HSV2 for 28 years, F

[Bambina3]

Soooooo I started to slowly "come out" and tell only those that are supposed to love and care for me...I hit a road block and clammed up.

I told my best friend of 30 years...she was accepting and loving...I could tell by the look on her face she was worried, along the way she had a partner I did (years later)....she said she would not seek testing, she didn't want to know, nor tell her husband.

 

At dinner tonite I was prepared to tell my husband...I started to talk about both types of herpes...what it was etc...I told him someone close to my heart had genital herpes, he asked who? I said does it matter?(I was testing the waters) how he would feel about that...his reply "I wouldn't want to be near someone with herpes.

I clammed up...changed subject...done

 

Sigh

[fitgirl]

@Bambina as much as that comment is a dagger to you..... it's also a comment born from ignorance... he has herpes so the sooner he gets real with it and you come clean, the sooner you can move on with more enlightened lives. It's gonna hurt to own your indescretions it's going to be hard for you both but the truth is the truth. Stepping up will make you feel better in the long run . I guarantee it. You can have herpes and a"normal" life not knowing..... having children etc..... what are you hiding from really? What are you running from? One day that road will come to a dead end. Why not get off it now ?

[Bambina3]

I'm hiding from the stigma....the reality...there's no talking your way out of how this was contracted...

 

I'm getting better in terms of not crying all the time...I've always been strong and independent..this has made me feel week..

[2Legit2Quit]

@bambina3 hahaha... You're ability to take that lke a champ us nothing less than amazing and shows how strong you are! Which then prices to me further, the type if woman you are and you are better than all this!

 

I have several friends who have had several babies born through vaginal birth and are as healthy as the next and they had herpes.

 

The longer you hold this off, the more sleepless nights you will have and there is no easy way to break the news to someone about this.

 

you may be experiencing obs now, due to a shift in hormones.

 

The reasons why I suggested the first time about the affair's being kept to yourself, are the reasons @stillmebutwiser stated.... However, they're current and would still be going on, if it weren't for this discovery confirming H and is why on another note, I feel it may be necessary to come clean. This one iss a tough situation. Even if you don't share the H information w your hubby, but tell him if the affairs, I'd make the assumption he may then start to question the rashes he gets... Most women would at least... Men are pretty dense, so he may not...

 

You know what to do in your heart, strong women do not act cowardly, we face our adversaries.

[msmee]

As far as his comment goes, a lot of people say that until they either have it or know someone that has it. Sometimes water testing doesn't work and u gotta just put it out there and be done with it.

[Bambina3]

Just an update...I'm still moooozing along ignoring the fact of my diagnosis...and only my long term bestie knows...I had a long drive over the weekend and lots of thoughts ran thru my head...a man...a friend....I really could care less what they think of me if its negative...but my grown children....a whole other subject...I would do what I had to...to protect them from any hurt or stigma...and how they view me, and only them...matters

 

So I'm treading lightly right now.

 

Thanks everyone for all your feedback above ;)

[msmee]

My mom has herpes and she didn't tell me until I told her my diagnosis. She doesn't know what type and she found out while she was married informed my dad and moved on. I'm grown and she's my rock. Lucky to have her

[2Legit2Quit]

If you only care about what your kids think, then why have you not at least disclosed to the man you had an affair w? Is this because you don't want the affair to end deep down? Be honest w yourself. The truth will set you free.

[Bambina3]

@msmee I'm so glad to hear you have that kind of bond with your mom....but notice she didn't share until you told her about your diagnosis...I will handle it the same way...what they think of me and how they view me means more than anything or anyone else...if I needed to share my diagnosis in hopes to comfort them, that is what I would do.

 

@2Legit2quit ok you have a point, I don't want it end...I don't want to leave home for several reasons (no need to duscuss)but....we have similar concerns with our marriages...he's really hot and good in bed...(that was pretty blunt).

 

 

Sooooooo today I decided to bring my decades old chart to my primary care physician office...she was not there...but her nurse was...pointed out to me the same reason that brought me to seek medical attention to be currently diagnosed...is the same that brought me in back then...although I wasn't officially tested for herpes back then...she confirmed she has no doubt it was herpes...like many of you have stated for whatever reasons it went dormant or I had mild outbreaks. She also strongly suggested I tell my affair. She said it is completely possible he also had it prior to me, and maybe that got me flared up as well,..all theory, speculation...bottom line I've had it for decades...a "veteran" as I have seen it referred to onsite...

 

For a strong confident self sufficient woman that I view myself, and others view me, this has brought me to my knees very weak, just saying.

