What to expect -- my first time disclosing in 20 years?

[Ajmj3726]

I have been with my soon to be ex husband for 20 years so I actually forgot what this was like -- aaaargh! So I'm dating a new guy, there have been 2 really great dates and I feel like it's getting to be time to disclose. I am so scared. Haven't done this in so long and am terrified of being rejected. I want to know what to expect. What are the odds that he reacts well vs not well? I just want to be prepared. Please share your points of view, thank you! I am so glad I found this forum!

[Blessings55]

ah Ajmj...there is no way to predict..if he can see how truly wonderful you are then he will deal with it accordingly..it wont be a big deal. Then you will know you have a keeper..if he gets all freaked out..then you know he was not worth your time...OR he may just need some time to adjust to it. ..so be kind to him too...any way... go on to this forum and you will see the herpes talk, disclosing. That will give you an idea of others experiences. Let me know how it goes, I will be sending you positive and warm thoughts. Good luck

[lelani]

Sending you good thoughts too Ajmj...Blessings is right - H is like a little insurance policy to get the best guy! Read up and be prepared, disclose knowing you have integrity and honesty and you care enough about him to share it with him. I haven't had a man reject me...but if I did then I know for certain he isn't the one for me (not being rejected over H doesn't mean it works out either...there are many other things that stop a relationship in its tracks!). Doesn't make it easier when the crunch comes but I don't look at it as rejection, rather their reaction is a barometer showing if they are one of the worthy few ;-).

Yes be kind to him too...I chose to be with someone with H and needed to talk about what it would mean for me, for him etc. I have a new man now and gave him the same time, we have talked about it and haven't had sex yet - it's been so lovely to get to know each other, build up some awesome energy....and finally tomorrow is the night ;-). His reaction to H has told me all I need to know about him and he's a keeper. He says my honesty and understanding of him having to deal with it too made him think I'm one too :-). You can't control his reaction but you can offer integrity and honesty - the most important things any loving relationship :-). Take a deep breath and know that you have more good vibes coming your way for this and you aren't alone. xx PYes please let us know how you go??

[Ajmj3726]

Thanks so much Blessings and Lelani. Your words have really helped me with my confidence. H is such a minor part of my life, except at times likes these when it seems to overshadow everything! Will let you know how it goes. Lelani all the best for your night with your man... he sounds like a dream!

[Autumna]

Ajmj3726, I feel ya... I was in the same boat, married for 20 years never had to have the "talk" and I have been single for a year now and let me tell you it does get easier!!

So far I have never been rejected, but I have just recently met someone who was fine at first but just can't seem to get past it! but I know its for a reason, he is not the one... good luck and this is the best website, I am so thankful for it and just when you think you know all there is to know about h, nope. lol

I am more confident now that I have found this page and don't stress if I have to have the "talk" because I have answers at my finger tips... good luck

A

[DrSuz]

So glad I stopped in today! Feels good to be here. :-) I am in a similar boat, Ajmj! I recently ended an 8 year relationship where H was a total non-issue. My partner didn't even blink years ago when I told him and we were able to giggle somehow about it. He just had that kind of sense of humor. We also decided at some point we were okay without barriers and latex. Overall he was an awesome one on this.

Now that I am moving back into dating I am having some anxiety about The Talk. There is a man I've been flirting with for months and we happen to live far away from each other. I recently just saw him and was internally pressuring myself to have the talk. It did not happen. I started and totally froze up. After a bizarre silence he just grabbed me lovingly for a big hug and said, "it's okay. We don't have to do anything. This is perfect." My body relaxed. We still had a lovely and very sensual time together, and it stayed within very clear safe parameters.

What I realized from this experience for me is that I often get ahead of myself instead of staying with myself in relationships. The truth is, for many reasons, I am not ready to really start a sexual relationship right now with him or anyone. I knew that I was having inner conflict about getting the words out. It was too soon. And I have done a good job since in not beating myself up. I'm sure in the past I would've tortured myself for not having the talk. The way it played out was good.

I am also working on my own headspace and another level of making peace with H. I still have moments of feeling like it is bigger than I am. And that's not a great space to communicate from.

It sounds like you are doing everything right, Ajmj! Sharing the H info and discussing the possibilities for how to proceed in your relationship path with this guy will tell you a lot about him AND YOU! It's also great (as I just learned) to trust the timing and natural flow for disclosing.

You will do great! Deep breaths! Be nice to yourself! You will be able to relax and set your mind at ease to share this when the time is right. And his response/ reaction does not change who you are or the connection you have with him. It might change the path that you take together, but not who you are or the possibility for you to have EVERYTHING your heart desires. With or without this particular guy. He is not the answer to your happiness or fulfillment. We are the ones who give that to ourselves.

Wishing you an easy, blessed time of disclosure where you remember how wonderful, worthy and special you are and know that you deserve nothing less than someone who honors, adores and cherishes you exactly as you are! Woohoo!! Let us know how it goes!!

Peace,

Suzanne

[Ajmj3726]

Thanks for your note. I really relate to a lot of what you say. For example I realized that I too was getting ahead of myself, when I started stressing about this after only 2 dates. Now I have been seeing this guy just over a month, we will go on our 8th date this weekend. I really like him and can visualize a relationship with him, and I feel like he feels the same way. So now it is really time. But first, I have to have another talk with him, because I don't want to sleep with him unless he is willing to be exclusive with me. I will have that talk first... and if I decide he is worthy, I will then have the H talk. Over the last month I have really gotten to a much better place in my own mind. I know I have a lot to offer, and that H is such a minor and insignificant part of who I am. I plan to present the news as casually as I can, not a big deal, because that is the truth for me. He is 52 years old and has been single for 10 years, so I have a feeling he has probably come across H with other women in the past. Hopefully he is as cool about this as he has been about everything else so far. Wish me luck friends! I will check back in after the talk. Thanks so much to all of you for the support, it is so helpful.

[ceegee]

I am new here and the reason I came aboard is I contracted genital herpes 35 years ago when I was young did not know any better from a man who failed to disclose to me. Fast forward, I met a man at 21 years old and disclosed to him; he had no problem with it. We got married and I was with him for 27 years. I have not had an outbreak for over 20 years. I am divorced now, 5 years, and am just started dating again. I met a man I really like and I am having serious anxiety about disclosure. Being my age, things are different than with younger people. This man has had only one partner in his entire life...I had multiple partners prior to marriage, but I was faithful for the entirety of my marriage. I'm not sure when to disclose. We've only been out a few times although we talk and text quite a bit. I don't want to take to much time as he has already told me how much he likes me...I like him alot too. I don't think sex is in the near future, but I don't want to wait until our relationship grows deeper. Any advice?

[Ajmj3726]

ceegee, I decided to wait until I knew I wanted to have sex with him. For me that was about 4 or 5 weeks, it was our 8th date and we definitely did a lot of fooling around (without intercourse) leading up to that. So I waited longer than some people might have, but I didn't want someone knowing something so private about me unless I was 100% sure I wanted to be that close and intimate with him.

Hope that helps.