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HSV2 for 28 years, F


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I don't have major outbreaks. So I am not really the best person to give you advice on outbreaks. However I did respond to your previous posts and to be honest I felt that you brushed me off. I am human. I am not perfect. So yea I felt like, why spend any more time on the matter. I moved on to others who seem like they are in distress and people who want to make their situation better.

 

@WCSDancer2010 gave you the info on the outbreaks. I wish you the best on your journey. That's all. I know shit is hard sometimes. Trust me I do. Still, I think you need to realize that the people you are pushing to respond to you are possibly people who are *victims* of situations like yours. People who wish their partner was just honest with them. I know I wish my ex boyfriend was "ready" to tell me but he thought it would push me away. He wasn't "ready" to be honest but that didn't keep him from being ready to have sex with me. I don't judge you but I have a right to have feelings about your nonchalant approach to this whole thing. Your words paint a picture of someone that doesn't want their cushy little situation to go away. Not someone who knows they are wrong and TRULY want to make it right. Why come running to inform/console someone who doesn't seem to give two f**** about the main people in their own life? Something to think about. You may not know it but this IS tough love. I only want you/me/all of us to grow. I feel honesty plays a major role in that. I want what is best for you....always.

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@anna01, @WCSDancer2010, and @2Legit2Quit

FIRST thanks for all responding NOW let me deal with your assumptions....

 

I have painfully started to disclose...did you think this was an easy process? I am a strong independent woman and was brought to my knees with the discovery of this disease.(like I have with other life matters along the road)..I needed to pick myself up, brush myself off and take care of my "mess",.....

 

did anyone realize I needed to be strong for them? Their worlds were about to be turned upside down thanks to me, I didn't want to be a mess.,.i wanted to be their shoulder, whatever emotion they decided to throw at me,...I needed to be able to put my own selfish emotional needs aside for a minute and be their rock when I told them....in my world it was not a cut and dry process "hey I have a lifelong std that I just exposed to you!"...I needed to get myself in check...I did, and it's handled... I DO CARE for them, and part of caring for them was being solid emotionally for them!!!! It might of taken some time, and some wine nights.....moving forward..end of subject.

 

 

So let me understand this, because everyone "assumed" I didn't disclose my medical questions went unanswered for almost 5 days from anyone? Priceless.

Is that support?

I understand we all have lives, but I have many things I am passionate about, and support many things both in my personal and online world, I don't pick and choose who to support based on their decisions or timeframe on handling things....

Earlier in this thread it was stated I was best to ask advice of others who went thru this versus my medical community.

 

Thank you for the links, I do know most of these sites are volunteer, thank you for your time...ll be looking at links shortly

 

Hugs!

 

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I feel, just like w the other comments, that the message is still not reaching you and there is a break in communication. You didn't address anything that our posts discussed about your dilemma, you seemed to brush us right off and keep it moving and were quite frank, that you didn't want to end it. . Your context was one of not caringcaring about anything, unless it's what you wanted to hear. As @anna01 called out. We are humans w feelings and both her and I got H from someone who lied to us. We have that right to feel a certain way about it, but we don't when we see the person showing humility, empathy and remote, none of which read from your comment's. When we don't see someone feel that remorse and is so nonchalant, it makes it a lot harder to put our feelings on the back burner, when we feel our advice is going through one ear and out the other. When those who make this mistake show remorse, we are very supportive of that.

 

It's not fair for you to not be understanding of what it may be for us as well. Sometimes we need to take a step back to process it, let the personal feelings pass, so we can then be more objective. I am a very passionate person and can be rough around the edges, so I needed time before I could respond.

 

If you told them, that's awesome... I'd just think you'd shares that by now, as usually people need a lot if support after dealing w those heavy emotions, so yes, it appeared (not assuming) you haven't disclosed. Maybe you did, maybe you didn't... I'd say this is the first post for me that has been difficult for me. Demanding we comment doesn't help either, we are not here for your beck and call. I was on vacation when you posted that the first time and then you did it again. I know a brash and forward woman when I see one, because I am one... A little advice from a fellow abrasive female, take it down a notch, you even make me look soft.. Lol... You sound bossy, not like someone who needs support.