 

 

[2Legit2Quit]

Is there a possibility he already had it? Yes, but there's a very strong one he didn't have it and his wife is the innocent party in all this. Listen, H hasn't caused issues in your life, but there are people w autoimmune diseases or other health issues like diabetes and H wrecks havoc on out health. You have no idea how awful H has been for soneone like me who has 2 autoimmune disease's and stage four endometriosis. I need another surgery for my endometriosis and will have a full hysterectomy and I'm terrified to ha e the surgery when I'm living in pain like I am, because of what H is going to do after the surgery and while we figure out the right hormones to get me on. I can't even keep it under control now on daily suppression, so you gotta think about the other person. I get what you're saying, but it is coming from a completely selfish place. You are more concerned about a good lay, then putting two people at risk.

 

BTW, if two people have herpes, herpes does not make the other person's herpes flare up. Your nurse is incorrect on that. Sex on the other hand, can trigger, but you started you were in the midst of another OB, when you had sex w him, so that rules that part out. Obviously it's pretty clear you're going to do what you want, but I highly advised against it. The wife could get this and actually sue you believe it or not. It is illegal to knowingly pass herpes and not disclose. Not sure you k ew that.

[2Legit2Quit]

Is there a possibility he already had it? Yes, but there's a very strong one he didn't have it and his wife is the innocent party in all this. Listen, H hasn't caused issues in your life, but there are people w autoimmune diseases or other health issues like diabetes and H wrecks havoc on out health. You have no idea how awful H has been for soneone like me who has 2 autoimmune disease's and stage four endometriosis. I need another surgery for my endometriosis and will have a full hysterectomy and I'm terrified to ha e the surgery when I'm living in pain like I am, because of what H is going to do after the surgery and while we figure out the right hormones to get me on. I can't even keep it under control now on daily suppression, so you gotta think about the other person. I get what you're saying, but it is coming from a completely selfish place. You are more concerned about a good lay, then putting two people at risk.

 

BTW, if two people have herpes, herpes does not make the other person's herpes flare up. Your nurse is incorrect on that. Sex on the other hand, can trigger, but you started you were in the midst of another OB, when you had sex w him, so that rules that part out. Obviously it's pretty clear you're going to do what you want, but I highly advised against it. The wife could get this and actually sue you believe it or not. It is illegal to knowingly pass herpes and not disclose. Not sure you k ew that.

[Bambina3]

Yikes about the illegal...didn't know that..have roamed your site and saw patients bring up that issue...I'll have to google it...it is morally incorrect not to disclose, so yes...I will disclose to my current affair, when I am emotionally in the right place...until then I have been refraining...he's a good lay (as you term it) not only for the reasons I stated above, but because he's also been my friend for over 20 years, he trusted me, I unknowingly let him down....I have failed many people in many ways and didn't know it until recently...

 

I have a lot of anger towards the medical community now, they shoved me off like it was no big deal,...told me it was common...handed me a script and my only instruction was to refrain from sex for 10 days....

 

I come to the net....its a lifelong std, etc etc.

 

You would think the medical community would have some responsibility in all this...safe sex practice maybe? Education?

 

Tonite I was at strength training class...we laid on the mat, the bar over us, doing pelvic thrusts...I silently started to cry...the instructor came over, made sure I was ok, and helped me get on track with class...all I thought laying there was "dirty ho"...

 

I will get past this...and to the acceptance phase, I know that...when I do I'll deal with my mess. I was diagnosed with HPV approx 10 years ago, had surgery...I felt the same way, and did eventually disclose.

 

Shoving me under the rug, telling me this is common, with no education or awareness is wrong!!

 

 

[Bambina3]

I called my nurse today at my PCP office..when I was there the other day I requested to have the blood test done to look for antibodies...I was denied...I wanted that test for my own piece of mine for recent infection verses older infection...based on my documentation without confirmation years ago...her response was that I contracted it back then, it has been dormant, and for whatever reason it became active...she said the swab was all that was necessary, my treatment was appropriate by my OBGYN.

It's been approx 3/4 weeks after my ob...I think now it's a mute point...it will show positive...not sure if numbers mean anything...but now I have to live with assumptions. Pretty shitty if you want my opinion...I requested the blood test, I should of received it. Both my OBGYN and PCP denied giving it to me.

[Bambina3]

Soooo maybe nothing I have written warrants a feedback from anyone, or comment...and that's ok....but what about a hug? Are we not all here because we are suffering in one form or another

 

Just sayin

[chikitta13]

@Bambina3 when I was first diagnosed (culturally) I had to fight tooth and nail to get the blood test. And I'm glad I did, because it was negative, indicating a new infection. Since I had not been sexually active with anyone other than my partner at the time in over six months, I was able to safely assume it was him who transmitted the virus (he had positive blood test results). This helped me to know which partners I needed to contact.

