming a better person for me and I hope now a better person to attract the right person to be in my life. It is not easy. This is something none of us want I'm sure but I know that I can survive. Keep your head up and know you are not alone and feel what you feel that's the only way to heal. I tried for so long not to feel the hurt, void and pain my ex left in me that I never left him go and he became my crutch and ironically became my giver. I am now at a point where I must face these things head on. Feel the pain because now he is completely gone where he should've been. And the beautiful thing is I finally see how much people really have loved me all along and how much love I can give though I am hurting. You too will get there. We are here for you.!! lots of love

  • 2 months later...
Posted

I can also fully relate to every feeling you mention here. I am also a 24 year old girl, newly diagnose a hopeless romantic who got the shitty end of the herpes stick. I posted my story in another thread before reading yours and was amazed at how similar the situations are we are in.

  • 1 month later...
Posted

I can relate to this a lot.... the joy one minute then the pain the next...I've been on an emotional roller coaster since Christmas 2012... and while I've tried accepting it for what it is, my boyfriend ( maybe ex?) hasn't made it easy. He actually denied it until last month. He accused me of just about everything... the heartache was and still is constant. All I want is real love, real unconditional love... and that to me ( his lying and accusations) aren't real love. I can't help but to think that because of this diagnoses... that I'll be alone... I want to be happy, I do but I'm scared.

I'm new here by the way... I'll post my story later... just felt the need too connect.

  • 3 months later...
Posted

These really help!! 19yr male here!. Is there many younger girls that are mature enough to accept something like H!? The pressure of finding and deciding if they are trustworthy enough not to tell people after a 7-8 month relationship ends or worse.. plain rejection and exposure straight after? Feeling like the light at the end of the tunnel is a fair few years away..

  • 1 month later...
Posted

Dear Paradise Lost-- your story really hit home for me. I have many of the same hopeless and worthless feelings. I am new here and just spend my time reading posts and commenting. I too am very hard on myself. All the hard work I've done, all the love I've given and all that time I gave.... All gone in the blink of an eye. I have not yet posted my personal story yet, but you remind me of myself. I know your post is from a while ago. How are you feeling these days? Has anything changed for you? I would be interested in how you are doing now. Much love, abc123

  • 4 weeks later...
Posted

Reading your post was emotional for me as it reminded me a LOT of myself. I was just diagnosed yesterday and turned 30 a few weeks ago. I thought I was worried about being 30, little did I know I had bigger problems. I also deal with not really liking myself so hearing this just makes it that much worse. At this point I can't say I see anything good coming from this and I am even more angry at life than I was before. Have you been abel to conquer some of your bad feelings since your diagnosis?

Posted

I feel for you and we are not very different at all I was a mess I went through how can this happen to me however I am in a relationship with an amazing man who has accepted me and will not leave because of it I just found out in oct so it's still a sore subject but honestly as the days go by sometimes I don't even think about I the worst is when an ob is active you can't forget it but now I'm struggling with the fear of getting another one I feel like everything I do is gonna cause it I'm just trying to relax and and enjoy everything I can and lie a normal life

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