 

Hopefully you can take the time to listen to understand and not just reply. We are here for support, but we also don't like feeling like we are talking to a brick wall when we give it. Feels wasted... We are spending our free time here to help others through difficult situations. Hope you can understand. Hugz.

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@Bambina3

 

First off, my response was solely based on me and how I feel. I didn't say "everyone". I said "I" was done with the conversation. A, because I don't have bad outbreaks and B, I had nothing else to say. I responded to your thread. I felt you basically ignored it and started asking questions about things that are not my expertise. If I was very knowledgeable about outbreaks, I would inform you. However, I am not, so I didn't. I am better with the emotional and personal side of this. I admit if your lack of response didn't bother me, I would probably respond stating I don't have much info regarding OBs. A lot of people aren't sure what to say so they never comment. Sometimes we don't get on the site for days at a time. Does that mean that no one cares about your question? No. It means that the people who are likely to respond on a topic haven't gotten to respond yet. So pleeease stop guilt tripping.

 

Like @2Legit2Quit said we talk with people constantly who are in similar situations as yours. They made a huge mistake and they want to make it right. I get a sense that they REALLY want to make it right. You asked did I ever think that maybe you were waiting because you needed to be strong FOR THEM. I didn't think that because you didn't say you wanted to be strong for them. You said "I haven't had the strength yet to tell, I'm in "shock let's avoid all mode". That screams "selfish reasons" to me. Shock lets avoid mode is "ok" when you are in a monogamous relationship with your husband. However, you are sleeping with a man who has a wife. I feel your sense of urgency should be at an all time high. You say you "handled it"...not sure what that means but I am guessing you disclosed? I feel you would tell us more about it if you did. At the end of the day this is your journey. You choose how to live your life. All I can do is hopefully guide you in the right direction. It feels like wasted effort when you respond "Thanks. Personal things aside though......" That seems like "OK anyways...let me change the subject." Which is fine. You don't have to say anything else but neither do I.

 

One thing:

This is something I CHOOSE to do. I am not paid to put my emotions and time aside to be a counselor. I love to help those in need. Sometimes I get feelings...what can I say....I am human. You make mistakes right? So do I.

 

Next thing:

I AM here for you. I DO support you BUT that doesn't mean I have to respond to everything you say/ask. Especially when it feels like wasted effort on my part.

 

Lastly:

Don't let my interaction with you be the defining factor of this site and what it is supposed to be. This IS a place of support and information. No one here can judge you for your choices because we all make them but that doesn't mean we are NEVER going to have feelings about the things we come across. So keep seeking advice. I encourage you to take it in and really think about what people tell you. An outside perspective can be extremely enlightening. I hope you have a smooth journey with this new part of your life. I am still here for you if you need support ok? (HUGS)

 

 

 

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Let me take this one step at a time

 

@2Legit2Quit and @Anna01 in case i need to remind everyone...i am newly diagnosed...or "new" to me....So compassion at its highest is needed and appreciated...Everything that has been said in this thread and what ive read in other threads have been absorbed...I am a complex person...Only my long time best friends understand me, so I certainly dont expect anyone here to just because we are dealing with the same disease...we do not react the same...I can shut down emotion as quicky as i put it on...I often viewed this as a curse...I still think it might be. I go from crying one minute and wanting to hide in silence to "hey lets discuss this"...I found out pretty quickly which one was here just for sex (my so called long term friend) and my husband...I have not talked to my friend since....I do feel bad for his wife...She is actually a kind person....One i know...One i stood and had convos with....knowing what we were doing.(affair).Once in a while id feel guilt, but not usually....I know...very shitty..shame on me.....We were both being selfish...missing things in our marriage and finding it in eachother....My husband "i dont care, even if it was deadly i wouldnt protect, we would die together"....which actually made me very very sad...I always held high moral standards...never cheated....Lonliness drove me out into the cheating arena.(no excuse)..i got caught up in a world i never belonged in due to an emotional disconnect from hubby......so part of me does think i deserve this...I am being punished for my behavior. My reasons were not sex related...i wanted to feel loved and equated it to sex...(see crying...THIS is why i didnt want to get into this GRRRRRR)

I also had a hard time swallowing discolsure because i had to take full blame....On "assumptions"....and coming from a factual person...I still struggle with that..wondering was it me...or wasnt it me...mind boggling...too late...i took the fall for it all.