 

I would suggest finding a clinic in the area that will provide it. You may have to pay if your doctor doesn't recommend it, but if it brings you piece of mind to know, that it's worth while. Although blood tests are not entirely accurate, they are much better than they used to be.

[WCSDancer2010]

@Bambina3

 

First:

 

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

Sorry - I'm still catching up from being out of town ... I have TONS of backlog in several areas that I'm trying to get through...

 

 

I have a lot of anger towards the medical community now, they shoved me off like it was no big deal,...told me it was common...handed me a script and my only instruction was to refrain from sex for 10 days....

 

I come to the net....its a lifelong std, etc etc.

 

You would think the medical community would have some responsibility in all this...safe sex practice maybe? Education?

 

Well, to the Medical community, Herpes isn't a big deal ... to them it's a nuisance skin condition in a really inconvenient place.... and THEY really struggle with understanding how people "over-react" (to their thinking). Yes, it's lifelong. But it doesn't kill you and it mostly just causes some pain and inconvenience for most people from time to time. Just like Irritable Bowel, or Allergies, or whatever.

 

Yes, it would be nice to have better education. It's something I'm working on in my part of the Herpes world. But your kind of reaction is EXACTLY why the CDC doesn't want everyone tested...because they feel that knowing is worse for many than not knowing that they have what the CDC sees as an issue that isn't *medically* that big of a deal. Now, I don't agree with that, but just explaining to you their thinking.

 

As for your kids. I told both my daughters because I wanted them to know to test for it, and to always use protection. And to always ask my new partners to get tested. If you get properly informed FIRST, this can actually be a way to bond ... they should appreciate the info ... and the fact that you got this when you were around their age makes the conversation all the more personal for you to have with them. It's your choice. But that's how I handled it.

 

Lastly... sure, your hubby and your affair may be great in bed. They may be hot. They may be lots of things. But honey, do you want to stay in a relationship that is not 100% authentic and honest and open? Or do you want to live in fear of being found out?

 

If you are having affairs, something else is broken. I hope you will get some counseling so you can start to be honest with yourself about why and how this all came to happen. Perhaps this OB was your body trying to tell you that you need to do a personal inventory and figure out where you want to take your life in the future :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[Bambina3]

Thank you so much for the input....and the hugs !!

 

I know my behavior is part of an underlying problem...I've also trusted my husband several times with personal family matters (sometimes asking him not to repeat, other times I didn't think I had to say that urgh)....and it was like posting a telegraph...he's aired things on Facebook, at his job.....I'll figure it out...I know hubs and current affair need to know...I've received great advice above.

 

I do not think Google is my friend anymore...I've read so much on h I feel sick...I've read as time goes on it can weaken your immune system making it easier for opportunic infections in.

 

To be continued.....

 

Hugs !!

[msmee]

Google is evil, stay away from it. There's so much bad info, it'll completely screw with your head

[2Legit2Quit]

@bambina3 sorry, I went out if town Friday and Thur was crazy, so I've been quiet, until coning back in town today.

.I can understand now how much harder that is for you, being you two are close friends, but what's going to make it worse, is if he already it to his wife if he does have it. That's even worse than you telling him and him getting tested and taking precautions, but I digress. You're a grown adult and I can only hope that you'll make the right decision in due time.

 

You're not a dirty ho .. You didn't know you had it, you gotta stop beating yourself up in that part. It's what you do in the present moment, that counts the most, because that's all we can ci teol and sets the precedence for the future.

[Anna01]

Wow I am SUPER late to the party. I am so sorry I haven't responded to you yet. This is the first time I am reading this post. I guess I unknowingly gravitate to posts that have a distressed title. My apologies.

 

First let me say (BIG HUG) we all understand what it is like to have some information weigh down on us. I am telling you right now, it will not truly let up until you get the weight OFF of your chest. The only way to do that is to be honest. Honesty is the best policy....period. I hate that your husband is a blabber mouth. That is not an attractive trait in my opinion. Still, even though his behavior is obnoxious, yours doesn't need to be.

 

I have to admit that some things you have said throughout your thread make me question what you really feel. I feel you had an initial shock from your diagnosis and it caused you to feel guilty for your affairs. Then you turn around and talk very candidly and comfortably about your current affair. It doesn't really seem like you care too much about what you are doing. That makes me kind of sad. It is a shame that this stupid stigma outweighs every moral and value I feel you should have. Your fear of the stigma is pressuring you to remain silent. Sometimes we have to take a hard look at ourselves and decide what kind of person do we want to be. Do you want to face your fears and conquer them or do you want to crumble underneath them and become a victim. I don't know about you but I prefer to make fears my b****!

 

I think you are bigger than this. You are bigger than a wife whose needs are ignored by her husband. You are bigger than an adulterer who is cheating with someone who is currently married. You are more than a woman who can't own up to the fact you have an std and have current partners you NEED to inform of your condition. You are bigger than all of that. The only person holding you back is the person you see when you look in the mirror. Not to sound too harsh but your behavior is just not good, not good at all.

 

So like @WCSDancer2010 always says (and I love when she does because it is SO true) you made a mess and now you have got to clean it up. Until you do that, you spirit is going to be disturbed. Secrets, lies and deceit cause these negative feelings. Not being true to yourself causes insecurities and discontent. It's one thing to wait until you get the courage to get tested. I can understand that but to wait until YOU ARE READY to tell someone you are currently active with (whom has a wife at home!) you do have an STI, is extremely selfish. I am not sure how old you are but your behavior is not very mature right now. I am 26 years old and I know already that shit gets hard! We have uncomfortable situations we have to overcome and we have to do things we don't want to do. This is one of those things. So it doesn't matter if you cry like a baby, have a panic attack or whatever when you come clean, but damn it you need to come clean.

 

Please understand I am in no way judging you. I know first hand what it is to make mistakes. I also know first hand how to take responsibility for my actions. I know you do too. So do it. Then come back here for support and comfort if shit hits the fan. This is a little tough love from me to you.

 

I do have one question though, are you interested in staying with your husband? Is he someone you want to be with forever or are you considering a divorce?

 

Once again ((((BIG HUG))))

 

-Anna

 

 

[Bambina3]

@Anna01,thank you for the additional feedback and the hugs ;)

 

All personal issues aside..I have questions (rather ask people that have gone thru it)

 

What about physical signs? Yes I know everyone can be different.... I also know what prompted me to seek treatment this time, but...my ob was inside...I saw one pimple outside at the time, Who knows now what that was..

But other than extreme distress, how the hell will I know when I have an ob? Sometimes knowing is worse than not knowing....I don't want to be running to the doctor...wanting him to put me up on the table every time I think there is a problem...according to my labs I'm also in menopause (i am mid forties)....that adds to my "what is it?"

Urghhhh

[Bambina3]

I did get my answer to my question above from reading around the forums

 

I'm interest now in transmission of hsv2 if no intercourse is involved...just outside genital to genital transmission ( female to male, my ob was inside)

 

Do we have a specific forum I can look at it category I can search in about transmission?

Or do I go to dreaded Google?

 

Thanks ;)

[Bambina3]

Since sept 24....I have had not one feedback from anyone...granted...I found all my answers, but I thought this was an interactive website...just an observation

[2Legit2Quit]

@anna01

[WCSDancer2010]

Since sept 24....I have had not one feedback from anyone...granted...I found all my answers, but I thought this was an interactive website...just an observation

 

***TOUGH LOVE ALERT***

 

Sorry but this is an all volunteer site for one thing. We don't get paid to spend hours on here answering the 10-20 conversations that are going on at any one time. I have personally spent 2-4hrs/day on here many days (I often also have anywhere from 2-8 PM's to answer too) ... sometimes even more. Also, most people just lurk on here and let people like myself, @2legit2quit, @Anna, and the handful of others who are the regular responders do all the work because most feel that we are the "experts" ... So I'm going to be perfectly blunt here: We ARE here for you, but we are here for many other people too. So if we don't get back to you, it's not personal. We just have lives outside of here and more than enough on here to deal with....

 

AND - if we keep seeing someone who is not willing to learn/grow, we will put our efforts towards those who will....you don't seem too concerned with disclosing to the people who you have/are intimate with ... we have all given you our opinion about that...

I don't know that there's much more we can say to you there.

 

As far as your questions about OB's - like you said, everyone is different. If you have read some other threads I've likely posted the links in several, but bottom line is it just takes time to recognize YOUR OB symptoms ... and YOUR triggers ...

 

As for transmission... most of the info is in the handouts and other links I post everywhere (and I will post here for you) but generally, HSV2genital passes from skin on skin transmission - as the kind of rubbing that you get with sex ... which often causes mini-tears/chaffed skin which is a superhighway for the virus ... and the virus can be shedding anywhere in the boxer region but will be shedding more in the immediate area of your OB's. So yes, you CAN spread it through non-intercourse if you do some heavy duty grinding ... but the risk will of course be lower than having sex where the skin is thinner and your OB's are most likely to occur.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Hopefully these links will help answer more of your questions:

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-prodrome-symptoms

 

http://herpeslife.com/what-is-herpes-asymptomatic-viral-shedding/

 

Triggers

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-triggers/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/1821/food-drinks-that-causeprolong-herpes-outbreaks/

http://www.sandiegohomeopathy.com/downloads/Lysine_Arginine_Foods.pdf Lysine Arginine ratio of foods

 

http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

 

http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/

 

Herpes facts video