 

I did NOT want to discuss any of this emotional torment any longer...That is why i brushed it off here...and went to ask questions that were factual based...in terms of contracting and protecting others.

 

I understand you were lied to (Anna) or maybe both (sorry 2Legit)....BUT i didnt lie to anyone...i honestly didnt know what happened years ago "could be" herpes...Trust me...if i did...i would of been pro active with the birth of my children for treatment...Thank God they are fine...BUT...i should of been more educated back then on what they thought it was. Not just sent along my merry way like it was no big deal.

 

Im not putting guilt trips on anyone to answer me...But i need interaction...So if i cant get the support i need here....i will venture to other sites...I have been online for years..dealing with different types of support groups...and various sites...so i wasnt used to going that long without a response...Not that i was being demanding...Just something i have yet to experience...Maybe this is a small site...with very few members that interact...I can also be sympathic to those needs as well....My friend is a mod on another site..(not H related)....However...this is the first H site i joined.

 

@chikitta13 I could not get my pcp nor obgyn to order the blood work...I did decide to go out of the area for my H treatment and seek a clinic about an hour away...The soonest apt i could get is mid October, 2 months after my swab...Im still hoping to get the blood test...just because i want to. Not sure why.

 

 

 

Im sorry to both of you....on how you were exposed...sounds deceitful...But....

@Anna01 a statement like this ...One thing:

This is something I CHOOSE to do. I am not paid to put my emotions and time aside to be a counselor

 

Does that sound like a supportive comment? I listen to my friends all the time....and give my feedback....I wouldnt dream of coming back with a statement like that...

If they are here...or we are here....it obiously means we are seeking support...

You dont have to answer me, nor respond...I am grateful you do...grateful you share..BUT thats not counseling....thats being a kind friend.

 

I think ive written enough...

 

Thanks again for your feedback....and sharing.

 

Hugs to all!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Look....my point was you were complaining about people not responding when people come on here when they can. I also was simply clarifying that I am human and I get emotional. I get on here because I like to be there for people. However, I am not being paid to put my emotions to the side. If I was an employee I would be on here every single day and would not allow my emotions to get involved. This is not a job where I clock in everyday. I am just another person reaching out and sometimes it can be tough.

 

I honestly feel like this back and forth is making zero progress in either of our lives. This is the first somewhat negative interaction I have had on this site and it is not my style. I can tell you are someone who shuts your emotions off. I can sense it. I found it extremely necessary to try to snap you out of it. Hiding from the feelings that comes with this is not going to help you. I feel it only slows down your progression. So face it and stop running. When you have the moments of courage, don't let it go to waste. Sometimes you gotta suck it up and just do it. The outcome is rarely worse than your imagination.

 

H isn't a punishment. It just is what it is. If you have sex, you are at risk, period. This discovery in only pushing you to sort out what is going on with you. So embrace and make the best of it.

Good luck

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Also, just to really clarify because you got the wrong idea. You put emphasis on the word counselor but that was not my point at all. I was referring to my time and level of emotion. I have no problem counseling or being a friend to anyone. I felt you were being overbearing about people not responding in a timely fashion. So I was reminding you that we are not paid counselors here. We are people who try to help. That's it. Obviously I like to show support, to be a shoulder and someone people can turn to; I am here.

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OK Folks - TIME OUT!

 

@Bambina3

 

First, I for one am GLAD you finally allowed yourself to put some of your feeling and emotions on here ...

 

Let me take this one step at a time

Lonliness drove me out into the cheating arena.(no excuse)..i got caught up in a world i never belonged in due to an emotional disconnect from hubby......so part of me does think i deserve this...I am being punished for my behavior. My reasons were not sex related...i wanted to feel loved and equated it to sex...(see crying...THIS is why i didnt want to get into this GRRRRRR)

 

You see, the Truth Will Set You Free .... But First It May Very Well Piss You Off ... being able to admit all this here (ESPECIALLY equating sex=love ... which sooo many people do, so you are not alone with that one!) is a huge breakthrough for you, and for that I applaud you. I know it took a lot of courage for you to write that (never mind admit it to yourself!) ... so you should be proud of yourself... and those tears? Honey, you have GOT to let them out... that realization is HUGE and I am sure that there's a lot of pent up sadness and frustration that made you turn to someone else. So I hope you will try to get some help with that ... counseling, self help books/groups, or even @Adrial who is a GREAT coach.

 

I see all this as a huge turning point for you. A place where you can work on those things that you have been trying to escape through the affair. Be gentle on yourself... you have opened a HUGE wound that you have been putting a band-aid on for a long time and there's a lot of festering mess in there to clean out. But at least now the wound is open to the air and light that will allow it to heal.

 

@Anna01 and @2legit2quit mean well ... they are HUGE contributors on here. But they are just average people, with normal human reactions to things. They are NOT trained in counseling (Neither am I though I'm a Massage Therapist so I am sorta "life trained" by nature of my occupation). So at times perhaps they may not say things in a way that are "perfect" or what you want to hear ... but they really ARE here for you to grow and heal. But remember, they are really not THAT far ahead of you with the journey of healing and acceptance post diagnosis.... so it's easy for things to trigger them.... just as they have triggered you. I think EVERYONE here can try to learn something from this conversation...and the first thing is to not take things people say so personally. We are all coming from our own places of beliefs, cultures, life experiences, past hurts, and the like. We may not always be perfect in our words and support. But I know that they BOTH really DO care... if they didn't they wouldn't keep coming back to reply... ;)

 

So - am I to understand that you did disclose to both men and the lover walked and your husband stood by you? If so, that is pretty powerful and I think that maybe you NEEDED this to get some pretty heavy life lessons....

 

(((HUGS))) friend. I hope you will stick with us. We really ARE one of the best, if not THE best place for support. Sure, we are not always perfect in our responses, and not everyone appreciates my "Tough Love" approach (tho most come back to tell me they needed it later...LOL) but we really do our best to keep the Non-Judgemental zone space.....

 

 

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I for one can admit my biggest fkaw, is taking things personally. I wish I wasn't like that and I self loathing it about every day if my life. @anna01 is 26, very young... I just turned 34... We still have a lot to learn. Anna has had this only for severaI months, I am at one yr and 3 months. Certain things can feel like someone is peeling the scab off those old wounds.

 

I'm glad you came clean about the herpes, but I suspect you didn't tell your hubby about the affair's. So glad he took H in stride and is giving you great support, but total honesty is not only deserves, but the only way to rebuild that foundation the two of you once had. TrustTrust and honesty is pertinent in the survival of any relationship.

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I hate it because I feel that it is sooooooooooo hard to get my energy and my purpose across through texting. When you read what I am saying, I can imagine that you are reading it in a totally different light than how I am saying it.

 

I know that this can be scary. I know. I was diagnosed the very end of June. So this is pretty new to me too. I am usually good about not getting wrapped up in my emotions. I don't want you to think I do not empathize with your pain because I do. Even though you were somewhat opening up to us, I sensed a detachment. Like you didn't really want to deal with the emotions associated with what was going on. It may be a coping mechanism for you but it can come across as careless or nonchalant. I know how people work and I apologize for not being more patient with you. It takes courage to come forward and share personal things like this.

 

I am glad you have finally expressed real emotion. It is so necessary. You can't hold it in. Crying heals. So you may not like to cry or face these complications head on but it is truly helping you. So kudos for *getting into this* because this is the real side of things. Sometimes we gotta dig deeeeeep.

 

Please continue to seek information and do not feel like you can't talk to me about things because you can. I was frustrated and I shouldn't react like that. I am young but I usually have great control. So I will work on that. (HUGS)

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@WCSDancer2010.....this is why you are a mod...from your tough love response to your recent time out response....it was always kind...compassionate, non judgentmental...and I can tell you are passionate about this disease both on a personal and professional level, thank you for your input...reading prior to your input I could tell it could of got "ugly" fast.

I told affair thru Facebook chat, not the greates of places, but one less person I had to face...I advised him to seek testing.,.he hasn't spoken to me since...not a peep..my hubby, I always knew he loved me unconditionally, I have developed an emotional disconnect...my last divorce did a number on me, not sure why I remarried...we shall see how this goes...

 

@2Legit2Quit thanks for opening up on your experiences thru the thread...it helps.

No, I did not disclose about the affairs...why? To set myself free, at his expense? Not for me, what he doesn't know will not hurt him...I've hurt him enough...enough is enough. I have my secrets and will leave it at that.

 

@Anna01 you are right...trying to communicate thru text or type can be extremely difficult...people can interpret things their own way and put a spin on words just based on their mood, that's why most of my long time net friends (I have one of 10 years I've never met in real life) I graduated to phone...but we try our best and above I think you did great...hugs!!!

I do shut off emotion as a coping mechanism, you are correct....I really don't know any other way..I do randomly start crying...and sometimes at the oddest of times...but it is what it is.

 

I remember when I first told my bestie...I was crying, the shame and humiliation I felt...after that I was driving down the road(days later).a car was crossing over in my lane...and I started to tear...I wanted him to hit me...noooo id never harm myself, but the thought "just please hit me and get this over with"....was there for that brief moment...so yes, I can be very cold...very cold...but sometimes it's the only way I can function.

 

Hugs!!

 

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Well I could understand not telling him and hurting him, if you are completely committed to never doing it again, but I'm not really sure what the right answer is for that. For me, my ex husband cheated on me more than once.. I want to know if someone cheated, but other's may not want to know, especially if it was from many yrs ago... @wcsdancer2010 , what is your stance on disclosure of an affair? Curious to know what the right thing is to do, as I can see a point of telling and a point in not telling? Seems like a complicated decision.

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These things are rarely simple. I think for now, disclosure of the HSV needed to be addressed first. @Bambina3 has must really started to realize how much this man is there for her, and her error of judgment regarding "looking for love" ... I would suggest getting counseling and working on repairing the marriage... there's a good chance that a point would arise where they would put everything on the table at that point, to start with a clean slate, and go forward and THAT might be a more appropriate time to discuss the affair. I think throwing both at the same time may not be in the best interest of saving the marriage ... but that's me... :)

 

 

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Oooooooo wanted to share

 

My adult son has hsv1...(he's always cracked jokes about it)once in a blue moon we see the mouth cold sore, jokingly in the car he went to put cream on it and said "hey mom, we can share herpes!!" I responded "we already have that in common".....he just looked at me and chuckled...I'm sure it flew over his head but inside me I smiled, first time I've actually smiled and used the h word in the same sentence.

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Oooooooo wanted to share

 

My adult son has hsv1...(he's always cracked jokes about it)once in a blue moon we see the mouth cold sore, jokingly in the car he went to put cream on it and said "hey mom, we can share herpes!!" I responded "we already have that in common".....he just looked at me and chuckled...I'm sure it flew over his head but inside me I smiled, first time I've actually smiled and used the h word in the same sentence.

 

Good for you..... seeing the humor in things helps us get through even the WORST of times ...

 

(((HUGS)))

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Well, this afternoon put a bummer on my plans...

I am set next week to go to a clinic for more education, management and an order for the blood work for h typing and antibodies (I've never had an h1 outbreak but who knows)

My in law wants to ride over with me, (I told her I had a doctors apt) now we have a social function in that area...

There is noooooo way I am telling another person if I don't have to, and I don't have to!!!!

Not sure how I'm going to talk my way out of being there, I tried very hard to drive seperate and it didn't work, I will not reschedule, this appointment has taken me weeks to get

Urrgghhhhhh

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Yes I will find an excuse to be there...thanks for input

 

So I've been searching the net to find a live herpes expert to talk to, I have so many questions...some will be answered on my apt next week, but I'd like to talk to someone...any suggestions? Cdc helpful but seems like they read from script with their answers, and there is a herpes hotline but they want to charge $20 for 20 minutes (not sure if it's legit)

 

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